The Confession

Pic: Today’s the day. Don’t chicken out. She’s not gonna reject you. I promise.

Word: But what if she doesn’t like me like I like her?

Pic: You’ll never know unless you try.

Eliza was happy for Word. She was proud of her. She was rooting for her. All of this was true, and she knew it to be true. If that was the case, then why did it all feel like a lie? It wasn’t a lie. Eliza wasn’t lying to herself. Eliza was happy for Word. Eliza was proud of Word. Eliza was rooting for Word. It was all true, and yet it felt like a lie. Because it was.

But at the same time it wasn’t. Eliza was happy for Word and Eliza was proud of Word. She was rooting for her. Just not with Mystery Girl. Eliza wanted Word to be with her instead. But it was too late. Eliza had lost any chance to be with Word that she might have possibly had. Not that she had much of a chance to begin with. But now she had even less of one. And that was fine with Eliza. Word didn’t like her like that. She had her heart set on Mystery Girl. Eliza would be selfish to even consider pursuing Word in a way that was even remotely romantic. Eliza didn’t want to be selfish. She wanted Word, yes, but only if Word wanted her. And Word didn’t want her. It hurt, but it was true. So Eliza was happy for Word. Eliza was proud of Word. Eliza was rooting for Word. Maybe not to be with Mystery Girl, but to be happy. And if Mystery Girl made Word happy, then Eliza would be happy for Word. Eliza was happy for Word.

Eliza was pulled out of her thoughts by a knock on the door. She sat up and frowned at the door. The only people who ever came to the room were her and Dawn. Eliza hadn’t knocked, and Dawn wouldn’t need to either. Not only did she have a key to the door but the door wasn’t even locked. She wouldn’t have to knock.

Eliza considered ignoring the visitor. She wasn’t really in the mood to deal with anyone. But ignoring them would be rude. Frowning in confusion, Eliza stood up and walked over to the door. She opened it to find Dawn standing there with her hand raised to knock again.

“Hey,” Eliza said.

“Hi,” Dawn said. She looked at her arm and blushed. She tried to casually lower her arm and cleared her throat. “Um…did you have any plans for tonight?”

Eliza shook her head. “Not really, no.”

“Good,” Dawn said, breathing a sigh of relief. “I mean not good! I mean not not good! I mean…” Dawn sighed again. “I was gonna go for a walk. Would you… like to join me?”

Eliza hesitated. Her first instinct had been to say no. She did not want to go for a walk. She didn’t want to do anything. Except maybe lie around and be miserable because, at that exact moment, the love of her life was on a date with someone else. But she knew she couldn’t do that. It was unhealthy. Word was living her life, and Eliza was happy for her. Eliza was proud of her. Eliza was… Eliza was in desperate need of a distraction. And one had literally just knocked on her door. Eliza decided not to question why Dawn was knocking and just go with it.

“Sure,” Eliza said. She reached over to grab her jacket off the hook and stepped out of the room.

Eliza started pulling her jacket on. She briefly had trouble getting her arm into the sleeve. She’d barely even begun to fight it when Dawn zipped behind her and grabbed the jacket. Eliza’s arm slipped into the sleeve with ease.

“Thanks,” Eliza said, adjusting her jacket.

Dawn shrugged. “Anytime,” she said bashfully. “Shall we?”

Eliza nodded and fell into step beside Dawn. Dawn looked over at her and then quickly looked ahead instead. Eliza frowned. It could have been the lighting, but it looked like Dawn’s face was a bit red. Was she sick or something? Eliza hadn’t noticed anything like that. Eliza unconsciously rested her hand on the pocket that held her phone. To be fair, she had been a bit distracted of late. It was fully plausible that Dawn had gotten sick and Eliza just hadn’t noticed. She hoped that wasn’t the case. She didn’t want to be that bad of a friend. But what if she was? What if that was the case? Well, there was only one way to find out.

“How are you?” Eliza asked. Perhaps her wording hadn’t been the best. She could have been a bit less vague, she knew that. But, at the same time, Eliza was inwardly panicking for several reasons, so she considered the fact that she managed to say anything at all to be a good thing. Even if it was either awkward or cliché. Eliza couldn’t tell which.

At least Dawn didn’t seem to think Eliza was being cliché or awkward. Or, if she did, she didn’t show it. Instead her face lit up in what Eliza could only call glee. That reaction seemed a bit much for such a simple awkwardly cliché question, but Eliza couldn’t complain. She was glad.

“I’m good,” Eliza said, her words coming out a bit faster and higher than normal. “I’m very good. H-how are you?”

Eliza hummed. She wasn’t sure how she was. She was happy and proud and nervous and anguished and jealous and she was mad at herself for all the negative emotions and mad at Word for not liking her and mad at herself for being mad at Word. Eliza felt all of that. She was all of that.

Eliza shrugged. “I’m fine,” she said, not looking up at Dawn.

Dawn hummed her own reply. As she and Eliza approached the door, Dawn darted forward to hold it open for Eliza. She waved her arm with a little flourish to indicate that Eliza should go first. Eliza couldn’t help but smile at the action. Dawn darted through the door after Eliza.

“I asked you out before, remember?” she asked, not looking at Eliza. “On a walk! I asked you to go on a walk with me before. Remember?”

“I remember. As I recall, I turned you down.”

Dawn sighed. “Yeah. You did.”

“I regret that,” Eliza admitted.

“So do I,” Dawn agreed. “Though, I suppose my regret is different than yours.”

Dawn likely only regretted that she didn’t get to befriend Eliza sooner. Eliza regretted what came after. She regretted how, in her cowardice, she’d been pushed into Spiraling. She regretted how Dawn had seen her like that. Eliza hated whenever people saw her Spiraling, not that it happened too often. She didn’t like people seeing how broken she was. She regretted that it had been Dawn. The only saving grace was that Dawn hadn’t ever asked what was going on. Though, part of Eliza knew it was only a matter of time.

“Probably. I am sorry about that. Saying no, I mean.”

Dawn waved it off. “Don’t worry about it. At least we get to go out now, right?”

“Right,” Eliza said with a small smile. She looked around. “Do we have a set path?” She was almost positive that they did. So far, the path they’d taken had been bordered by fairy lights. Fairy lights that had definitely not been there the day before. And yet they were there now. Did Dawn put them there? Why would she do that? To not lose the path?

“We do,” Dawn admitted, her face once again taking on a red tint. “I found a little spot a while back. I’ve been there a few times since, and not once have I seen anyone else. I… I thought you might like it.”

Eliza smiled at the thought. Dawn had a private spot that she wanted to share with her? She liked that. Liked the trust in her that it showed.

“Then lead on,” Eliza said, repeating Dawn’s little arm waving flourish.

Dawn nodded. She took a deep breath and looked at Eliza’s outstretched hand. Quick as a flash, Dawn’s own hand darted out to grab it. “This way,” she said, gently leading Eliza down the path. She didn’t look at Eliza. She didn’t acknowledge that they were holding hands. Eliza glanced at Dawn then gently squeezed her hand. Eliza was probably imagining it, but she thought she heard Dawn let out a breath of relief.

Dawn and Eliza walked along in silence. Their hands, only loosely locked together, swung freely between them. Eliza didn’t feel the need to break the silence. She busied herself with looking at the lights bordering their path. Every now and then she thought she saw the lights forming a shape. A heart here, a star there. Nothing too obvious, and likely not at all deliberate, but there nonetheless. It brought Eliza back to the days when she’d sneak out on her roof and stargaze. But this was better. Because… Eliza turned to look at Dawn. Dawn, face red, swiveled her head and tried to pretend that she hadn’t been staring. Because this time she’s not alone. She liked not being alone. Having someone by her side.

The lights veered down a side path that led up to the gymnasium. Dawn walked up to the door, still holding Eliza’s hand. She looked around to make sure no one was looking and turned the handle. The door slid open easily. Dawn reached into the little hole that the lock would normally slot into and pulled out a crumpled up piece of paper. She smirked at Eliza and slipped the paper into her pocket.

Eliza frowned at the action. The lights had made one fact pretty fairly obvious. Dawn had planned all this. The sabotaged lock just made that even more clear. Eliza understood that. What she didn’t understand was why. Why would Dawn plan this? Had she planned it specifically for Eliza? To what end? Eliza wanted to ask. But she didn’t. A part of her was worried that doing so would bring a premature end to the night. Eliza didn’t want that. She wanted it to last as long as possible. So, instead of risking things ending, Eliza followed Dawn.

Dawn led Eliza through the gymnasium and up to the second floor. At the far edge of the room there was another door. This one had a keep out sign pinned to the front of it. Dawn ignored the sign and pulled the door open. She and Eliza stepped through into a dark room. Dawn moved to the side and, judging by the sounds Eliza could make out, started gently exploring the wall for some kind of switch to turn on the light. What she ended up doing was far better.

A dim light lit up the room. For one brief moment, Eliza noticed how, as opposed to a light switch, Dawn had instead found and turned on a control panel. Then her attention was, understandably, taken. Taken by all the lights above and around her.

The room Dawn had taken them to was a dome. Every surface was black. Little light dotted every surface that wasn’t the floor. It was a planetarium. Dawn had taken her to a planetarium.

“Oh,” Eliza said, looking around in awe. She spun around, trying to see everything. “I… we… oh.”

“That was pretty much my reaction too,” Dawn said, moving to stand next to Eliza. On instinct, Eliza reached over and took her hand. “I’d heard stories about this place, but actually seeing it… it’s something else.”

“Oh?” Eliza repeated. Dawn pulled her to the center of the room where a blanket had been laid out. Dawn sat down first. “Where’d you hear about it?” Eliza asked as she sat down.

“My father,” Dawn answered, reaching over to wrap an arm around Eliza’s shoulders. Eliza absently grabbed Dawn’s waist and held her close. “My parents both attended this school. He used to tell me stories of when they’d sneak off to the planetarium. I used to think he was exaggerating, but when I found it… it was nice.”

“And now you’re sharing it with me.”

“I am,” Dawn said warmly.

Dawn and Eliza sat in silence for a few moments. Then they slowly moved back until they were laying in silence instead. Eliza stared up at the stars, trying to catalogue every detail. Every now and then she would notice how Dawn was watching her, but she didn’t mind.

“Do you think the stars are accurate?” Eliza asked. “I can see a couple of the more famous constellations, but what about the lesser known ones? The ones that people don’t talk about as often? Are they there too?”

Dawn hummed and rolled over onto her back, though she still remained close enough to hold Eliza. “I don’t know. I’ve never been very good at astronomy. I never understood how just a cluster of five stars could be a hunter.”

Eliza would have shrugged had her current position, both on the floor and cuddled with Dawn, not made the movement awkward. “Most artwork starts out as basic shapes,” she pointed out.

Dawn nodded. “I guess you would know.”

“Just a bit,” Eliza agreed.

“Still,” Dawn said. “I just can’t see how those little shapes can make complex constellations.”

“Then make your own,” Eliza suggested. “It’s what I used to do. Look at stars and make my own shapes and constellations. It’s more fun that way.”

“Like that anatomically correct heart up there?” Dawn asked, pointing at a small cluster of stars off to the side.

Eliza laughed before she could stop herself. “I suppose so,” she admitted. “Though, I was thinking something more along the line of those five stars that make up a larger star.”

“How about that halberd over there?”

“There?” Eliza asked, pointing at where she thought Dawn was looking.

Dawn chuckled. “There,” she said, grabbing Eliza’s hand and moving it to the side.

It was hard for Eliza to track the passage of time. For all she knew, she and Dawn could have been laying side by side and having fun with the stars for minutes or even hours. However long or short it was, Eliza enjoyed every second of it.

Dawn cleared her throat. Eliza rolled over to see Dawn sitting up. “I uh… I had something I wanted to tell you,” Dawn said, not looking at Eliza. Frowning, Eliza sat up beside Dawn. “Well,” Dawn added, wrapping her arms around her legs and still not looking at Eliza, “tell you and then ask you.”

“What is it?” Eliza asked.

“It’s…

“You see…

“The thing is…

“I just wanted to tell you…

“Lately I’ve been feeling…

“I’ve recently come to a new conclusion…

“From the moment I met you…

“As it turns out…”

Dawn sighed despondently and leaned forward until her chin was on her knees. “I had it all planned out,” she admitted. “I knew exactly what I was going to say and how I was going to say it, and now that the time has come… I can barely string two words together.”

Eliza frowned. She’d never seen Dawn act like this before. She’d always been so confident and proud and never reserved or hesitant. It was unnerving. It was wrong. Eliza didn’t know what was on Dawn’s mind, but she did know that Dawn wouldn’t be able to function again unless she said what she wanted to say. But she wasn’t able to. But she needed to. But Dawn couldn’t bring herself to say it. So Eliza would bring her to say it.

“Then don’t,” Eliza said simply. Dawn didn’t look up at her. “Don’t give any speeches or recite a script. Don’t embellish it or make it any more complex than it needs to be. Just say what you want to say and not a word more.”

“I like you.” Dawn swiveled her head to look at Eliza, though it was still resting on her knees. Eliza, for her part, had stiffened at the words. “I like you in a romantic and very much non-platonic way.”

Eliza didn’t know what to think. Dawn… liked her? As in… romantically? Eliza had barely been able to comprehend Dawn liking her as a friend. She’d been constantly on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. She’d been waiting for Dawn to realize that she didn’t want to be Eliza’s friend anymore. And, in a way, that is exactly what happened. Maybe. Eliza wasn’t entirely sure. She didn’t know what Dawn wanted going forward. Was this her way of asking Eliza out? Or was it just a heads up so things didn’t get too awkward in the future? Eliza couldn’t even begin to guess. Though, to be fair, her mind was still stuck on the whole ‘Dawn likes me’ thing.

“And,” Dawn continued, “I wanted to ask you if you’d go out with me. On a date. A real date. With me.”

Scratch that, Eliza did know what Dawn wanted. She wanted to date her. For the two of them to be in a relationship. In a romantic and very much non-platonic relationship. And Eliza didn’t hate the idea.

Eliza could see it all in her head. Her and Dawn dating. She didn’t hate the way it looked. She didn’t hate the way that Dawn would almost definitely go overboard when planning things for the two of them. She didn’t hate how Dawn would look at her. How Dawn had been looking at her, she now realized. She liked how Dawn would take every opportunity to pamper her, as Eliza would do for Dawn. She liked how she would be the person Dawn trusted most. She loved that they would be there for each other’s highest of highs and lowest of lows. She loved how they’d understand each other to the point where they wouldn’t need to even speak at times to know what the other was thinking. She loved that they’d be able to just exist in each other’s presence and be happy. She loved the prospect. Eliza would love to date Word. And-

Oh.

Oh.

“I’m sorry,” Eliza said.

Dawn immediately understood what Eliza was saying and was sorry for. “Oh,” she said, slumping in disappointment. No, not disappointment. Heartbreak. Eliza hated what Dawn was feeling. And she hated that it was because of her.

“It’s not that I don’t want to say yes,” Eliza rushed to explain. “Cause I do. I want to say yes. But…” Eliza sighed. “There’s someone else. She and I aren’t together or anything, but I want to be. I really do. And it would be unfair to you for me to be in a relationship with you. Not when my heart can’t be in it. It’d be selfish. I’m sorry.”

Dawn sighed and curled in on herself. “It’d be selfish of you to be with me,” she muttered. “I selfishly want you to be with me. Why can’t we both be selfish?”

“It wouldn’t be fair to you,” Eliza repeated. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah,” Dawn muttered. “Me too.”

Eliza glanced over at Dawn. It was hard to tell with the lighting, but Eliza thought she saw tears in Dawn’s eyes. Eliza wanted to reach over and wipe them away, but she had a feeling that such an action wouldn’t be welcome. Instead, all she could do was say “I’m sorry.” Again. She couldn’t say it enough. She could never say it enough to make up for breaking Dawn’s heart.

“Have I ruined things?” Dawn asked.

“Of course not,” Eliza said immediately. She hesitated for a moment then reached out and rested a hand on Dawn’s shoulder. “You haven’t ruined anything.”

“Then why do you hesitate to comfort me?” Dawn asked bitterly.

Eliza sighed in defeat. “I won’t lie and say that things haven’t changed. They have. But that doesn’t mean I want to stop being your friend. I’ll never want that.”

Dawn actually smiled at that. It was a small smile, undercut by the tears still running down her face, but a smile nonetheless. Dawn looked at Eliza and the smile faded from her face. “Could you go?” she asked. “I… I want to be alone, for now.”

“Right,” Eliza said, standing up. “Of course. I… I’m sorry,” she said one last time before starting to walk away.

“Does she know?” Dawn asked when Eliza had opened the door. Eliza turned to face her. “The girl you like. The one you want to be with. Does she know?”

“No,” Eliza admitted.

Dawn nodded. “You should tell her.”

Eliza closed her eyes and shook her head. “It’s too late for that.”

“You’ll never know unless you try.”

~θ~

Eliza wasn’t entirely sure if she wanted to tell Word how she felt. Well, that was only half true. She wanted Word to know. But she didn’t want to tell her. Even though she knew that she should. Her mind kept Spiraling back to some of the things that she had told Word over the last few days.

If you like someone in a way that’s even remotely romantic, you should tell that person.

She deserves to know how you feel.

Keeping your feelings to yourself is only gonna hurt you in the long run.

Eliza groaned and rolled over in her bed. Whenever she’d said things like that she’d conveniently ignored how applicable they were to her. She couldn’t do that anymore.

If you like someone in a way that’s even remotely romantic, you should tell that person.

She deserves to know how you feel.

Keeping your feelings to yourself is only gonna hurt you in the long run.

Eliza’s eyes landed on Dawn’s empty bed. It had been nearly an hour since Eliza left the planetarium, and Dawn still hadn’t come back. Eliza was worried. But Dawn wanted, needed, to be left alone, so Eliza would respect that. She also wanted Eliza to tell Word how she felt. She should respect that as well.

If you like someone in a way that’s even remotely romantic, you should tell that person.

She deserves to know how you feel.

Keeping your feelings to yourself is only gonna hurt you in the long run.

Eliza could still see how Dawn had looked when she left. Curled up. Crying. Miserable. Heartbroken. Eliza hated herself for doing that to Dawn. And she hated herself even more for what popped into her mind whenever she thought about how Dawn had looked.

I don’t want that to be me.

Eliza sighed. When had things gotten so complicated? She was an artist who drew a scene from a story she liked. That was supposed to be it. She wasn’t supposed to fall in love. She wasn’t supposed to later meet someone who developed romantic feelings for her. And she definitely wasn’t supposed to break her heart.

If you like someone in a way that’s even remotely romantic, you should tell that person.

She deserves to know how you feel.

Keeping your feelings to yourself is only gonna hurt you in the long run.

I don’t want that to be me.

Eliza groaned and curled in on herself. Why couldn’t she just say yes when Dawn asked her out? That would have made things so much easier. So much simpler.

If you like someone in a way that’s even remotely romantic, you should tell that person.

She deserves to know how you feel.

Keeping your feelings to yourself is only gonna hurt you in the long run.

I don’t want that to be me.

Because she didn’t love Dawn. She couldn’t love Dawn. Not with Word around. It was funny, in the heartbreaking way. If it hadn’t been for Word, Eliza could see herself falling for Dawn.

If you like someone in a way that’s even remotely romantic, you should tell that person.

She deserves to know how you feel.

Keeping your feelings to yourself is only gonna hurt you in the long run.

I don’t want that to be me.

But she hadn’t fallen for Dawn.

If you like someone in a way that’s even remotely romantic, you should tell that person.

She deserves to know how you feel.

Keeping your feelings to yourself is only gonna hurt you in the long run.

I don’t want that to be me.

She had instead broken her heart.

If you like someone in a way that’s even remotely romantic, you should tell that person.

She deserves to know how you feel.

Keeping your feelings to yourself is only gonna hurt you in the long run.

I don’t want that to be me.

She had cursed Dawn to a terrible fate.

If you like someone in a way that’s even remotely romantic, you should tell that person.

She deserves to know how you feel.

Keeping your feelings to yourself is only gonna hurt you in the long run.

I don’t want that to be me.

Dawn had to live knowing that Eliza, the girl she liked, was in love with someone else.

If you like someone in a way that’s even remotely romantic, you should tell that person.

She deserves to know how you feel.

Keeping your feelings to yourself is only gonna hurt you in the long run.

I don’t want that to be me.

And Eliza would share that fate.

If you like someone in a way that’s even remotely romantic, you should tell that person.

She deserves to know how you feel.

Keeping your feelings to yourself is only gonna hurt you in the long run.

I don’t want that to be me.

Even if she didn’t want to share that fate.

If you like someone in a way that’s even remotely romantic, you should tell that person.

She deserves to know how you feel.

Keeping your feelings to yourself is only gonna hurt you in the long run.

I don’t want that to be me.

It was too late for Eliza. If she didn’t tell Word how she felt then she’d feel that way soon enough. Even if Mystery Girl turned Word down, a possibility that Eliza still couldn’t fathom, then it would still happen when Word eventually moved on and found someone else. And if Eliza did tell Word then that would be her when Word turned her down. Unless…

If you like someone in a way that’s even remotely romantic, you should tell that person.

She deserves to know how you feel.

Keeping your feelings to yourself is only gonna hurt you in the long run.

I don’t want that to be me.

Unless on the off chance, on the very slim and unlikely and far-fetched and implausible and frankly laughable possibility that Word reciprocated Eliza’s feelings…

You’ll never know unless you try.

Pic: You once said that nothing would ever ruin our friendship. I really hope that’s true. My name is Eliza Laurent and I think… I KNOW that I’m in love with you.

Eliza closed her eyes and pressed send.

897

Lenny’s existence had never been a particularly exciting one. By all standards, it would likely be described as dull. Perhaps even as degrading. Nobody ever actually cared how Lenny was doing, nor would anyone ever. People were always sitting on Lenny. Walking all over Lenny. Sleeping on Lenny. All of this may sound cruel, but it was par for the course for Lenny and others like Lenny. After all, Lenny was a bench.

Lenny wasn’t happy being a bench. Lenny wasn’t unhappy being a bench. As a bench, Lenny couldn’t be happy or unhappy about anything, let alone Lenny’s own existence. For that was all Lenny could do. Exist. Lenny could exist in one place and be there for the people in that place. Take one random night in the beginning of December, for example.

The first girl had sat down and proceeded to do nothing. Lenny stayed where Lenny was and let the girl sit. She had seemed upset, and she needed a place to sit, and who was Lenny to refuse? After an indeterminate amount of time (Lenny had no understanding of the concept of time, after all) the girl shifted from sitting morosely to crying into her hands. Again, Lenny didn’t react. The girl needed a comforting presence, and who was Lenny to refuse? Even if she didn’t see Lenny’s presence as comforting or even a presence, Lenny would do Lenny’s best to be there for her.

After another indeterminate amount of time, though this one seemed longer than the one before to Lenny, the girl’s phone buzzed. She shifted and slipped it out of her pocket. Lenny felt her stiffen up in shock as she read whatever was on the screen of her phone. Yet another indeterminate amount of time passed. This one was easily the shortest of the three. Then the girl did something that Lenny could have never expected. Even if Lenny possessed the ability to expect anything, Lenny could not have expected the girl’s reaction to whatever was on the screen of her phone. The girl started laughing.

Lenny didn’t have much experience with laughter in general, let alone the type of laughter emanating from this girl. Had Lenny known the word, Lenny might have described this laughter as hysterical. For that’s exactly what it was. Hysterical laughter brought on by a frankly absurd situation. The girl’s laughter carried on and on and on until it finally stopped carrying on and on and on. Still chuckling to herself, the girl started typing on her her phone.

One last indeterminate amount of time passed, this one easily the shortest of them all. The sound of rapid footsteps echoed around Lenny and a second girl approached. She hesitated and sat down on Lenny, leaving a sizable gap between her and the other girl. There was silence for a very very long time. Slowly and quietly, the two girls began talking.

Lenny didn’t know what the girls said, and Lenny was fine with that. What the two of them said was for the two of them and the two of them alone. It wouldn’t be right for anyone to observe this tender and private moment. Still, even though Lenny wouldn’t listen to their conversation, Lenny would remain. A silent and uncared for presence. But a presence nonetheless.

The two girls slowly started moving closer together.

As they did so, making sure to keep their movements incredibly slow in case either one of them changed their mind, Lenny remained. Lenny supported them. Just as Lenny had supported countless people in the past and just as Lenny would support countless people in the future.

All in all, Lenny was pretty happy with Lenny’s life.