Sleepwalking

Clubs… I’ve never been a part of one. Even if I wanted to join one I simply wouldn’t have been able to go if it was after school. I arrive at my seemingly normal home where I’ve lived pretty much since I can remember. One hour from when school ends I have to be here every day no matter what.

Seems like nobody is here, well usually my mom is here to make sure I’m on time but she hasn't been here the last few days. I look onto the dining table and as expected there isn't the usual food left out for me since Mom’s not here. Hopefully Dad brings food from the convenience store home or else I’ll have to go to bed hungry again today. I pointlessly try to look in the kitchen for anything to eat but there isn't much here. There are some ingredients left to make something in the fridge but all the utensils needed to make food are in the drawers and cupboards locked behind padlocks. I’m in my last year of high school and I have been a good girl so far this year but I guess they are still being careful with things.

I open the only unlocked door other than the washroom in this house and enter my room immediately stepping on loose papers and clothes on the floor. I don’t remember it being this messy in here —but I always say that. I throw my bag on the floor and take a seat on the edge of my bed. There are a bunch of clothes all over my room. Seems like I'd emptied out everything from my drawers and closet yesterday trying to find a little secret box I’d forgotten about since I was a kid. My parents must have taken it from me when they did their usual “dangerous items” check. I can never have anything nice in this home.

I fall back onto my unmade bed and stare at the ceiling in boredom. Maybe I should have gone to the club after all, there’s nobody home anyways so I could have gone and I wouldn't have been caught. Hmm, if nobody is home then I should take advantage of it somehow. I’m hungry so I guess I should go get some food since there's none in here. I don’t have too much money for it so I might have to do a little borrowing from somewhere like in the past.

I try to look for my go-to attire for these kinds of activities. I try not to look too suspicious but I need to not be recognizable in any way. I pick up a gray hoodie and black jeans off the floor that seems perfect for this occasion. As I take off my school uniform to change, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror of my room.

An unsightly thought crosses my mind… Can he love someone like me? Surely this isn't what he would want. Who would want a girl like me? Ahh, I don’t want to think about this. I rummage through my school bag and find the medicine that I’m supposed to take regularly. Sasaki told me if I take four pills at once I can get pretty fucked up. I dump about four or five I guess into my mouth straight from the bottle and swallow.

The first thing anyone would notice about my unclothed body is scars. Mostly cuts but some nail scratches and burns, all self inflicted of course. Anything above skirt length on my legs is damaged, if there was free skin, it simply would have been cut. There are a few on my stomach and my shoulders. I unwrap the bandage on my arm revealing a few fresh ones that suddenly appeared on my arm last week or so. I kinda just woke up with them and had to deal with the consequences. I hate wearing a bandage around and god forbid anyone asks why. My violent cat excuses are painful to say especially since I know my parents would never allow me to be around any small animals.

…

Ugh, I ended up outside and on the train somehow… I can’t really remember where I’m supposed to go but I’ll just go with the flow. I had a long stressful day, I can’t be bothered anymore…

…

Whatever, I don’t wanna think anymore so I’ll just let it happen.

…

Why did I come here? I don’t need anything from someone who thinks I'm worthless. They always want something from me. They always tell me to do things I don’t want to do.

…

It seems like I’m at the mall right now, wasn’t I supposed to get food? I hate seeing all these people. Don’t look at me like you’re better than me! Get me out of here.

…

Food… I need it. I should buy something so I don’t look too suspicious. I’m only an innocent high school girl after all so I never get caught… My pockets are full.

…

I'm sitting on the street looking at the illuminated window of my house. It’s a little chilly since it’s now the evening, but the smoke from this cigarette warns up my lungs. I guess even though I don’t remember it, I must have not wanted to go inside and face whatever awaits me inside there. I instinctively reach into my pockets for another cigarette but I hesitate there are only a few left in the pack. I wonder how long I’ve been sitting out here? I probably smoked at least 15 cigarettes, so however long that takes. I must’ve been out here for a while, I should go inside before someone sees me and that becomes another issue.

I get up feeling a little woozy but I dust myself off and grab my backpack. As I get closer to the door I faintly hear it but that's Mom yelling in there. I guess she’s back after suddenly leaving a few days back.

“Look what I found in her room today! That monster hasn't changed one bit!”

I hear Dad mumble something back in response but it's too quiet to make out what he’s saying.

“I'm sick of this, she needs to be locked up forever! We can’t help her anymore!”

I unlock the door as quietly as I can and slip inside.

“I’m home.” I whisper to myself.

I hear stomps coming from down the hall and out comes my mom grabbing me by my arm right after I take off my shoes. I stumble behind her as she drags me into the living room where I think my punishment will be decided. Dad is sitting on the couch with his head looking down to the floor. My mom snatches my bag out of my hands with both her hands. I try to hold onto it but I almost fall over from the force that she grabbed it with.

“WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?” She yells as she unzips my bag and turns it upside down, spilling everything onto the floor.

I can understand why some of the items that fall out are in there, but the others I don’t have any idea what the hell I was thinking when I took those. I recognize the konbini food because that was my goal after all but why are there clothes... and is that a manga?

“Out stealing again?!” She scoffs as she throws my bag at my feet.

“There was no food…”

“Don’t you dare say anything back to me!”

She is completely pissed off right now so I simply stare at the pile of stuff on the floor in front of me. The best thing to do here is not to argue or fight with anything she says or wants to do. The old me would have turned this house upside down and made this an even bigger problem but I think I'm past doing that kinda stuff now.

“We should bring her to the police right now, then we can end our suffering if they lock her away.” She says to Dad who is still sitting there not trying to look directly at anyone or anything.

“Honey, please! She was doing well this year, I’m sure this is just a bump in the road.” He finally replies, breaking his silence since I entered the room.

“Bump in the road? She has been fucking crazy her entire life! And doing well? She is failing her classes. If she doesn’t graduate what will she do for the rest of her life? I'm sure as hell not taking care of this disaster any longer than I have to.”

“Aika, I know you’ve been trying your best this year but your grades are a big deal. You promised us, remember?” He says to me without taking his eyes off the floor.

I vaguely remember but yea, I did promise them I would graduate and try to attend college. After all, my life has nowhere to go if I kept going down the path I was headed.

I gently nod my head in agreement.

“Aika… there was one big thing you promised us… the most important. I know you have been going through something recently but you know your mom can’t forgive this.”

He softly places a box cutter onto the coffee table in front of him.

Shit. I must have not taken it out of my skirt since I came home.

“If you can remember, please tell us. Did you try to hurt anyone or anything? Or was it just yourself?” He looks at me directly in my eyes.

“Just… myself.” I shamefully try to hide my eyes from his glare.

I really wasn't going to hurt anyone on the roof that day! They won't ever know about it but I feel bad lying to Dad as he’s been really patient as of recently. They both aren’t going to believe me so easily after what happened just now so I guess I have to show them something. I gently roll up my sleeve on my left arm revealing some evidence that it was only myself that I was harming.

“Heh, pathetic.” Mom tries to hold back a laugh.

“Aika… you know about your mom’s no dangerous items policy. For your safety and ours.”

“I will never feel safe knowing you still have that kinda stuff on you! And here I was thinking you changed just a little!” She says as she holds her forearm to her chest.

“I’m sorry.”

“You needed to be sorry years ago, I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up with you…”

I roll back down my sleeve, showing that to anyone makes me uncomfortable in more ways than I can think of. My emotions are starting to get to me and put my hand on my chest as I feel my heart skip a beat. Why have things come back to this?! What have I done this time? I really didn’t mean it! I don’t even fucking remember what caused Mom to leave a few days ago. This is all my fault, I did this. I am the problem. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. It’s all ME.

Mom lets out an audible sigh, she folds her arms and shakes her head at me.

“Just hurry up and die already… Nobody will stop you next time.” She says in the most neutral tone I’ve heard from her today.

“Honey, that's a little too far!”

“I'm done here.”

She heads for the front door without even looking at me on the way out. There is a brief moment of silence before the sound of the door slamming shut shakes the floor.

Dad gives me a reassuring nod before finally getting up and going after her.

“Aika… She didn’t mean it.” He puts his hand on my shoulder before walking past me to the entrance. “Don’t forget, I will always love you okay?”

I stand in the house alone again but this time holding back tears. As much as I don’t want to admit it to myself, that hurt me. I know it was all my fault. The old me wouldn’t have this feeling, so I know I’m changing, even if it’s a little. I promised them I would change after all.

Maybe she is right though, I should get this over with and die. I don’t think she was trying to be mean or trying to hurt me. Someone had to tell me that my life is not worth living. She is also completely justified, with the direction my life is still headed, suicide is looking like the best answer.