Chapter 34:
My Government-Issued Girlfriend Can't Be This Cute!
"Hmm? Why ask for permission? I'm not your mom." Asagiri said.
My girlfriend was sitting at our kitchen table, dipping her spoon into a bowl of cereal. Asagiri had already changed into pink pajamas and taken a shower before I came back from work. Her fresh, clean look accentuated scents from sweet shampoo wafting through the air.
Over in our fridge, my hand pulled out a blue popsicle. "Yeah, but we're technically a couple. Wouldn't going on a legit date with someone else be like cheating?"
"Nothing in the contract says you can't." She sunk her spoon in for another cereal scoop. "Besides, I said before it was fine if you tried flirting with other girls."
Probably better not mention my failed attempt at wooing Summers . . . "But like, do you personally mind? I won't go if you do."
She looked towards the ceiling as if considering her response. "Ummm, maybe I'd be jealous if she's cuter than me. Do you know her name or anything? The girl you'd be paired with?"
"Nope. Nemoto's friend wanted to keep it secret, so I'm in the dark just like him."
"Hmmmm, sus." Asagiri lifted up and started slurping milk from her bowl, making unhygienic noises. She wiped her lips when she finished. "Wait, couldn't he ask Mister Muscular instead of you for the double date?"
Mister Muscular was the nickname she'd given Mogami. She'd nicknamed all my coworkers by now. "Easy answer—because Mister Muscular would probably go home with both girls after the date."
"Oof, sounds about right. Chads get way more action than either of you." She was still oblivious to walking by Mogami at the movie theater months ago.
Dodged a huge bullet back then! I thought. But memory lane was a two-way street. I recalled how sad Asagiri seemed when I accidentally mentioned Noriko during our Kikuchi trip. And even when Noriko visited again recently, Asagiri went out of her way to avoid her. Why?
I walked up to the table and laid the blue popsicle in front of her, still wrapped. "Listen, you're not seeing the bigger picture. If this date goes well, and she eventually becomes my real girlfriend, what happens with you?"
"You tell me. I don't gotta leave unless you ask me to." Her hand was snaking towards the popsicle little by little. "Sneeeeeeak . . ."
I grabbed the popsicle before she reached it. "Tell me why you're fine with me seeing other girls, but not fine with Noriko being around?"
"Meanie! Why you putting me on the spot?" She leapt out of her chair and tried jumping for the popsicle in my hand. I held it high above us both so it was impossible to reach.
"Tell me why, and you'll get the popsicle," I calmly said.
"No fair! You hid the last one!" She kept trying in vain to hop up and reach it. "I'll bite you! For real! No lie!"
"Go for it. I'm into that."
Exhaustion finally got to her and she ceased her gymnastics. Asagiri was panting like a tired dog, which was more seductive than it should have been.
"Grrrrr . . . !" she growled. "Fine! What do you wanna know?"
I lowered the popsicle just a little bit. Her eyes zoomed in, as if calculating if she could reach it with another jump.
"Tell me why you don't like Noriko," I said. "You guys were great friends at first. What happened?"
With a defeated sigh, Asagiri took a slow seat at the table. "It's not like I don't like her. It's just sort of the way she acts."
"What do you mean?" I couldn't imagine anything offensive about Noriko, at least outwardly.
Asagiri fiddled with the spoon in her empty cereal bowl. It clanged around like a melancholic cymbal. "She doesn't act her age, I guess? Gives off the wrong vibes."
"Elucidate."
"Give pop' first." She opened up her palm on the table.
Probably can't continue negotiations further anyway. I obliged her request and placed the rocket-shaped, blue popsicle in her palm. She immediately tore the wrapping aside then shoved the treat in her mouth.
"Oh, cold! Ow! Brain freeze! Ah!" Her fingers tried soothing her teeth. "Note to self: don't ever bite straight into popsicles again."
I took a seat across from her on the table then looked her in the eyes. "Well? Continue."
She likely heard the seriousness in my voice, and dropped her playful act. Asagiri snuck one last lick of her popsicle then placed it in the cereal bowl.
"Nishikata," she started, "I know you're not telling me everything about your past with Noriko."
A cold sweat traveled down my neck. Huh? Did she somehow figure out Noriko's true identity? Am I screwed? But unless Noriko told her herself, the odds were near impossible. Even if Asagiri discovered Madonna's connection, she'd likely worship Noriko at her knees rather than stay distant. There was something else afoot.
"W-What are you getting at?" I stammered.
Her eyes leered into mine, like she was trying to peer into my mind. "You guys were more than just friends, but it doesn't matter now, does it? She's married. You lost."
Asagiri's piercing words harpooned a hole in my heart, but I did well to hide it. It's true I was beyond disorientated, disillusioned, and in disbelief when Noriko returned one day just to say she married someone. A few months later, she would vanish and then come back when Asagiri moved in. Apparently the whole charade was due to stalkers influencing Noriko's social life, but I always felt like it was just the iceberg's tip.
Noriko Mito's influence extended through far more than just words.
Off on the table's other end, Asagiri glared at me with annoyed eyes. It was clear she didn't like the subject matter, but was determined to see it through for answers to her own questions.
"Do you still have a crush on her?" Asagiri suddenly said. Her expression was dead serious.
"Huh? W-Why would I be into someone that's married?" I stammered again. "I'm not that desperate—probably."
Asagiri picked up her popsicle and gave it another lick. "Well, she doesn't act like she's married. That's probably what rubs me wrong."
Doesn't act like she's married? I tried recalling all of Noriko's new idiosyncrasies since returning into my life. She picked up smoking? Cut her hair? Doesn't act as flirty as she did before? Wait, why is she still acting flirty at all if she's married?
Asagiri continued her speech. "If you're married, it's not a good look to visit some guy's house by yourself, especially when he's technically supposed to be living alone. And she's come over several times already but acts a bit too familiar with you."
"Heh, you jealous or something?" I said with a smug grin.
"I'm serious," she replied. "Like, I'm flirty with you because you're my boyfriend, and it's fine if Kikuchi flirts with you because she's single. But Noriko? I dunno—I guess I just expect more decorum from someone married and way older than me."
"Ah, well—uhhh—haha, well, um . . ." I bumbled about trying to conjure a response. But Noriko's behavior really did seem odd for a married woman. As much as I wanted to attribute it to her always being flirtatious, surely she'd have more self-control after marriage?
Asagiri's mouth slowly opened to let out a cute yawn. She picked up her popsicle and then ventured to the fridge. "Like when she came over drunk and knocked out here—definitely not a good look. Makes you wonder if her husband is a cuck or something."
Cuck? Cuck! Cuck? "I don't know much about the guy, but I'm feeling kinda bad talking behind Noriko's back."
"Hmmm?" Asagiri peered around the open fridge door towards me. "Don't get me wrong; I still like her, but like, if she feels like acting single, then at least don't act single around my man."
From across the kitchen we stared at each other with wide, surprised eyes, as if our brains were still processing what was just said. Little by little, Asagiri’s face went beet red.
"You heard nothing," she said as she hid behind the fridge door.
"Already mentally recorded it."
"Well delete it!"
"Already made copies."
"Tear them apart!"
"Copy machine go brrrrrrr."
Asagiri started pouting and growling. Like a gremlin in pink pajamas, she closed the fridge door then scurried into the living room hallway.
“Stupid Nishikata!” She pointed her popsicle back towards me like a dagger. “No one likes a virgin! So go ahead and go on your lame date! See what I care! Humph!”
My girlfriend stormed up the stairs, making sure to stomp every step of the way.
Well that went better than expected, I thought from the kitchen table. Butterflies were fluttering about in my stomach. Maybe Asagiri really does like me? Should I try harder to woo her?
But that presented a new conundrum: If this date with Nemoto’s friend went well, what would that mean for Asagiri and me? Sure she said dating other women was fine, but if that earlier outburst signaled anything, she was still hiding some inner feelings.
And there was still Noriko. As much as I hated to admit it, I still harbored something of a weakness for her. But why she was acting so casual around me even though she’s married remained a mystery.
I picked up Asagiri’s empty cereal bowl and headed for the sink. This girl still isn’t picking up after herself even five months in . . .
Warm water washed over the bowl as I gave it a good rinse. The soapy bubbles around my hands puffed up in large amounts due to using copious soap.
Then the phone in my pocket started ringing.
"Huh? What?" I blurted to no one, panicking over the surprise. "No one ever calls me!"
I rinsed off my hands and quickly dried them on a towel. Still wet hands reached into my pocket and pulled out my blaring phone that almost went to voicemail.
"H-Hello?" I tried hard to not sound spooked. "This is Nishikata." Wait, who says their name when someone calls?
No reply. But I heard an odd rustling sound, like something rubbing against denim. Then the monotone voice of a young woman came through.
"Oh sorry, I butt dialed you, big bro." My little sister Chidori said.
"C-Chidori?" I yelled. My phone almost slipped out of my wet hand. "Oh, uh, how you been? What ya' been up to? Been a while since we've talked." The fuck is happening?
"Mm, well it was a butt dial, but I was gonna call soon anyway," Chidori replied. "Anyways, I didn't interrupt anything right?"
"Why would you? You know how I am—"
"Don't tell me you're still a virgin?" Her dull voice almost on par with Nemoto's went to town on me. "Asagiri has been living there for how long already? In my room no less? And she hasn't even deepthroated you yet?"
Urg . . . My sister was an enigma incarnate. She was a social—no—a sexual butterfly with an emotionless, monotone voice that did not fit her personality. I'd already long ago informed her about my government-issued girlfriend, and how someone would be moving into her room while she was away for college. It'd been mostly silence from Chidori up until this point, which was why the call arrived as such a shock.
"Um, GiGs don't really do that sort of stuff, haha," I replied to her. "Can't really ask Asagiri to deepthroat anythi—"
"Bro, bro. When I was a GiG, just a month in I was already deepthroating, swallowing, giving head, giving fellatio, blow job'ing, sucking off, sucking dick—all platonically back then though, don't get the wrong idea about me."
What's the correct idea supposed to be? But it's true. Chidori was a former government-issued girlfriend like Asagiri. Chidori's client just won the metaphorical lottery and obtained one of the most "affectionate" GiG's possible. They kept on dating even after their contract ended but I didn't know or care about recent details.
"W-Well," I babbled, "maybe Asagiri isn't that kind of person, haha." She's constantly joking about it though.
Brief silence on the other end of the line, then her phone slapped back onto her cheek. "Yeah sorry, my boyfriend texted me. That's actually what I wanted to call about."
"Hmmm?"
A deep breath and then I heard her let loose a huge exhale. "It's that time of the year, bro. I'm heading back home for the holidays soon, and I'll finally get to meet your moochy girlfriend."
Crap. "O-Oh, is that so? Haha. Yeah, mom and dad already surprise visited last month, so you're the only one left that hasn't met her."
"Mm. Should be fun. I'm mostly gonna be at my boyfriend's house though, reading bibles or something, yeah."
"Sure, sure. Let me know when you're on your way and I'll tidy stuff up by then."
"But where am I gonna sleep?"
Dang, that's right! I looked at the ceiling to try conjuring an answer. "Uhhh, well I can't exactly kick my girlfriend out of your room. Guest room then, I guess?"
"Stone-cold big bro making me sleep in the guest room at our own house, shaking-my-head." Noises like she just zipped up a backpack crept into my ear. "But we'll talk later, K'? Got a night class soon."
"For sure, haha. Take care, sis."
I hung up before she did, desperate to hide a mild amount of panting. My mind was overclocked, overloaded, overworked, and overburdened.
Noriko, Asagiri, the double-date, and now Chidori were all rushing through my head—each demanding attention like hungry children. Too much would be occurring over the coming days, and I was ill prepared for any of them.
My lower calf in denim pants felt a rubbing sensation. I looked down to see Furbolt nudging me with his head.
"Nyaa?" he meowed with small, concerned eyes. "Nyaa nyaa?"
"Oh, look at you trying to calm me down." I gently picked him up and brought him into my arms. "Furry bastard. I bet you're just excited Chidori is coming home."
"Nyaaaaaaa?"
"Yeah. She didn't wanna name you so I had to do it. I'm awesome, right?" I used my finger to rub his soft head.
"Nyaaaaaaa . . ." Soft, delightful purrs escaped his mouth. He tilted his head around for maximum exposure to my finger.
"Spoiled cat, spoiled ca—"
Out of the corner of my eye, the pinkness of someone's pajamas caught my attention. Peeking around the hallway corner was Asagiri with wide, dumbstruck eyes. She looked like she just stumbled across a crime scene.
"Uhhhh . . ." I couldn't articulate words. Only blabbers. Furbolt took the opportunity to leap out of my arms.
Off in the living room, Asagiri's brunette head slowly retreated back around the hall corner. "Take your schizo pills, Nishikata."
"It's a cat! People talk to pets when they're emotional! Wait!"
I chased after her up the stairs, though in an odd way, it felt like I was chasing after myself. Dignity was a curse that needed to be maintained, but at least a fraction of it would be needed to survive all the upcoming, wild zaniness soon to grace me.
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