10 and bleeding

I looked down in a panic the bright red streaks staring back at me. ‘What is happening’ I thought to myself crying silently in my bathroom. ‘Am I dying?’. I curled up into a ball the cramps spreading through my lower abdomen and sending a shock of agony down my legs. ‘I am dying’. My life had been nothing if not short and miserable, this seemed like a fitting way for it to end. A knock at the door startled me back to reality.

“Hey, case, you ok in there?” Dennis asked his voice somber almost worried. “You’ve been in there for a while.

“Yeah, yeah dad I’m fine” I scrambled to get the bleeding to stop. The clattering of springs from the toilet paper roll echoing through the bathroom. “Shit” I said, I don’t know if I said it in my head or out loud but if Dennis heard he would have to understand that I’m dying and cursing would have to be an appropriate response right?

Another knock sent waves of panic through my brain.

“Casey, can you please let me know what’s going on, you’ve been locked up in this bathroom for an hour” this time his words were almost scolding. I pulled my pants up and ripped the door open trying to gather the courage to appear fine. “Hey, hey oh my god Casey what’s wrong you look terrible” the worry returning to his voice. I collapsed the exhaustion fully taking over my 10 year old body. “Daddy, I’m dying, I tried to stop the bleeding but it won’t stop” I managed to get the words out between agonized groans and weeps. I saw the color drain from his face. “Ah damn case what did you do? What happened sweetie?” His distress growing by the seconds.

“Nothing dad I didn’t do anything I promise, it just happened.” I tried to pull myself up but another twinge of pain sent me back to me knees.

“Okay honey let me see” he said in a calm tone “I can help ok, I’m a nurse there’s nothing I haven’t seen before” I’m sure he was right, but this was my body and the thought of my dad seeing where the endless blood stream was coming from scared me more than dying.

“NO” the shrilling word left my throat before I even thought it.

This is how I die, bleeding from places I didn’t know existed, contractions hindering me from standing. I’d never felt so useless.

A puzzled look crept across my fathers face. He stepped back hands on his head seeming to pull an idea right from the top of it.

“Umm kid are you… are you bleeding from your private parts?” He pondered almost looking more embarrassed than I was. Another spasm causing me to choke on the air. The distress streaming down my face and puddling on the cold tiles that surrounded me. I opened my eyes for what seemed like the first in a lifetime. The light barreling into my retina. Burning causing tears to sweep across my lashes. “Yes” I managed to squeak out. The shame once again covering me like a scratchy blanket that I couldn’t seem to peel off.

“Fuck, kid. This is really something your mom should be here for” he croaked out the words. But mom wasn’t there she was in Japan. She had been there for months because that’s where the army needed her. And right now for the first time in my life I needed her. According to my father.

“But it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. The good news is that you’re not dying” he laughed. Anger now taking over the humiliation. My eyebrows furrowed and I managed to sit up “this isn’t funny, I’m hurting and bleeding” I expressed the emotions as best I could while feeling like someone was peeling every layer of skin starting from the inside.

“Well sweetie, one day we will look back and laugh. This just another part of puberty. It’s called a period” the matter of fact tone took the place of where the worry once sat. He got down on the floor next to me to explain in great detail of what exactly a period was.

I shot up in horror.

“Every month!? I have to do this every month” I said fuming. His slight chuckling did nothing to improve my mood. “Yeah bud, pretty much all girls go through this, it’s the start of womanhood. It means you’re almost done growing up” he shrugged.

“JUST GIRLS” I bellowed. I think this is where my feminist journey began. I looked up at god and cursed him. What did boys have to suffer through? They had to have it worse right? I thought of all the things that could happen but they all paled in comparison. What could possibly be as bad as a period? I felt the blood start to drain from me again. I snapped my knees together as to beg it to go back where it came from.

“What can I do to stop it? And the pain..” I trailed off the questions overwhelming my small mind. My breath heavy and uneven sweat consuming my hands.

“Yeah. Yes! There’s ways to help. Let me check if your mom left some stuff here” he shuffled off down the short hall way. I felt my hand reach out as if possessed. My emotions bouncing in competition. All of them screaming over each other ‘come back’ ‘stay away’ ‘I’m hungry’ ‘I want to puke’. My brain felt like it was breaking with every second that passed. The small Tiks coming from the old analog clock hanging above me reverberating through my ears. I could feel my pulse. I slumped down further onto the floor until just my head was against the wall. “Here we go!” Dennis exclaimed from the other room. He handed me a stack of small pillow like objects. “Okay case these are like… um.. a bandaid kinda” he seemingly was questioning himself.

I squished them unsure of how this was going to fix me.

“So yeah it catches the blood, and you put it in your underpants” he stumbled over the explanation. He was trying his best I suppose but at this time I knew we were thinking the same thing “being a boy would be so much easier to deal with”.I crawled back into the bathroom kicking the door closed behind me and reached to the toilet to pull myself up. Pathetic. I felt absolutely pathetic. I looked down to the blood soaked underwear, my favorite pair. White with blue stitching and a sun wearing glasses the words Sunday splattered across it in a groovy font. ‘Why did I wear these today’ I groaned to myself. “It’s Thursday.”

Was this another right of passage. Ruining your favorite undergarments? Is that what being a woman is? If so I hated it.

“Dad can you get me new panties” I asked sheepishly.

“Uh yeah kid I’ll be right back” he said this as if his hand was covering his mouth it was almost muted. I didn’t know if it was because I was bothering him or if it was out of worry but I stopped caring because I was the one who was bleeding and would be for the rest of my life. Quickly he returned and cracked the door open. I snatched them out of his hand and slammed the door barely missing his hand as it escaped the crack. I stood up to apply the diaper esque object. And made another awful mistake. Sticky side up. Why wouldn’t he tell me how to do this properly. He spared no detail on how my life was going to be ruined by this red demon once a month but skipped the part where the sticky side goes on the underwear. I slowly removed it and threw it away. And tried again. Crying still. I finally pulled my pants on when another surge of pain culminated through my abdomen. “God why me” I screeched. Behind the door I heard the muffled laugh from my father. For his sake he better be right, this better be something we can laugh about later or I would quite possibly slip into a murderous rage. And right now he was at the top of my kill list.

I slowly opened the door apathy stretched across my face. And Dennis contained his child like giggles. “I know kid. I know this is very serious business” he said almost teasingly. He shook a bottle of midol in front of my face as if to say ‘this is going to fix it all’. I ripped the bottle from his hands and closed the bathroom door again. “Only take one bubz” he commanded. I scoffed at this “I know how to read dad.” I grunted under my breath. I turned the faucet on and put my face parallel to the Luke warm tap. The bitter pill touched my tongue and almost by impulse I wanted to spit it out. But I had come to far to be taken down by medication. I gathered my courage and once again filled my mouth with water and gulped it down.

“You good now?” He asked the sincerity returning to his voice. With mom gone Dennis seemed like my dad again. Or he had gotten better at hiding the pain. I guess that’s what pain does it teaches you how to evolve with it. It doesn’t shrink in size and doesn’t get smaller in time you just learn to live with it.

“Yeah dad I’m fine” I responded almost feeling bad for directing my anger at the only person who was here to help.

The sarrow surrounded me like a hug. How many girls had to go through this without there mom? I felt disgusted with myself for even wanting her there. She seemed content living her life over there. She hasn’t called since she arrived, no letters, just pictures we received from my aunt who was still up in the fridged north. She uprooted my , our, lives and vanished again. I was in my 10 year old body but my 3 year old self had taken possession. The 3 year old who didn’t understand why her mommy didn’t love her. I quickly pushed those emotions away and the anger returned holding me hostage. She knew this would happen to me. She could have.. no she should have warned me. Wasn’t that her job? I swore I would be a better mom than she ever was. Better yet I would never have children. Ever.

I single tear fell from eye and rolled down to the tip of my nose.

It seemed like the life lessons were piling up. Wasn’t I too young to take on so much? I slowly opened the door to an empty hallway and sluggishly walked to my bedroom. Crawling under the covers and praying to the god I still believed in that I could skip school tomorrow. Dad would understand, right?

The pain subsided from that of a sharp stab to a dull ache where the tendrils spread across my body there was now calm.

I saw Izzy across from me and hoped she would somehow be lucky enough to skip this part of womanhood. All that was left of the pain now was what had always been. Something that had stuck to me and always would. Just a kid longing for the love of a mother who never could. I craved the hugs and kisses that I grew up watching on the tv screen. This was the height of the discomfort I felt. The confusion ever lasting in the back of my brain. The pain never leaves you just learn how to live with it.