Chapter 3:

Knock Knock. Who’s There? Weeaboo.

Isekai? I Hardly Know Her! Take My Waifu From Another World, Please!

Knock Knock. Who’s There? Weeaboo.

Figuring that the duke would have an escape plan, Denny rushed down stairs, only to find that the Duke was suiting up for battle.

“Whoa, whoa,” Denny said, “you’re going to war for me? I’m not worth it.”

“Brenlet may be a small domain,” the duke said, fixing Denny with a gaze, “but it’s my domain. Its lands are my lands, its people my people. This is about more than just you. Now stay here and hide. They won’t burn the city if there’s a risk you’ll burn with it. The townsfolk know this, but some of them may try to trade you for their own lives.”

“There’s gotta be a better way,” Denny insisted.

“Don’t blame yourself,” the duke told him. “Before you arrived, my days were numbered. The last isekai bards appeared on the other side of the kingdom. Since then, the centers of power and culture shifted away from Brenlet until I was the only noble left. I had no marriage prospects. You’ve given me hope. I need merely fight for it.”

It didn’t feel right to Denny, but he wasn’t sure why, so he could only watch in silence as the duke marched out to rally the peasant conscripts. He stood in the empty room for several minutes before it hit him. At their core, isekai were wish fulfillment power fantasies. He wasn’t supposed to be hiding while things happened out of his control. He needed to take charge!

By the time he reached the battlefield, the two sides were sizing each other up. The invading army was larger, and while it was led by professional soldiers, the bulk were obviously conscripts. They were looking around nervously, unsure whether they wanted to risk their lives in this battle.

“I told you to hide,” Duke Brenlet growled as Denny casually walked up to him.

“Hide?” Denny shouted loud enough for both armies to hear him. “Like a cowardly Asuka lover?” Snickers broke out amongst both armies.

“What are you doing?” the duke hissed.

“Yeah, you tell ‘im, Duke!” one of the conscripts behind them shouted.

“He’s right though,” another conscript said. “Asuka’s a dirty—”

“Shut your mouth,” the first conscript said, “or I’ll shut it for you.”

Similar fights were springing up in the opposing army. A couple of professional soldiers had even got caught up in the brawl. It was just shouting and fistfights. They weren’t using their weapons on each other.

“Guys, guys, guys,” Denny yelled, just loud enough to be heard over the din. “You’re better than this, calm down. It’s not worth fighting over.”

“The relative merits of Lady Asuka and Lady Rei are the subject of much debate in this world,” the duke explained. “You lit a fire in their blood that will not be easily extinguished.”

“Yeah, I know,” Denny replied, again as loudly as he could. “It’s a touchy subject in my world too, but we don’t punch each other out over it. You know why?” He paused for dramatic effect, making sure both armies were concentrated on him. They had paused their scuffles, eager for new information on this important philosophical debate. “Because we’re not a bunch of dirty Rei Ayanami fans!”

Fighting broke out anew, rowdier than before. One of the professional soldiers sighed, realizing that he had no chance of restoring discipline, and walked slowly towards Denny and the duke. He lifted his hands into the air, signaling his peaceful intentions, and the duke allowed him to approach.

“That was a dirty trick,” the soldier complained, “but it looks like your men fared no better. What say we settle this with a duel, Duke Brenlet?”

The duke’s face lit up. Denny had managed to even the odds, but Denny stepped between them.

“Is this really necessary?” Denny asked. “Let’s talk things over first.”

“I got orders from Duke Rufshire to bring you back with me,” the soldier said, “and it doesn’t look like Duke Brenlet is ready to let you go. I never expected you to take the field personally, m’lord.”

“Rufshire is the duchy just south of here,” Duke Brenlet explained. “Their circumstances are almost as dire.”

“All the more reason to work together on this,” Denny said. “If you’re both weak, you should band together for protection.”

“He has a point,” the soldier admitted.

“There’s too much historical bad blood between our domains,” Duke Brenlet countered.

“Come on,” Denny laughed. “Haven’t you learned anything from my world’s stories? Yesterday’s enemy…”

“Is today’s friend,” the duke and the soldier said in unison.

“That’s more like it,” Denny exclaimed. “How about we celebrate with some stand-up comedy while the boys cool off?”

The trio made their way to a nearby hill, which Denny used as a stage. A few others joined them shortly. As the conscripts became exhausted from fighting, they too hobbled over and sat at the base of the hill, listening to Denny with rapt attention.

“You know, I met Goku once,” Denny said, his eyes sweeping across the crowd.

“Goku’s not real,” one of the soldiers shouted.

“Whoa,” Denny said, staggering back as if surprised. “A fictional character ain’t real? I had no idea. It’s a joke, numbskull. You wanna tell it, or you gonna let me? Anyway, I met Goku once. Real nice guy. Real nice guy. Shorter than you’d expect too, but don’t tell him I said that. Only problem was, he talked real fast for some reason. It was hard to understand what he was saiyan.”

It took a moment for the audience to get it, but once they did, laughter erupted from the crowd. Denny looked on in awe as men who were hoarse from shouting and bruised all over fell backwards, howling with laughter.These people adored him. They hung on his every word. Never had he felt so powerful in his life. He had finally made it big.

Little did he know the problems that would cause.