Record no.1

Who am I? It doesn't matter. My name doesn't matter. Names don't matter at all, unless you need to call things in some way (humans seem to be unable to bear idea of not naming things). But who needs to call me?

Nobody. 

I am alone, alone in this endless universe. Its endlessness overwhelms me as much as it fascinates me, however what's the point of exploring it further?

Life is too short to accomplish anything meaningful.. 

Everything is pointless, what's the point of living anyway? Dying is just as (if not more) pointless as living though..

Humans essentially do not differ from other lifeforms, right? 

We try to make our lifes more sophisticated, meaningful. But our need of feeling special is just a result of cursed consciousness we were gifted with along with out intelligence. Still, everyone around me behaves just like mere animals. All they think about is reproduction and material gratification. 

How filthy.

The pleasure of my life is the rebellion against the code. I won't fulfill the needs of my body, I will act against them. I won't follow the expected path of life. I shall remain my passive, nihilistic self till the very end. This will be my satisfaction.

                                                                            ***

I feel despair.

 I experience severe boredom as well so I decided to act against my passive beliefs and take an action. I decided to observe and analyse another being of my kind.

Or rather of kind opposite to mine. I keep a record of her actions and do my best to interpret them. Does it make me a creep? Yes.

But it cannot be condemned if it's all for the educational purpose, can it?

I used my (empty) English notebook. After the mid-season seats change I acquired the perfect spot - last desk by the window, and that's where everything started.One day I casually looked outside through the window (honestly, having a window there was pointless because all you could see was just a dirty, gray wall of neighbour building and a small 'yard' covered with kinda dry grass) with just one old bench which looked like it could collapse at any moment.

On that one, memorable day I saw a creature approaching the bench courageously, which was quite an extraordinary event. I've never seen any human being enter this unfriendly area.She - I assumed it was a 'she' because of a skirt she was wearing (part of school uniform, I suppose) but there was no other feature to confirm my thesis. She was way too tall for a girl and way too muscular. I wouldn't call her bulky but rather very athletic, her body build seemed however slender and her movements were agile and gracious. Not in a ladylike way though, more like movements of majestic animal. Her black hair was short (half neck) and her bangs was long, way too long.

That's all I could tell looking from afar. She reminded me more of a rare beast than a human and so she caught my interest.

She approached the bench, stood in front of it for a few minutes staring blankly in the space and then sat. Well tried to. As expected the bench collapsed and so did the girl (blue boxers showed (just for record)). She was lying now on the pile of rotten wood staring into space again. I couldn't help but smirk. Just how funny is it to see someone fall? To my surprise she firstly grinned and then started laughing foolishly.

Annoying.

She made sure nobody was around and proceed to destroy the remainings for the bench aggressively. (What the heck?). When she finished she just stood there again smilling, proud of her result - sad pile of violated wood.

Bizzare.

She flinched and looked up. I could've swear our eyes met and she grinned at me. I sensed insanity in that smile. It intrigued me. She kept coming there almost everyday since then but our eyes never met again. Maybe I imagined it..?

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The truth is.. I see things.. Whether they are real or not I can't trust my senses anymore. What exactly is.. madness..?