Into the Woods

Park ranger Erica, our guide for the day, did not look like a park ranger. She was a stout and sturdy woman with a big smile that left crinkles in her face and her head was crowned with a large bundle of wild, gingery-blonde hair. Some tufts of frizzy hair had escaped her tight, high ponytail and I secretly commended those hairs for escaping. Erica seemed to be the type of person that controlled each and every situation with a firm grasp. Our very own off-brand miss Frizzle was nothing like the shaky interns that had given us a tour of the museum yesterday.

It should not have surprised me, but Erica knew an awful lot about nature. Almost immediately after it was explained to us what route we would be taking today, she started to hand out facts about the forest and its many animal citizens. (Yes, that is what she called them, animal citizens...)

I am sure her story was fascinating, but as we started walking I grew more and more disinterested. Not necessarily because she was a terrible guide in any way, but more so because I had a perfect view of Joey and his new 'friend' Isabelle from where I was standing. Snooping on them was far more fascinating right now than listening to a longwinded story about the types of moss that were native to the forrest.

Unfortunately, they seemed to be getting along quite welll; they were chatting and laughing and were generally having a great time. Well, I can tell you right now that I did not share that experience.

Every time Isabelle looked up at Joey with that adorably shy smile of hers, her cheeks rosy red from the cold, I started to feel sick and Joey's warm laughter at Isabelle's stupid jokes felt like a gutpunch. My hope dwindled down further and further until there was nothing left for me to hold onto but the promise that Joey had made me yesterday. He had told me we would talk some more today, he had promised... But seeing how infatuated Joey and Isabelle were with each other made it increasingly hard to believe that Joey would keep his word.

A fit of fiery jealousy rose up from the bottom of my stomach but as much as I hated seeing them together, I could not look away. I was a deer stuck in headlights and there was nothing I could do except wait for the inevitable. My total lack of control over the situation filled me with an immenent dread that I had only ever felt once before. Ironically, Joey had been one of the leading causes of that former instance of debilitating fear as well, all be it for a very different reason...

I retrieved my camera from my backpack and started making scenic pictures in an attempt to keep myself from staring at Joey and Isabelle for too long. It worked to an extent, but it was not enough to distract me from my own thoughts.

Maybe Georgy was right after all... Chasing after Joey could very well be a major waste of time. There was zero proof that Joey could (and would) fall in love with someone like me. If I was honest with myself, I would even admit that there was actually quite some evidence against it. Joey showed no embarrassment getting dressed in front of other guys and, like he had told me yesterday, he had had multiple girlfriends already who he had likely had sex with. Furthermore, insinuating to Joey that I liked him was about as succesfull as flirting with a brick wall.

The only thing that I had going for me was that he had suddenly decided to show me some kindness, but honestly, that was nothing special. I was nothing special. Joey treated everyone nicely: his friends, his girlfriends and even me, a walking disaster on legs. Frankly, Joey was just a pleasant person.

Unfortunately, so was Isabelle and that was exactly what made me so afraid; they would be perfect for each other. Logically, I should have given up on Joey years ago. I should have moved on but I simply could not. You can call me obsessive or even toxic if you would like, and maybe you are right. Personally, I had always seen myself as more of a hopeless romantic and that is why I could not give up just yet. Too much was at stake. I would keep fighting until the last remains of hope had been snuffed out even if that meant I would get hurt over and over and over again...