My Answer Will Always Be ...

"Please go out with me, Hiragi-san!"

Just as she uttered those words, the world went blank for me. The girls in the class started squeaking, especially the girls who had been huddled close together with Komatsu-san when I arrived. The boys all looked in dumbfounded surprise. However, none of these loud noises and yelps of surprise, and other emotions reached my ears. My mind was blank. What triggered it was definitely the words that flowed out of Komatsu-san's mouth. I was stupefied. However, it was not the kind of stupefaction the people around me were imagining.

The blank in my head was slowly being filled with images of the past. Of the past when my family was destroyed. Of the past where my father was left shattered. Of the past when I was left alone to fend for myself. Of the past that made me realize some important truths about this world. Of the past that taught me to hate love; that taught me how fearsome this feeling called 'love' could be. It could destroy you and you are completely helpless. If you shout at the world that love is what destroyed us, then the world would laugh at us for being a fool, for being an ignorant wimp who could not see the glory of love. But, they are wrong. Love is nothing but a tool to hurt people. Love is the eventual pain and suffering that has managed to mask its inevitable reckoning and bamboozled the masses. Yet these imbeciles would never see that. But, I am different. I know what this 'love' and 'relationships' could do. I was forced to make this realization even before I knew what love and bond were and felt like. Ever since that day, four years ago, I have made up my mind to never fall in love; despise love, and keep people at a distance, at my arm's length so that they could never hurt me.

I looked at Komatsu-san standing before me. She was looking at me head-on with some strong feelings burning inside her eyes. They were fiery and I felt scared. I knew that if I let the flames of her passion engulf me, not even embers would be left of my soul. Perhaps what I would do next would hurt her but if it meant choosing between me and the other person getting hurt, of course, I would choose the other person. Who would willingly get themselves hurt?

In some corner of my heart, I did feel a bit of sympathy for her. She would be hurt. Definitely. But that only goes on to prove my point. If she had never fallen in love with me, then she wouldn't have to be hurt by me now. Even though it was not me who fell in love, this feeling was trying to burden me with some guilt that I don't deserve to carry. See? That's why it is such a fearsome thing. Love, relationships, and bonds, they are to be feared. Do not ever get too close to someone so that you won't have to suffer from the pain that comes along with them. That is the motto I live with.

I once again looked at Komatsu-san. I wonder how long it has been now since she asked me to go out with her. After she punctuated her first sentence, she hasn't spoken a word and has been standing there silently, staring at me, waiting for an answer. Komatsu Ai was definitely a beautiful girl. To be honest, if I were to pick the most beautiful girl in this whole school, I would definitely place her at number one. And most of the boys and even the girls themselves probably had the same opinion of her. In the short two weeks since she has started school here, she has received countless confessions. Some professed their love through letters and those bold enough made their appearance in front of her and made their feelings for her clear. And she has turned down every one of them with a smile on her face. Among those who confessed to her, there were boys that were clearly good-looking, almost as good as Kensuke. But she had turned down even them and now here she was, asking me to go out with her.

I do not think that I am good-looking. I am not trying to downplay myself or garner sympathy from other people here but I am a guy with average looks and average height. The only thing above-average about me is my academics. I don't think someone as gorgeous as Komatsu Ai would fall for a guy like me. It is utterly inconceivable. Did she fall in love with my academic abilities? We hadn't had exams since the start of the second year so she shouldn't have any way to know that I was good in academics. Even supposing that she knew about it, there is no way a girl would fall in love with someone just because they are academically gifted. But then, what other reason could there be?

Okay, I need to stop.

Thinking about all these things would only give me a headache. And even if I did find the reason as to why she was asking me out, it would be of no use to me.

I sucked in a deep breath. I knew what my answer would be. And I knew what the consequences of my answer would be. But I accepted them all. It was better than the alternative option.

I looked Komatsu-san straight in the eye and told her my answer with all sincerity.

My answer? It was obvious from the start, wasn't it?

A flat, resounding, "No."

When the word rolled off my tongue, the response was different from their reaction to Komatsu-san's confession. In contrast to the incessant yelling, now the class was pin-drop silent. My voice had yet to lose its energy and was reverberating off the walls of the classroom. My classmates looked on in undescribable shock with their bodies frozen on the spot.

I saw Komatsu-san's mouth open slightly, however, she closed them shut quickly. Her head drooped a little to the front and her long bangs cast a dark shadow across her face. Her bangs prevented me from getting a good look on her face.

"Sorry for bothering you." She said in a barely audible voice and she hurriedly escaped out of the class. Some girls looked at me with hatred in their eyes and quickly followed after her, calling out her name in concern.

I stood there in a daze for a while myself until the bell signaling the end of the lunch period snapped me back to my senses.

Soon students started filling in the seats and the classes resumed. The girls who had run after her came back about five minutes late and gave me a dirty look before settling in their seats. Komatsu didn't arrive in the class for the next period. When she arrived after the period was over, she had regained her usual cheerfulness. The girls asked her if she was alright and she smiled reassuringly at them. Before she sat in her seat in the front row, I felt as if our eyes had met for an instant. Though I couldn't be sure. The air in the classroom was a bit tense after that. It felt suffocating and I was fervently praying for the end of the school to pass as soon as possible.

*

The classes for the day were finally over. I immediately packed my bags and was about to leave when Kensuke called out to me.

"Yuuta. Wait a second."

"What is it?"

"I want to ask you something."

"Ask fast. I am in a hurry."

"Let me pack my things first. We could chat while walking." He finished stuffing his things inside his bag and joined me.

"Let's go." As if on cue. the door from the front of the class slid open, and I let my eyes wander there. Komatsu-san was leaving the class early and when her friends asked her why she was leaving so early, she responded with this, "Nothing to worry about. I just have some important thing to do so I am leaving early. See you guys tomorrow."

The smile she gave just before she disappeared seemed to be a mustered-up one rather than her real smile and the girls once again glared in my direction. I saw a girl in that group take a dedicated step toward me. Before she had the chance to hound me, I got out of the class myself while Kensuke followed me hurriedly.

We synced our pace halfway through the hall.

"What is it that you want to ask me?"

"Is it true that Komatsu-san asked you out?"

"Yes." He was bound to know one way or other soon so there was no need to lie. But the fact that he was asking me this question implied that he had already heard about it somewhere. It was probably during the short break after the sixth period when he and some boys who were there when the whole ordeal happened went to the restroom.

"And is it true that you turned her down?"

"Yes."

"Why? Isn't she beautiful enough?"

I had prepared my answer beforehand. "She is good-looking but that doesn't mean I will agree to go out with her. It has only been two weeks since she has been here and I hardly know anything about her. So with that in mind, there is no way I could agree to go out with her."

"Couldn't you go out with her and then find out about her along the way? And if you like her personality then you two could stay together."

"But what if I don't like her personality or what's inside her? I immediately call to break things off and hurt her feelings? Wouldn't she feel hurt and betrayed that I only entertained her for my own sake and threw her away once I got bored? Is that what you want me to do?" I countered strongly and Kensuke looked troubled by it.

"Listen, Kensuke. I am not trying to find fault in her. It's just that I am not in the mood for romance and such now."

I heard him heave a sigh from next to me. "Well, nothing I can do about that. But what about all these looks that you are now getting?"

He looked around us but I didn't. Without even looking around, I could feel their eyes on me. Especially the boys. They were all probably thinking along this line: How dare he turn down a girl as beautiful as Komatsu-san?! Is he an idiot? Or does he think that he is above her and she is not at his level? Know your place, you worm! He doesn't realize what a blessing it is to be confessed to by her of all people. I would have dropped to the ground then and there and submitted myself wholly to her! Blah, blah, blah.

"This is kinda unnerving, you know? Don't you feel bothered with so many hateful eyes on you?" Kensuke asked me.

"No. Why should I be bothered by the gazes of people that I have no connection with whatsoever?" I replied flatly.

"Man, I don't know whether you are strong-headed or cold anymore." He once again sighed.

"Well, things would probably die down after time passes."

"Hopefully so." He said, though his voice sounded uncertain.

Although the intensity of such glares should decrease with time, I wonder how much time it will need. And until then, I would have to bear this burden. I was already exhausted. This time I was the one to heave a sigh.

Kensuke and I headed to the station where we separated. Our homes were in the same direction but we boarded different trains. Kenuske was heading home while I was headed to my part-time job that was one station farther from here.

I bid him bye and boarded the train. The train was crowded and there wasn't even space for me to stand properly. I was standing near the door. The doors were about to close. Just before they did, a girl came running toward me. She had long black hair that flowed down to her waist and feline eyes that were narrowed on me. When I saw her, a shudder went down my spine for some reason. She was...

"Hey, I need to talk to you about something."

...Komatsu Ai.