8… basically 9

The rain was louder than my thoughts. But at least at the age of 8 basically 9 I finally had a place to organize them. A diary. I could say whatever I wanted and by law nobody could read a single word of it. Not that anyone had the time or care to see my words. The thunder bellowed through our small town, and I jumped as soon as it perpetrated my ear drums.

“Casey. Dinner. Now” my dad screamed from down stairs. The person I once thought would be my one true best friend forever had never been further from me now. The long shifts I didn’t understand. The screaming matches I heard from the cracked bedroom door.

I ran downstairs to find a brown sludge in a bowl. “Wha..what is this” I asked

“Food. Can you just eat kid. There’s kids in Africa starving.” He snapped back at me.

Even at my young age I knew it wasn’t me. He was just stressed life had gotten busier and mom had gotten worse. But now I knew that my mom wasn’t the only bad guy. I had grown to avoid them both. “Izzy come on time for dinner” he yelled. It bothered me that Izzy got a mild version of my parents.

She didn’t get yelled at. She didn’t get blamed for doing things. But I did. I felt like the world was out to get me otherwise why did I get these parents? This is something I would talk to my diary about often. As per usual Angie wasn’t anywhere to be found. Until she swung the front door open. I could feel the tension fill the air. Dealing with Dennis was annoying but dealing Angie was hell.

“You’ll never guess what I did today!” She said smiling wide.

I didn’t even look up at her. What could she say that would make my hatred for her disappear?

“Drum roll please” a long pause followed as Izzy hit the table with no rhythm. “ I enlisted into the army!” She exclaimed.

“You did what?” Dennis asked but he heard her. We all did.

“What’s that mean” Izzy asked

“It means I’m going to be in the army, duh, I’m gonna get a uniform and basically have a license to kill.” She laughed.

Dennis didn’t find it humorous. And I lacked the empathy it took to care what that meant for our family.

The years hadn’t been kind to our family. If you could have ever called it that. Dennis was depressed. His long white sleeves under the same bright green scrubs would have red stains where he would self harm. His presence, once comforting and kind, was now dark and draining.

“Casey… what do you think” she asked

“Cool” I responded coldly. At this point she knew I didn’t like her and she didn’t like me.

“Ok well I’m gonna be gone for a few weeks I leave soon” she said

“Wait really” I perked up.

“Well fuck casey don’t seem too happy about it” she said but she didn’t care if I was happy. She was happy and that’s all that mattered.

“Was this something you should have maybe discussed with me before you decided to do it?Holy hell Angie.” My dad said

But Angie never discussed important things with us. Not the times she ran off with her boyfriend for days and weeks not when she would quit her jobs she had for two days. Not when she forgot birthdays or holidays. We weren’t important to her so why would she tell us important things.

“Dennis I’m going and that’s all you need to know. And I guess since we’re saying things you just have to know. My friends are throwing me a party tonight” she said this as if we didn’t know she would be out partying again. If anything her disappointment was consistent.

“I’m not hungry” I said

And just like the thunder, my fathers fists hit the table and echoed through me.

“God dammit Casey go to your room. You too Izzy” he screamed.

I jolted out of my seat almost embarrassed I even said anything about my hunger or lack there of. I slowly closed the door behind me helped Izzy into her bed and got the squishiest stuffed animals I could to cover her ears.

“We’re gonna play a game iz. Let’s see who can keep these on our ears the longest. If you can hear talking your not holding it tight enough” the words sprang out of me but I knew what was happening next.

My parents vitriol seemed to run up the stairs faster than I could. I heard the demeaning words they would throw at each other.

“You’re a fucking loser Dennis and I deserve better than this shit hole” my mom would yell

“And you’re god damn whore. The only thing you’re good at is spreading your legs for the entire town”

And as fast as it started it ended. The door slammed and I looked out the window to see my mother get in her car and fly down our street.

I heard thé soft whimpers of my fathers crying followed by things clattering around. Glass breaking and things being knocked off the shelves. And eventually it was just quiet. The silence was almost scarier than the yelling sometimes.

“I’m sick of this game Casey it’s boring” Izzy proclaimed the stuffed rabbit and bear still glued to her ears.

I motioned for her to put them down.

“You won iz” i smiled up at her on the top bunk of our shared bed.

She gleamed down at me “I always win, you’re really bad at these games” she said none the wiser of what had just taken place.

I wasn’t always fast enough to protect her from them. There were nights where she would wake up from the screaming and it’s like she was trying to compete with them. But she was a baby. At least to me and I had to make sure she was safe.

I’d climb up top and hold her and and tell her they were just playing a game. And most of the time she believed me. Eventually I knew she would grow up like I did and realize this wasn’t fun anymore.

After I got izzy into her favorite pajamas and she dozed off to bed I quietly crept down the stairs. They creeped and moaned the closer I got to the bottom.

“Case what are you doing you should be asleep” My dad said in a raspy voice his eyes were blood shot and puffy. He had been crying obviously.

“I came to make sure you were okay dad” I replied.

“C’mon kid you know that isn’t your job” he said almost disappointed in himself.

These times after the fights when my dad realized he made a mistake in letting us hear, it seemed like he was my old dad again.

“Dad, why do you and mom fight all the time?” I asked tears raising in my eyes voice whimpering just as his had.

“Well, sometimes case, when you love someone, you get comfortable saying whatever comes to mind. Sometimes you say things you don’t mean” he answered unsure of himself

“But that’s mean” I fought back

“Yea kid like I said sometimes you say mean things when you really really love someone”

These emotions and things you do to people you love was starting to make more and less sense all at the same time. Whatever the reason I was slowly learning about love from the people around me and it started to shape how I viewed myself.