Ishikawa Yamada and Maeda Fumiko decide that future is uncertain.

***
Ishikawa Yamada

Listen to this confession of mine. I've never been able to tell what was on people's minds. My grandpa always said that life was too short to waste it on doing things you didn't want to. A life spent on things you hate is miserable, so you should do everything possible to prevent that from happening.

Many things in this world were far from enjoyable, and going through your life without even a moment of unhappiness was impossible. But grandpa taught me a trick. He said that I just needed to learn to enjoy. Enjoy putting in the effort, striving for my goals, and overcoming challenges. He added that I wouldn't always succeed, but that was fine.

And so I listened to him. Constantly doing my best, I put in as much effort as possible. I was taught to enjoy overcoming difficulties, so I did. The joy of success was all I needed to move forward. No matter the circumstances involved, I was planning to have a blast. 

With time, that became more than a mentality. I started seeing it as a significant part of myself. It turned into my pride, my goal, and my aspiration. Only doing what you want to, enjoying yourself as much as you can, and not being afraid of challenges — all of those formed the core of my personality.

In middle school, I clashed with others a lot. I was always clear about what I liked and disliked and never conformed if it meant doing what I didn't want to. A lot of my peers thought I was selfish and egotistical for that. I honestly didn't care. With that said, since I had the best grades, was the ace of the football team, and, as arrogant as it is to say, had good looks, people didn't necessarily avoid me.

Aside from my obsession with only doing what I wanted, I was never rude to others and always strived to help my friends. I also never forced anyone to move according to my will. I merely didn't conform to others. Many saw that and got along with me just fine. In fact, I was pretty popular. 

I thought there was nothing wrong with my attitude. I didn't hurt anyone, and those who got offended were usually the ones being unreasonable. But, as I soon discovered, you don't live in a vacuum. Your actions always affect others, whether you want them or not.

I was different from modern Yukino, who always said what she thought. I tried to be as thoughtful as possible while still being honest. Usually, I balanced being frank and considerate, but sometimes, when I needed to be direct, I didn't hesitate to say what was on my mind.

Whenever my friends were troubled, I would try to give them the same advice my grandpa gave me long ago. Try to find satisfaction in overcoming difficulties and search for enjoyment in whatever you're doing. But they were different from me. Hell, of course, they were. Every person is unique, and trying to project your ideals on them is but a fool's errand.

And yet I attempted just that.

Some of them would distance themselves, unable to endure my standards — others would try their best to follow my advice, only to fail and become disillusioned with me. Not everyone enjoys challenges, not everyone can find enjoyment in the same things I could, and finally, not everyone even believed that would solve anything.

They would say I was escaping from reality — that my attempt at enjoying hardships was nothing but a compromise. Not wanting to feel the bitterness of life forcing itself on me, I tried to convince myself that I was having fun.

What a load of bullshit.

They projected that negativity on me simply because they couldn't enjoy studying or were afraid of challenges. I felt disgusted — not only by their behavior but also by the fact that what I did wasn't much different. I thought anyone could be like me. I couldn't have been more wrong.

To this day, I struggle to understand others. What are our similarities? What about the differences? I can't picture what goes on in their hearts and minds. That's why I can only stand here and stare. No matter how much I want to help, I can't dispose of the feeling that I got it wrong. And yet those ties break regardless of my interference. 

There is only one thing I can always clearly notice. It's when things start falling apart. They begin breaking down, starting with the slightest crack. And then I stand and watch.

Watch as one more future crumbles in front of my eyes.

***

It was after my conversation with Shosei. I was walking down the hallway, heading to the sports field. I still had the club to attend, so I had no time to waste. Suddenly, a figure entered my sight. She was leaning on the wall as if waiting for me.

"Fumiko...," I muttered.

"Yo, Yamada-kun. How did it go?" she asked casually.

"How do you know what I was doing? And besides, don't you have club activities? Why are you here?" I replied. Her appearance caught me off guard, so my voice was slightly shaky.

"Our club is temporarily suspended, remember? I decided to skip today, she explained and switched back to a more important topic.  

"Anyway, how did it go?" she repeated her question. Her piercing stare could probably see through my flimsy lies, so I decided there was no point in hiding it.

"Not well... Shosei tried to shrug it off, but he's not tricking anyone with that expression — not even me."

"I see..."

Her reply was curt, and she didn't ask any further questions, almost as if she expected that answer in the first place. Even then, she still sounded disappointed. Fumiko looked outside the window, and words of regret fell from her lips. They weren't addressed to me and probably didn't even have a destination.

"This short dream is already falling apart, huh...?"

***
Maeda Fumiko

Your true self is nothing like we thought.

That's what I've repeatedly heard time after time.

I've always loved getting to know new people. Learning more about others fascinated me. What kind of values did they have? What did they think about this or that? How would they react if this happened? I constantly sought answers to those sorts of questions.

Because of that, I liked making new friends. If a person interested me, I would always think to myself. 

How do I break the ice easily? What should I do so that they can have fun? What would let me grow closer to them?

Unlike the previous questions, the answers to the last ones came to me effortlessly. When it comes to human emotions, I've always been sharp — a result of my natural interest in them, I suppose. So I knew what to do to make friends with others.

I knew what to say to make them at ease. I understood how to talk to be liked by others. I could also effortlessly grasp the troubles haunting them. I used that knowledge to make as many friends as I could.

But it wasn't like I was hiding my true self. I was merely making slight adjustments to fit the others better. Isn't that what everyone does? Like when students act more reserved around their teachers or when we put on a front near those we don't want to disappoint. What's wrong with that?

For me, that was a common truth, as obvious as the fact that the sky was blue. And so, there was a single difference between my adjustments and those of others.

I wasn't hiding them.

Whenever my intent didn't fit others' wishes, I prioritized it over conforming. Unhesitatingly, decisively. I thought if the friendships I forged were real, then mere disagreements would never cause them to break down.

I was naive. Or maybe I should say I was right because those connections couldn't be called real friendship. Although, I didn't even know if there was such a thing as real friendship.

Your true self is nothing like we thought.

Others would tell me that again and again. As if I cared for their opinion. I was sure that if I asked, they wouldn't even be able to explain what 'true self' was. How can you understand something as vague as that? So, if you conform to your surroundings, would that immediately mean you're lying to yourself? That would mean we're all liars.

In the first place, how do people even define their true selves? If how you act can so easily change depending on the environment, wouldn't that prove that actions aren't a good show of your personality? I also don't think that values or beliefs show anything. Aren't they merely abstractions that we pick up from our surroundings?

We believe in what we consider either convenient or accurate, similar to how we gather scientific knowledge. We might acknowledge the subjectivity of values as opposed to science, but that doesn't matter. We still pursue those subjective values to understand the world around us. In other words, we're just trying to gather knowledge for survival — it's a mere self-preservation instinct.

In the end, we all cling to that subjectivity, proclaiming it to be the core of what makes us ourselves, but there is no authentic way to define our personality. It's abstract, subjective, and inconsistent. When we're comfortable with the people around us, we act like 'our true selves.' Yet we might never behave the same way in any other environment. Take away that group of people we're attached to, and 'our true selves' might never come to the surface again.

Is the role you play in a group, combined with a couple of surface-level traits, an interest or two, and the banner named 'values' that we sign ourselves under — is all of that enough to call it your true self? Aren't we all just desperately clinging to anything that we could call our personalities?

And maybe that's fine. Maybe there is nothing wrong with playing a role you enjoy. Perhaps it's okay to associate ourselves with shallow qualities. And maybe we were free to assign ourselves to different ideals, like scientists who support one theory against the other. But I still couldn't help but wonder.

Everyone kept talking about my true self, saying I was a liar. They told me that I sacred them. They were terrified of how suddenly I could switch my course of action — how I could go from cheery to creepily perceptive. And so, I had to doubt. Doubt my conviction.

If everyone was so convinced that true self existed — wouldn't that mean I was the broken one? Wouldn't that suggest I was the only one without a sense of self? That would mean I was empty. Lacking in anything I could call my personality. Unable to even cling to subjective values everyone else cared about so much.

And that thought didn't even scare me. Perhaps, that fact was the scariest of all.

***

But all of that was way past me. I didn't care anymore. I decided that, since I didn't know what it meant to be myself, then I would learn. And, if I couldn't do even that much, I would find happiness without being myself. After all, I was already having plenty of fun as things stood.

Maybe that's what it means to have your true self — finding something you value and doing everything you can to keep that in your grasp. I was satisfied with that as my answer. Because no matter how much I doubted everything else, this desire was genuine. In that alone, I was convinced.

Now that I think about it, I've always done whatever I wanted, even back then. Maybe that was also genuinely me. Not like I would have accepted this answer at the time.

This group has accepted me even without my true self that others so vehemently demanded. They welcomed me no matter how much my behavior shifted. So I was okay. As long as they were happy, I would remain satisfied.

Akira has dealt with his past, and Yukino-chan came back to singing. Ever since Shosei joined us, things have been going well. For us, that is. I wasn't sure the same was true for him.

Maegara Shosei was someone I didn't understand. From the beginning of this year, he'd been trying to grow closer to us. He reminded me of my past self. But he was different. Shosei's behavior didn't have sudden shifts, betraying his true intent, but he also wasn't merely doing this out of a half-hearted attempt to fit in.

I wondered what did he really desire?

That question was quite possibly the most important one. After all, if what you valued the most represented your true self — what about someone who was torn between several conflicting wishes? What would they do then?

I had a feeling I would learn the truth soon.

***

November's end was rapidly approaching. During this month, the six of us constantly went places, spending as much time together as possible. Every day was filled with fun events, and every outing was memorable. I was sure that Yukino and Akira didn't even notice anything amiss. Yamada was sensitive to such things, so he was a different case. But I clearly knew. There wasn't much left of this crumbling illusion.

Today, we were in the karaoke again. This time, Yukino agreed to sing. Moreover, she was so enthused that every third song was her pick. On the other hand, Shosei barely sang, embarrassed to put his horrible skills to the show. Or so it seemed, at least.

Yukino, seeing him troubled, exaggeratedly shrugged her shoulders, showing how bothersome it was to her, then 'reluctantly' began practicing with him. After half an hour of training, Shosei's singing went from torture-level punishment to just horrible. I didn't know if that meant he had talent or just highlighted how horrendous he was before.

After that, we told him to pick whatever he wanted to sing, and he tilted his head, thinking. In a second, he settled on a song. He probably didn't think it through much. It was just a subconscious decision.

He began, and I instantly recognized the song.

"Oh," exclaimed Akira. "That's the opening to that anime that aired recently, right?" he asked.

"I randomly saw it on TV," Akira explained, then, probably thinking it was a good opportunity, decided to tease Shosei. 

"Hoooo? So you're into that stuff, huh?" he asked in an obviously exaggerated tone.

"Eh...? Ah, I guess, hahaha," Shosei replied, catching on to the fact that he was being teased. He tried to laugh it off, but the laughter turned out to be pretty awkward.

No one paid any attention to that, and the enjoyable evening continued.

The karaoke outing ended uneventfully. Nothing, particularly of note, happened. Like always, we had some fun and then went home — like always, half of us didn't notice any of the signs.

It was the little things that made all the difference. Nothing was worse than small details reminding you of what you no longer had. And I was sure those minor elements would slowly pile up to overwhelm him.