Breathing Underwater (Edited)

Sadness enveloped my heart, as I agonized over my fate. I am pulled down by a weight so heavy, so heavy that I was drowning into the abyss like no tomorrow. I looked down, only to see I was chained with a big, rusty yet heavy anchor that was tied in my stomach.

I tried to untangle the chains, but it won’t even budge.

I tried to swim upward toward the ray of light that shone dimly, but it keeps getting dimmer.

I tried everything…

I gave up.

Amidst the depth of the deep sea where only darkness existed, I let myself sink further and further as I submitted to my helplessness.

There’s no use struggling and fighting and fighting an impossible battle. A dream is a dream, anyway.

However, as I was thinking of how my struggle was pointless, the memories of the girl I met in the library flashed through my mind. I clearly remember she was sad as she talked on the phone. We are both struggling like stranded fish.

We are quite similar.

But there’s a clear difference between her and me. Even though we are both struggling, she stayed strong and was able to smile. And here I am, depressed beyond the point of saving. I can’t believe I have lower mental fortitude than her.

I’m so pathetic.

On top of it, I remembered that I spoke boldly to her.

“Nothing in this world is easy, you know?”

I could only laugh at myself, eating my own words.

Contemplating, my struggle reminds me of my father’s. I vividly remember how he was still trying to play a match with an injured ankle. Even with such an injury, he was still trying to achieve his goals and didn’t give up until the end.

He had faced bigger hurdles than me, yet he fought to the end. And here I am, on the verge of giving up, while trying to fulfill his unrealized dream.

What a fucking joke! I can’t give up here!

Turning my face upward, I see Jessica’s smiling face flashing before me, encouraging me to keep going. Her encouraging voice echoed in my ears.

“Keith! I’m rooting for you!”

I’m not alone…

I shook my head to gain my composure and talked to myself.

Oh, come on. I can’t stay in this misery for long. I have to get over with this pathetic state. She even smiled when facing her troubles, why can’t I do the same? Don’t act like you are an inconsolable bastard, you idiot!

Snapped out of it, I tried to swim upward. But no matter what I do, I just can’t move upward.

Even if I try, I still won’t get anything done.

Suddenly, I remembered about the bench warmers in a professional team. Outshined by the starters, and nobody looks at them. They are trying their best, but they still didn’t make the cut for the team, and yet, they still fighting for a spot to this day.

For them, doing training just like the regular members do won’t make the cut, because not only they improve day by day, the regulars are also growing up at their own pace.

I began to imagine the burden that the real players carried on their shoulders. How hard they train, honing their skills even further. Despite making it there, they still practice hard every day and improve themselves to stay ahead of the competition.

Then, what about the bench players, or even the reserves and bench warmers? If they want to scale a wall called “talent”, they have to spend more “effort” and “time” than others. Where the others are taking a break or having fun in their lives, those “nobodies” has to go extra miles to catch up.

And what about me? Did I even put half as much effort than them?

I have to work harder!

Fueled with determination, I swim upward as hard as I can, but it seems I still can’t move upward, like something hold me in place.

As my effort was in vain, my mind started to wonder in various directions…

Only if I was as good as Carlos…

It doesn’t take me long until I realized that I am envious of Carlos and other teammate that made it. Carlos has chosen to be sixth-man, and Jamal snatched my position from me and got accepted, but me? I was left behind.

Honestly, I don’t think that it’s wrong to look at them, as you can actually set them to ignite a fire under you. But it seems it make me self-depreciate myself and put me into misery instead.

In a way, I mustn’t compare myself to everything they do. They have their own life, path to success, their strengths and weaknesses. Sure, they seemed to be off a great start now, but what matters is not where you start, but where you finish.

Instead of looking at them with envy, I should set them as a target, a goal to achieve. And instead of trying to mimic or copy what they can do, I should find my own strength.

I am myself!

Slowly, I discarded any negative thought, and focus on swimming upward. And as I did, the chains with the heavy anchor that weighted me down just slipped off me. At that moment, I come to a realization:

It was me who dragged myself down.

It was me who paralyzed my own self.

It was me who stops myself to move forward.

It was all me…

All of this was just a bullshit fight I had with my inner demons. I wasn’t drowning for real, this is just in my subconsciousness, but it almost breaks my spirit completely and stop me pursuing my dream forever.

And now, I have to cleanse my mind, I have to stop worrying about the future, because I have to move on and keep going.

The future may look bleak and grim, the path may be filled with thorns and nails, but whatever happens, we have to keep on fighting. Only regret awaits people that gave up.

No longer shackled down by my own emotions, I quickly swim toward the surface. The glimmering ray of light became brighter, which blinds my eyes.

As everything turning white, I slowly open my eyes with tears cascading down my cheeks. My welled eyes impaired my vision, I wiped them off, clearing my sights.

As a grown man, I have to stay strong. Crying isn’t for men.

Looking forward, I saw the coach talking with Carlos and one upperclassman. If my memories were correct, the upperclassman was Carlos’s matchup in the scrimmage.

“It’s so unfair, coach!” The upperclassman was angry at the coach.

“How come a freshman like him….” He pointed his right finger at Carlos. “Becomes the sixth man of the team? I had been here for three years, coach. Three years! And you always treat me like this, moving me down the rotations all the time! First, it was Tony, and now him? I can’t accept this!”

“Whoa, buddy, calm down. Don’t talk to the coach like that.” Carlos tried to calm him down.

“Shut up! I didn’t talk to you.” The upperclassman pointed his finger toward Carlos’s face.

“Ryan, look.” The coach closed his coaching board and walked up to the upperclassman. “I told you that I don’t care about trivial stuff. If your performance is good, you will play more. If you lack skills, your playtime gets smaller. It’s the same for everyone.”

“I’m giving the seat to Carlos because he won against you, fair and square. If you don’t like it, then practice harder and show me results. You need to perform well to play longer, that’s all.” The coach concluded, turning his face away from Ryan and Carlos.

I see… The coach takes a result-oriented approach. No matter who it is, the coach will give players who perform well more time in the match, giving people who can’t make a difference on the field less time.

It’s a cruel approach, and yet, realistic and makes sense at the same time.

As he said, I must hone my skills if I want to move up in the rotation. Otherwise, nothing will change

Clenching my fist, I decided on myself: I have to train myself and practice to be good enough to move up in the rotation.

As I was thinking for myself, Carlos walked into me.

“Yo, buddy, we made it.”

“Yeah… You are the sixth man, though!” I chuckled. “You are far better off than me.”

“Nah, man… Don’t be like that.” He smirked.

He turned my head with his hands.

“Do you see these dozens of people? You’ve already beaten them to get yourself a spot on the team, while they going back home empty handed. Cheer up, brudda.”

That’s right. I had beaten them to get this spot. Even as a reserve, even as a bench warmer, I surpassed a few dozens of people. I should be proud of myself.

As I thought about it, I remembered her speech in the library again.

“Seriously, you are too humble. Give yourself credit, you know?”

Heh, she was right all along.

I smiled, amused that I was indirectly motivated by her, instead of encouraging her. Looking at my buddy before me, I smiled wide as I responded to him.

“Yeah, thank you, buddy. I appreciate it.”

Carlos lightly taps my shoulder with his right fist.

“Sure, that’s what friends for, rite’?” He closes his eyes while tilting his head, smiling.

We were looking at each other, trying to hold our laughter.

“Pfft! Pua-ha-ha!”

Ultimately, we couldn’t hold it anymore and burst into laughter. A lot of people were looking at us, but we didn’t care.

Is this what it means to have a buddy? I thought to myself as we had our fun.

I ignited my passion to pursue my basketball dream once again. After all, my basketball journey at the university had just begun.