I am a human.

The time to leave was nearing. We ate, then put on our suits. I tried to give Yuki the gun back, be she refused to take it, saying that there was no point in juggling it between us, and that I should just return it to her when Compor will be in our sight. She had a point. Having attached the bags with scrap and full water containers to our suits, we set off. I thought to myself that the training with javelins won’t be utilized in this trip. And then I got scared because that was great way of jinxing it. Although I did have a gun on me, so anyone attacking us would have a really hard time beating us three.

By this point I was completely used to travelling, both at night and in the morning. I remembered the way to Compor from the “NTWEF”, and even to Nurin. Although Hans saved me by remembering about my air supply, something which I should have remembered myself. This trip, I spent the time clearing my mind of thoughts and focusing on running. It was surprisingly relaxing. When we arrived at Compor’s doors, I felt excited to talk with Hiro, and even motivated to train. I handed Yuki my revolver in its holster. Judging by the amount of light outside, it was around 3 am. Hans knocked at the doors and after a delay, pressed the button to pressurize the exit chamber, which didn’t happen. The process was blocked. This meant that someone happened to be in it and not ready for the lower pressures, which had to be extremely rare. Or something was horribly wrong. Which too was very rare… Either way, we got cautious, and ready to use our weapons, waited in anxiety. At least I did. After what felt like five minutes, Hans pressed the button again. It worked, which relieved us greatly. As this meant whoever stopped us the first time wasn’t bent on hunkering down inside until we left. We entered the exit chamber. The only thing that was different were the weapons lying on the floor: two sets of javelins and halberds. We started pressurization.

The doors opened, and we saw several people in suits, marked green. I had no idea what that meant. Behind them stood Gareth and the elder.

‘Hello? Why are travellers from Noch here?’ asked Hans, looking at Gareth.

‘We came to warn Nurin of the recent surge of activity of the Crimson Vanguard in this area. And we asked whether anyone knew why. We were told that it could be due to the recent discovery of a water extraction station. However, in our opinion, there is more to it. That was all.’ said a tall man in a suit with green marks, who had a mechanic forearm, which much like Hans’s leg wasn’t covered by the suit. ‘We were about to leave, so if you’ll excuse us…’

We let them through and came up to Gareth. Hans, having seemingly forgotten about the unlikely encounter was visibly excited to tell about what we brought back.

‘The deal went great! I mean, just look, mate.’ He held out a bag of scrap. ’And we also brought quite a bit of water back!’

‘That’s good. Really. But we’re a bit shook up by what we were told by those Noch people. After all, Noch is so big they have recon teams. You probably shouldn’t travel for a while Hans.’

‘Considering Indra has fought Vanguards twice in the past two weeks, their story seems truthful.’ Said Yuki. Meanwhile the elder turned to me.

‘The Crimson Vanguards have done many tremendous war crimes, such as the destruction of Pollo, and have considerably reduced the amount of humans that do and can reside on Mars. That is why we are afraid of them Indra. That is also why we have to warn Nurin. Noch’s people are going in a different direction, a settlement much closer, which is why they can leave at such a time. So the last job you need to do to prove yourself, is to go to Nurin. In fifteen hours.’

‘What? He just came back, from tens of hours of travel.’ Said Yuki

‘We know. But as a matter of fact, traveling right now is riskier than ever. That is why we don’t want to risk the lives of many. And why this is the perfect job for him to prove himself. Although I think he should bring the gun with him. That way, even if he gets attacked on the way, he’ll have a chance.’ explained Gareth.

‘I feel like that’s asking too much of him.’ said Hans. All of them looked at me – it was time to decide whether I was up for it.

‘That will be challenging, but I am willing to do this.’ Gareth smiled when I said that.

‘Good choice, as ever. Since you’ll be going there anyway, we also want you to buy some herbs and foods that are grown there. It is a bit earlier than usual, but they should be ready. Rest up as much as you can, going directly there takes twelve hours. In the pace of Hans at least.’

At that, the conversation was over. I wanted to take the suit off, but Yuki brought a brush and stopped me. It took a while to clean the suits off. I did it for her, and she did it for me. Mostly. I was being hasty as I really wanted to talk to them about the Vanguard threat. In half an hour we met up in the cafeteria, Hiro joined us. And she was immediately told about my next mission.

‘You should have declined. If it is so bad that Noch’s people come out of their way to warn us… You probably will stumble upon Crimson Vanguards on your way there, or back.’ said Hiro.

‘I just want to become one of you as fast as possible, because not being tied officially to any faction makes me feel less of a human, and besides, if I declined, who would warn Nurin? When would I have the chance to finish this trial of mine?

‘You’re taking a risk too great. And besides you pretty much one of us by now.’

‘At least, Gareth said that it is fine if he takes his gun with him.’ said Hans.

‘Please let’s move on, I am much more interested in what could possibly be the cause of such fuss for the Vanguards.’ said Yuki, and I couldn’t agree more.

‘We don’t know anything else besides the place where Indra woke up, and that five Crimson Vanguards were killed there. Mostly by him.’ So Hiro did remember that one of the corpses was that of a person unrelated.

‘But that doesn’t seem like a big enough of a reason. It has to be something exceptionally important, not some forgotten water station.’ Said Yuki.

‘In my mind there is nothing worth that effort left on Mars unattended. Maybe they just want to exert influence over us to make us surrender to them. They could use a friendly settlement here.’ Said Hans.

‘We could guess like this forever…’ said Hiro.

The conversation slowly fizzled out, probably because three out of the four of us were very tired. But not sleepy, as it was too early for that. We decided that playing some chill games and listening to music together was the best choice in our situation. And we did that for a few hours. Afterwards I went and refilled my air tanks, and the spare one. It still was early in the morning. I went back to the recreation room, but out of the people that I knew, only Kevin was there. He was playing chess with some young lad. I joined them, although I could only spectate, and we talked. I refrained from mentioning that I would be travelling to Nurin in the evening. I distinctly felt that Kevin was ready to trust me. I also learned that the guy he was playing with, was his younger brother, Steve. Later, Kevin pulled out a flute, which he played masterfully. It was a learning experience for me. I had completely forgotten the significance of music in human culture. But he made me remember. I spent a few more hours going around and trying to get to know people. Although it was a bit awkward here and there. Eventually I went back to my room. To my surprise, it was cleaned. Properly. I was very happy to see that. And that made me fall asleep quicker.

***

Loud slow knocking waked me up. I tried to shake the sleepiness away and opened the door. It was Gareth.

‘It’s time for you to get ready. Go eat first, then we’ll go over the details, okay?’

‘Oh, yes, thank you.’

I was feeling good. It was about time I got proper sleep, and it felt great. The food tasted as great, I packed my things, took a shower, and was ready to set out. Gareth met me at the door. He reminded me of the specifics of what I had to say. Where the Vanguards were spotted, how many, et cetera. I had to memorize everything. In addition to that, I had to buy some herbs, I was given the scrap for that. Gareth explained to me how to understand in which direction I needed to go, to get to Nurin. After all, it was my first time, going straight to it. He told me to notify their envoy there that I would be joining the settlement, and to give him an item, that only Gareth could have. It was a neat wood insignia, with a four leafed plant depicted on it. Maybe it was a flower. It could have been a weed for all I knew. After that, he handed me my holster with the revolver in it, and wished me good luck. I asked him whether it would be okay, if I did not drop the gun at Nurin’s entrance, as we did with other weapons. Gareth said that it should be fine to do that, but still I would be better off hiding it in my bags. Besides the gun, I took two quivers of javelins.

It has been a while since I travelled alone. It felt weird, slightly off maybe. Also there was still some light outside, something I had avoided for a long time, so it quickly got hot. I had a long road ahead, so I did not take the time to appreciate the surroundings, although I was in the mood to. Well, I still got a shaky view of what lied before me as I ran. This trip would also show me whether I was capable of running for 12 hours straight, maybe with small breaks of fast walking to drink water.

My mind was clear. My mood was impeccable, even remembering that I would have to spend 12 hours in the entranceway of the Nurin settlement. I stayed positive, knowing that I would sleep through the most of it anyway, and after returning back to Compor I would have a few days to rest. I could even ask for a different job than travelling around. Because even with how much I done it, I did not enjoy the many hours of a tiny valve opening and closing and muffled footsteps in an otherwise complete silence.

In the midst of time I had to think about my life, for the first time in a positive, forward facing way. I was honest with myself. With my feelings. I was confident that I was in love with Hiro. I was too scared to tell it to her the last time, but now… As one of them, I could take a shot at it. Although I would, most definitely, not do it immediately after I return. That would make it extra awkward if she didn’t feel the same way about me, and I would have more time to gauge that. After all, I knew her for barely a week, and this could be but a fleeting infatuation that I inflated in my mind, to have something to be excited for. And yet I was confident, that my thoughts wouldn’t change. For a moment I snapped out of it and thought how naïve I was being, but then I snuffed that thought out, as it didn’t hurt to think naïvely for once.

My thoughts wandered off to a land far beyond reality by the point I saw a familiar crater come into view. My endurance held. Physical exertion kept me warm through the night. I had completed the entire way, without stopping, just sipping on some water. I took out a javelin and knocked on the door with its blunt side. Replicating the pattern that I had heard so many times, in the performance of my friends. I depressurized the chamber and opened the doors. Once inside, I dropped the quivers and put my holster deep inside my bag. I opened the doors, and a different guard, with the same gun was pointing it my way.

‘Greetings! Please call for the Compor’s envoy, and also one of the Leaders.’ The Leaders were essentially the government of Nurin, or rather the closest thing to it.

‘Glenn!’ the guard shouted. Apparently, Glenn was still on duty, as he soon came running in. The guard relayed my request to him, and there was no problem with it. Relatively soon came in the envoy. He looked tired. I had no idea whether it was because he just got up, or was about to fall asleep, as I got to know from Hans, when your entire life is in artificial lighting, with which you can choose the sleep cycles, schedules often don’t align well. I gave him the insignia, which he immediately recognized. I told him that after returning I was promised that I would be taken in by Compor, so he had to remember my face and name. He took a while looking at me, from different angles, and asked what kind of prostheses I had, if any. Apparently that was an important detail. After I told him, he double-checked that I wasn’t lying, as I was still in the suit and it wasn’t clear. It didn’t take long for Glenn to come with someone else. That was a Leader.

‘Calling a Leader out of the blue is a weird thing to do, I must say. Has something happened back in Compor, or what?’ he was old.

‘Travelers from Noch came to Compor, to warn us about the Crimson Vanguards getting active in the area. The reason is unclear. There were units spotted near…’ and then I went into details, that Gareth told me before I left. It was somewhat difficult to remember location names that I have never heard before, but it seemed like I got everything right. At the very least the Leader did not correct me, and the amount of information I gave was similar to what I remembered being told to me. The Leader thanked me and told Glenn to find me a room. This made me very happy, since I was getting ready to spend hours in the entrance again, but it seemed that I was moving up in the world.

The room was nothing special, but it would make sleeping much more comfortable. I even thought jokingly to myself, that I could cry in peace here. I spent the hours I had before I felt sleepy going around Nurin. This place was insane. There were huge rooms, with trees, even if they were enclosed in interconnected transparent bubbles. I went to the cafeteria and ate a lot. Food here was greatly different to what I ate back in Compor. Although they were reluctant about feeding me, and I had to promise that I would defecate before I left Nurin. At first I did not take the bizarre request seriously, but then I understood that the compounds inside my stool, would be broken down and used to make more food. If many travellers were to here eat and leave, the settlement would eventually get a famine. Trusting my body, mostly by how it worked for the past week, I accepted. This place was interesting. And yet I had much more interesting things to do back in Compor. Because I was physically exhausted, I had fallen asleep quickly. I went to the toilet, munched on what I had brought with me from Compor, bought the herbs I was told to get, notified everyone that needed to be notified, and set out.

My mood was good. Good enough, in fact, that I was able to clear my mind of thoughts and meditate while on my way. This made me feel the time pass quicker. Much, much quicker. Maybe that also had to do with the huge excitement I felt about getting back. I realized that from the amount of light changing in my surroundings from somewhat light to utter darkness to a level of light that was sufficient to see well. I had gotten far. And then I saw two figures. They had red marks on them. The Vanguards were going perpendicular to me. They started charging. I stood there until they were close enough that I could be confident in my abilities to deal with them. I took out my revolver, and shot twice. There was no need to shoot the third time. The fight was over. I waited, so that they would die of asphyxiation and wouldn’t be able of throwing their weapons at me like that one Vanguard I have fought with Hiro and Kevin. The shots were to the abdomen and chest, parts which couldn’t be cut off with a tourniquet. But one of them still tried. I waited for him to end his final struggle. Then I quickly searched the bodies, and picked up their bags. The bullet holes oozed boiling blood. I could drag one body with me, but I would be much slower, so the sun would be up by the time I reached Compor, and there were two bodies anyway, so I could just ask someone else to bring them in, while they were fresh.

Cannibalism still felt weird, but I had accepted that. As I had accepted that I could get my memories back at any moment. My mood was good. At first, a scary thought, after all, I had just killed two people. But then I thought that it was pointless to waste my time and energy crying over things that I couldn’t change. Once they started charging at me, it was me or them. It is just the reality of this world that I had to accept. The inevitability of conflict, and what comes in its wake. The price to pay, to be a human. And if I learnt anything, after I woke up alone, with no memories, that was that I desperately wanted to be just a human, in my own eyes. And not a mindless monster, who accidentally gained a conscience.

Eventually, the ground was lit up again. It got hot. Right before Compor got in view. The settlement with many interconnected domes, that would be able to call home. I got closer, and I noticed something was off. I saw well over a dozen white figures outside the settlement. They weren’t moving. They were lying on ground. When I came close up, I understood what that was. I even figured out what happened. I just couldn’t believe it. The doors of the exit chamber were taken down, the internal ones too. Before me lay the lifeless bodies of everyone I had seen a day prior. I walked amidst them. A blue drawing caught my eye. A flower. The name of which I didn’t know, and probably would never know. That was the mark of Yuki’s suit.

My legs suddenly weren’t strong enough to hold me. A dozen hours of running was nothing compared to what I was experiencing. Everything felt still. And yet I was gasping for air. Her suit had a bullet hole. It couldn’t be anything else. I realized that there were barely any corpses with red marks. They didn’t even suffer significant casualties.

My confidence, that I bathed in a minute ago, was shattered. If this is what I had to live with, to be a human in this world… Then I choose not to. I hastily raised my revolver up to my sack-helmet, and pressed the trigger.