Chapter 5: In Soviet Russia, Anime Watches You!

Before Denny could process what had happened, he was grabbed by the king’s guards and tossed into a damp jail cell. Shortly afterwards, the door opened and Morton was thrown into the same cell.

“What happened?” Morton asked.

“King’s dead,” Denny told him. “Looked like a heart attack or something, but hard to tell. He was laughing so hard. Damn. I knew I was powerful, but to think I could kill someone with my jokes…”

“Don’t give yourself too much credit,” Morton sighed. “The king was in poor health. They’ll let us out once they come to their senses, for all the good it’ll do us.”

“Why’d they even arrest you anyway?” Denny asked. “You didn’t have anything to do with it.”

“Better safe than sorry, I guess,” Morton shrugged. “That’s how politics works here.”

“This doesn’t feel very isekai,” Denny moped. “Shouldn’t they be making me the new king or something?”

“The king’s uncle is next in line,” Morton said. “He’s a shrewd man. If there were any chance you could contend for the throne, he’d have dealt with you before you knew it was happening.”

“Maybe that’s why they threw us in jail,” Denny said, shivering with fear.

“If this is how it ends, perhaps that’s for the best,” Morton said. “I’m tired of this world. I’d trade all my years here for just one more week on Earth.”

“I get that,” Denny said. “I used to think my life was the worst. I’d lay awake at night imagining how much better it would be if I could live in the worlds of my favorite anime series. I could leave behind my responsibilities, and the job I hated, and live somewhere simpler. Somewhere I could be in control, ya know? And I wouldn’t have any expectations put on me.”

“I had forgotten about that,” Morton said. “Modern society really could make you feel trapped. I had to take so many crappy orders from my boss, with nothing much to show for it, and no real alternatives. Maybe I’m just nostalgic for Earth.”

“Nah,” Denny said. “It’s the same thing here. I had to do lots of things I didn’t want to do, but I convinced myself that I was slowly gaining power, but look where I am now.”

“The peasants are just as trapped as we were,” Morton nodded. “I guess that’s part of living in a society.”

“Argh, I had it wrong all this time,” Denny groaned. “I thought I was living a power fantasy, but that’s not really what an isekai is. Isekai is a total fantasy. It’s a complete escape from the harsh realities of life. Pre-industrial living seems so much simpler if you don’t think about it, but it sucks! You gotta do everything yourself, and if you mess up, you die.”

“It’s got advantages,” Morton mused. “At least the food isn’t pumped full of chemicals.”

“Yeah, but it tastes bland, there’s no variety, and there’s never enough to go around,” Denny shot back. “Everything smells terrible, disease runs rampant—”

“Gentlemen,” a voice interrupted their conversation. The two Earthlings looked up to find a yeoman addressing them from the other side of the bars. “The king has declared that you are to be put to death tomorrow morn’. I suggest you make your peace.”

“But I didn’t do anything,” Morton pleaded.

“Mr. Fritz was overheard boasting that he would make the king laugh so hard he’d keel over, and you did nothing to dissuade him,” The yeoman said. “The king’s decision is final.”

⁂

In any other circumstance, Denny would be delighted to see so many people turn out to see him. The square was completely packed with locals, all eager to participate in a double execution. It was the most excitement they’d had in years. Denny wanted to hate them out of spite, but he couldn’t blame them. Their lives were dreary and boring. If he hadn’t been raised with modern morals—and if it wasn’t his head on the chopping block—he’d enjoy the spectacle just as much.

So he decided to give them one hell of a last show.

“Nice sword,” Denny complimented the executioner. “What’s that engraved on it? CAST IN THE NAME OF GOD. YE NOT GUILTY. Hey, that’s just like my favorite mecha anime.”

The executioner wore a black hood, so Denny couldn’t see his face, but the fabric of the mask moved, and Denny assumed the man was smiling.

“Any last words?” the executioner asked him.

“Yeah, I got one last joke,” Denny said. “A gift for the people who’ve been good to me ever since I arrived. You don’t mind , do you? It’s a bit long.”

“Say your peace,” the executioner told him. “These people came for a show, after all.”

Turning towards the crowd, Denny began his final joke. “The Forger family walks into a talent agency, and Loid says to the agent, ‘We’ve got a great family act. Please represent us.’ Now, the agent, he’s skeptical. Family acts just don’t sell these days, but the Forgers seem like the perfect family.

“‘Show me, and I’ll think about it,’ the agent says to Loid.

“With a huge grin, Loid squats down and Yor positions herself…”

A stunned silence enveloped the crowd as Denny described as many disgusting, taboo acts as he could. Even the executioner and the guards were so shocked that they froze in place, allowing him to continue for several minutes. When they recovered, they grabbed him by the arms to force him onto the block.

“It’s all over the floor, and Bond’s rolling around—Oh, guess I gotta wrap up.

“‘That’s one hell of an act,’ the agent says. ‘What do you call it?’

“And Loid says, ‘The Aristo—’”

THUNK

⁂

Denny awoke to an unfamiliar ceiling. After getting his bearings, he realized he was in a hospital. Had it all been one crazy drug trip? No, it had been too real, and had lasted too long. His body still remembered the feeling of the rough medieval clothing against his skin.

Whatever, he was just glad to be back in a comfortable, modern world.

“Finally awake?” a nurse asked, drawing back the curtains next to his bed. “Don’t freak out, but you’re in a different world now.”

“Am I back on Earth?” Denny asked.

“Nah. We call our planet Vruez.”

“I see. It just seems similar to Earth. Do you have anime here?”

“Anime? Never heard of it. Is it something from your world? Earth’s culture’s real popular lately.”

“You know about Earth culture, but not anime?” Denny blinked. “So, like what’s popular here? Earth books? Movies?”

“A little,” the nurse shrugged, “but what really gets people excited is Saturday morning cartoons. Scrappy-Doo is huge right now.”

“No, send me back,” Denny pleaded. “Please, send me back. All the comforts in the universe aren’t worth it. Anything is better than this, even the crappy medieval world.”

THE END