Authenticity

How could anyone Love another Soul, if they can't even Love their own First?

This idea has been a constant struggle for all my life. As time went on, whether I liked it or not, I’ve come to recognize that there are multiple types of Love. I believe that it is important to fully understand what they are and to appreciate them. One being parental Love. I Love my parents with all my heart and I know they Love be equally if not more. There is also Love for Life, such as nature with little critters that inhabits it. Another is a Love for food and regular objects. I also include the Love for fictional characters from books and the like as the same type of Love.

The last two types of Love I’ve recognized so far are the Love for another Soul and the Love of one’s own Soul. Now, how does one go about achieving these magical feelings? One must be able to Love one’s own Soul before they can Love another. I’ve learned this from my parents. They didn’t get married until they knew themselves first. To my young mind, this does make perfect sense to me. Now, the only question that remains is. How do I begin this same journey of Self Love?

The best representation of this idea that I have witnessed first hand is of my parents' partnership. I look up to them to a great degree, their mannerisms, their actions, and how they treat me and one another. As I studied them, I’ve learned that the Love they share was something that I can only hope to experience someday. Thus, from analyzing them, probably too much. I can say that to Love another it is important to Love yourself.

To begin this path for true self Love---

“Hiromi! Would you like some help with your makeup???”

“Uhm, no, I’m good. Thanks!”

My mother. Always wanting to do my makeup for me. Even though I’ve been doing my own for several years now and not to mention she’s already has a good job as a makeup artist, I’ll never understand why she would want to do mine when she’s going to put makeup on plenty of other people today.

What was I saying? Oh yes, if I want to learn to love myself I need to live my life in the most authentic way possible. A way that is undeniably natural. Much like how my parents seemingly navigate their lives in a way that almost demands the respect and attention of others. That level of comfort and confidence will not be easy to achieve. In the time that I’ve been pondering the most efficient way to gain that same level of comfort and confidence. Was challenging, but I realized that my frame of thinking was too narrow, so I needed to start thinking outside the box. I, of course, was also inspired by my parents' actions again. I see them taking risks and going great lengths for something that will give them joy for only a short time. They simply love to experience aspects of life that most would never even dream of! Throughout my life they---

“Hiromi, are you close? I want to drop you off at school before I go to work, remember?”

“Um, yeah, be out in a minute!”

“Okay, I’ll be in the car!”

Crud, I better get going, I'll just finish my monologuing later. Before I left the bathroom I made one last examination of the detailed makeup I had crafted upon my face, to ensure that it was exactly how I wanted to represent myself. Despite the perfection that I’m able to display; I won't have the luxury to craft an outfit to compliment my makeup. In fact this is the first time in my life that I’ll be wearing a conventional school uniform to school. My last school was pretty small compared to most schools in the more populated cities, so we had no standard requirement for a uniform. Just needed something nice and neat. So it is a bit of a disappointment to be restricted to this crisp white blouse, pleated navy skirt, and these polished black shoes. The only bit of fashion I’m able to customize are the stockings. Nevertheless, I’m looking forward to seeing everyone with the same uniform.

Before I could even step out the door, my Mom instantly stopped me.

“Oh, there’s my lovely and magnificent little Hiromi!” She shouted with an abundance of loving vocals. I could see the loving heart shaped pupils in her eyes. She’s always been overly supportive with my interest in makeup and cosmetics.

“Thanks Mom…” I smiled awkwardly. I could feel my cheeks getting warm with embarrassment, luckily the blush I already had on was blending in with it.

She then went in for a hug. She quickly held on tightly, our chins rested on one another's. I let out a long winded sigh of complete comfort. No words needed to be said, the loving nature of mother and child was all that we needed.

“Okay, have a stellar day!” She let go with an excited beam.

I nodded and promptly made my way to Motoko’s car. Oddly this short walk to the car felt very long. I am worried about something? I just need to remind myself that that is a totally normal feeling to have. Moving to a new town and going to a very different school. Being a little anxious about the changing environment is very normal. The only difference is that my first day of the new school year is starting a week later than the rest of the students.

“Hey!”

I looked up and it was Motoko waiting in the car with the window rolled down to get my attention. I wasn’t surprised, I didn’t even realize it until she said something, but I was stationary next to the car. Perhaps I was more worried than I realized. With slow and little movement I sat in the car.

“You okay?” Motoko quickly proposed the simple question, she’s been very good at reading people.

“Yeah, I’ll be okay.” I smiled slightly.

She smiled with ease and backed out of the driveway onto the road to my new school. The drive was very short; only 5-6 minutes. After today, I’ll be walking to school. Which was what I planned on doing this morning but Motoko insisted on dropping me off. I guess to make sure I made it to school safely on the first day. Whatever the reason, we arrived quicker than I realized. I sat in the car without even noticing we had arrived.

I was obviously hesitant to leave the car.

“Are you sure you want to start school today? There's nothing wrong with wanting to wait a little longer.” Motoko mentioned with a relieving tranquility.

I sat silently staring at my fidgeting fingers, unsure of what to respond with. Or rather, I knew what to say but I didn’t know how to say it. Motoko simply wants the best for me and she’ll do everything in her power to make sure of that. I’m very fortunate to have her in my life. And is one of the reasons it can be difficult to talk to her at times. She knows what to say and the best way to say it.

“I think you’re ready.” She smiled at me.

The confidence in her voice almost forced me to turn my gaze at her. So that she can cheer me on further. She of course knew that I was struggling to find the right words to say back but wanted me to be confident and comfortable. So I simply reflected her smile with my own.

I finally left the car and watched Motoko dive away. Waving back at each other. I felt the need to cry for the first time today. Normally, I would have cried as soon as I woke up in the morning. I’ve been diligent thus far, so I can’t begin right now! Despite my tearful tendencies, I can save those tears for truly deserving moments!

I clenched my fist and my school bag with confidence, then confidently as possible I walked into my new school. Before I knew it everything began to be a little overwhelming. Meandering my way to the countless footwear lockers, next the small yet crowded halls, then entwined in the lengthy stairway. Finally arriving at my destination of classroom 2A, my homeroom. Slightly surprised in my delirious state, I was able to make it to the classroom without issue.

I unsurprisingly walked slowly into the classroom and quickly looked for the Yoshioka-Sensei. I analyzed the room as fast as possible to find the Yoshioka-Sensei. Without second thought to spare. My eyes found a man in a state of slight exhaustion glaring at his active students, barely standing upright at his desk by leaning on it with one arm. His face seemingly lined with fatigue.

I walked closer to get his attention. As I did, he turned in my direction. But as soon as our eyes met. I felt the quick jerk reaction to step back. Who I believe to be Yoshioka-Sensei; his eyes appeared to be depleted of energy. Oddly, not in a negative sense, it seems to be that the students were so incredibly lively and cheerful that it simply took a fair amount of energy from him. That certainly seems to be the case because he recognized that I wasn’t one of his usually loud students and remembered that I was attending today. Not only that, he attempted to get the attention of the classroom to likely introduce me. But this took several attempts to calm them down.

Yoshioka-Sensei was able to calm the class then promptly waved at me to walk in front of the classroom. I looked down at the smooth floor in obvious shyness. I’ve never seen so many kids my age in the same room before, I didn’t know where else to look.

“Class, allow me to introduce our new student. Please give your overzealous welcome to Hiromi Takeda.” Yoshioka-Sensei’s voice sounded as if was already running on fumes this early in the day.

“Yoroshiku onegaishimasu, Watashi no namae wa Hiromi Takeda desu!” I squeaked with erratic politeness, trying to be as formal as possible and bowing quickly.

Once I looked up, everyone was in an eerie silence. It was quite off putting for a new student. I was even more confused by their intrigued gaze. Was there something that I did? Did I say something strange? All I could do in the moment was flutter my eyes in confusion. I then quickly looked at Yoshioka-Sensei for some guidance in my situation.

“Yes, nice to----”

Yoshioka-Sensei was swiftly cut off by the entirety of the classroom’s overzealous clamor at my simple introduction. Their sudden outburst sent me stumbling backwards into the chalkboard behind me, using it as support so I didn’t fall over, this also caused me to drop my School Bag. Before I knew it two students were running up to me with an eagerness that can be only described as a puppy getting a new play toy.

“Hello! I’m Aoi, the class president.”

“And I’m Hinata, the-”

“You’re The what?!” Aoi quickly remarked with agitation.

“Hey, don’t interrupt me!” Hinata snapped back in disapproval.

“Don’t mind him, he doesn't know where he is right now.” Aoi smiled at me with a slightly embarrassed tone.

In my overstimulated state, I had no idea what to do at this moment. Then for a quick moment I vaguely heard the students muttering an amalgamation of words like cool, moe, kawaii, sugoi, cute, kirei. Unbeknownst to me, I was so bewildered from the class's overzealous excitement that none of the words that I thought I was hearing didn't even register in my brain. I truly did not know how to process all of this. Not in the slightest. So what did I do to process this enormous amount of positivity? I quickly fell to the floor and cried.

“Oh, nice going Hinata, you made her cry!” Aoi quickly pushed blame.

“Wait-- I didn’t-- It wasn’t my fault!” Hinata tried to defend himself.

My brain instantly made me have the thought that I needed to gather myself before I create an impression of myself that would be best to avoid. I could still hear Aoi-San and Hinata-San bickering back and forth as the rest of the class was either laughing at their antics or mudding words of concern as to why I retreated to the floor. As I prepared myself to stand back up to explain what happened. A new thought forced its way into my brain.

Wait... Her? Do they not know?

Oh, well. I’ll worry about it later… I need to help Yoshioka-Sensei gain control over the classroom. I can hear him groaning in defeat.

“Um, I’m sorry.. Heh.” I apologized as I stood up, letting out a small chuckle.

“It’s really nice to meet all of you. I come from a small school near the mountains, so I’ve never been around so many people my age before. So, I guess I got a little overstimulated. Haha…” I wiped the small amount of tears on my face, then smiled at the classroom.

“I know how you feel… How about you take a seat over there.” Yoshioka-Sensei remarked as if he was in a deep hole.

I eagerly scurried to my desk so that I would no longer be the center of attention. As I did, I could hear Aoi-San and Hinata-San going at it again while Yoshioka-Sensei lamented at the joyous instability of his classroom.

My desk is near the center but still close to the door so I’m able to see most of the class from this position, and I couldn't help but look around at the other classmates, excited and curious about the new faces I’ll be learning. The smile on my face felt so genuine that I was a little embarrassed by it. With the rush of blood into my cheeks, I just knew they were turning red with glee even more so. With that realization I attempted to cover my cheeks with my hands as naturally as possible. Unsurprisingly, the other students next to me noticed, but thankfully they just smiled back with support to then return their attention to the Yoshioka-Sensei.

Darn it I cried! Already! I can’t believe it, I really wanted to at least wait until I got home. Ahh! I need to relax… But this is all too weird! How am I supposed to act right now!

Oh, I just need to pay attention! Duh, like a normal student would. Yeah, easy enough.

“EEP-!!!” The school bell rang, and I was so startled that I released a quick squeak, but hopefully I covered my mouth fast enough so no one heard me.

Oh geez, I was in a constant state of disbelief the entire class, my thoughts of worry running about in my head distracting from paying attention to Yoshioka-Sensei! I didn’t even take notes!

“Hiromi-chan!”

“Eep!” I was startled once again but this time it was Aoi-San quickly making herself known.

“Hey, let me talk to her! Sorry about that, Hiromi-chan. She can be kinda annoying.” Hinata-San then appeared so quickly in the place of Aoi-San. It looked like a magic trick.

“Hey! You can’t do that, I'm the Class President, and a girl!” Aoi angrily criticized.

“Tch, barley.” Hinata retaliated with a superiority.

I could see that Aoi-San was about to burst into an unstoppable rage. I had the instinct to prevent that outburst from happening. So I said the first thing that came to mind.

“The weather’s pretty different…” I had no idea why that was the first thought in my head. Fortunately they went along with it.

“Oh, yeah, you’re from the mountains right?” Hinata pondered.

“She’s not from the mountains, she lived near the mountains... Uhg!” Aoi rolled her eyes in disappointment.

“Yeah, the climate is a little different from what I’m used to. Heh, heh.” I let out a small giggle.

“Well we hope you’ll like it here. As I’m sure you’ve noticed we’re kinda lively bunch.” Aoi relaxed her tone into an uplifting and prideful manner.

“Absolutely, we have a lot of fun here, so we're looking forward to getting to know you!” Hinata added with excitement.

“Thank you! I’m looking forward to it too.” I smiled, this time more naturally.

“Great! Let me show you where the other students like to eat for lunch!” Aoi stood up with readiness.

I agreed with a smile and stood up with Aoi-San. I then made a quick glance around the room to familiarize as many of my classmates as possible. As I did, I saw one classmate that caught my eye for some reason. They sat in the very back of the classroom, right next to the window. They sat aloof, one hand supporting their head as they gazed out the window with a mysterious intensity. They’re dark unruly hair slightly covered one of their eyes. Despite having the same uniform as the boys, there's felt different somehow.

Before I could think of this student’s strange aura. Aoi-San and Hinata-San started to walk away, so I caught up to them but before I did. I got one more glance at the strange student, as I did they looked at me. Our eyes met and I could almost hear their spin chilling thoughts. Which caused my face to twist in a slightly odd way.

“Oh, by the way Hiromi-chan. Since you haven’t been here the first week. You are more than welcome to copy my notes if you need to!” Aoi thankfully distracted me.

“Wow, thanks!” I smiled and walked with the two to enjoy my first lunch at my new school!

◑ ◒ ◓ ◐

The day has come to a bittersweet end. My first day at a regular high school was filled with unforgettable highs and weird lows. A day that I will always remember.

Leaving the school, I waved goodnight to my classmates that I got the chance to talk to. Even though Motoko drove me to school, I wanted to walk back home. That way I can still learn the route to and from school on my first day. I drew out a little map as a helpful reminder. Not the best map but it did the job. I was able to make it home without issue.

I walked to the door of my home and saw that Motoko's car was in the driveway, she is the only one that dives. I wasn't sure if Mom was home yet, since she takes the train to get to her work. I felt an overwhelming sensation of unease for some reason. I think it was simply because I had a wild ride of emotional tension and I was relieved to be home, as well as the eagerness to tell my parents about how it went.

“Tadaima!” I announced as I walked in my home.

Slowly removing my shoes and letting out a small sigh. I saw that Mom’s shoes were also near the doorstep. I felt a small smile pop on my face. I walked in the kitchen and instantly saw the two people I respect and admire the most. They look as if they’ve been waiting for me as soon as I walk in the door. Their faces have a look of concern. I had no idea why such an expression, did something happen before I got home, or at their jobs?

“Hiromi… How was your first day?” Motoko slowly asked as Mom patiently waited for my response.

Then it hit me. I could finally feel my cheeks again get warmer and warmer with every passing second. My eyes began to blink uncontrollably. After this long day of the struggles of a new student. The lingering sense of worry began to fade and even quicker was positive thoughts rushed through my mind all at once.

“I had the best day ever!!!”

I absolutely lost all sense of control as I erupted into tears of overwhelming joy and relief. I screamed louder than I ever had before. The cathartic sensation of crying my eyes out was so incredible. The anxiety, the worry, the unknown. All went away and all I was looking forward to was the next day of school.

Mom quickly rushed over to hug me in excitement as Motoko fell back into her chair in relief that my day went well. Recognizing that I started crying before explaining that I had a good day, I apologized to them both for making them worry. Even if it was for a short moment. The three of us then sat at the dinner table over the nice meal Mom prepared. After everything, I didn’t really have much to share, but my readiness to tell them how my day went was visible on my face. I quickly and inconsistently told my parents the short yet amazing story of my new school.

At the end of the day. All that can be said it will always be difficult to be prepared for what life might have in store for someone. The journey of self discovery and Love won’t happen in one day. I believe it is important for myself to give way to these small and simple moments in life. My journey will continue tomorrow, and the day after, and as long as it needs to. I just need to relax and do my best! Everything will come naturally!