The Dreamer awakens from his illusions.

***

It was a pleasant summer day. We were taking a walk in the park and decided to take a break. We sat on the first bench we found. It was a relatively chilly day for the summer, so the temperature was perfect, and we basked in the warm sunshine, feeling the pleasant breeze caress our skin. 

That was also the first time I realized how comfortable my friendship with him felt. And that realization made me think. I still vividly remember the train of thought I had at the time.

Have you ever felt truly understood?

Even if that feeling is nothing but an illusion, and the understanding does not actually exist. And even if you realize that you're merely clinging to a faint hope — that you're only projecting your expectations.

Wouldn't you still want to hold on to that convenience?

Basking in the pleasant comfort of it, you stop moving. While closing yourself in your little world, you limit yourself only to things you find valuable and never learn just how much there is to explore in this big wide world. Is it wrong to cling to that pleasant cage you've trapped yourself in? Many people spend years feeling lost and never get to find something they enjoy. Isn't it true happiness to find a precious little world of your own?

It doesn't matter what lies at the core of that world. A hobby, an interest, a group of people, or a lifestyle, containing all of the above. What's important is that you should treasure what you have. Go on with your life, praying that your days of happiness will go on forever.

There was nothing wrong with that conclusion. I wanted to agree with it with all my heart, yet I couldn't. Is that truly the correct answer? Even though I understood the idea itself, it still felt wrong. Something about agreeing with it made me feel uncomfortable. As if I was missing something.

I desperately hid that thought as I looked at my friend. Was our relationship nothing more than an escape? A compromise we agreed to, knowing that we will never achieve what we truly want to?

At the time, I still didn't have a good response to those questions. Now, however, it was different. I feel like both of us are finally approaching our answers.

***
Maegahara Shosei

November came to an end, and we entered December. It was less than three weeks until the final exams. Telling everyone from the group that I had to study, I stopped hanging out with them — even though I've never been a particularly diligent student.

They were also puzzled by my decision, but I told them that I wanted to try doing my best this time. While I was sure not all of them necessarily believed me, my excuse wasn't too far-fetched. I had pretty good grades, so it wasn't too much to assume I was serious about studying. Although, he would certainly call me out on my lie immediately.

I was slumped in front of my desk, staring at the textbooks, but my mind was elsewhere. From time to time, my gaze would wander around, repeatedly grazing various items in my room. From old photo frames, flipped so I couldn't see the actual pictures, to posters and other pieces of anime merchandise I had lying around in my room. I wasn't making much progress in my studies, so I took a break.

I usually never studied and still got good grades, so naturally, if I put in some genuine effort, I should have been able to get even better results. But that wasn't the case. This break from hanging out was supposed to improve my grades, but it had no positive effect. Usually, that would be a problem, but I didn't care.

When did interactions with them begin feeling painful? It wasn't that I stopped enjoying their company. I wasn't disappointed in my dream nor regretted getting to know them. My opinion on them has stayed the same since the beginning of this bet.

It wasn't that I didn't find days spent with them satisfying. I reached my goal and was happy about that. It's just that after reaching my goal, I realized that something was missing. The dream I nurtured for what felt like my entire life was incomplete. It lacked what I wanted. 

With time, my surroundings shifted, and I changed with them. Years passed, my values evolved, and what mattered to me changed. And yet I thought that the ideal I aspired to didn't. Needless to say, I was wrong.

Long ago, I set my sights on a goal. I found a path to it and ran, never stopping to look around. Nothing could stop me from moving forward, and nothing could make me shift my gaze from my dream.

I thought that to be dedication and conviction. It turned out to be something different. But it wasn't stubbornness, immaturity, or naivety — I was aware of those and constantly tried to avoid them. I thought I'd learned from my mistakes. I accepted the crueler parts of the world, tried to look at things objectively, and convinced myself that I could settle for a compromise while I bide my time.

No, it was neither stubbornness, immaturity, nor naivety. It was simple blindness. I just couldn't see anything. Not just my surroundings but also myself. Especially myself.

We prefer to have a clear image of ourselves. Humans want to be rational and strive to understand themselves through a lens of logic. However, logic is often flawed. Throughout our lives, we misunderstand ourselves just like we misunderstand others. We make excuses, lie to ourselves, and lose ourselves to what we consider rational. We think, and whether our thoughts are correct or not, nurture what eventually becomes our opinions and views. We take pride in the conclusions we reach and, as a result, are often unable to deny them.

Can you deny your logic? Can you deny your convictions? And finally, can you deny your pride? Unless you're able to, you're bound to get things wrong. What your mind considers correct will not always match what your heart wants. Even if you rationalize your feelings and try to follow them, what will lead you isn't your heart but rather what your mind thinks you want. So long as our minds make all the decisions, we are bound to keep misunderstanding ourselves.

That's why we have to keep interpreting, keep thinking. And that's why we will keep getting ourselves wrong.

That's what happened to me. I arrogantly thought I could understand what I wanted. I called that arrogance conviction, and I called my misunderstandings beliefs. But was I truly wrong? What I found at the end of this road is a dead end. I could certainly see it wasn't what I genuinely wanted. The feeling that something was wrong was constantly with me throughout November. But is that enough to dismiss the road I chose entirely? I wasn't sure. Because the same feeling of wrongness was with me throughout the peaceful days I spent with him.

So what was the correct answer in the end?

***

It was only a little more than a week until the finals. I was trying to reset before focusing on studying, so I decided that today was a rest day. I was sitting in my room, and my gaze lay on the light novel volume lying on my desk.

"I ended up buying it..."

There was an anime airing this season that was based on the light novel in front of me. I watched an episode and thought the adaptation was awful, but the premise was pretty interesting. The animation was mediocre, but that wasn't the biggest issue. The dialogue and the character writing felt awkward, and the flow and the tone both felt wrong. I thought there was a good chance the original might not have the same problems, so I decided to read it.

Normally, I wouldn't do that. I don't read many light novels, but whenever I hear that the adaptation was horrible, I always give the original a try. With that said, I rarely go in blind like I am now. That's because before, there was an idiot always telling me which ones were ruined by their adaptations.

But he isn't with me anymore.

I began reading, flipping page after page, as I engrossed myself in the story. The time went unnoticeably as I rapidly made it through the book. Only the sound of the ticking clock accompanied my journey through the fascinating world of the novel.

Finally, I made it through to the end of the volume. I shut the book with a satisfying sound and voiced my impressions in a whisper.

"It really is great. The characters are interesting, and it has so many unique concepts...," I said, my voice trembling.

By the time I noticed, my fists were clenched tight. A tear was running down my cheek. I tried to hold back my emotions but couldn't even bring myself to unclench my fists. And the tears wouldn't stop either. I tried to open my mouth to make a silent scream and noticed my lip was bleeding. This entire time, I was biting on it.

"...Damn it...," I said  

Even though I tried to forget everything, the feeling that something was missing wouldn't disappear. The more small reminders of the little happiness I used to share with him I ran into, the worse this feeling of emptiness and loss became.

As I realized my pain, I noticed them for the first time since the bet started. 

Noticed Itsuki's feelings.

 ***

The exams came. All of December, I desperately avoided Yamada-san and the others. I asked him to meet me in the park near the school the day after the tests were over. I lay on my bed with my eyes closed. My right hand was covering my face, so my expression couldn't be seen from the side. I've been in this pose for quite some time. As soon as I came from school, I shut myself in my room and sprawled on the bed.

Suddenly, a phone rang. I got up from my bed and sluggishly approached my desk. Reluctantly, I picked the phone up. The screen displayed the caller's name. It was Fumiko-san. After some hesitation, I decided to answer the call.

"...Yes?"

"Hey...," Fumiko-san replied gently. "Are you okay, Shosei?"

She didn't specify what she meant by that, but the implications of her question were apparent regardless. I stayed silent for a few seconds, deliberating — no, resolving myself.

"...Fumiko-san... sorry," I said weakly. "...And goodbye, Maeda-san."

The moment I finished speaking, I hung up the phone. In total silence, I fell back on the bed. The only sound present was the muffled rustling of the cloth.

Tomorrow, I would meet him.

***

I was sitting on the bench in the park near the school. With the coming of December, the weather has gotten colder, and waiting for him should have been troublesome. I'm saying 'should have' because, weirdly enough, I couldn't even feel the cold. My thoughts were occupied by what was coming next. Even the surrounding sounds seemed muffled like I was submerged underwater.

Suddenly, my ears picked up on sounds that stood out from the rest. I could hear them so clearly it felt like they were directly transferred into my mind. The crunch of the snow. Rustling clothes. Rhythmic breathing.

I lifted my gaze, and he stood there. Furukawa Itsuki.

His expression wasn't mocking like it was a few months ago. His face looked grim, almost lifeless. He stopped a dozen meters away from me and didn't come any closer. I judged that to be an appropriate distance.

The silence started, and none of us were willing to break it. I had so many things to say, and at the same time, this could be over with a single sentence. I didn't know if Itsuki was the same or if he came here only to listen. Realizing that this silence could last forever at this rate, I took a deep breath and began speaking.

"...Itsuki..." I called out his name. I lifted my face and looked at the sky as I continued. "...It's my loss."

Itsuki didn't reply, just stared at me, his expression unchanging. I was okay with him not speaking — I would do all the talking. I kept staring at the sky to prevent myself from facing him as I continued.

"...I'm sorry...," I apologized. "You were right. I betrayed myself because I didn't understand anything."

His prediction back then was on point. I couldn't abandon my dream and ended up regretting everything. I lacked an understanding of who I was and what I truly valued. The only thing I saw was an idealized illusion created by my past self. It was naive and painfully immature. The pride I took in stubbornly clinging to that dream was no different from arrogance. I thought I understood what I wanted, but I knew nothing.

"But that was far from the worst thing I did."

Yes, hurting myself as I realized I was oblivious to what I wanted was far from the worst. There was something else I so selfishly tarnished by my actions.

"I betrayed myself. I betrayed you. But, most importantly — I betrayed our friendship."

There is no denying that I destroyed the bond we shared. Not only did I abandon Itsuki to get closer to Ishikawa-san and the rest, but I also never even considered his feelings. He was already traumatized. A close friendship once hurt him in the past, and he still decided not to give up on searching. He thought of me as a friend who could understand him, someone he could share both worries and joy with. And I stabbed him in the back.

"With the first opportunity to fulfill my dream, I left you and selfishly pursued my desires. I didn't even spare a second to think about what you felt, and it took me this long to realize that."

I was blinded by my dream and couldn't awaken until I recognized how empty my chest felt. I couldn't see Itsuki's pain until the moment I felt mine. 

Finally, I faced Itsuki. My face was a mess — tears were running down my cheeks, and my lip was bleeding from the number of times I bit on it throughout this conversation. My voice gradually rose, turning into a scream.

"It's painful to realize you've lost something! I don't know if you felt as much pain as I did from this betrayal or if you expected nothing from the beginning and were ready for this outcome, but either way — I'm sorry!"

No amount of apologies would make up to him. I wasn't planning to beg for forgiveness in the first place. I knew that, but I still wanted to apologize.

I went silent, tightly clenching my fists. Even though I betrayed and hurt Itsuki, there was something else I absolutely had to say. I took a deep breath. It was by far the most crucial part of this conversation. Everything up to this point has been nothing more than my selfish confession. I one-sidedly screamed my feelings at him, attempting to numb my pain.

But there was something I had to say for his sake. Even if I didn't have the right to that.

"...But, please...," I started and took a deep breath. Then, a scream erupted from the bottom of my heart.

"Please, don't give up on people! Even if it's not anytime soon, I'm sure you will find someone you can connect with!"

For the first time since the beginning of the conversation, Itsuki reacted. He reeled back, surprised by my words. They were the same as the words once told to him in the past. I didn't want to imagine a future where he would decide that searching for connections is worthless. I still believed he could find a true friend. Someone way better than me or 'B.'

I didn't know if my words reached him — hell, I didn't even know if they could reach him. But I had to say that regardless. Now that I did, it was time to say goodbye.

"...My birthday is in a week. I'm planning to spend the entire day alone in the arcade... Goodbye, Itsuki," I said and ran away.

As I was running, I mumbled, irritated by my last words.

"...Damn... Why did I say that?"

In the end, it seems I am just hopelessly selfish.

***
Furukawa Itsuki

His words still echoed in my ears. Shosei left without turning back.

"What an idiot...," I said as I breathed a sigh of exasperation.

Betrayed me, huh? So that's how you saw it?

But all of that didn't matter. In a week, on the 25th of December, Shosei's birthday would come. There were still unsolved issues and unspoken words. He selfishly flung his feelings at me and didn't even listen to mine. 

What? Did you think there was nothing for me to say? As if, you idiot.

***

A few days passed. I was still deliberating. Shosei found his answer, but I was still unsure of mine. I decided to head to school today. The exam grades should have been publicized by now.

My thoughts were occupied as I made my way through the gates. There was a commotion near the entrance of the main building. It didn't surprise me. The information board, where all the grades and rankings were, was located there. I walked through the crowds, intending to see the results myself. Finally, I could make out the letters on the board.

First place... was, as always, me. I placed at the top in every subject and obviously overall as well. The second place, as usual, was firmly Ishikawa's. But that's not what I came here for. Whoever was at the top of the grade didn't interest me. My gaze traveled down to find what I really wanted to know. Suddenly, a voice called out to me.

"Hey, Itsuki. Do you have some time to talk?"

Even without turning around, I knew who it was. The voice that called out to me was the one I'd gotten used to hearing over the past month. It belonged to the enigma of the group, the one always observing.

And it certainly wasn't Ishikawa.

I turned around and nodded, agreeing to speak. As I walked away from the entrance, a single annoying thought was stuck in my mind.

Shosei's grades dropped significantly.

Even though he is supposed to be focused on studying this month. Seriously, what the hell is that idiot even doing?