Hero Kicks Things Up a Notch

“Ah.”

“Huh?”

“Wait, you’re...”

The demon lord, elf-maid, and that lousy excuse for a hero freeze in place, staring at each other.

The shitty influencer raises a shaking hand, pointing at the demonic pair just as they point their fingers at him.

“AAAAAHHH!!!”

“AAAAAHHH!!!”

“AAAAAHHH!!!” 

Great. All three of them are shouting in unison. As if they weren’t loud enough already. 

“Hey! You! Yeah, y’sorry pain in the ass! What’re you doing here?!” 

Huh. Once a pain in the ass, always a pain in the ass. 

“Aw, don’t be like that! People dig my heroic persona!” 

Dude, the only “heroic” thing you could do is step down from any online platforms. 

“You’re the one who went around town claimin’ that you ‘defeated the Demon Lord by flipping him a majestic double bird,’ ain’t’cha? ‘When he turned away in shock, I struck him down with an epic swing of my kick-ass sword!’ That’s bull! He’s never lost a fight.” 

“Surely, that can’t have happened. I’m certain that I would have recalled as much.” 

The demon lord blinks, puzzled, and I struggle to hold back a fit of laughter.

“Wha-...! N-Nope! Of course not! I was just, uh, trying to flex in front of the townspeople. Y’know, for... clout.” 

“Who’d put their trust in a punk-ass hero who lies through his teeth? Tch, you could learn a thing or two from the homeless folks, like our Demon Lord here has been. So? What stupid shit are you up to now?” 

The elf-maid deserves a standing ovation for not straight-up punching this loser in the face. 

“...‘Homeless’? Ooh, wait. I’ve seen those guys on TV before... That’s rough, man. Uh, where are you guys hanging out now?”

“We’ve got a tent set up in a park not too far from here.” 

“Cool, cool... I’ve been living it up here in the human realm. I’m, uh, a Viewtuber now.”

“A yew...tuber? What a delicious title.”

Given that the demon lord’s been spending his days picking up empty cans to exchange for cash, this is probably the first time anyone’s mentioned the video streaming platform around him. I wonder if he’d ever consider starting his own channel?

“It’s, y’know, a gig where you make your own videos and post them online. If a whole bunch of people watch them, then you can make some cash off of the ads on the site. And, since I’m a pretty bitchin’ adventurer, I’ve been just kind of shooting the shit, pulling pranks, doing product placements, unboxings, hero reaction videos... People here just eat that stuff up.” 

Honestly, that’s a pretty fair way of putting it (but with maybe too much slang). The elf-maid, however, is less than impressed, her reply ice-cold.

“So, you’re goin’ around and lyin’ to even more people — only this time, for money.”

“It’s not like that!!”

The hero throws his hands up, dragging them down his face in frustration.

Well. She’s not wrong, though.

“...Hero. I have a question to ask of you.”

The demon lord stares down at the hero with his usual oppressive silence.

“What, so you can bad-mouth me, too?”

“No, nothing of the sort. I wanted to know...why you aren’t gathering empty cans to exchange for funds, like so many others in this realm.”

“Huh?”

“That is, how are you acquiring money?”

“Wait, you think picking up trash is the only job people can have here? Ha ha! No way, man! Th—”

The elf-maid disappears without warning, reappearing just as quickly behind the hero — to press a (previously hidden) knife against his throat.

Those are the moves of a trained killer. 

“Whoa! Hey! Could you guys maybe try and not draw blood in the store?!” 

I spring into action before I even realize I’m moving.

But, when I get close to the elf-maid...

“Say one more word, and I’ll end ya. The Demon Lord wouldn’t ever get hired for a regular job, not with his whole look. I’ve been lookin’ after him, and I’m gonna keep doin’ it. So, don’t you dare give ‘im any strange ideas.”

I can hear the low threat she whispers in the hero’s ear, nice and clear.

“...Please don’t kill me.”

The hero’s voice quivers, and he sounds like he’s about to cry.

Yeah, that’s definitely not a guy who’s raised his middle finger to anyone. 

“So, then. ‘Yew-tubers’ are...?” 

“That’s...uh...nothing! It’s just my side hustle! I’m all for picking up cans! It’s great!” 

His stuttering should be a dead giveaway that it’s not nothing, but the demon lord doesn’t notice.

“Good, I knew that we must have similar occupations. My most recent record was seventy-six yen in a single day. Impressive, is it not? How much do you typically earn in a day, Hero?” 

“Uh...well, I...make an impressive three...yen a day. Yep. Three whole yen.” 

Sure, the demon lord might not know any better, but isn’t that taking things a bit too far?

I get that he’s trying to be nice, but come on! Would it have killed him to bump it up to, say, fifty yen?

Also, he keeps looking at me, like he wants me to bail him out. Dude, could you not? 

“Say, uh...whatever happened to that other maid who was always with you guys?”

He asks the question in an overly cheerful way, to try and take some of the pressure off himself.

And it works. The elf-maid finally lets the knife drop, and the hero rubs his chest with a sigh of relief. 

“Are you referring to Chronoa? We got separated not long after we arrived here.” 

Hold up. This guy’s got another maid at his beck and call?

“Oh, she’ll be fine. She’s a stupidly capable woman, after all. Still...she’s probably gone’n found herself a couple’a fresh victims by now. Y’know how she is.” 

Did she just say “victims”? After seeing the elf-maid’s professional-grade killing techniques, I’m pretty sure that can only mean one thing. 

“Y-You mean...she’s an assassin?!” 

I can’t help but blurt it out, and the fantasy trio glances over at me.

The elf-maid flashes me a wry, possibly apologetic, smile. 

“Nah, not in that sense. Chronoa’s got skills, sure, but she’s also single handedly responsible for the downfall of more unsuspecting chumps than anyone who ever came before her. Take our Demon Lord here, f’example. Back in the demon realm, he was doin’ whatever he pleased, becomin’ a proper jerk— ‘cause she was more than happy to grant his every wish.” 

“Sheri, did you just insult me?” 

Huh. Yeah, if I had someone like that at my beck and call, I’d probably become a lazy bum, too. 

Completely ignoring the demon lord’s interjection, the elf-maid presses on.

“Chronoa’s favorite kind of guy is someone who’s dripping with self-confidence, and oozes entitlement. Someone who’s got a whole bunch’a faithful followers who genuinely like ‘em — and a fancy title, too. But once she gets her claws into someone, they’re goners. Then, anyone who thought Chronoa was all that and a bag of chips changes their tune reeeeeal quick.” 

“Not like that’ll be a problem for you, Mr. Convenience Store Cashier. Uh, not that she’s ever hit on me, either.”

Like I needed to hear that from you. I swear, everything sounds worse when that jerk says it.

“And what of your companions, Hero? What became of your merry band?” 

“We got split up, too. I thought the four of us had all crossed over together, but I ended up on my own. Eh, I’m sure they’re doing alright.”

Wait, you’re telling me this knucklehead has three people who willingly hang out with him?

“Oh, yeah! Yo, Cashier! If my pals show up here, could you let me know? I’ll give you my deets, so you can just drop me a text or something.”

The hero holds out his fist, waiting for me to bump it.

“Uh...” 

“C’mon, man! Don’t leave me hanging! I’ll even let you star in my next vid!”

“Yeeeeah, thanks, but no thanks.” 

Honestly, appearing in a video with this guy’s the last thing I’d ever want to do. I mean, I’d never live it down. (The shame, that is.) 

“Harsh. Okay, cool. You give me a call, and I won’t ask you to shoot anything.” 

“That’s not much of a fair trade, but... Well, what do they look like?” 

I reach into my back pocket, pulling out the notepad and pen that I keep on me to jot down anything I need to ask my manager about at the end of my shifts.  

“Right, so there’s Iris, our tank — she’s a Red Knight. Has the armor to match. Then there’s Claire, who’s with the Black Order of the Odd-Eye Sisterhood. She’s got one green eye, and one gold one. Wears a habit. And, last but not least — our witch, Sacco. She’s drop-dead gorgeous, and pink from head to toe. You can’t miss her.” 

...They’re all girls?!

No way. This loser has a legit harem?! 

“Right, got it. If any of them stop by, I’ll let you know. But, I’m going to have to punch you first. Y’know, as collateral.” 

“Seriously, man?! What’d I ever do to you?!”

I shift, loosening up my shoulders...and the hero starts to slowly back away. A safe (well, safer) distance away, he turns his back to the three of us.

“Okay, so, yeah! That’s how it is! Thanks, bruh! Uh, be seein’ you!” 

I swear, the only thing he ever does quickly is run away. 

“Sheri, it’s high time we departed. Lad, Chronoa is a precious member of my household. It would be best if we found her soon. Should she happen to stop by this establishment, I would appreciate it if you informed me.” 

“Yeah, sure. I’ll...keep an eye out for her.” 

“She’s got short black hair, and her eyes are even darker. You’ll know her when you see her, ‘cause she ain’t like anyone normal.” 

The elf-maid quickly cuts in with her own description, before the demon lord can get a word in edgewise. He doesn’t say anything, but the silence that follows is an awkward one.

The demon lord readjusts the bag of pork cutlet sandwiches in his arms, taking care not to crush them.

“I would be most grateful for your assistance, lad.”

With those as his parting words, he takes his leave.

Scooching closer to me, the elf-maid uses that chance to give me some last words of advice. 

“And I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t ever cross paths with her. For his sake. He’s been pampered since the day we first met, with his fluffy bed and his servants and his big ol’ mansion. I like our Demon Lord a whole bunch more as he is now. He’s makin’ his own decisions, and learnin’ how to stand on his own two feet. Back home...I never woulda thought he’d have it in him to change. That’s why...even though we’re homeless, I’m glad we’re where we are.” 

She rests her hand on her chest, and I can’t help but smile at her outpouring of motherly love. Seriously, did we get another batch of onion-cutting ninjas in here, or...?

“You’re awfully kind. Anyways, I’ll catch’ya again when I’ve gotten paid, ‘kay?” 

The elf-maid flashes me a quick smile before racing off after the demon lord.

I flick my notebook closed, shove it back into my pocket, then head back to my usual spot — behind the register.

Glancing out at the empty store, it hits me.

I forgot to get the hero’s number.

...Oh, well. Too late now.

***

Look, I was bored, so don’t go reading too much into this.

But, after some poking around on Viewtube, I found that loser’s channel. 

“Viewtuber Mac’s Heroic Issekai Vlog”

Clicking around in the uploads section reveals all the videos he’s made so far.

Out of the almost endless lists, one of them catches my eye.

“Go Big or Go Home! Let’s Find Out: What Happens When You Buy All the Tickets in Another World’s Convenience Store Lottery!”

“So, you’re the one who’s been buying up all the lottery tickets! Stop wasting your money, kid!” 

Honestly, the number of views is pretty damn impressive.

Scrolling down to the comments section uncovers such gems as: 

“ROFL lamest hero i’ve ever seen”

“mac’s full of sh*t”

Aw, buddy. Making it as a Viewtuber in this world’s only earned you the same notoriety as the realm you came from.

Keeping that retort to myself, I click the “Subscribe” button.