I am a monster.

‘So… I’ll have to stay in this room for about ten hours… On a chair?’

‘Yes. Although, when you tell us that you want to sleep you will be brought a futon. And, of course, feel free to stand up and walk around.’ the guard laughed as he said the last part. I was in a glorified prison. I really wanted to ask what was so funny about this, but I was in no position to do that. Aggravating him would do me no good.

‘What about a toilet and a shower?’ he frowned as I said that.

‘No showering. As for going to the toilet, it will have to be supervised.’ I was baffled by how strict it was.

‘Why?’

‘Because someone as unknown as you could add poison to the water, which our limited water processing plants wouldn’t be able to deal with. It has happened before on Mars. And to be honest, it surprises me that you did not know that.’ and yet, no such precautions were done at Compor. Maybe that is due to the difference in scale.

‘I have amnesia. Have no idea who I was, and have lost most knowledge about this world. The best course of action I could figure out was to join Compor.’ he frowned hearing my explanation.

‘That is one of the most suspicious stories I have ever heard. Do people at Compor trust you regardless?’

‘Of course not, but the full story is a bit longer, and they confirmed it. Also, I have been unlucky enough, to encounter Crimson Vanguards in the few days that I have lived after waking up. I’ve killed two, fighting beside people from Compor. That is why they have some faith in me.’

‘Well, that is all fine and dandy, but the regulations are in place for a reason. Although the smaller settlements often do not or cannot use them. Still, you will have to endure the full extent of those here.’

‘Fine by me. But I do need to take a shit, so…’

‘Ugh. Russel! Fuck. Glenn!’

A man came and was asked to get me to a toilet. What followed was humiliating to say the least. Outright painful. And yet, that too has passed. I still had many hours left to spend here.

‘What about food and water?’

‘Don’t you have it on you? Did you really travel without any?’

‘No, it’s just… If I am to travel back with any, I would need some.’

‘Then ask your buddies to get you some, when they return.’

I had no more important questions to ask. In the next hours, I tried to start some conversations with the guard, but they didn’t really go anywhere. I still had no idea if there were prison cells on Mars, but I got the original experience anyway. Which entailed having plenty of time to brood over what I had done with my life. Even if I was recommended not to, it’s just… there was nothing else to do. I tried to picture dozens of people in space suits before me. One with simple clothes. I realized I had failed to mention her to Hans and Yuki. Come to think of it I could have mislead Hiro and Kevin, because I hadn’t gone into any detail about her. After all, if I killed even a single innocent person it changed a lot. Maybe they have just missed that moment. I am a monster, aren’t I?

In a few days, or months, it doesn’t matter, my fate will be sealed. Either I will go back to being the person, who killed so many people he ran out of bullets, or I will be stuck being an anxious wreck looking for answers. Neither were satisfactory. I wanted to avert both. But if I were to make the guard shoot me, I would make tons of problems for Hans and Yuki. My friends. At least that was how I felt about them. Even though I met them a few days ago, I wouldn’t want to hurt them in any way.

It was clear. The more people I loved, the less likely it was that I would have the gull to inadvertently hurt them by killing myself. Of course, friends also make life more fun. And yet it is still so exhausting. I ate and asked for a futon early. My request was fulfilled. The comfort of the matrass made it easier to delve deep into apathy.

I felt horrible. Hours passed, or so I assumed, as this room had no clock. How pathetic I felt without those two, was laughable. How did I even survive before I stumbled upon Hiro and Kevin? Well, being stuck here, without anything to do, it is understandable that bad thoughts would flourish. The guard was there the entire time, and it seemed that he would be there until the very end. Did he really start his shift right before we came? The time was slightly weird for that, but not impracticable for that. I caught myself on several down spiralling thought loops. It felt as though I needed those, because how would I ever have enough happy or neutral ones to fill the void in my mind created by solitude. I felt the need to cry. Despite how bad I felt before, this was the first time in my memory, that I, a grown up man, felt the urge to cry. I could not, as the guard would most definitely hear me. If not immediately, then when my nose clogs up in my cry’s wake. And yet I had to.

I cried silently. Carefully controlling how I breathed, even if it meant holding my breath for as long as I could, without gasping for air afterwards. I did it. I couldn’t be too sure that the guard, who has watched me intently before, didn’t notice. But at least he didn’t say anything, which gave me hope that I was discreet enough. Still, I did not feel better. In inconspicuous movements I wiped the tears, adjusting the pillow. If my sense of time wasn’t skewed beyond belief, the redness of my eyes would fade before Hans and Yuki returned. As it was long since I realized that they probably had finalized the deal, and were focused on something else, maybe even resting, in comfort. Everything went according to plan. Hours passed, and I even fell asleep.

‘Wakey wakey little boy.’ The most tender and soft voice of a male said to me, all while I felt a sensation suspiciously similar to being prodded by a boot. I looked up. It was Hans. ‘Rise and shine sweetheart.’

‘What’s up with the tone? The last time you woke me up it was much more masculine. Something horrible happened to you in there?’ I said.

‘Oh come on, does a man need to have his balls cut off to be nice for once? You know, Yuki was worried about you.’

‘And for good reason, he was essentially imprisoned for a day. Isn’t that right?’ said Yuki as I got up. ‘We got you some food. If you’re ready, we can leave immediately. The deal was a success. They were happy to buy our water. Although now we need to carry some scrap back. Part of which you will be carrying, so good luck.’

‘It really isn’t that much.’ said Hans.

‘Are we going straight for Compor?’

‘No.’ I guessed that Yuki did not go into further detail because the guard behind us could hear everything.

‘Then let’s talk about all of this when we get to our first stop. There is much that I want to know about now.’

‘Sure.’

And just like that, we set off. I bid the guard farewell, to which he replied with the slightest bow. After ten hours of prison, albeit most of them I spent sleeping, I had about as many hours of a different taste of solitude. Well at least now, if I wanted to cry, I could, because there was no way in hell for the others to find out. Although doing that while running would be challenging, and I didn’t feel like it now. How annoying.

The trip back to the water dome wasn’t as bad as the entranceway imprisonment. Mostly because I had to run, which took some concentration, which distracted me from bad thoughts. Also, I knew that two people beside me were having a similar experience. Unlik- Now that I thought about it, the guard too, was essentially imprisoned there. But without a futon, and sleep. My heart pained for him.

***

We arrived at my dome. We had repeated the same cautionary procedure after Yuki gave me the gun. There was no ambush once again. After taking care of our bodily needs, I took the time to double check that I had not missed the name of this place. I did. But it wasn’t exactly meaningful. “Noachis Terra Water Extraction Facility” or NTWEF for short. Noachis Terra is a huge area, so this name was uninspired, to say the least. At least now I could stop thinking of this place as mine. Because it wasn’t to begin with.

It was way too early for us to sleep, and we wouldn’t even try to force ourselves this time. Hans got the idea of bringing some water back with us. We weren’t explicitly told to, but he supposed that it was because they weren’t sure that this place had enough anyway. Most of the containers were given back to us empty, so there would be no difficulty of doing that. Except, of course, hauling it all the way back, would be tiring nonetheless. Hans was filling up the containers, and only one person could do it at a time, so me and Yuki had to find something different to do.

‘Indra, about the corpses there… I presume you didn’t take the suits off them?’ asked Yuki.

‘Yes…’

‘As nauseating as it will be, you should have practice of taking off the suits from dead bodies. Let’s go do that. I’ll help you.’ Yuki was not about to do that alone, that much was obvious.

‘The corpses are so rotten by now… Is there really any value in suits that tainted by deathly fluids?’

‘There is. Not to mention, the body would decompose much differently and more slowly in the near-vacuum of Mars. It will be disgusting, but you won’t smell anything anyway, because of the suits. At least before coming back inside…’

‘You’re not doing a great job selling it, but so be it. I have to prove myself after all.’

‘I should have thought to use that in my persuasion.’

‘You really should have.’

We got into our suits and left the dome. I brought my holster with the revolver with me. Just in case. So many days have passed since I dragged the thing out there. I was scared to look at the consequences of my actions. Even if they barely felt as mine, the same goes for anything that you do not remember after all.

The bag wasn’t sealed completely shut. I had forgotten that I had done that. But I thanked myself anyway. For the sight could have been even worse if not for that. The boiled blood, slowly turning to dust. Entrails and eyes, enlarged and torn lying around. I felt sick again. It truly has been a while. I wondered if Yuki had gotten used to such sights. Probably not, as I saw her tremble and move weirdly, even with the suit. She slowly reached for the latches, some of which she had to practically dig out. Some of them required a lot of strength to open, or at least it looked like that, maybe all of them did. Then she pulled the suit off. She did it with great difficulty, and made a mess in the process. Some entrails fell outside the bag, the integrity of the flesh was so weak by this point that it tore apart easily. The sun would turn the thing to dust in days, or maybe weeks either way, so we did not bother with putting it back inside. After Yuki was done with the first corpse, with me helping her near the end, we went on to the second, with me doing the majority of the work. The third one had no suit. Which I remembered. We tried to wipe off as much as we could, but Yuki told me in signs that using the Martian sand for that would be bad. I assumed that it was due to its toxicity, and we would bring a lot inside if we did that. After our vain efforts of cleaning the suits, we went inside. I used the handle of the revolver to knock on the door, in case Kevin was there without a suit. At least we did a good enough job to not leave any red marks on the door buttons.

The room pressurized and both of us took our sack-helmets off.

‘A corpse without a suit? Indra, who was that?’ oh no.

‘A person that I forgot to go into detail about. Only two of the three I killed here were of the Crimson guard. For all I know, the girl was innocent. She was stuck here without a working suit. And it drives me crazy that I have no memory to know what could possibly be the reason that I had to get rid of her. To kill an innocent person. I feel like a monster every time I remember that.’ there was a part of me that hoped that she would say that I wasn’t one.

‘Well… I don’t know what to say… Forget it, at least we got two suits from those fuckers.’ And yet she didn’t. I was wavering whether to ask her to keep that a secret from Hans. I decided not to.

‘What do we do with the flesh juices on our suits? And those ones too?’

‘Nothing. Using water to clean it off would only clog the filters for no good reason. Or even worse – contaminate the water reserves. Back at Compor we can clean them off with brushes outside. We just have to hope that with all this red we won’t be mistaken for Vanguards.’ A terrifying thought. Death by friendly fire.

The suits stank. Horribly. Both the corpses’ and ours. We put the spoils into our bags, and helped Hans with the water containers. I finally remembered to change the daily cycle lighting using the computer. I felt like a complete idiot because I haven’t done that before, despite spending many days here. Every time I thought of that only when I was ready to fall asleep and couldn’t be bothered to fix it. We couldn’t think of any meaningful work left to do here, so we sat down and started talking about Nurin.

‘To be honest, it felt like a prison. I know that the regulations are in place for a reason, and probably were written in blood, and despite all of that I think there could have been better conditions there.’ to which Hans promptly replied:

‘It’s because such visits as yours are very rare. Inside every big settlement, there are envoys of every other one close by. Their job is to remember faces of everyone belonging to their faction. Only some of them have devices to make that easier. And if unknown people, say traders, came by, they would too, spend their time in the very same entrance. And the business would be conducted there. That way they could buy food, water, and refresh their air supply. By the way… Now that I think of it, you didn’t refresh yours at Nurin, didn’t you?’

‘Oh no. Good thing that you remembered that now. Before it was too late. Which would be very soon.’ said Yuki as she frowned.

‘Do we not have spares?’

‘One, which we will swap with of one of yours before setting out. Doing that outside is about as pleasurable as putting on a tourniquet over a whistling hole in the suit.’ said Hans.

‘Forgive us for not spending some time with you there. Our bad. We just have never experienced that to understand how bad it is.’ said Yuki.

‘It’s fine. I would be lying if I said that it didn’t feel like I deserved it.’

‘As selfish as it is, you gotta learn to go easy on yourself when it matters, mate.’ said Hans.

‘What did you do there in all that time?’

And then I was told in detail, since we had the time, how they struck the deal, how they went around amused by the size of some of the domes. I also asked for clarification on some things. To their knowledge all big settlements have only one working exit, in lieu of having many. It was for safety. Which was also why they were usually guarded with firearms. Although, not even every big colony has a single gun. Also I asked whether there were prisons. Apparently there could be some cells in the bigger settlements, but in the smaller there wasn’t. Which meant that confronting crimes had to be done differently. Often much more strictly. We talked some more, and then Hans swapped my air tank for the spare one, bickering about the smell and stickiness of my suit in the process. Soon, we went to sleep. But still, two at a time. Which really reduced the quality of it.