For the first time, Maegahara Shosei clearly sees his heart's desires.

***
Maegahara Shosei

"Hello, dumbass. Thought you could get rid of me that easily?"

I was playing some machines in the arcade when Itsuki suddenly appeared in front of me. The first thing he did was call me a dumbass. Seriously, he never changes.

"Dumbass...? Well, it's appropriate considering my actions..." I replied weakly.

"And that's why you're a dumbass," he cut my words off and started lecturing me. "What were you thinking? Spewing your bullshit and then running away. I have a lot to say as well, you know?" Itsuki complained, and his face twisted in annoyance.

Figuring that his anger was justified, I could only reply with a weak apology.

"Sorry...," I said.

"Don't apologize. As I said, that's why you're a dumbass," Itsuki grumbled and heaved a sigh. His gaze directed at me was criticizing, and I reeled back. "Listen to me," he started and took a deep breath, preparing to list off his complaints in one go.

"First, you ditch me without an explanation and go off to do your thing, reaching for your dreams or whatever bullshit. Then, you suddenly realize that you regret your decision. And what did you do?" Itsuki asked and, without waiting for an answer, continued his barrage of words.

"You selfishly, one-sidedly talked your heart out, assumed whatever you wanted of my feelings, and left without letting me say a word. And on top of that, you had the audacity to indirectly invite me to your birthday. Seriously, what's wrong with you?"

My face twisted in bitterness, and I hung my head, unable to face him directly.

I couldn't find any words to reply with. In the first place, I was in total agreement with Itsuki. My actions were egotistic. Even though I asked to have a conversation with him, I didn't even listen to him as I laid my heart bare for nothing more than self-consolation.

While I was sinking in self-criticism, Itsuki added.

"Still... I was happy when you told me not to give up on others. Because I agree with that."

I lifted my head in surprise and stared at him wide-eyed. Ignoring my reaction, Itsuki continued, his sharp gaze still directed at me.

"You had time to vent, so now it's my turn," he said and turned around as he started walking away. "Come on, Shosei, let's go somewhere else."

"Eh? Why not just stay here...?" I asked him as I hurried to grab the bag I'd left on the arcade machine.

"Are you seriously planning to stay here all day?" Itsuki retorted. "It's your birthday, so we might as well take a walk."

After leaving the arcade, we walked some distance. We went to various spots that held precious memories for us. Itsuki's favorite bookstore, the shopping mall where the game store we always frequented was, and the vending machine where we usually stopped to get drinks. We didn't enter any places as we merely passed them by. The entire time, we stayed totally silent. Itsuki had his back turned to me, so I couldn't gauge his expression. Finally, we arrived at the last stop — the park near the school.

Itsuki slowly turned around and faced me. His gaze drifted into the air, facing the sky. After a few seconds of silence, he once again looked at me.

"You're annoying, you know that?" Itsuki started. "I was so angry you would dare to assume what I felt. I hate it when people, controlled by their sympathy and kindness, allow themselves to think they understand someone's feelings. That reminds me of someone I would rather forget about," he said with unfitting calmness.

His words rang a bell. There was someone from Itsuki's past who fit that description. He assumed he knew what was best for others and took action based on that. It was the same thing 'B' did.

Reminded of Itsuki's past, I felt guilt overtake me. The emptiness and pain I sensed when I realized that I'd ruined our friendship came back, making my face twist in self-deprecation. I reeled back, unable to handle the flooding emotions.

Ignoring me, Itsuki continued, his voice rising.

"I hate that you assumed my feelings and one-sidedly judged yourself. So instead, let me be the judge!" he proclaimed. 

I looked at him silently, awaiting his decision. The short pause Itsuki took seemed to stretch for eternity. He slowly opened his mouth and announced his conclusion.

"Your verdict —"

As Itsuki talked, his voice transitioned from loud criticism to a calm, almost cold judgment.

"— is that you didn't betray anyone. I would never accept any other conclusion," Itsuki finished resolutely.

"...Eh?" I ejected a weak sound of confusion.

It took me a few seconds to process his words. When I did, I began to protest. However, he quickly interrupted me.

"B-bu—"

"Listen, you dumbass. I was the one who provoked you into a bet. Even if you wanted to get along with Ishikawa's group or whatever, that was no reason for us to distance ourselves. It only happened because I purposefully mocked you, knowing that you wouldn't take it lying down," Itsuki explained while his gaze was intently focused on me.

His explanation made sense, but I still couldn't accept it.

"...Still, I abandoned you. Even though I knew you were already hurt like that in the past—"

"That's not true," he cut me off. "You don't have to worry about my past. No matter what happened before, my evaluation wouldn't change. Besides..."

"...Let me fix that misunderstanding of yours. I've told you about what happened with 'B' and 'I,' as well as the consequences of 'B's foolishness. However, there's something I haven't told you."

Itsuki paused as if resolving himself. Then, after a deep breath, he proclaimed.

"I'm 'B,' you know?"

A silence ensued for several seconds. Finally, I managed to muster a response.

"...What?" A question involuntarily left my mouth as I struggled to process his confession.

"I wasn't 'I,' the bullied and ostracized kid. I was 'B' this entire time," he affirmed clearly.

Unable to offer a reply, I stayed quiet.

My mind raced as I tried to organize my thoughts. Itsuki was 'B,' aka the popular kid. That means he used to be the outgoing type. Itsuki? Outgoing? Is that a joke of some sort? Moreover, he was the one who spewed overly optimistic ideas and encouraging words at 'I.' That part I found the least believable.

Feeling my shock, Itsuki grinned and started speaking.

"I'm sure you think I am nothing like I was in the past, and I agree. Still, Shosei, you need to accept reality. I was the one who called in outside help during the festival, you know?" he said, leaving me even more confused than before.

When the cultural festival was approaching, we weren't making it in time with the music, so we called for outside help. I was sure that the sociable Ishikawa-san was the one who brought support from outside, but it turns out it was Itsuki.

I was still trying to process the new information when Itsuki continued speaking.

"What I'm saying is... Even if I did get betrayed, I would have no right to complain," he stated. Itsuki looked into my eyes, trying to convey his feelings.

Why was he saying all of that? For what sake did he walk me through all the places we shared such fond memories of? Why was he smiling with his usual snarky grin, and why did his voice regain the familiarity I was so used to?

As I reached the answer to those questions, I bit my lip and clenched my fists tight. I was trying to contain the overflowing emotions that threatened to burst my chest open.

Finally, I managed to ask him with a shaking voice.

"Does... does that mean you forgive me?

I squeezed that question out as my eyes threatened to tear up.

"Idiot, I already judged you to be innocent. Can't forgive someone already innocent," he said, exasperated.

I faintly smiled in return, happy to see his snarkiness back. 

A wave of relief washed over me, and I breathed a sigh.

I might have lost sight of myself and almost let go of my friendship. But now it was fine. I was lost for a few months, but I finally knew what mattered to me. I would never repeat the same mistake. Itsuki forgave me, and now we can return to the good old days...

"...comfortable and pleasant. Is that what you're thinking?" Itsuki interrupted my thoughts. After his question, he kept talking, mocking my thoughts.

"We will lock ourselves in our little world, ignore the surroundings, pretend we're satisfied with this, and keep living unhappily ever after."

"What a horrendous outcome," he coldly concluded. "Is that what you truly want?"

His words stunned me. I was unable to reply. Not because I couldn't process what he said but because the same thoughts dominated my mind.

It was as if he read me as an open book. No, he was simply stating his observations, and they happened to match mine. I knew that, but I desperately wanted that not to be the case. After all, if we both agreed...

That would undoubtedly mean this outcome is also wrong.

I was stunned into silence. My face twisted in bitterness, and my mind raced.

But what was I supposed to do? I'd done everything I could to fix this feeling of wrongness, but nothing came of that. He still stood near me and was willing to be my friend — that fact was already enough of a miracle. Did I have the right to ask for more?

Just a few days ago, I was still blind to my wishes. Now, I could clearly see that no matter what I attempted, it would result in regrets. My failure taught me an important lesson — to value what I had. Even if that meant settling on a compromise.

"What else can I do...?" I asked weakly. I couldn't do anything but settle on the answer I'd found at the end of all the struggles. Seemingly unsatisfied with my reply, Itsuki retorted.

"This isn't like you. No matter how futile and dumb it was. Shosei I know would keep going until the real world gave in," he stated confidently, almost arrogantly.

My reaction to his words was lukewarm. I couldn't even muster the motivation to argue with him.

"...So? What am I supposed to do? I've already lost, you know? Proven wrong, forced to realize that having a perfect group isn't enough for my dream to be fulfilled," I replied, reminding him of my failure.

"So what? You can still go back to Ishikawa and the others. If anything — now that you've solved the issues with me — You can just focus on getting along with them. You don't have to worry about anything else, so it makes things easier," Itsuki answered nonchalantly. Unmotivated, I deflected his words.

"What's the point? I've already experienced what it's like to hang out with them. It's fun, but the feeling of wrongness was even more evident than before... I already know that that isn't my answer."

"So what?" he asked firmly. "Then go back to them and keep searching for answers. Go at it until you prove your doubts wrong. Keep going, slowly grinding this feeling of wrongness into dust until there is nothing left but satisfaction and fulfillment! Strive for nothing short of the ultimate conclusion like you always do!"

His persistent voice transformed into a shout at the end. Annoyed by his stubborn words, I shouted in return.

"I can't, okay?! I'm exhausted! When I think I'm making some progress, I realize I've lost something important to me in return. Biding time, waiting for an opportunity, and doing my best until I succeed — it's all worthless! I'm fine with how things are right now... I'm fine with a compromise," I vented, hoping to dispel this suffocating, enveloping feeling of failure. Itsuki, however, ignored my cries with a cold rebuttal.

"Is it fine? Are you truly okay with this outcome?" he asked as he stared into my eyes, trying to see through my lies. The sincerity in his gaze shook me, and I reeled back.

"I-I—"

"Wait," Itsuki interrupted me. "Before you say anything, listen to this final confession of mine."

His sudden statement stopped me in my tracks. Sensing the graveness in his tone, I looked at him, carefully absorbing every word. He took a deep breath, preparing to give his speech — no, his confession.

"I lack the bravery to move forward, so I just keep watching," Itsuki began. "In the past, I hurt myself and others through careless actions. I reached out to help someone without thinking it through, and as a result, I crushed their hopes, destroyed a precious friendship, and scarred my heart."

As he said that, his gaze was directed at the skies as if he was recalling the days long gone. It was a confession of his crimes and admittance to his mistakes.

"Back then, I didn't know enough, didn't see enough, and didn't do enough. All because I lacked understanding. My worldview was shallow and immature, and that was because I didn't contemplate enough. So I started watching. And thinking. I was sure if I learned to see more and began to understand more, I would stop making the same mistakes." 

Itsuki continued his tale. Suddenly his pensive expression twisted in bitter regret.

"And I did. Yet nothing changed," Itsuki stated. "I thought and thought and thought. Again and again and again. Unlike in the past, I relied on logic instead of instinct or morals. I reached sensible conclusions, accepted them, and still felt that something was wrong. No matter how much I thought, that alone didn't change. Instead of standing still, I should have taken action... but I was too afraid of failure."

Itsuki's face kept twisting in pain. His regrets and sufferings were now laid bare in front of me.

"I thought that morals and goodwill weren't good enough, so I tried to supplement them with logical thought. But no matter how much I contemplated, no answers ever felt right!"

Itsuki's scream resounded bitterly. He could no longer contain his emotions behind a calm mask of rationalism.

"It was the same with this bet. Were you betraying yourself when you decided to get closer to Ishikawa and the others? They were from a practically different world from you. Your interests and values didn't match, growing closer to them returned you to the painful days you spent desperately trying to fit in, and the feeling of loss would undoubtedly catch up to you when the dust settled. I thought, contemplated, analyzed, and concluded countless times that this wasn't the right answer!"

There was desperation in his voice. It shook as his barrage of words continued, and I sensed a level of sincerity in him I'd never felt before.

"That wasn't the right answer..." Itsuki repeated weakly. "But then, what is the right answer?!"

He shouted that question. Those words weren't addressed to me but rather to the world itself. No matter how much your mind races in a frantic search for the correct conclusion, life never tells you what is the 'correct' answer. It might have been easier if there existed concrete, irrefutable conclusions to every problem in the world, but many questions simply didn't have objectively correct answers.

"Thoughts only get you so far! You can keep struggling internally, but until you make a step forward, nothing will change! But I couldn't do that!" Itsuki shouted. He was running out of breath, so he paused, taking air into his lungs.

"You weren't the only one plagued by the intense feeling of wrongness as we locked ourselves in a cage of comfort that we called genuine friendship! I also was! I doubted and doubted, and doubted, and doubted, but I couldn't do anything but that!"

Itsuki took a deep breath as if preparing for his loudest, most sincere words yet —

"But you could!" 

— an admission of respect.

"And I admired that to no end! No matter how much you were hurt, you managed to move forward. Wounds accumulated, hopes burned, and negative experiences piled up, but you never stopped!"

The admiration in Itsuki's voice stunned me. An emotion I couldn't define was boiling inside of me.

"I saw your struggles, but you never gave up! When I met you, you were in shambles. You were sitting alone, never interacting with anyone. But, sometimes, I would see you observe others, searching for another path to your dream, never truly giving up hope. That didn't change when we became friends. You thought I wouldn't notice, but I did! You bid your time and continued looking for another shot at reaching your goal."

Itsuki's words kept surprising me. I never realized just how much he knew about my hidden aspirations. I kept quiet about my dreams, but Itsuki still saw through me. But what shook me the most was the sheer respect for me present in his words.

"I admire you for moving forward! Because no matter how many mistakes we make along the way, no matter how much pain we experience, and no matter what difficulties we have to go through and how much we have to give up — there's meaning in finding answers through your own efforts!"

Itsuki's words pierced my consciousness, and tears started pouring from my eyes. 

I didn't know why, but I couldn't stop crying. Just why? I could list every possible answer to that question, but I felt none of them would fully describe what I was experiencing.

"Smartasses like me can keep pretentiously pouring over questions without solutions, and many will give up after getting burned once, giving up on searching. But, now, I no longer believe that the most important answers can be handed down on a silver platter!"

Itsuki kept his barrage of words. The intensity of his voice rose even further, and he reached his conclusion.

"It's not the right path if you haven't found it yourself!"

He screamed. His scream was so loud that it reached past my ears, all the way to my heart. And as his voice pierced through my chest...

...I finally found my answer. 

It was merely a solution to one of the many troubles I still had. It wasn't groundbreaking, and it certainly didn't mean my struggles were over. If anything, Itsuki's words marked the beginning of new challenges. Ones that wouldn't be over any time soon. And yet, I was ready for them.

"...Hah-hah..." 

Itsuki's frantic breathing was the only thing interrupting the silence. Exhausted by his impassioned speech, he desperately struggled to restore his breath. Then, still winded, Itsuki added.

"...That's... that's why don't give up on your dreams... Even if it's just a selfish request... eve—"

"I understand. You don't have to say anything else," I interrupted Itsuki, smiling. 

Tears were still sliding down my cheeks, but my expression was serene. Seeing that, he went silent and then lightly smiled back at me. It was so uncharacteristic of him that I burst out laughing.

"Hahahahahaha... What is that expression? That's nothing like you. Are you sure you weren't replaced by some amicable stranger? I wonder if that's how 'B' looked and sounded in the past..."

"Shut up, dumbass, you're the one who got replaced by some gloomy emo loser. Oh, woe is me, I'm exhausted by trying, let me just give up..." Itsuki said in an exaggeratedly pathetic voice.

We traded stupid banter and shared a laugh. The inconsequential nature of our conversation hit us, and a wave of relief washed over us. For now, the intense struggle for answers had ended, and a moment of peace came in its stead. Noticing the tension dissipating from the air, I began speaking, returning us to the topic of Ishikawa and the others.

"Still, it's easy to say I will keep searching for answers, but it's way harder to come up with an actual solution," I complained and heaved a sigh. "I basically ghosted them with a flimsy excuse. I wonder if they will forgive me..."

"There's nothing to forgive you for, dumbass," Itsuki replied, not forgetting to insult me while he was at it.

"Hey, how much do you have to call me that to be satisfied?" I asked, slightly annoyed.

"That's your permanent title now, dumbass. Deal with it."

Our banter continued as usual until Itsuki returned us to the topic.

"Anyway, as I was saying, you don't have an obligation to hang out with them or anything, so you don't have anything to apologize for either," he stated, refuting my words.

"...But that still doesn't change much. I'm sure if I try to hang out with them as if nothing happened, I will still get the same feeling of wrongness...," I replied hesitatingly.

"You can just figure it out one step at a time. Besides, are you sure nothing has changed?" Itsuki asked with a cooky smile on his face. In response, I tilted my head in confusion.

"Come with me — I have something to show you," Itsuki said as he began walking.

It was a relatively small establishment that served various European cuisine. I frequented this place with Itsuki, so I knew how fantastic their food was. My favorite was their carbonara.

I glanced at Itsuki, but he stayed on the side, indicating with his gaze that I should go first. Puzzled by his actions, I nevertheless opened the door.

""Happy Birthday!""

As I entered the cafe, cheers erupted, and confetti flew. Beyond the doorframe, I saw Ishikawa-san — no, Yamada-san and the others waiting for me. They smiled happily and waved their hands at me as if nothing had changed.

"Shosei, dude, what took you so long?!" Akira-san exclaimed.

"You shouldn't be late for your own birthday party, you know?" Fumiko-san, as always unexpectedly serious, lectured me.

"Hm. At least you're here now," Yukino-san added, looking away.

"Finally got out of your emo phase?" Mitsu-san teased. And finally —

"Welcome back, Shosei," Yamada-san said with a smile.

I was standing still, shocked. Suddenly, I felt an impact on my back. I looked behind only to find Itsuki pushing me toward the table, annoyed at my dwindling.

"Come on, dumbass. See? They've already brought carbonara out, so you should hurry. You don't want it to get cold, right?" he hurried me. And then, after a smile took over his face, he added.

"Besides, we have to hit up the arcade later, you know? You've already wasted too much time on pointless drama, and the day isn't infinite. So hurry up!"

As he finished his words, he gave me a final push. I smiled warmly in return and hurried to where everyone was.

And so, the celebration began in earnest.