Chapter 37:

Ezra Pearlman


In her quaint office, Miss Ezra Pearlman rested her feet on the fishtank desk populated mostly by the nastiest piranhas money could buy. She didn’t especially care for the things, but loved how they intimidated anyone coming into her office trying to buy out her position.

She loved this spot, and after all the nonsense she’d been through, was more than happy to stay in it for the rest of her life. It was sheer luck that after so many dead-ends and false opportunities, President Washington himself extended his great big hand to her, offering a position as head of his newly-inherited Tennessee waterpark. It was an honor… and more importantly, a living. Simple… and honestly quite uneventful, for its scale.

So, understandably, when her favorite lapdog, Sky Vaughn, who had just been relieved of their Gigawhale duties for the day to come tend to her taxes, burst into her office shouting, it came as quite the surprise.

“Ma’am! You- um, you gotta come see this, ma’am! Something’s happening!”

Annoyed, the strict woman shot up from her desk, business-brown hair with a single blue streak calculated to show a sense of “fun” billowing behind her as she approached her observation window with a powerful stride.

Looking out over the park from her office tower, the appointed owner’s eyes widened as she witnessed her once-bountiful daily crowd depleted to unforeseen levels, with many remaining guests clearly headed straight for the exit.

“Get me my bodyguards.” She ordered the poor winter worker, lifting her legs one at a time to activate the trickery in her ankles. “I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s my responsibility to put a stop to it.”

As they walked, their excitement only grew.

“You really think it’s legit?”

“Why would everyone else be going that way? I don’t really get it, but I don’t think that’s very much of a reason to doubt it’s validity. Cash is cash.”

Cooperative housewives Millie and Sandra Arnet were on their way to a certain new attraction that had just popped up towards the east side of the park when the two of them were halted by a tall and fearsome woman dressed in an expensive black-on-blue suit dropping out of the sky, leaping off the buildings nearby.


Ezra Pearlman landed on the road with a splat, liquid concrete coating her shoes.

“Excuse me.” She said as she stepped from the spot, restoring it to its physical form as she removed herself. “Sorry for that, I’m Ezra Pearlman, this park’s manager. I’d like to have a word with you, as guests.”

“Oh, Ezra Pearlman!” Sandra gasped. “Yes, you’re… well, you’re in some of the commercials, aren’t you?”

“…Yes.” Pearlman sighed in embarrassment. “I suppose I am, in certain regions. But that’s not why I’m here. You see, I-“

“Waaaait.” Millie jolted. “No way, are you behind all this? Are you really gonna pay us all that money to leave for the day? Why is that? Are you giving your workers an extra break? That’s so nice! But how can you afford that? I mean, I get you’re pretty high-up in the world, but… what I’m saying is, is this for real? My wife and I, we can hardly manage to visit these big parks once a year, but…”

“…But we’ve already done most of what we wanted to do today.” Sandra finished. “If you’re willing to give us that much cash to end our stay a few minutes early, we will happily take whatever you have to offer. I mean, just think of how long that’ll cover the rent for!”

Pearlman grit her teeth. Whatever was going on, it was being pinned on her? And what did they mean they would get paid to leave the park?

“Ahem.” Ezra cleared her throat as audibly as possible. “I believe there’s been a misunderstanding, ladies. You mean to say that- you’re under the impression someone will pay you to exit the premises?”

“Yes, that’s right!” Sandra spoke. “You can see just about everyone clearing out already. They’re going in groups even, taking other people with them to get a bonus, I think? It’s all quite interesting.” 

“Are you… saying this wasn’t your idea?” Millie asked.

“No, ma’am. It was not. And I’d like to find out whoever’s it was as fast as possible.”

“Well, you can follow us then, why don’t you? We were headed towards the spot anyway.” Sandra said.

Ms. Pearlman’s staff leapt to the ground from the nearby roofs, turning it briefly to mush as they collided.

“Where to, ma’am?” Sky asked.

“Johnson. Casey. Carry these two and let them direct you. We’ll be moving on ground-level from now on, should be easier with the crowds decreasing. All units, engage swimmer mode.”

Ezra’s handpicked team of official personnel spread to either side of the road, creating a mobile river on each end as the passive trickery inside their soles rearranged the molecules of the land.


As all the team shouted, propellers exited from their heels, sticking out of the specially-crafted holes in their shoes. Within moments, they shot down the road like motorboats, the housewives giddily laughing as they watched the land behind them turn from water back to solid over and over again.

Pope Evaristus
Steward McOy
MyAnimeList iconMyAnimeList icon