Chapter 21:

21: Complex

I was Born the Unloved Twin

I've messed up.Bookmark here

I only meant to play around. Ruining a cute romantic first meeting and mess with the stupid prince a bit or something. It's just a bit of fun, a little petty revenge.Bookmark here

That sickening love story is what centers this hurricane called my life right?Bookmark here

NO, of course, it doesn't, it started much earlier than that. But it can't be denied that my sister's betrayal really took the cake. Was it ever a betrayal? I was the unwanted part in the first place, always was. Bookmark here

Since we've first arrived here two days ago, Erik and Lilyanne have been surprisingly close playmates. Bookmark here

He won't stop looking for us or following us. He is the young master of the place so it's impossible to fully refuse him. It would be too rude and out of place. In the past, we were never introduced until the engagement was set, official. Which should be in but a few days time. Bookmark here

The stupid prince and I were then forced to spend time together each day but what about Lilyanne? She hardly ever interacted with him that I can recall officially. The stupid prince would either stay far or have those brief rescue encounters.Bookmark here

They were childhood sweethearts but they weren't friends or anything. I don't even know when or how they seriously fell for each other. But they did down the line.Bookmark here

And here I've set them up even earlier. With the public first encounter they had, the ice has been broken and there are no formalities with introductions to get in the way. They're full-on playmates at this point.Bookmark here

And they're sickening together.Bookmark here

I honestly don't think I'll be able to stop it. Those two were so foolishly in love and history will repeat itself once again. ....It killed me then.Bookmark here

So what if they fall in love again? So what if the engagement will be broken badly? I've made plans! I'm prepared this time. I won't just be dragged and tossed aside again. Right?Bookmark here

Right?!Bookmark here

Rosalia was used to loneliness. I think a good amount of people are to some extent, no matter another world or time. Some handle it better than others no matter the weight. Some crack at the slightest pressure.Bookmark here

Rosalia had cracked and crumbled and then glued the pieces together the best she could. She painted herself over in bold beautiful colors and set sail as if she has been never broken before. It looked good, it looked really really good. She lived lavishly, so glamorously that it stirred the envy in many hearts. But it wasn't enough against the metaphorical waves and the rain. She wasn't enough and then she was too much.Bookmark here

I don't need Rosalia's past memories to know what it feels like to drown. To all at once be too much and yet not enough. My ordinary life was more than enough for that. Bookmark here

And then I died.Bookmark here

I speak about the past Rosalia as if she's another person that I've just taken over. I do so because I'm scared of otherwise losing myself. How do I tell where she and I start, where we end? The truth is as time goes on, I'm beginning to confuse myself.Bookmark here

What is me and what is her?Bookmark here

Was there even a line?Bookmark here

The more time goes on the more I don't think there even was one. I'm so scared of drowning in the same mistakes again, all of them from every lifetime.Bookmark here

Every one.Bookmark here

When I was reborn my soul, or whatever they call it, didn't replace her. I didn't just fill an empty exited space. It was so painful of an experience that every time I woke up that first day I forced myself to fall unconscious again until it was over.Bookmark here

Sometimes I still feel the whiplash of that time.Bookmark here

When I first came here, was first born two years ago, it was like having all my veins pumped and filled with molted metal. Like a cadaver to be toxically preserved and put on display. It was having my entire body and soul forced squeezed into a far too small coffin to be buried alive.Bookmark here

If I don't refer to her as someone else how can I cope with those memories, her memories? The tragic life of that dead girl is too haunting. Like our souls I think our fears, insecurities, and traumas have mixed and fused into something that could be potentially worse.Bookmark here

Don't Ignore MeBookmark here

Don't Ignore MeBookmark here

Don't Leave MeBookmark here

Don't Hate MeBookmark here

That's what starts it, the ignoring, the neglect. Hey hey stop it, stop ignoring me. I'm right here! I'm here so don't act like I don't exist, it's fine if you yell or hurt me just don't....ignore me.Bookmark here

I expect it soon enough from mama and papa. I expect it from the stupid prince. Hell I'll even expect it from this whole damned world! I know it's going to happen and I'm ready!Bookmark here

But that part of Rosalia is just so damned scared.Bookmark here

Don't ignore me, don't ignore me, please I'll be good just don't ignore me again. Don't ignore me.Bookmark here

God that voice is so hatefully annoying! Just shut up already! Shut up!!!Bookmark here

I wish I could kill it so it would just shut up. But I don't know anymore how much of it is just those past memories and how much of it is all me. We're the same now. That haunted ghost like girl and I are the same person.Bookmark here

Everything is already starting and I'm going to die again. But before that it will be a very painful and lonesome life. It's starting, this life that I found worse than death. Bookmark here

I'll be invisible again.Bookmark here

Though I fight it at every turn the panic won't stop rising up and out of me. It's overflowing. These shameful tears won't stop. I can only muffle my cries with my dress and hide away somewhere with no people.Bookmark here

Curse this small emotional body of a child.Bookmark here

What's the big deal, they're only playing? Can't the kids develop into friends without me having a breakdown? As long at Lilyanne is on my side I'll be fine. With her automatic support and my hard-worked plans, I'll be ok right? Better than before at least?Bookmark here

But this is how it starts, this is when I start to get left behind.Bookmark here

God why won't the shaking and crying just stop already?!Bookmark here

----Bookmark here

"Hey, are you still alive?"Bookmark here

An insistent poking wakes me up from my sleep and I instantly pull a grimace. When did I even fall asleep?Bookmark here

Shit no one was supposed to find me. How long have I been out anyways? I must have passed out from my ridiculous crying spree. Ah I want to hide away in shame. My first reaction is to indeed curl myself up even further.Bookmark here

The kid that found me however does not relent with the poking, I near bite the offending hand when he makes to pinch my cheek. I meant to but I missed, damn.Bookmark here

"Oh so you're awake now, that's good. Everyone's worried you know."Bookmark here

So what, I would have been fine. I always am, the staff here are concerned for nothing. I refuse to even give him an answer, I'm too tired anyways.Bookmark here

"Come on, let's get you cleaned up.."Bookmark here

I'm lifted upright and dusted off with small tanned hands, though they're still much bigger than my own. Rude but well whatever I'm just a kid right now. I'm still the little eldest Miss of the Ventrellas after all.Bookmark here

"Your grandfather's been looking everywhere for you just so you know. Which reminds me..."Bookmark here

Grampa's back? And he's here? That gets my attention enough to look up. The kid isn't a servant's child like I originally thought, he's dusty and dressed like a soldier. He has on one of those dopey smiles you wear when coaxing small children. It would have worked on another child, a real one.Bookmark here

"I've found her! She's over here sir!"Bookmark here

"Where!"Bookmark here

"Between the bushes and pines sir, she's safe and unharmed."Bookmark here

A bunch of cheers are heard, grampa must have assigned them all to search till they found me. Seriously, what time is it? I can't tell in the shade of the trees, I couldn't have been gone for more than a few hours. What's the worry?Bookmark here

"Report to Lord Roland!, she's in the North-West field by the property!"Bookmark here

"Good job Amar. You did well." Bookmark here

Mid praise from a senior officer, bursts another obnoxiously childish voiceBookmark here

"Dang it! I was going to win."Bookmark here

"Haha it wasn't even a contest Lukas."Bookmark here

"Yeah yeah whatever. Good job finding it."Bookmark here

"I think it's a she?"Bookmark here

I can't see this Lukas kid he's shouting at but I know I dislike him already by voice alone.Bookmark here

Sending soldiers out to search and do menial work wasn't too surprising but child soldiers too? Ah grampa may be pretty mad this time around.Bookmark here

I refuse to be picked up though so the kid can only let me get up and walk by myself. The child solider offers me his hand but I have no need for such things. I just fell asleep, I'm not invalid. He simply shrugs and just lifts the branches of the bush out of my way. When I step out out my hiding place and into the clearing a sight, or should I say person, has me frozen on spot.Bookmark here

There in front of me must have been the other searching child solider, the loud voice.Bookmark here

But I recognize him, I recognize his overly pale features and always arrogant grin. It's that guy, one of my cousin's Phillip's dear friends. One of those who would come to help kill me in the end. He would watch me die too.Bookmark here

"Ah they really do look alike! But this one isn't as cute as the other one somehow."Bookmark here

Shit.Bookmark here

I force myself to breathe again but it comes out labored, uneven. If I try to hold it in it still comes out like mad hiccuping. Bookmark here

With my recent breakdown everything is too fresh, the fear and memories. Everything is already falling in place and time is starting to turn no matter what I do.Bookmark here

My time is counting down. Bookmark here

"Hey don't be sad. Come on you're plenty cute, very cute. He didn't mean it, say sorry Lukas. There there now don't cry."Bookmark here

Even though I refused his help earlier he's giving me an easy exit route now. A dumb one that's normally far below me but I'll take it. The older kid picks up my now unresponsive form and I quickly hide my face away into his rough leather shirt, dirty or not. He takes my fearful trembling as a typical child's crying and pats me comfortingly on the back as he walks.Bookmark here

"Shhh don't cry, it's okay."Bookmark here

"Geez what a baby."Bookmark here

"The Lord commander is going to kill you when he finds out you made her cry, she is a baby."Bookmark here

"You're the one holding it! Why would I get blamed?"Bookmark here

"Hear that Rosalia, your grandfather is going to smack that bad big brother silly later. He's going to do lots of drills and get no yummy food."Bookmark here

"Amar!"Bookmark here

"It will be soooo funny when he get all the punishments. Don't you think so? So don't cry anymore ok?"Bookmark here

"Amar you wouldn't. Oi stop baby talking to it and oi Amar! Please don't tell Lord commander!"Bookmark here

I admit, that made me feel a little better.Bookmark here

-----Bookmark here

When we meet up with grampa at the main property I'm quickly taken into his over large arms like a rag doll.Bookmark here

"Where have you been?! Was there any danger?"Bookmark here

I shake my head at that. It's a reasonable fear, with kidnapping threats always being viable. Bookmark here

"I'm sorry. I went out and fell asleep. I'm very sorry about worrying everyone."Bookmark here

"You were gone the entire day! No one seen or heard from you since breakfast."Bookmark here

"I'm very sorry, I won't ever do it again."Bookmark here

It was just that bad of a day. So of course I pass out missing the same day gramps arrives too, just in time to get in trouble. Typical.Bookmark here

"You better not young lady, god what if something had happened?"Bookmark here

Nothing will happen, nothing yet at least. I would know that best. Grampa seems to sense something is wrong with me though and stops the scolding after that.Bookmark here

"Good job on finding her everyone! I'm sorry to trouble you like this, please return and have a good rest. A grand meal and alcohol is on me as promised!"Bookmark here

The scattered mixed up troops chuckle and cheer. Just another day playing under grampa's whims. Food sounds nice but somehow, despite napping for so long I just want to rest more. All I want to do is sleep, maybe for another decade, maybe more. It's just that bad of a day.Bookmark here

Can kids this small be so depressed?Bookmark here

Thankfully grampa doesn't ask anymore nor does he mention the tear marks and snot on my face. I don't think he would believe those kids if they told him I cried just because I was called uncute. I feel oddly better with grampa here though. I don't know how long I'll stay on his good side but for now here with him is the safest place I can possibly be.Bookmark here

I just won't ever tell him that. This grampa's ego is overly inflated enough.Bookmark here

Before falling back asleep in his arms I see that those kids again, they both wave towards me like I'm that random baby at the market. The annoyingly nice one mouths goodbye and I'm struck with an odd sense of deja vu.Bookmark here

Ah whatever.Bookmark here

Goodnight.Bookmark here

I just want to sleep and forget a little while longer.Bookmark here

----Bookmark here

Author: In a lot of works of this genre, I always wondered how the MC seems to just accept and adapt to their new lives so well. You would think there should be a need for a psychiatric therapy group for reincarnation and transmigrators. That's just a lot of stress/trauma going on.  Bookmark here

Maybe these MCs are just strong and OP, and that includes a simpler and less painful worldview. Bookmark here

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