Why Did the Bishounen Cross the Road?

“Hand check!” Denny enthusiastically yelled. The young men in the audience giggled and raised their hands into the air.

It had been nearly three years since the Eastern duchies had banded together to keep Denny within their borders. It had taken a while, but nobles and yeomen were finally migrating back from the west. Despite drawing larger audiences, standup comedy wasn’t paying the bills, but when had it ever? Making a living from standup alone was just too unrealistic, even for a fantasy world.

Denny had also learned that he wouldn’t be able to accrue a fortune just by retelling anime stories. He only knew so many, and whenever he sold a new one, it would be transcribed and spread throughout the kingdom.

Thus, he made most of his money by giving private performances of material that could not be openly distributed. That is to say, young noble men would pay high sums for private, or in this case, semi-private, narrations of erotic anime. It made Denny feel dirty, but he quickly got used to it. It was better than starving on the cold streets.

“This lady, she’s half human, half hyena,” Denny said. “Wait, you got hyenas in this world? OK, good. So she’s half hyena, and the thing you gotta know about female hyenas is…” As he related the story, which he had titled The Exploits of the Magical Brothel Critics, he could tell his audience wasn’t into Elza. Most of them were visibly uncomfortable, while a few wore neutral or puzzled expressions. The Earl of Somsberg seemed really into it though. He was going to need another hand check soon.

Just as Denny was hurrying the story along to something more palatable, there was a knock at the door. A few seconds later, a servant poked his head into the room.

“Urgent news, m’lords,” he said. “The king approaches.”

“The king is coming here?!” one of the nobles exclaimed.

“Messenger just sent word,” the servant confirmed. “He shall arrive before evening.”

This was what they had been waiting for. The king had been slowly traveling east, seemingly curious about the new isekai bard, but he had stopped at his main castle, near the center of the kingdom, and hadn’t moved for months. It had turned into a game of chicken. Would the king visit the Eastern duchies, or would they send an envoy to him? But now they had won, and Denny was so excited he wanted to fist-pump in celebration, but that would give away too much, so he settled for secretly fist pumping in his heart.

“We must get ready at once,” a noble announced. “Let us continue this another time.”

There were nods and murmurs of agreement, after which the nobles all stood and left the room. The last one out was the Earl of Somsberg, who pressed a few coins into Denny’s hands.

“Do tell me more about this Lady Elza some time,” he said, a wide grin on his face.

⁂

It was a few days until the king summoned Denny. Despite giving in, he did not want to appear too eager. In the meantime, Denny peddled his standup routine in the side rooms. It was there he met another isekai bard, Morton, who had traveled with the king. He was an older man, with thinning gray hair.

“You know, you’re the first one I met since I got here,” Denny said. “The first person from Earth, I mean.”

“There aren’t many of us,” Morton sighed. “Besides you and I, there’s only two others who still live, at least, I hope they do.”

“Still live? You mean—”

“This is a harsh world,” Morton said. “If I hadn’t developed my skills as a storyteller, the king would have dropped me by now, and I don’t think I’d still be alive myself.”

“So what you’re saying is, once I run out of new anime stories, I better have something else prepared to support myself. If only I could convince them to pay more for my standup acts…”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe you should try something else,” Morton said. “The people of this world value novelty. They laugh at your jokes because puns are a new concept to them, but eventually, they’ll get used to them.”

“I do more than just puns.”

“If you say so.”

“Just you watch,” Denny huffed. “I’ll show you what I can do when I pull out all the stops. I’ll make the king laugh so hard he’ll keel over!”

⁂

“Thank you. Thank you,” Denny beamed in response to applause. “Great audience tonight. What am I saying? Of course it’s a great audience. There’s nobody greater than the king!”

It was his first performance before the sovereign, and Denny was a bit disappointed. The king was short, portly, and had not a whiff of regality about him.

“Hear, hear!” The nobles in the audience roared.

“You ever hear about the time Shirou Emiya and Rin Tohsaka had to cross the sea? Everything was going well until they ran into a storm. The boat was rocking back and forth, back and forth. Rin, she was fine. She’s always in control. But Shirou, it was making him seasick. So he leans over the railing and starts hurling. He’d had mapo tofu for lunch, so it smelled something awful, but the surprising thing was, there was no end to it. He just kept vomiting.”

Denny hunched over and pantomimed puking over the side of a ship. He groaned in a loud, exaggerated fashion, shaking his leg up and down. This elicited nervous laughter from the king, who had never witnessed a storyteller act out in such a vulgar manner. The nobles mistook this for genuine laughter and joined in. This caused the king to believe that the nobles found this hilarious, and so he convinced himself that it really was funny.

After milking it as long as he could, Denny stood back up and continued his routine. “Rin felt sorry for him, so she started rubbing his back.” This too, he pantomimed. “Shirou was so grateful that he turned to thank her, but the spew was still coming up. Rin stepped back just in time to avoid it, and complained, ‘Ugh, spare me your unlimited barf works!’”

“How clever,” the king applauded. “You see, it’s supposed to be ‘unlimited blade works’, but he replaced it with ‘unlimited barf works.’” He tilted his head back and laughed.

Honestly, that had been too easy. He had come up with that joke minutes before he’d taken the stage, and Denny knew it didn’t deserve the laughter it was getting. This put Denny in a dark mood, and he impulsively decided to see how far he could push it.

“Speaking of Rin, what’s the deal with tsunderes anyway? They’re always saying ‘anta baka’ and ‘betsuni.’”

“Ha HA!” the king roared. “That’s true! They do say that!” His words were punctuated by bouts of laughter, and his servants, concerned that he was overexerting himself, rushed to his side. “It’s funny,” he wheezed, “because he referenced something I know about.” By the time he finished, he was laughing uncontrollably, and his face was turning red. Without warning, he clutched at his chest and thrashed around, falling to the floor.

“Lord help us all,” one of the servants moaned. “The king is dead.”