White Lie?

Her…

Her, Her, Her… She?

He, Him, His…

An artist will often stand motionless in front of their blank canvas, filled with anticipation and creative energy on the endless possibilities that await for said artist. I too stand motionless before my blank canvas that is my face. With too many avenues to take and too many ways to express myself. Gazing in the mirror, unsure of what to craft. My mind wanders and begins to lose concentration of the task at hand.

After having such a great day yesterday, it was difficult to pinpoint exactly what I should be doing today. I suppose it is best to continue the traditional life as a High School student. However, the unexpected situation has become quite apparent. Do I continue High School as a Girl or a Boy? The internal struggle I had never even conceived until now. How fitting? My second day of High School and there is a chance I’ll have to lie about who I am. So much for being authentic.

Nevertheless, I was able to eventually craft my next visual masterpiece. Since my state of mind is rather low, I’ve taken a more mundane approach. Using more blues and purples. Whereas yesterday I used welcoming colors that evoked new beginnings. Such as yellowish and orange hues.

Him, him, him, him…

She/Her…

As I finished, I continued to toss around the nature of pronouns to myself. I’ve never heard anyone use them in front of me before. The masculine side feels more natural when I say it out loud. I don’t know if it is strange for others, but I don’t mind hearing She or Her in reference to me. The dilemma I have is do I let my classmates know what I prefer? They clearly already believe me to be a girl. I guess they aren’t wrong if they are going on appearance. Is there any harm in not saying anything at all? If they find out that I’m a Boy and never tell them. What will they think of me?

“AHhahghghgh!” I released a long winded audible sigh of grief.

This is just perfect. I had such a good day now all the new anxieties make themselves known!

I made one more quick glance at my makeup before I left the bathroom. Then I saw that Motoko was about to leave because she had her things ready and gave Mom a peck on the cheek.

“Bye, have a nice day, Love you both.” Motoko announced as she walked out the door.

“Ohayō, my little Hiromi!” Mom smiled at me with a naturally loving tone.

“Ohayō…” I mimicked as I sat done for a quick breakfast Mom had made.

I looked at her as she handed me my plate of food. I know that face. She knows that something is on my mind. For me, in this household. Nothing will ever get past them. It’s like they can read people's minds and at times it can be so unnerving. Something that will always stay stuck in my mind is when I was younger; I got so frustrated with how accurate they were when it came to picking up on my emotions and inner thoughts. They simply replied that ‘We just have a High Emotional Intelligence.’

“Haah…” I quickly sighed knowing I had to tell her what was on my mind. Mom’s Emotional Intelligence seems so unmatched that I don’t even know if my own Emotional Intelligence is even there!

I still felt the need not to explain exactly what was going on in my head. So I had to quickly think of something that will still be helpful and satisfy Mom’s glare of maternal protection.

“So, um, Mom… Have you ever had to keep a secret but it wasn’t like a bad one? Because it would just be better if no one knew about it.” I asked slowly.

“Oh, you mean like a white lie?” She remarked as she sat down at the dinner table with me.

“What’s that?” I asked with intrigue.

“So, it’s like a small fib, a secret that isn’t important for someone to know about.” Mom explained.

“Do you have any white lies?” I asked.

“Heh, well sure. I suppose I’ve kept a few with Motoko… Heaven only knows the total she has.” Mom giggled, followed by a thoughtful sigh.

“Huh? Really?” I looked at her with curiosity.

“Uh, um, yeah, but it’s totally a normal thing, okay? Especially for married couples.” She quickly explained with a wink.

“Oh, okay. I think I understand the purpose. Thanks Mom.” I remarked.

“Good, now let’s finish up so we can get our day started.” She smiled then we soon finished our meal and walked out the door together hugging one another goodbye.

◑ ◒ ◓ ◐

Navigating to the school was pretty easy, especially once I started to see other students walking the same direction. Although, getting to my classroom was still a bit of a daunting task. There are so many ways I could easily get lost. I’ve hardly explored the school, so I need to learn the layout fast to avoid that somewhat embarrassing outcome. Luckily, if that were to happen, everyone seems really nice and easy to talk to.

The second I walked into the classroom, it was loud and boisterous as yesterday. Once my presence was known, many of the students got even more excited. I could see Yoshioka-Sensei falling deeper in the daily struggle to maintain balance in the classroom. I couldn’t help but feel bad that just me being here made some students even more uncontrollable. Fortunately, as soon as the bell rings everyone understands that they are still at school to learn, and they quiet down eventually to pay attention.

After yesterday, today feels so much more relaxed and more what I expect daily life at school to be. Sitting at somewhat comfortable desk chairs, analyzing the many textbooks throughout the day, giving the teacher’s full attention, scribbling notes upon note for a test to take every month. I’ve been slowly getting acquainted with my other classmates. Other than the occasional long awkward stare that some of the other students outside of my class tend to exhibit. A day like today is indeed more than I expected and hope to expect.

“Hiromi-Chan!” At the end of the last period, Hinata quickly made an appearance. This time much less abruptly.

“Hello, Hinata-San, how are you?” I asked politely.

“Good, how’s your second day so far??” He with a large smile.

“Very good, everyone is so nice and the energy they have is very enjoyable to be part of.” Continuing my polite tone.

“That’s great!” Aoi interjected with pride, along with a cute exchange of hand waves between her and I.

“Hey, so are you free for a little bit? Hinata and I want to show you some of the clubs.” She explained.

“Oh, yeah, I’ll just have to let my parents know that I’ll be hanging after school for a little bit.” I remarked with excitement.

“Great! Just let me know when you are ready and we’ll get started!” Aoi replied with a delighted beam.

◑ ◒ ◓ ◐

Aoi and Hinata took me to the upper floors of the school where most of the after school activities take place. On the way, I again thought about my identity. What triggered it was the usage of ‘Chan’, a traditionally feminine and casual honorific. I think the only I’ve heard it used on me when I was very young, so it felt kinda childish to hear. I then thought that it is not as easy to determine the gender of young kids at first glance and children in general pretty much all look alike to some degree. Because of that, I kind of find it interesting for someone to be all agog with what is in-between another person's legs. Regrettably, this thought has made my own choices more difficult to solve.

“Oh, Hiromi-Chan!” Thankfully Aoi got my attention before I got too lost in my thoughts.

“Hum?” I mumbled.

“I wanted to say yesterday but I forgot. But I really like your makeup and leggings! The bright colors on your lips and eyes with the glittery leggings! It was like a starry sunset!” Aoi explained with excitement.

“Oh, really? Thanks, I was going for a sunny new day.” I remarked.

“I told you it was more like a sunrise.” Hinata quickly added.

“Pfft, I suppose that makes more sense.” Aoi let out a quick and sharp breath of annoyance that Hinata was right.

“Yeah, I kinda felt that I might have overdid it. That’s why my makeup isn’t super creative today, heh.” I scratched the back of my head, somewhat embarrassed.

“No, not at all. There’s no one in this school that is that good with makeup! Some of us wish we were that skilled.” Aoi praised with glee.

“Oh, it’s nothing really. I’d be more than happy to show you a few tips sometime.” I remarked with a happy yet meek grin.

“That would be awesome!” Aoi screamed with joy.

“If you are done, can we show Hiromi-Chan the first club?” Hinata asked with a mild temper.

“Ahem, yes well, let us show you the first one.” Aoi cleared her throat, in the attempt to seem professional.

◑ ◒ ◓ ◐

Aoi-San and Hinata-San gave me a perfect tour of the clubs. I was a bit overwhelmed by the number of clubs that this school has. Art, Literature, Kado [Japanese flower arrangement], Sado [Japanese tea ceremony], Shodo [Japanese calligraphy]. These were just the clubs that are the popular ones! They mentioned that there are plenty more smaller ones that some students started themselves. Not to mention there are more active clubs, like School Band, Choir, Drama, and of course Sports.

“So, Hiromi-Chan, is it alright if we can show you the rest tomorrow? I have to go do Class President stuff, and Hinata has his own club to go to.” Aoi mentioned.

“Oh, yeah, that’s no problem, there’s so much to choose from already. I’ll need time to think, heh.” I remarked, with an awkward giggle.

“Is there one that you are thinking about?!” Hinata asked with glee.

“Umm, kinda, I like the Shodo club and the Art club. Also the Kado seems pretty nice to be around!!” I replied with enthusiasm.

“Awesome, hope you find something you like… Are you okay?” Aoi used mid sentence to ask the question of concern.

“Ohoo, I’m sorry! Everyone is just so nice and I’ve been so nervous to start in such a big school, but you all have been so helpful, and, and…” I became a little overjoyed and released some happy tears.

“Goodness, it’s our pleasure!!! We love to help out our fellow students!” Aoi was quick to grab my hands in support.

“That’s right! If you need something just ask us!” Hinata was also quick to show his support.

“Thanks, and I’ll help you too if you need it!” I remarked with confidence.

“Ah, Hiromi-Chan! You are just too adorable! I need to make my leave before I explode with joy!” Aoi yelled dramatically before she hopped away.

“Alright? Okay Hiromi-Chan, see you tomorrow!” Hinata said with confusion, and waved goodbye.

Despite starting the day with a new set of anxieties. The nice personalities that I’ve been witnessing have really inspired me to be my best while I’m here. I can say that I’ll be leaving school today with a much more positive outlook than what I felt this morning. With joyful anticipation of the future.