6 1/2

Chapter 1 “6… and a half”

The way the sun shines down on me, glaring off the snow, always made me uncomfortable. It was like god was putting a spot light on me, and if anything i was born to blend in. I stood outside in the disturbingly cold tundra of northern Michigan waiting to go to school. I used to think childhood was boring and unimportant, but it may be the most pertinent time of my life.

“Casey, where is your back pack? You’re already late.” My dad Hollered from the barely hanging on steps of our front porch. Dennis was a troubled man, not in the sense of he was disturbed, but he had the unlucky fortune of being married to Angie, my mother.

“It’s already in the car!” I spoke shakily, a cloud of fog escaping my mouth.

“Well, let’s get a move on then kid!” My dad laughed.

He took my hand, the hand I could barely move as it was being suffocated by six layers of mittens socks and gloves. I always hated that feeling, I’d rather be frost bitten than sweating. The way my fingers would be pruned when I finally removed the thick cotton socks always made me feel sick.

Our old Ford always took a few tries to start up, but dad always made it a guessing game. I always hoped it wouldn’t start at all so I could spend the day with him.

“What do you think case? I give it three good turns before it starts.” he playfully said to me while giving me a tickle in my belly I couldn’t feel under the bright pink and green snowsuit. “I don’t know dad..” I stared out the window and tried to wish myself back into the house, I could feel the adolescent emotions crawling their way from my stomach to my eyes. “I don’t want to go to school today, can I please stay home with you?” I lowered my voice and put on my best puppy dog eyes. “Pleeeeeeaaase”.

I already knew the answer but it never hurt to try. “I got classes myself today kid, I wish we could both just stay home but we gots sponsabilities” he stuck his tongue out and gave a slight giggle.

A child shouldn’t have to know about the struggles of adulthood, but part of that is why I loved my dad so much, try as he might to protect me from the world I saw the way he cried when things were hard. I learned at a very young age that growing up wouldn’t be an easy task.

“HA! I told you! Three tries.” He exclaimed. I couldn’t help but to smile. The condensation filled the car and almost as fast disappeared. The smell of gas enveloped me and the rumble of the engine shook the car. “Gotta let it warm a bit so it doesn’t give up on us down the road” he said. Dennis loved to give me a play by play of everything that was gonna happen. I used to think it was because he just enjoyed talking, now I know he was teaching me life skills.

“Can we go sledding this weekend? We can even take Izzy!” I asked again sporting my puppy dog eyes.

“Ya know your sister hates the cold” he reminded me “she’s still too little for that I think”.

My sister Isabelle was four years old, and ever since she was born, the bane of my existence. I enjoyed more than anything being my dads only daughter.

“Well then she can stay with mom and we can go.” I argued and if I wasn’t getting out of school I felt I was owed something out of this rotten deal.

“ yeah kid, we will see if mom comes home this weekend, and if she does, I’d love to take ya sledding” he softened his voice when he said this.

I know he didn’t want to speak ill of my mother, but even at the age of 6 1/2, I wasn’t blind to who she was. Angie and Dennis had me when they were still in high school and the god fearing folks they were got married shortly after I was born because “it was the right thing to do” something my grandma said often. But the problem was Angie didn’t want to be a wife let alone a mother. I think she hated me for that reason. I stole her youth and any chance she had to run away from the dead end town I loved so dearly.

I could feel my blood boil thinking about how it had been three whole days since my mom came home from work. If this was anyone else we would worry, but it was Angie. And sooner or later she would turn up when she was coming off her bender.

We finally rolled up to my school and I hopped out of the car and struggled to run up the never ending stairs and through the heavy metal doors. “Bye kid love ya” I heard my dad shout from the car. I raised my hand as high as I could without looking back or saying a word. My only goal now was to get through this long hard day of first grade.

I walked into the school and was hit by the stale smell of lockers and the overwhelming scent of loves baby soft. You couldn’t keep the bulk of jackets socks and gloves on me longer than I had to. I stripped them off leaving a puddle under my boots where the snow had started to melt and marched into my classroom. “Ah! Casey, we were missing your face, glad you’re here” mrs.Larsen exclaimed. Some people were just made for teaching and as much as I’d rather be watching spice world in the comfort of my home, I guess her class was a close second. She was a tall pin thin woman with white hair. So pale that she could be lost in the snow, never to be seen again.

“Hi mrs.Larsen, my dads car wasn’t starting and we..” I said but was politely interrupted.

“That’s ok dear you made it just on time” and just like that the bells chimed, alerting us that school was beginning.

I slid into my seat and looked around the class to see if Vanessa had managed to bribe her parents into letting her stay home. And as soon as the envy filled me, it released when I saw her peak over the bookshelf. Her curly black hair bounced as she walked towards me. Her smile, one that was once filled with beautiful teeth, now had one huge gap.

“YOU LOST A TOOTH!” I yelled the envy crawling back through me. It was like a right of passage Vanessa has basically became an adult woman by my standards.

“I sure did, and guess what?” She asked and before I could even guess she pulled out two wrinkled dollar bills. “I’m pretty much rich now” she scoffed. But not in a way where she was attempting to make me feel small, just one of pride.

Vanessa was beautiful. She had dark glowing skin. The way the sun shinned on her made me want to appreciate it a little bit more. As much as a I hated the sun I loved seeing it on her. She was a true wild child. Always witty and had no trouble saying exactly what came to mind. I wished I could be more like her.

“What are you gonna do with that much money!?” I questioned legitimately believing she could have anything in the world.

“I don’t know, probably gonna get candy or something.” She giggled and took her seat in the desk next to mine.

It seemed like hours drug by before we finally had our release. Recess.

Some kids would throw all their heavy coats back on and brave the cold air, but the kids who were smart like me opted for playing in the gym.

“Go grab two jump ropes!” I yelled to Vanessa and our other friend Judy.

I didn’t do much to show off, but double Dutch was my time to shine. They ran quickly over to me and we prepared to do what I do best.

“Birdie birdie in the sky. Why’d ya do that to my eye? Birdie birdie in the sky. Gee, I’m glad that cows can’t fly” they sang while little giggles escaped them.

I don’t know what I liked more the actual physical act of jumping rope or the silly songs that were passed down to us by our teachers and parents.

I kept jumping as if I had all the energy in the world. And just as quickly as it started, it stopped. I was on the ground confused, I looked up to see James a 2nd grade boy, who had a knack for being an asshole laughing. I turned to look around and saw several others laughing at me and two horrified looks worn by Judy and Vanessa. “Hey! You can’t just push people like that it isn’t funny and it’s not nice” Vanessa asserted. A smaller but just as angry voice came from Judy “yeah, she could have been hurt”.

And I was. My ankle was throbbing and a bruise had already appeared. But more than that I was embarrassed. My pride was hurt.

A teacher ran over to see what was happening and helped me stand “what is going on over here?” She asked with her lips pursed. The words all collided together as Vanessa and Judy tried to tell them what happened along with James’ occasional lies of “it was an accident”.

“Okay! Okay! We will get this sorted out. Casey let’s get you to the nurse.” She said as she helped me limp out of the gym doors.

“So, why don’t you tell me what happened?” She said with a slight smile I thought she put on to comfort me.

I sat in the uncomfortable blue chair, next to the school nurses station. The nurse was running around trying to find an ice pack. She had a nervous demeanor, but she seemed kind. The teacher who helped me to the nurse in the first place wasn’t mine. In fact I didn’t even know her name.

“James pushed me” I said barely whispering, afraid if I spoke to loud, tears would come out with the words.

“What did you say sweetie? You gotta speak up” she replied.

I took a deep breath and blurted out “JAMES pushed me” and I wasn’t wrong. The tears started flowing out of my eyes like a faucet.

The teacher still smiling then said as if it was the most genius thought she ever had “OH! Oh sweetie. Sometimes when boys have a crush on a girl they pick on them. I think James likes you.” Still smiling proud of the words she was saying.

My ankle was throbbing in pain the bruise only growing. The confusion hit me like a brick wall. “But it hurts and I” I said but was less politely interrupted this time. “I know you don’t understand right now, but that’s just something boys do. We will get you an ice pack and you’ll be good as gold in no time”

I often look back at moments in my life like this and think “would I be different if I was told something else? Would I be different if James was held accountable for his actions?”. And worst of all I wonder what James is now? Did he change or did he stay the 2nd grade bully who hurt people he “liked”. Regardless of the answers my views on how boys treated girls they liked changed in that moment.