My Fountain of Understanding Runneth Over

‘Stunned’ could not fully encompass Taisa’s feelings right now. But regardless of how paralyzed from shock she was, courtesy was something she never forgot.

“Hey, Lorelai…” the jarring unease subdued and morphed into tenseness.

“You work here? I didn’t see your name in any-“

“No.”

“Miss Chapman.” Xander really didn’t have time for whatever was going on here, nor did he like Taisa’s inquietude.

“Oh, yes, sorry.” Lorelai’s spry and short steps echoed throughout the office. She carefully handed the documents to Xander and waited patiently for him to sign them.

Taisa stole a few glances at Lorelai’s back. ‘She looks almost the same… Maybe even better. And she works here. What were the chances?’

“Done. Anything else?” Xander’s curt succession of words did nothing to falter Lorelai’s enigmatic smile as she gathered the papers from his desk. It sometimes unnerved him how she smiled at him, but he assumed that is what HR people were expected to do.

“Yes, that’s all for now. I’ll come back though if anything else pops up.”

He nodded and dismissed her with a wave.

On her way out, she gave Taisa another perfunctory glance, “See you around…here, I guess.” And with that, she exited the office.

“You know each other?”

“Yea. Distant acquaintance.” Taisa buried her head back in her designs and Xander took it as a sign to not press matters any further.

Her heartbeat was pounding loudly in her ears, making it very hard for her to concentrate on the papers before her. Her hands were slightly trembling and the lines were not coming out as straight as before. The thought of having sketches subpar to her usual skills was mounting up the anxiety in her. She quickly started gathering her things. Noticing the commotion, Xander looked up to see what caused the sudden change in her movement.

“Leaving already?”

“Yea. Need to do some grocery shopping. Don’t have any food in the house, and I don’t think I should take my chances with takeout any time soon.” It slightly bothered him that she wasn’t looking at him when she talked.

“Hmm. Understandable.”

“Well, see you later.” Light waves were exchanged and the office was quiet once more.

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Later that evening during her ride home, curiosity was eating away at Xander. She really had gone grocery shopping, the bag in his trunk was proof. But still, something was amiss. He couldn’t figure out what caused the sudden shift, but he could place the time. It was right when that new HR girl came in.

“So, how did you get to know that Chapman girl?”

It was clear that she was not expecting his question, “Does it matter?”

“She unnerves you.”

“Well, isn’t it always awkward to meet people you knew way back?”

“Why so?”

“I mean, you know each other, but it’s been so long that you really don’t know each other. It’s like the twilight between strangers and friends; it’s neither but somehow a bit of both.”

He hummed slightly while taking another curb, “Never gave that much thought. You interact with the people you like; the rest receive the basic common courtesy starter-pack.”

“Oh, how cordial of you.” She side-eyed him suspiciously. “Still doesn’t explain your sudden interest in Lorelai.”

“I’m not interested in her. I’m curious why her presence bothered you so much.”

“She’s my archnemesis,” the tinge of sarcasm did not slip unobserved.

“Really now? Didn’t think people had those anymore.” It was a guilty pleasure of his to humor her.

“Neah, she used to hang out with the group back in the day. Though, I would actually like an archnemesis; it’s the type of relationship that shows dedication, y’know. They go and train in the mountains, meditate under a waterfall and everything they do to become better and stronger is with the sole purpose of destroying you. You are the only person your archnemeses thinks of the moment he wakes up till he goes to sleep. It’s actually romantic – in an obsessive and disturbing way.”

“One of those people that fizzled out, as you said?” He had gotten adept at sifting through Taisa’s rants and getting around them, when needed.

“Yes…She was Vic’s ex.”

A slim eyebrow lost itself in his chocolate bangs. “Really? How...? When…? Why?”

She snorted unceremoniously at his blatant nosiness. “I knew that deep down you were a big gossip.”

“It’s from the shock of processing that a normal, attractive human being accepted going out with…him.” Xander had to tread carefully and abstain from insulting Victor, as she did not tolerate any badmouthing towards the latter, in spite of their bad blood.

“Oh, so you think she’s hot?” While she kept her tone light and teasing, the bitter aftertaste of jealousy flooded her mouth. Sure, she was used to men finding Lorelai attractive and fawning over her, but in her head, it was set that he didn’t like people in general; and that brought her peace somehow.

“No, I don’t think she’s ‘hot’. But definitely too attractive for Victor.”

“Mhmmm.” She didn’t sound too convinced; time to change the subject. “Was she the ex of Victor that was the friend who introduced you to the group?”

“Damn you and your elephant memory.”

“So, you are at odds with each other?”

“No, jeez. People grow apart and divorce or break up all the time, and everyone is fine with it; why shouldn’t it be the same with friends?”

He could feel a rant drawing near, a deflective one. Truth by omission and deflection were tactics employed when she wanted to only skim over the truth.

“It’s getting warm outside.” Her building was coming close into view.

“Have we run out of conversation topics already that we have to resort to weather talk?”

“The hand-in dates for my projects are coming soon…” She bashfully fidgeted in her seat, ”And in two weeks there’s the graduate collection fashion show. It’s open to the public…”

The car pulled up in her driveway. “Already? How time flies.” He feigned disinterest to speed up things.

“Yeah, I was wondering if you could come?”

Turning off the engine, he pretended to be deep in thought, “I know nothing about fashion, but I’ll check my schedule. Can’t promise anything this far ahead.”

“Oh, ok.” She did not seem pleased. “I’ll be M.I.A up until the day of the show. I’ll also have to get to the atelier earlier so you don’t have to change your schedule to pick me up.” Definitely not pleased.

Getting out of the car, they went back to retrieve her groceries.

“I can always get up earlier.”

He popped open the trunk and swatted her hand away when she tried to reach for the bag. She frowned and eyed him contemptuously, “I can carry those myself.”

“Not saying that you couldn’t. You already have a bag with you, I thought I’d be polite.”

She started walking to her building entrance and he followed suit.

“It would be polite to attend your friend’s graduation show.”

“I told you I can’t say for sure.” He looked at her again. “Maybe.”

Taisa inhaled loudly and continued to avoid eye contact. So, she was mad at him. ‘Interesting.’

“I find it curious that you have time to hang around me most of the time, yet for 1 hour for my graduation, you suddenly can’t.” They slowly went up the stairs.

“When is it?”

Her expression lightly perked up. “Friday.”

“Definitely maybe.”

“I am not too fond of that ‘maybe’,” she said while fishing for her keys.

He abstained from letting a chuckle escape. It amused him to get her all riled up like that. 

“A very possible ‘don’t worry about it’?”

A bright smile was suppressed. “Sounds good.”

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The stress was mounting up with every stitch, every fold, every button that was coming alive on her dress form. Side-glancing the other students’ projects was hurtful; they seem so close to finishing. Taisa was the first to come and the first to leave the atelier, so her encounters with Xander had been very brief during this time, consisting of drives between her university and home.

She was thankful that she had a legitimate excuse to not drop by his office, considering that a chance encounter with Lorelai was highly probable. Even though Lorelai was all smiles and cordial when she saw Taisa, the latter could still pick up some latent animosity.

One late Wednesday, the pressure had reached unbearable limits. Her ears were ringing loudly from lack of sleep and stress. So loudly, in fact, that she didn’t hear her phone’s faint messaging alerts.

Xander had grown impatient waiting for her outside, so he asked the night guard where he could find and pick up the sole occupant of the faculty’s premises. The guard, already knowing him and his affiliation to Taisa from previous instances, motioned for him to go in and be quick about it.

He found room 308 and Taisa sprawled with her head on the workbench top, only her black hair being visible as it hazardously draped over her arms and shoulders. She looked so pitiful and overwhelmed that he was struck by remorse and an urge to make her life easier.

He tentatively approached her and reached out to touch the top of her head. She looked up and greeted him with bleary eyes, “What time is it?”

“Half past ten.” He tucked a strand behind her ear.

She groaned, “So late and so much to do…”

“You still have a few days.”

“No, I don’t…I mean I do, but I need more.”

“I think everyone feels that way.” Another lock of hair was pulled back.

“No, they don’t. Some of these guys seem like they were born to do this. You know when you can just tell someone is extremely talented? Like everything they do requires zero effort, no thought, it just materializes from their hands because they don’t even need to think about it. How can I compete with that?”

“Sheer talent alone is not enough. Some people rely too much on it and think they can get away with not putting in the work.”

“Yes, more hard work for me… I feel like crying out of frustration, everything just seems so pointless. I’ve been teetering on the edge of normality for so long and now it’s just me staring into the abyss, waiting for my body to give in and plunge on its own.”

“You’re entitled to feel how you feel.”

Surprised at his words, she threw him a questioning glance, “For all the businessman you are, you don’t dish out tough love like I thought you would.”

“What good would it do? Your feelings are valid because they are yours. Forcibly convincing you to feel otherwise would only make it worse.”

She laughed tiredly. “What a fountain of understanding I’ve stumbled upon.”

“Yes, and I only require double espressos.”

“You’re more low maintenance than a vending machine.” By now, all her tresses were neatly arranged to fall in between her shoulder blades. She’d taken notice of his little habit of playing with her hair; not that it was bothering her, it was actually relaxing - for both parties involved.

“You’re actually more resilient than you give yourself credit.”

She wearily tested his affirmation, “How? I’m falling apart at the seams right now; no pun intended.”

He seated himself next to her with a gloomy gaze fixed on the scratched workbench before him. “I saw her…my mother. Before she died.”

“I thought you hadn't seen her since you left home?”

“It was a random thing. She didn’t know that I saw her. I was back home for some paperwork, and I just happened to drive past her. It was a year before she got her diagnosis.”

Taisa listened intently, not daring to move an inch. “It was only for a few seconds, but it was enough to know for sure that it was her. She was thinner, paler, older, - but without a doubt, her. The same scowl, the same look that scorned the world - if it weren’t for those, I would have actually felt sorry for her decrepit state. In my head, she looked exactly the same as on the day I left, and it clashed with the newer image created in that fleeting moment.”

The anguish that he could not put into words reverberated loud enough to reach the chords of her heart and make them humm in gentle understanding.

“Feeling sorry for people getting sick is normal. Even for those you don’t particularly like. Weakness and pain humanizes everyone.”

“I can’t say if I was feeling sorry or guilty, but it just felt…unsettling. And it made it even easier to keep my resolve about not seeing her.” He turned to look at her, a glint of appreciation in his eyes. “That’s why you’re stronger. You were able to be near someone you knew up until his dying moments. To me, that’s like staring death in the face.”

“People respond in their own unique way when confronted with their own mortality. You had your way, I had mine; neither is better than the other. ”

“I believe there is always an optimal solution for every case.”

“Well, I hate to contradict you-”

“Oh, really? Since when?”

“Shush! As I was saying, the best approach is the one that gets you through to the other side; the side where you can enjoy life without death constantly casting its shadow over it. And you seem to be doing fine.”

Pondering the meaning of her words with a soft smile, he pulled back with one finger a wandering strand of her hair. “I guess I am.”

She matched his smile.“Then, that’ll do Pig, that’ll do,”

Scoffing and shaking his head, Xander stood up and gained back his no-nonsense demeanor. “Are we done with dissecting existential crises?”

“That sounded very condescending.”

He rubbed the bridge of his nose in between his fingers, “Can’t help it. I’m tired.”

“Fine, fine. You get a pass this time. We can go now.”

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It was Friday; the day of the graduate fashion show had finally arrived. Taisa managed to pass all her project exams and her design line was approved to be featured in the show. Not that she wasn’t ecstatic about her accomplishments, but the stress of the past weeks had taken a toll on her body and mental state. There would be enough time for celebrating after the show. Now she had to focus on getting the half crinoline of her skirt to maintain its wavy effect while the model walked down the stage.

As she watched the models strut down the runway, featuring her project line to the crowd, she couldn’t believe that she actually made them. It was akin to an out-of-body experience; surreal, exhilarating yet still different from anything else.

From the back of the crowd stood Xander, trying to make sense of the stream of walking models. He didn’t have the knowledge to appraise the design and techniques put into the presented clothes, but he could appreciate that they looked aesthetic.

Feeling a presence near him, he turned to his left to see Max. Not that he was surprised; he half expected him to be at the show since Max was the ‘Switzerland’ of Taisa’s small group. Directly approaching him -- that was unexpected.

“Hello, Xander.”

A nod was given in return, “Max.”

“Never thought you were that much into fashion.”

“I’m looking to expand my wardrobe,” said Xander without taking his eyes from the runway.

“Oh, really?” Max asked with simulated interest.

“Can you get to the point already? I doubt you’re here to question my fashion sense.”

Max let out a sigh like he was evacuating all the air in his lungs. “I think you have an idea of why I’m here.”

“Did Victor send you to shoo me away?”

A troubled expression marred Max’s face, “No. He royally screwed up this time - from what I hear - and I’m not going to clean up his mess. Nor am I here to tell you off from seeing her.”

“Oh, not playing the peacemaker anymore, are we?”

“I know what he did was wrong, but I also know why he reacted the way he did.” Max paused to give Xander a serious look, “And I think you do too. Only she is still oblivious.”

Both men said nothing for what seemed like the longest of times.

“I know that you tried to pay off Taisa’s debt.” Xander’s head immediately snapped in Max’s direction.

“That anonymous transfer note didn’t cover your tracks. Plus, he knows Tai wouldn’t use untraceable money transfer apps. He figured out that it was you who sent it.”

“What do you mean ‘tried’?”

“The transfer was bounced back.”

Xander closed his eyes and scornfully muttered,“....Prick.”

 “Actually, I think he unwittingly did you a favor.”

“How so?” 

Restoring eye contact, Max revealed his musings, “What do you think the outcome of Vic ratting you out to Tai will be?”