Am I Changing?

Am I changing? Am I being too angry at people? Do I have anger issues? Where is my kind self?

I thought showing my anger towards the people I hate was good but am I being too harsh? I want to degrade people's humanity like I did to one of my shackles. I wanted them to be depressed. I wanted to see them cry. But what am I doing? Am I doing the right thing? Like I know this isn't a good mindset. I never felt this kind of anger before. I never had the urge to say someone to kill themselves before. What's happening to me?

I have an urge to get a girlfriend. I want someone to care about me deeply. I want someone to hug me and say ''Everything will be alright,'' to me because I am lost in this puzzle of life.

I didn't want to continue fake smiling at people I hate and said the truth. Even others felt my hatred toward those people were valid. But why are they not showing their anger then? Why am I being the villain? Why are they still friends with them if they secretly hate them? Why am I blamed on?

I do not regret cutting them off. I know I did the right thing. But it's hard to ignore their existence as they are my classmates. Their existence makes me lose my focus on my studies. I am not going down academically. I am getting worse and worse everyday just because I spent my day thinking about this and sleep while listening to music.

I was tired of bottling up my anger everyday in school so I opened it. Now I have a big hole in my heart. I am annoyed when the people I hate talks to the people I love because I won't be able to talk to the people I like when the people I hate are around them.

I am annoyed, angry and sad when people call me a robot but I kept on smiling. I never told them I found discomfort when they say that. I wish to be angry at them, but does it really matter? Because this is how everyone looks at me. Being angry at one person wouldn't solve the problem. But should I tell them that I am angry? Would it help the situation in any way?

There are people who don't like me as I am way too formal, way too kind, way too robotic etc. I mean like...what do you want me to do? I just happened to be this way. I can't be someone else. I am me. I can't be like the cool kids in class. I would see my classmates being able to make the class laugh but what do I do? I can't be like them. I am just some dude. Just sitting there.

There is a school tour coming. I don't know if I should go because the people I hate would be in the same tour bus. The tour is 4600 rupees. Its a huge amount. I don't know if I should go because if I end up not enjoying the trip then its a huge loss of money. I could buy a game with that money which is sure to make me happy. But my friends are forcing me to come and I am happy that they care. But they have other friends. Wouldn't they leave me to hangout with their best friends during tour? So is me coming for tour really worth it? They might hangout with the people I hate which make me not want to go near them. I am in a dilemma.

I...do not know what to do. My head feels like its about to burst. Like as if a chain is wrapped tightly around my head and its only getting tighter the more I think about the people I hate and the way I cut them off. I want to die so I can be free from this headache. I can't bear it.