Breathing Underwater (Edit)

Sadness enveloped my heart, and helplessness engulfed my mind as I agonized over my fate. In a breakdown, I closed my eyes. Shortly, I was astounded by the sight in front of me.

Drowning in a deep sea, a glimmer of light shone above me, which got dimmer every second.

I felt something heavy keep pulling me down as I sank deeper, further away from the surface.

Looking down, I saw that I am tied with chains, with five iron weights pulling me into the depth of the sea. Each has writings on it, which for each they wrote: “Despair”, “Sorrow”, “Powerlessness”, “Envy”, and “Anxiety”.

I tried to break free from the chains, but it didn’t even budge.

I tried to swim upward, but I kept sinking even deeper and deeper.

I tried reaching the light with my right hand, only for it to completely vanish as everything turned dark.

I tried everything…

I gave up.

I let myself sink further and further as I submitted to my helplessness.

As I lost my will to fight, I opened my eyes in sadness as the coach continued his speech.

“For now, learn from your teammates and focus on honing your skills. Even if you can’t beat them and take their position this year, you can make it to the roster next year.”

Thinking that the coach was trying to offer some empty encouragement, I got angry at him. After all, it’s just an excuse for the coach to not play the useless guys, not killing the players’ potential or whatnot.

By saying that the players couldn’t improve themselves, he could make an alibi for himself. He can put a few players in reserves for an entire season, or even until graduation. They won’t even play in the matches until it is over for their careers.

“This is just the start, don’t give up!” The coach shouted.

Did he just say ‘Don’t give up’? It’s easy for him to say that! He doesn’t know our struggles…

Wait, struggles?

The memories of the girl I met in the library flashed through my mind. I clearly remember she was sad as she talked on the phone. We are both struggling like stranded fish.

We are quite similar.

But there’s a clear difference between her and me. Even though we are both struggling, she stayed strong and was able to smile. And here I am, depressed beyond the point of saving. I can’t believe I have lower mental fortitude than her.

I’m so pathetic.

On top of it, I remembered that I spoke boldly to her.

“Nothing in this world is easy, you know?”

I could only laugh at myself, eating my own words.

Closing my eyes once more, I could see that the situation hasn’t changed at all. I'm still drowning in the sea, and my hands are reaching toward the surface, trying to grab into something in between as I was looking at glimpse of light in the distance.

Contemplating, my struggle reminds me of my father’s. I vividly remember how he was still trying to play a match with an injured ankle. Even with such an injury, he was still trying to achieve his goals and didn’t give up until the end.

He had faced bigger hurdles than me, yet he fought to the end. And here I am, on the verge of giving up, while trying to fulfill his unrealized dream.

What a fucking joke! I can’t give up here!

*Crack*

As a sudden crack sound coming from below me, I instinctively looked at the direction, only to find that the weight with “Despair” has just shattered to smaller pieces, each fell apart to the bottomless ocean.

At that moment, I realized… For me to swim upward, I have to get rid of these weights that plagued my soul and mind. These weights are my inner demons, and I have to get rid of them in order to move forward.

With the enlightenment, I go through each text, one by one.

“Sorrow”

Turning my face upward, I see Jessica’s smiling face flashing before me, encouraging me to keep going. Her encouraging voice echoed in my ears.

“Keith! I’m rooting for you!”

I’m not alone…

I shook my head to gain my composure.

Oh, come on. I can’t stay in this misery for long. I have to get over with this pathetic state. She even smiled when facing her troubles, why can’t I do the same? Don’t act like you are an inconsolable bastard, you idiot!

*Crack*

“Powerlessness”

I started to imagine the burden that the real players carried on their shoulders. How hard they train, honing their skills even further. Despite making it there, they still practice hard every day.

Then how about those bench warmers or reserves in the team? They are still fighting for a spot to this day.

For them, doing training just like the regular members do won’t make the cut, because not only they improve day by day, the regulars are also growing up at their own pace.

So that they can scale a wall called “talent”, they have to spend more “effort” and “time” than others. Where the others are taking a break or having fun in their lives, those “nobodies” has to go extra miles to catch up.

I have to work harder!

*Crack*

“Envy”

I thought I have got over it, but it seems I’m still envious of those on the top. Carlos has chosen to be sixth-man, and Jamal snatched my position from me and got accepted, but me? I was left behind.

Honestly, it’s not a wrong thing to look at them, as you can actually set them to ignite a fire under you. But it seems it make me self-depreciate myself and put me into misery instead.

In a way, I mustn’t compare myself to everything they do. They have their own life, path to success, their strengths and weaknesses. Sure, they seemed to be off a great start now, but what matters is not where you start, but where you finish.

Instead of looking at them with envy, I should set them as a target, a goal to achieve. And instead of trying to mimic or copy what they can do, I should find my own strength.

I am myself!

*Crack*

“Anxiety”

It seems it made me scared… Scared of having a bleak future as I unable to secure my position in the team. I mean, it’s normal to be anxious about the future, but would stressing about it helps?

I can’t let my worries stunt my growth, can I?

*Crack*

Now, all the weights are gone, shattered to pieces… But the chains remain, indicating I still have to completely forget about them and still have some lingering emotion on it. I have to let them go completely before I can move on.

For the past is the past, and tomorrow is uncertain… But today, I will move forward.

And suddenly, the chains that restricted my movement to certain extend just shattered and fell off.

I have been set free.

No longer weighted down, I quickly swim toward the surface. The glimmering ray of light became brighter, which blinds my eyes.

As everything turning white, I slowly open my eyes with tears cascading down my cheeks. My welled eyes impaired my vision, I wiped them off, clearing my sights.

As a grown man, I have to stay strong. Crying isn’t for men.

Looking forward, I saw the coach talking with Carlos and one upperclassman. If my memories were correct, the upperclassman was Carlos’s matchup in the scrimmage.

“It’s so unfair, coach!” The upperclassman was angry at the coach.

“How come a freshman like him….” He pointed his right finger at Carlos. “Becomes the sixth man of the team? I had been here for three years, coach. Three years! And you always treat me like this, moving me down the rotations all the time! First, it was Tony, and now him? I can’t accept this!”

“Whoa, buddy, calm down. Don’t talk to the coach like that.” Carlos tried to calm him down.

“Shut up! I didn’t talk to you.” The upperclassman pointed his finger toward Carlos’s face.

“Ryan, look.” The coach closed his coaching board and walked up to the upperclassman. “I told you that I don’t care about trivial stuff. If your performance is good, you will play more. If you lack skills, your playtime gets smaller. It’s the same for everyone.”

“I’m giving the seat to Carlos because he won against you, fair and square. If you don’t like it, then practice harder and make some results. You need to perform to play longer, that’s all.” The coach concluded, turning his face away from Ryan and Carlos.

I see… The coach takes a result-oriented approach. No matter who it is, the coach will give players who perform well more time in the match, giving people who can’t make a difference on the field less time. It’s a cruel approach, and yet, realistic and makes sense at the same time.

As he said, I must hone my skills if I want to move up in the rotation. In short, I have to produce results.

Gripping my fist, I decided on myself: I have to train myself and practice to be good enough to move up in the rotation.

As I was thinking for myself, Carlos walked into me.

“Yo, buddy, we made it.”

“Yeah… You are the sixth man, though!” I chuckled. “You are far better off than me.”

“Nah, man… Don’t be like that.” He smirked.

He turned my head with his hands.

“Do you see these dozens of people? You’ve already beaten them to get yourself a spot on the team, while they going back home empty handed. Cheer up, brudda.”

That’s right. I had beaten them to get this spot. Even as a reserve, even as a bench warmer, I surpassed these dozens of people. I should be proud of myself.

As I thought about it, I remembered her speech in the library again.

“Seriously, you are too humble. Give yourself credit, you know?”

Heh, she was right all along.

I smiled, amused that I was indirectly motivated by her, instead of encouraging her. Looking at my buddy before me, I smiled wide as I responded to him.

“Yeah, thank you, buddy. I appreciate it.”

Carlos lightly taps my shoulder with his right fist.

“Sure, that’s what friends for, rite’?” He closes his eyes while tilting his head, smiling.

We were looking at each other, trying to hold our laughter.

“Pfft! Pua-ha-ha!”

Ultimately, we couldn’t hold it anymore and burst into laughter. A lot of people were looking at us, but we didn’t care.

Is this what it means to have a buddy? I thought to myself as we had our fun.

I ignited my passion to pursue my basketball dream once again. After all, my basketball journey at the university had just begun.