I Do Not Care Anymore.

"You Either Die A Hero Or You Live Long Enough To See Yourself Become The Villain."
- Harvey Dent, The Dark Knight

I am living in regret. Looking back at it now, I do not enjoy what I did yesterday.

I decided to change myself and cut people off. But due to my kind and caring personality, I found it hard to do. I wasn't able to be angry. Everyday I smile and laugh everything. All insults and jokes which offend me, I laugh it off because I am a scaredy bitch to be angry at them.

There was this one guy I hated so much. I messaged him about my hatred towards him. The problem was that...I did it in a harsh way.

I messaged him and said stuff like ''Kill yourself,'' ''Get hit by a car,'' ''Nobody likes you,'' ''Your face disgusts me.'' At that moment, I just snapped. My anger consumed me. My goal at that time was to degrade of his humanity and completely break him. I was turning into a villain. I had no regrets at that time. I enjoyed every bit of it. The bottled up anger went off.

At the end, it worked. I cut him off from my life. He was no longer a friend to me. I felt free. I felt the shackles I had on me for so long has finally been gone. I got the desired result...but at what cost?

Now that I look back at it, was those insults really necessary? There were ways to cut him off without telling him to die. It was the first time I told someone to kill themselves in a serious tone. I started regretting my actions. I had no idea what to do. Felt like my life was going downhill. I am failing academically and I have these kind of problems coming in between. My schedule is fucked and nothing is going as I wish. I go to school, smile, bottle my emotions up, come back home, cry about it, get angry and sleep and then the cycle just continues.

To be honest, I don't know what I am doing. I wish there was someone who can guide me. I am stuck in dilemmas. I do not know what I am doing is right or wrong. I do not know how my decisions are going to affect me in the future. I really wish I could just kill myself thinking about what I said to that guy.

Why can't I just face the people I hate? Why can't I just tell them face to face that I hate them? Why am I so kind and caring? Why can't I be angry? Why do I always have a mask covering my mask which always shows that I am smiling? Why do I act happy when I'm actually not? Why do I have to bottle up my anger and sadness inside every time and not mention the problem to them? Why do I have to act as friends with the people I hate?

Answer is that I am scaredy bitch. I can be angry at people through text but not when I am face to face with them. I smile because that's all I can do. My body won't allow me to be angry. I am done complaining to myself saying it's my personality trait. Deep down, I know I am just using that as an excuse to calm myself.

The people I hate were like shackles on me. I knew there has to be a time to cut them off. And the time was now. One way or the other, I had to remove them. I do not care about what is going to happen anymore. I can't continue coming home and crying about it. If I have to get something fixed, I had to do something myself instead of complaining about it. I cut one of the shackles. It was time to cut the others.

I can't be bothered to check about their feelings. I mean, is this surprising? Everyday I get comments from people saying that I am a robot with no feelings or emotions. I bottle up the sadness, come back home and open up that bottle. I would get really sad hearing those kind of comments but at this point I was done and just accepted it.

So I decided to stick with the people who truly understands me and supports me instead of hanging out with some other idiots who keeps insulting me not knowing it would make me sad. So this time, I will cut ties with the people I hate.

Today, I cut another shackle. I was having difficulties with my friend and I cut ties with him. But this time I wasn't harsh. I cut him off in the right way.

This school and the whole world treats me as someone who just has no emotions or feelings.

Screw this. All relationships can break up. I do not care if someone dies. This school and the whole world can fuck yourself for all I care. Just because I am smiling all the time doesn't fucking mean that I have no feelings about what people say.

Fuck you. I hate everyone. This world can burn for all I care.