E: The Night Before

The night is dark. Terrible. Long. It always is. In the mirror my reflection stares back at me.

She seems nervous. She wants my attention.

Yeah, yeah. Get over yourself. I can't be part of your staring contest every night.

I turn on the light.

Have my horns gotten bigger?

No.

Good. They’re trouble enough as it is.

I’ve been avoiding the mirror lately. I haven’t liked my reflection in a long time. But this… This is different. Something’s changed.

Something is worse.

This feeling…

It brings back memories. Memories I don’t want or need.

Anger is one thing.

I can handle her anger. Stomp it down. Squash it low. Push it deep into the pit of my being. Stand firm through the fire as she corrodes me from the inside.

Fear is something else entirely.

Cold and sickly. I shiver at its touch.

I splashed some water on my face. Readied for bed. Then shut off the light.

I had meant to tell Rin about it. I was going to tell her. Earlier today, when we’d left the school. That was going to be it. That was the time.

I’d seen it too.

12:12 AM. Then 12:22 AM. 

Same numbers. Same time. Same people. Different night.

I collapsed onto the bed Aunt Naka— the bed that Sensei had given me. She was excited to hear about our karaoke trip. About our movie night plans. About me having friends. She even offered to let us do the movie night here at her apartment.

She became our advisor. 

For me.

I think she did it for me. It’s strange. It feels strange to owe someone so much. They help even when you know you don’t deserve it. Is that what a good person is?

They choose to be kind.

Or maybe… maybe they just… are?

Kind.

Hmm.

…

Rin.

I don’t think I would have joined this club without her. It’s because of her that I didn’t dismiss the whole thing immediately. And now they’re my friends. She accepted Aya’s apology and decided to start fresh. She clearly felt uncomfortable confronting Aki's assumptions about albinism, but held no ill will afterwards. She likes me.

Angry, irritable, me.

Evi.

A horned devil.

A monster.

One of the first things I did was yell at her.

Nothing but fake confidence and bluster.

She’s so nervous, so often. So scared. And yet is all smiles when we talk.

I’m not sure she’s even noticed. 

Rin said that kindness is a choice.

Is that a choice she’s been making?

My thoughts returned to the end of the school day. I was going to tell her. To let her know that I was worried too. That something was going on.

That she wasn’t alone.

The moment replayed in my mind once again.

“When you messaged me that night…”

“Yeah? What is it Evi?” Her bright blue eyes glimmered under the mild afternoon sun.

Innocent. Good.

“Nothing. I just. I really appreciated it.”

“O-oh. Thanks,” she blushed. There was an optimism to her. A lightness beyond any obvious jokes about her appearance. Beneath her shy exterior there lived a true belief in the possibility that things could be good.

Rin never called me a devil. Never even asked.

She asked if I was magic. Didn’t assume either. Just a real, genuine question about magic in the universe. I asked if she was stupid.

She didn’t need me to complicate things. To ruin this for her.

So I didn’t.

“I’m looking forward to tomorrow.”

“Yeah! Me too.”

Her smile tore at my heart.

“See you later.”

“B-bye!”

That’s right. Nothing is wrong. She already worries so much, why bother her with something that I imagined? I didn’t notice anything on the train. And on Monday night I was tired. Spooked. Her story got all tied up in my head. There's no way it was real. 

Nothing’s happened since then, so everything is fine. Obviously. It has to be.

Oh great, now you’re blaming her.

No. Of course not.

This is my fault.

Like everything else.

No. Why would this be my fault?

Because it always is.

No. This is no one’s fault because there’s nothing happening. Nothing is wrong. Everything is fine. Everything is fine.

Tomorrow, we’re going to karaoke. We’ll all have fun. Then we’ll ride the train home and nothing will happen.

I realized how tightly my fists had clenched around the clumped up bedspread.

I let go.

I shut my eyes. Then wiped a hand over my face.

A dim pulse of light revealed itself through my eyelids.

It was my phone.

Rin? No, she’s been careful not to message late at night.

Maybe Aya or Aki? Going over plans or spouting off about monsters?

It’s definitely not my parents.

Might as well give up the guessing game. Let’s go take a look.

…

Oh.

It’s her.

Tsu.

…

Ignore.

I settle back into bed. 

I don’t need memories. I don’t need the past.

I need sleep.

It’s a big day tomorrow.