Chapter 3:

The Ice Queen and the Zahnpaster

Fantaschiel!! The Legendary Rom-Com without Romance or Comedy in it

By the time the duo enters the plaza, Zahnpaster the Giant has already laid waste to many surrounding buildings. With a single fiery swing, Dezechiel dashes right into the man turned monster, slashing at his Achilles tendon which is just about the only part he can reach. His blade simply reflects off of the hard surface, not being able to cut through. He begins trying his luck at various other body parts with little to no results.

Fantastasia looks into the rubble of what used to be an orphanage just a few moments ago.

Tears begin welling up in her eyes while she frantically tries to wipe her face.

The brown-haired swordsman stops his series of attacks to check up on her. “What’s wrong, Fan-Fan?”

“I-It’s just that…” Her voice is shaky and very nasal.

“Does the sight of a ruined orphanage cause you so much grief?”

The demon girl sneezes, shooting a large snot out of her nose. “No, iz juz that I’m allergic to dust,” she slurs her words, then takes out a napkin to blow her nose.

Before he has a chance to react to that information, he’s forced to drag both of them out of harm’s way as the giant has now made them his target. Dezechiel gently lays the meek maiden on the ground, then readies his blade once more. Wild flames ignite all around him, sending sparks all throughout the plaza. With his fastest dash yet, he shoots up in the sky like a rocket and slashes at his enemy’s neck.

However, not even that has any effect. Zahnpaster stumbles back a little, giving the swordsman at least some time to recuperate.

“Tsk, no good,” he spits to the side. “Any ideas, Fan-Fan?”

The girl who has yet to take part in the fight blows her nose again. “Doesn’t the Ring of Giants make the wielder immortal?”

“Eeeh? It does??”

“Yeah, the clan leader’s daughter clearly said so when she gave it to you…” she points out.

“Aaah, Emi, huh? That one was fine, hehe…”

Before another hit pummels them to death, Fantastasia quickly kicks her partner to the side and then makes her own escape.

“How do you miss that? Does your mind seriously go blank when girls are involved?!?”

Dezechiel, still coughing and recovering from the kick he received to his abdomen, shrugs his shoulders with a smile. “I meaaaan, isn’t love the most important, at the end of the day?”

Fan-Fan sighs. This is the dimwit she has to deal with on a daily basis.

“What are you two chattering about?” the giant shakes the ground with his voice. “I am right here! Come at me if you can!”

“Shut the fuck up with that rotten mouth of yours,” Fantastasia retorts sharply, “I’m having a face-to-face with my buddy here, alright? So don’t you EVER dare interrupt us!”

Zahnpaster stops in his tracks. “Eh? Does my breath smell bad?”

“Like shit.”

The giant licks the back of his hand and begins sniffing it. In the meantime, Fan-Fan walks over to Deze, who is still getting up from the ground.

“Just so you know, I can’t fight on a full nose!” she exclaims, aggressively pointing her finger. “To begin with, this is your mess, so you clean it up yourself!”

“Eh? What the fuck am I supposed to do about an immortal giant alone? Help me out you lazy sack of shit,” Dezechiel responds, throwing his hands to the side.

“How the hell am I supposed to breathe, you moron?” Fan-Fan asks, exaggerating her stuffy nose.

“Tsk, whatever, not like I-”

He takes a quick look around. Something’s hitting his nose too, and it isn’t the giant’s smelly breath.

“Oh my fucking god Fan, the town’s burning!”

The girl scans the area. “Don’t tell me you used those flame arts of yours or whatever you call that magic nonsense…”

“How else am I supposed to cull an immortal giant?!?”

“Immortal giant!!!” Zahnpaster yells, bringing his fist down over the two of them once more.

Both of them dodge to the side and the only thing taking a beating is the town’s pavement once more.

“Alright ice queen, I think it’s time you put that frosty magic of yours to use,” Dezechiel points out, trying to slash at the enemy’s wrist.

“Fuck you!!! You know I hate that title! Ugh,” the girl tries her hardest to think of another way, but fails to come up with anything.

Dezechiel’s blade heats up to the point of almost melting. This time, his attack manages to dig under the giant’s skin.

“You’re really gonna have to take me out somewhere nice after this!” Fantastasia yells after him, then stabs her spear into the ground.

Her lips part. The moment the first word is spoken, the air becomes uncharacteristically chilly, her breath freezing as it comes out.

“A lone snow lily,
Even if hell froze over,
I’d be there for you.”

A cold current snuffs out the burning homes, clouds seemingly appearing out of thin air above their heads. Dezechiel, taking on the massive giant, is too busy to notice the snowflakes falling from the sky. Zahnpaster is also too absorbed in combat to notice anything. And all of the citizens are trying to salvage what they can and run.

Fantastasia stands alone along the frozen floor, looking at the ruined orphanage. A tear, this time, a genuine one, slides down her cheek. She snivels and wipes her eyes. Not like she’d want Dezechiel to see her like this anyways.

“What are you waiting for, you goofball, you gonna help those children out of the rubble or not?”

She looks in his direction. God, how nice it must be, being so ignorant. She slaps herself on the cheeks to get revved up, then puts on her normal lightheaded smile.

“Sorry, was too busy laughing at how you can’t handle anything larger than seven centimeters!!”

The fierce slashes don’t stop. It’s been half an hour since they started intercepting Zahnpaster, but the giant refuses to give in. Deze can get below his skin, but never deep enough for anything else than keeping him at bay. He’s tried all of it: striking armpits, eyes, ligaments, even the spinal cord, but he always seems to be one inch too shallow. And that irritates him.

The snowy weather has blown out all of the flames while Fan-Fan’s been hard at work evacuating the citizens. After safely getting them all out, she goes to regroup with the combatting swordsman.

“Stop flying around already,” the giant complains, trying to snag his foe like a fly.

“Haha, if I had my angelic wings, I could show you what real flying looks like!” Dezechiel brags, then tries to strike Zahnpaster’s open mouth with little success.

The absolute unit stops for a second, ignoring the brown-haired swordsman’s attacks. Then, the moment Deze goes for another slash, he throws a pile of rubble he’s been hiding in his hand at his foe.

Dezechiel gets struck midair and is sent toppling to the ground, blood oozing out of his injuries as he rolls through the snow. A long red smudge nicely highlights just how far he’s come… not as a person, but after getting physically destroyed.

He instantly props himself up with his blade before his attacker can conjure up another plot or strike again. By this time, Fantastasia is back on the battlefield.

“Not often a giant puts you to shame like this,” she comments after seeing the state he’s in.

“‘Tis but a flesh wound,” he grunts, getting back on his two feet. “Remind me again, why did you never tell me to use the ring that turns you into an immortal giant?”

They dodge Zahnpaster’s kick as if they were playing skip rope, casually talking all throughout.

“Oh, because it kills you while you wear it?” Fan-Fan points out.

“Eh?” Dezechiel’s quite surprised.

“Eeeeeeeeh?” The giant even more so.

The flurry of attacks stop. They all just kind of stand there amidst the destruction.

“What, you seriously don’t remember? The guy we fought to get it died after an hour.”

“Aaah, now that you mention it…” Deze seems to be recalling something.

“Waitwaitwait, are you guys for real?” The giant slowly starts backing up.

Fantastasia turns to him, face filled with disgust. “Huh? Did you think you could attain immortality THAT easily? Of course the item is cursed, you just can’t get killed while using it…”

“Then why were you carrying it on you??” Zahnpaster begins to panic.

“Aaah, I wanted to sell it,” Dezechiel begins regaining his long lost useless memories. “This was shortly before the jewelry store ban. It just kinda stuck with me ever since.”

“Wait, you’re actually banned from jewelry stores?” Fan-Fan seems quite surprised by this, but also repulsed. “I thought it was a joke…”

The giant falls to his knees. “A-a-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” His roar shakes the whole plaza, forcing at least two buildings to crumble and likely damaging the structural integrity of many others.

The angelic swordsman holds his hand over his ears. “Duude, can you be a bit quieter? My eardrum almost popped, jeez…”

“Can I take it off? CAN I TAKE IT OFF?”

Fan-Fan also doesn’t seem to be a fan of having over 150 decibels blasted in her general vicinity. “Dude, just try, worst case scenario, you die.”

“You’re gonna die anyways, might as well give it a shot,” Dezechiel adds.

The giant hovers his fingers over the ring. With a loud scream, he slides it off.

An explosion goes off, shooting dust up in the air once more. Both of the protagonists begin coughing violently. You don’t need to be allergic to dust to have a bad reaction at this megadose.

“Well, RIP that guy,” Deze comments on the tragic event. Fan-Fan is too busy having a cough attack to make any witty jokes regarding the situation.

Once the air begins to clear up, a meek bald man can be seen sitting in the epicenter of the explosion. “I’m- I’m alive!” he cheers.

To his surprise though, the bottom of the angel’s boot gives him a world-exclusive tour through the taste of pavement, concrete, and other constructional delicacies as his teeth scatter like flower petals in the wind. When he comes to, he finds himself in a comfortable cell, no longer having to worry about bad breath after having most of his rotten dentition removed.


Fantastasia runs with her ice-cream to see the incredible view of the entire city of Dentalia from the massive terrace. Houses sprinkled around like stars in the sky, bustling crowds in the streets, flowers and trees blooming… Truly, a spectacle worth going through all of this turmoil for.

If we ignore the massive patch where the town’s plaza used to be, it’s a very picturesque place.

“Whoaaa, I can see the whole city from this balcony,” her eyes sparkle as she leans on the railing, unaware she’s dripping ice-cream all over the floor. “Thanks for taking me out to a place like this, Deze!”

The two maids accompanying them seem happy. It is quite often that lovey-dovey pairs come here and this place even gets a fair share of confessions throughout the year!

Her smile is pure, unstained like the joy of a child. Dezechiel walks up behind her, wrapping his hands around the unassuming girl.

“I’ve yet to ‘take you out somewhere nice’,” he says in an uncharacteristically sweet voice.

“D-Dez-Dez?” she turns around, her face a shade redder than her strawberry ice-cream, nicely complimenting her pink hair fluttering in the wind.

Without explaining anything, her partner lifts her up in the air, then arches his back as he gently German suplexes the poor girl’s face into the pavement.

Both of the maids scream in unison. The brown-haired gentleman simply throws the unconscious maiden over his shoulder and begins taking his leave.

“Oh, right, the offer said we can get a refund within five minutes of starting if we don’t like it here. Is that the case?”

The two workers back up, nodding profusely.

“Good, that works out perfectly. Not like we have the money to spare after destroying half the town,” he notes.

“Very well then, sir. Would you at least like, uh, a napkin for the lady?”

Dezechiel looks at Fan-Fan’s bleeding forehead, then at the maid. “Does it come free of charge?”

“Uh, yes sir…”

“Thanks then.” He takes the complimentary amenity and gently wipes the blood off the girl’s face. In this economy, you can’t turn free things down.

“Farewell, you two,” he says his goodbyes, walking off into the sunset with his knocked out pink-haired parner.

“Uhh… yes… take care, both of you,” the maids bow, hoping to never have to deal with a customer like that ever again.