Episode Twelve

Ever since that incident with the youkai, things have been different. A few months had passed by and Chloe and I started our new collaborative comic once the final parts for her new PC came. It took a while for us to figure out how to put it all together but we managed to figure out ... after watching several tutorials and asking multiple people. We had started a simple story about a girl and a boy trying to find each other after a decade of sudden separation. It wasn’t popular at all and it hurt my feelings a lot. I honestly started to feel like I was losing the progress I already made.

I remember that I cried when we didn’t get the hits that weren’t us. I don’t know what I expected. But it felt that I wasn't going everywhere - that I was right where I had been all along and I never should've ventured back into drawing and creating. Oh, I remember I cried hard - enough to cry myself to sleep but after a lot of self-reflection, I started to realize that I had been expecting too much. I probably shouldn’t have thought that we would be an overnight success - very few people are once I really started to look at it.

It took additional talks with Chloe - when even she was disappointed with the results - to really help me understand and pretty much confirm what I had been thinking. I felt silly, I’ll admit, and even she admitted she felt really down about it.

“But,” I remember her saying, “I really want to create with you. Even though our story is probably rushed, I really do think that maybe we have at least one extra reader.”

Maybe, I remember I agreed, and since it's been a while since I had drawn properly, with thought and intention behind the pen, of course, it’s not going to be the best right away. I had probably expected maybe someone could see how I’ve suffered all this time - after all, my social media is littered with complaints and whining about how I want to draw but… maybe they didn’t take me seriously.

Maybe they didn’t actually expect me to do something about it.

But as the autumn months are coming to a close, I wanted to show my gratitude to Chloe so I also decided to look for a part-time job. She explained to me about Christmas - I had just thought it was a stupid time for couples and popular people getting together and eating fried chicken and cake - and how giving presents would be a symbol or something for showing thanks and gratitude. … I kinda liked that idea more than just eating fried chicken although that’s a new thing Chloe really seemed to enjoy.

It took some time to find one, and I was also planning for my dragon story although I’m relearning how to draw dragons again, I did. It actually happened to be at the grocery store that started that whole thing with the youkai. Or, rather, it was the last straw for the youkai to appear in my home. I felt a bit awkward when I handed in my resume - I had no past work and Chloe even had to help me with the skills I already had… which wasn’t much.

The interview was nerve-wracking. The boss was an intimidating old man who seemed buff and in the wrong line of work. Then again… he was older looking so maybe this was his retirement job. However, I thought for a while I didn’t get a job simply because he kept his arms crossed and seemed constantly irritated at everything I said. I had practiced with the mirror and even used the net to look it up. I didn’t want to tell Chloe so I made sure that the interview time was during her work hours.

I felt a bit bad for doing that and then I laugh at myself. Months ago, I would easily make fun of someone fat and who slipped. And yet, here I am placing myself in the public’s mercy. I feel very scared though. There were days where I wanted to just skip the interview and forget all about it. I wanted to go back to my easy life of being a NEET. But… something in me got angry. I kept the spiritual bells around even after that and whenever I doubted myself like that, I could hear it ring.

At first, I thought it was a coincidence but the more I doubted myself, the more I heard the bells ring. The more I could feel mad at myself for my insecurities bubbling up, the bells would ring. There’s a feeling deep inside me that grew mad not at my usual, probably past, thoughts - but madder at me. I grew mad at myself for thinking these things again. For not wanting to show gratitude to Chloe… and to try to improve my state of mind. I’ve started to realize that maybe staying in the apartment was bad for me. Though, I was admittedly afraid to sleep in my room for a few weeks which hurt my back and maybe my body… I couldn’t really tell but once I was able to be comfortable in my room again, I started to get more ansty. I didn’t want to stay in the apartment alone anymore.

Maybe I was scared that I might see that Zekon person, if I could call them a person even, with another deranged youkai following. Maybe I was scared about another incident. Maybe… Maybe I just hated summer.

Maybe I just enjoyed the autumn and wanted to find every excuse to bask in this cooling air and mixture of hot and cold. And it’s strange because one day, after a surprising rain, I stumbled onto a coffee shop. They had suggested some black coffee and at first, I was surprised at how bitter it was… but I was more surprised by how much I liked it.

Soon, I found myself going out to that cafe more often. I would often bring my sketchbook and just doodle at first. I was nervous, though. I was worried that people might watch me and might… say something. But people here tend to ignore me and just stayed in their own world. I was overly paranoid for a while and I felt really silly. No one bothered me since I didn’t bother them. Was I more upset that I was taking up their space or was I more upset that I dared to make my own?

Whatever that feeling was, I started to force myself to doodle and the more I did it, the more comfortable I got. Pretty soon, I could see myself improve very quickly and started to draw what I used to draw before from memory. Maybe more muscle memory, but the feeling of seeing something on paper - created by me - started to bring excitement to me that I never thought I would feel again.

Then, my money started to deplete. Mom and Dad were still giving me money for rent and such but I really wanted to make my own. I wanted to keep coming back to this coffee shop but it was getting to the point where the cafe staff started to recognize me. They knew my orders and they started to know what alternatives I would pick. They were always friendly as they could but I felt like a weird stalker - someone who’s not exactly stalking someone but the idea of being seen in such a way took its toll on me.

I almost stopped going until I went grocery shopping and saw the hiring sign. I haven’t seen the bigger girl but I saw the other guy, who I later learned his name - Kaoru Shinohara.

And when the intimidating boss gave me that job acceptance phone call, I couldn’t help but be ecstatic. I couldn’t believe I did something on my own… and it actually paid off! When I told Chloe, she seemed very surprised at first but her happiness for me seemed to quickly take over. I tried to give her my extra change but Chloe said it’s no problem at all. As long as I was drawing, and as long as I was still creating, on top of my extra chores... When I thought about how much extra I had to do, I already felt my old self scold me and whine about how much we had to do... but then the bells would ring again. That part of me was still in development, I imagine. So, it might take some extra time for these two parts of me to become a whole of me again... But...

I felt good.

I felt good for the first time in a long time. Since I realized that I was nonbinary, since I found out there's a word for what I am, I felt good. And it was weird to say that to myself too because I do acknowledge that I wasn’t a good person in the past.

When I started working at the grocery store, I realized that the girl I had laughed at was gone. I was told that I wasn’t replacing her because “Shinohara-kun likes her or something, I don’t know,” as the boss put it but I was extra help. This job was only supposed to be seasonal since they wanted someone to stand outside to start selling Christmas cakes but I don’t know - I want to believe that the boss would like me enough for me to stay on board. I wouldn’t mind the extra cash. The grocery store tends to run late but I made sure that I would work more towards daytime hours anyway.

I later learned her name was Honoka Matsuno. I remember I saw a news article about her disappearing back when I was looking for part-time jobs but Shinohara-san didn’t want to believe she just up and disappeared… But that didn’t involve me. I’m sorry she disappeared Shinohara-san, and I hope that she comes back; I find myself wishing she would come back quickly just to see him smile again. Whenever he talks about her, he always seems really happy about it. I can see the hope and love in his eyes and it’s a little overwhelming at times… but I could tell he cares for her very deeply.

However, I found myself hanging out with the pretty boy quite often. I found that he’s a musician himself and he was working on an album on his spare time. I found that pretty admirable! But I hadn’t told him yet about my creations… quite yet… but telling him and even telling others that I’m an artist felt really liberating.

“Hi, my name is Tanemura Shinobu! And I’m an artist!”

It had a nice ring to it, didn’t it?

The End