How to Apologise?

Yan’s mind clears, his eyes finally able to see his surroundings instead of hyperfocusing on the person in front of him. The customers are all looking at him with disapproving glances, and even the clerk, midway through scanning someone’s items, is staring at him in shock. The store has come to a standstill, and for a very long moment, Yan can only hear the whirring of the air conditioner.

‘Uncle…’ Crystal weakly protests, but soon shrinks back, her face looking at the floor in shame. Yan has never seen her in such a state, completely admitting defeat in the face of a powerful authority.

‘Come with me,’ the man orders. ‘You too, boy. Mason, take care of the store for a bit.’

With the clerk giving an awkward nod, the man begins to lead Yan and Crystal outside the store and into the entrance of a tong lau. Walking up a flight of stairs, they stop at the corridor of the first floor. For a place decades old, it’s relatively well-maintained, but there is no luxury to distract himself as Yan is unable to flee from his predicament.

‘Tell me what happened,’ the man starts. ‘I heard a commotion, but didn’t think you’d argue with a boy smaller than you, Crystal. And against the quietest customer in the store of all people.’

‘Well, I was just curious about the manga he was reading,’ Crystal attempts to explain. ‘All of a sudden, he lashed out at me—’

‘But you got mad as well, didn’t you?’

‘Yes… Sorry, uncle.’

‘You’ve always been a kindhearted girl. The anger just got over your head and blinded you for a bit. I trust you didn’t mean what you said, but please don’t say those things again, ok?’

‘Ok…’

‘And you,’ the man turns to Yan. ‘Yan, was it? Mason told me your name. You’re usually so calm, but just then, you also lost control, didn’t you? After all, you’re usually just quietly reading.’

‘Y-Yes….’ All the fury Yan had before has died down, and with it, his usual behaviour has returned. He bows his head, unable to look at Crystal or the man in the face.

‘I’m sure Crystal did something that crossed your line for you to get this angry,’ the man says. ‘Based on what I see, I trust that you’re usually not like this. It’s just a moment of foolishness.’

He definitely messed up. He completely lost control earlier, saying things he desperately wanted to take back. Despite his belief that he isn’t the one totally at fault, the fact remains that he ruined the usual vibe of the bookstore. There is no way to remove himself from responsibility. Every time he comes to the bookstore in the future, he’ll be reminded of those few minutes. The clerk will look at him differently, and if he is to somehow run into Crystal again, he might as well just run away.

‘I’m sorry…’ I’m such an idiot.

‘Now, now, don’t apologise to me,’ the man says. ‘It’s good that you know you messed up, but apologies are for the person you offended.’ He steps aside, allowing Crystal and Yan to face each other. However, the two continue to stare at the ground, unable to look each other in the eye.

For a while, the two of them are silent, unable to bring themselves to say a single word. For Yan, it’s not that he doesn’t want to apologise, but as the first one to start the argument, Crystal should say it first. Even if he usually concedes to people easily, he can’t bring himself to apologise before she does. It just doesn’t feel right, whatever that might mean.

He says sorry to people a lot. Accidentally bumping into strangers on the street, shuffling past a crowd to get off a train, thanking a kind classmate for opening the door for him… the list goes on. ‘Sorry’ has become a mainstay of his usual vocabulary, almost on par with ‘thanks’ and ‘hello’. However, at this moment the word refuses to come out of his mouth, being stuck inside his throat before being swallowed back in. He simply can’t say it out loud, especially not after the biggest burst of anger he has had in several years.

‘Well, I know words are harder to say in person,’ the man finally breaks the silence. ‘Why not exchange contact information and apologise to each other through text later?’

Yan looks at the man in bewilderment. He might be pretty active on Readit and Harmony, but rarely does he save someone else’s contact information. His list contains not even all members of his family, nevermind a classmate he barely talks to at school.

But where there is a connection, there is a contact number somewhere.

‘Well, thing is…’ Crystal says hesitantly. ‘He’s my classmate, so we already have each other’s contact through the class group chat.’

‘Yeah…’ Yan realises as he looks at Crystal’s unsaved number on the group chat. He completely forgot about that until now.

‘Great!’ the man clasps his hands together in approval. ‘Though I didn’t know he’s your classmate, Crystal. Why didn’t you tell me earlier?’

‘I thought Mason already told… you…’ Crystal says, her voice trailing away.

‘No, he didn’t,’ he replies. ‘In fact, he’d be surprised knowing you two are classmates as well. It’s not like Yan here talks a lot about himself, if anything.’

‘Huh?’ Yan utters. She lied about her cousin talking about me? How’d she know I was here, then?

‘A-Anyway!’ Crystal quickly reacts, showing her screen to Yan. ‘I’ve saved your number. Now shoo, shoo!’

‘Crystal,’ the man sternly warns.

‘Uh… I mean, see you later.’

‘See you…’ Yan quietly says, taking a quick bow at Crystal’s uncle before running down the stairs and out the building. There is no way he’ll stay any longer at the bookstore for today after what happened.

There is but a single thought in his head as he rushes back home: the apology. He even forgets to greet his bewildered mother as he enters the apartment, going straight into his room and burying himself in his blanket. He turns on his phone, waiting for a message all the while he frantically thinks of how to issue his own apology. Alas, nothing comes to mind.

So he waits, staring blankly at his phone. For the entire day. With the exception of meals and chores, his eyes do not leave the screen. Even in the evening when he visits his grandparents, the device is by his side, his ears waiting for just a simple ping, ignoring all conversation around him.

He only needs Crystal to make the first move. But after so long, there is still nothing.

---

Deep into the night, long after his family are all asleep, the long-awaited notification finally appears, along with the words:

+852 9333 1246: um hi this is crystal