Iva- Ever-Changing Ballade

I've always wanted to live my life without making any wrong turns. Searching for a perfect route devoid of hardships, a world, where pain isn't an inevitable companion to living. But that's not possible. A path like that doesn't exist. We aren't born in this world to get hurt, but living means we will always end up hurting ourselves. We'll fail, trip over, and get lost.

"Iva, I would never leave you without saying a goodbye. I just couldn't bear the thought of hurting you again."

"Noah, you idiot. Why are you always like this?"

Once more, I found myself seeking solace within the confines of my room, or so I believed. A dark fog gushed out from each corner of the room and hung in the air, suffocating me with its intensity. I couldn't bring myself to eat anything that night, nor did I have the strength to face the mundane routine of school the next day.

However, my deepest regret was the anguish I caused my mother. Her pleas reverberated through the door countless times, a desperate entreaty for me to share my burdens. Yet, I remained imprisoned in my own sea of emotions, my voice silenced by the weight of it all.

As night unfurled its inky tendrils, the room transformed as the world outside faded into a shawl of shadows and secrets. The pale moonlight, filtering through the sheer curtains cast ethereal patterns upon the walls. The silence, punctuated only by the gentle hum of the night, embraced me like a familiar companion.

In this cocoon of stillness, my surroundings enveloped me like an old friend. As I perched on the edge of my bed, I heard a knock on the door.

"Iva, my dear, it's your grandma... I've brought your dinner." Her soft, caring voice drifted through the door. The click of the locked doors echoed faintly. On the other side, I could hear her placing a tray on the floor.

Drawing nearer to the door, I rested my weight against it. "Mom sent you, right, grandma? I'm not really hungry right now." I could sense the worry lacing her words, brushing against my ears like a delicate breeze. But I didn't want to make her worry too.

"Are you not feeling well, dear?"

"I'm fine, grandma, it's just..."

What is it, Iva, can't you even tell me?"

"No Grandma, I want to tell you. I really want to... but I don't know what to do..."

The last thing I want is to weigh her down with my troubles.

"Iva... are you scared?"

It was as if her words made tears well up in my eyes, as if my inner struggle laid bare before me. I clung onto the doorknob, the safety of her words chipped away at the walls I had erected, while I wiped my tears on my sleeve, "Yeah. I'm scared Grandma... I'm really scared."

"Then open the door, Iva. Grandma is here for you."

My resistance crumbled further. My forehead was pressed against the door, along with my trembling hands pressing against the sturdy door frame. The wood, cold against my flushed skin, offered a tangible anchor in the storm in the sea of my heart. I turned the door lock.

Grandma walked inside slowly, with the tray in her hand. She placed it on my table, sitting on my bed afterward. I went and sat beside her.

Her careful gaze drew graffiti over my face with its shimmering glow. "So, what's troubling you, Iva?"

One after the other, words started spilling out from me. "I'd told you about Noah before, right?"

"Your boyfr-"

"Yes... yes..." I fumbled, "you don't need to spell it out!"

"So, what about him."

It felt like I had been sitting with a load of words over my lap, their weight pressing down upon me relentlessly. But now, at this moment, I could finally release those words, and let them tumble from my lap like emotions finding their voice. "The thing is..." I continued, "he will be leaving for Boston in a few days. He will live with his uncle and study from there."

"Is that all?"

Her voice rang in my head. "He called me to the park yesterday, and told me all of this. He was actually planning to leave for a long time, but he has hiding it from us till now."

"Did you just learn it yesterday?"

A conflicting expression flitted across my face. "No, actually, I've known it for some time. But he kept this secret locked away, even though I'd tried to bring it out of him before. I wanted him to feel the same way as I did about it, to make him understand the emotions that stirred within me. Yet, he remained silent. Perhaps I can tell why he chose to bear this burden alone."

"Are you sad, Iva, that he'll be finally leaving you?"

Am I sad? After such a long time... now hearing it from her... am I still unable to accept all of this. "I don't know, Grandma. I'd known that this day would come, when I'll have to tell him goodbye. Yet, within me, I had hope– the hope that somehow, his mind would change, and that this won't be the end. But when I talked to him yesterday, It felt as though, by letting him go now, I'd be letting go of my grasp on him forever. And that terrifies me. I don't know what to do anymore..."

When I learned that Noah will evantually leave us, it took time... but I came to terms with it. I believed in what we cherished, those memories of us together, and I wanted it to be our strength. But I'm still left to pick up those pieces, little pieces of our feelings, one after the other. But it never ends.

"So, what did you tell him, after hearing it from him?"

"What do you mean?"

"Didn't you at least tell him a last goodbye."

Those words surged through my veins, piercing the haze within me like a bolt of lightning. The intensity of it stole my breath away, leaving me gasping for air. "I... didn't even tell him goodbye?"

"You are scared, right, Iva? You are scared that you'll never be able to meet him again..."

I pressed my palms over my face. "Yeah, Grandma, I'm scared. I'm so scared that I don't know what to do..."

"Iva, look through the window." She said, pointing at the sky outside. "Can you see those stars?"

The night sky stretched above us, a vast canvas adorned with countless twinkling stars. "Those distant stars, gleaming in their own time, witnessed the lives of those who'd lived a long time ago. And just maybe, staying so far, far away... the stars too had made a promise with them, that they'll meet too one day too. Doesn't it sound like a great journey?"

"What are you trying to say, the stars are mocking us. Humans don't even live long enough for them to reach us, staying so far away."

"Maybe you're right, Iva. Maybe none of this matters, because our lives are too fragile to dream for the stars. But that promise still remains, like a message, a hope. And after a long journey spanning a millennial, they'll reach us, unfamiliar to it though."

"Doesn't that mean their journey was all for nothing?"

"I don't think so, Iva. Remember this, nothing in this world waits for anyone, as time marches on without pause." With those words, she enfolded me in her embrace, her arms forming a protective shield around me. "Yet, don't allow that to hinder you from embracing a leap of faith. Regret can shadow us if we let opportunities slip away. Pursue what you believe in, before the chance eludes you. If you need to, even reach those stars by yourself."

She didn't spell them out. Though she didn't need to. "You can cry now, Iva." That's what she meant. Tears streamed down my face like a gentle rain, my sobs echoing through the room, as I sought refuge in her loving embrace. She held me with arms that carried a lifetime of wisdom and love, like a potion for my wounded spirit.

Days passed, and the world outside beckoned me back to its grasp. I went to school again, hoping to find solace in its familiarity. But as I entered the classroom, curious eyes came gushing at me like a violent tsunami.

"We were so worried about you, Iva?"

"Iva, what happened to you?"

"Where you sick? Did you have a fever?"

I replied to all their concerns with a smile. Why didn't I realize sooner, that I had so many friends worrying about me. I looked around, at the empty seat behind me. Noah's empty seat. He hasn't come yet.

After a while, Alan arrived at the classroom, approaching me after noticing me sitting on my desk. "Iva..."

"Alan, I'm sorry to worry you guys. I was just down with a fever."

"Yeah, Noah told me about it. I'm sorry I didn't call you. I thought you might've been resting, so I didn't want to disturb you."

"Don't fret over it. I should be saying that, for not getting in contact for the past few days."

He peaked behind me over my shoulder. "Noah is absent today. Do you know anything about it, Iva?"

"I don't know. Did he come the last few days?"

"Yeah. I wonder what happened. Till now, you were absent, and now he vanished without a word."

He looked back at me, "By the way, did you meet him anywhere the last few days."

My heart skipped a beat. "Oh, um... I didn't go outside, and no one come to visit me even once..." For a moment, the secret I held threatened to spill from my lips, but I held it tightly, guarding it like a precious jewel.

"Oh, is that so..."

Denial became my shield, and I simply shook my head.

That afternoon, while I was going through all the things I had missed in school for the last few days, my phone beeped, as Noah's name lit up on the screen of my phone. My heart leaped in both joy and fear as I read his words.

Iva, I'll be leaving tomorrow. Can you come to the station? I want to see you one last time.

A glance at his text tightened the knot in my stomach, but I knew that I couldn't let this opportunity slip away.

I'll be there.

I typed as fast as I could, pressing the send button afterward.

The next day came knocking on the doorstep. I'd asked him when the train would leave the station beforehand, but when I was leaving home, Mom stopped me, asking where I was heading to. I hadn't told her anything about it, so it took some time for me to get it done with her, and I ended up arriving at the train station way after the scheduled time.

Upon my belated arrival, my gaze swept the bustling concourse, my eyes straining to catch a glimpse of Noah's familiar form. The station was unusually busy that day, each platform teeming with a number of passengers.

Restless, I started pacing back and forth, my patience wearing thin like a fraying thread. My pacing intensified, hastened steps now barely covering any ground, while my eyes darted from one face to another, sweeping through the bustling crowd.

The train station hummed with its own energy, a symphony of hurried footsteps, echoing conversations, and the distant rumble of departing trains. Suddenly, a figure cut past the crowd and stood in front of me. It was Alan. His gaze fixed upon me with an intensity that pierced through the chaos.

"Iva, what are you doing here?" He asked.

"Alan? Did you get Noah's message too?"

"Oh, yeah... Noah's message. You've come to tell him goodbye too..."

"Um... yeah. You can say that."

"Iva, is something wrong?"

"It's nothing, Alan. I'm just having a really hard time believing it."

"Hard time, huh? I guess you're right..."

"One day out of nowhere he came into our lives, and now he is leaving all of a sudden."

Attention all passengers, we would like to inform you of our upcoming departure to Boston. We kindly request all travelers to gather at your designated platform, as the train is scheduled to leave promptly in a few minutes.

"Where's Noah? The train's going to leave any minute!" I exclaimed, my eyes darting in every direction.

"I'll give him a call, just hold on a moment," Alan scooped his phone from his pocket. He swiftly dialed Noah's number, taking it close to his ear. A brief pause ensued, accompanied by a heavy sigh escaping his lips.

"It seems like his phone is switched off," he said, sliding his phone back into his pocket. "I walked here all the way from the south of the station. Perhaps we should head north and continue looking from there. He might be somewhere over there."

We started walking again, scouring the platforms together. My gaze switched between Alan, my watch, and the ever-revolving hand ticking away the moments, mirroring the ceaseless motion of our footsteps. However, no matter where our eyes landed, there was no trace of Noah. The once familiar station now seemed like a bewildering labyrinth, intensifying our restlessness with each passing moment.

For passengers heading to Boston, the train will leave the station promptly. Whether you're travelling for work or pleasure, this train ride promises to be an enjoyable experience.

The clock kept on ticking. Where is Noah, where is he? Did he already get on the train?

Passengers, Please remain seated while the train is in motion, and keep an eye on your belongings.

My heart pounded in my chest as I watched the hands of the clock ticking relentlessly, each passing second bringing us closer to the departure time. But as the final call for boarding reverberated through the station, reality crashed down upon me. Time had run its course, and the train was preparing to leave.

I turned my gaze towards Alan, "Noah must've already got abroad the train..." With a heavy sigh, I realized that I had no choice but to make a decision. There was no denying it.

"Just get out of my sight!"

All of a sudden, a memory came back to me. That memory, from a long time ago. The feelings from that time, when those words slipped from my lips, came back piercing my heart. The sound of door sliding shut.

"Mary? Mary, don't leave me. Don't leave me, Mary?"

The memory ended there, without any glimpses on the other side of the door. I used to call her my friend... my dear friend. Everything ended just like that, everything for me. I was too weak to run after her. To make amends for all the pain I caused her. My first friend.

"Iva, what are you thinking?"

No words escaped my lips. In truth, there seemed to be no words to explain what I'm thinking right now. Instead, I simply found myself taking one step towards the train doors, and then another, an unyielding force urging me forward.

"If you need to, even reach those stars by yourself."

Then another.

I still have so many things I need to tell Noah. That it wasn't just him who had saved me. That he had saved me too. I want to whisper it into his ears, not to fade from memory, for I shall never let him vanish from mine. That I won't forget you either. To wait for me... because I'll wait for you too. And I knew, that if I go back now, then for sure, this past too shall keep haunting me forever in the future.

This should be the right decision. I can't allow fear to grab hold of my actions any longer.

"Iva, please, don't go!" A forceful grip pulled me back, belonging to Alan. His voice trembled, maybe in surprise, or disbelief. "Don't go, Iva. Are you out of your mind?"

I looked back at him, at his eyes. I've never seen him look at me with those eyes, dyed with such scores of pain. During the bustling commotion surrounding us—hurried footsteps, intermingling voices of departing travelers—Alan and I stood there motionless. No words were exchanged. Yet, our hearts danced with emotions like typhoons, swirling yet none of those emotions were directed to each other.

As I trudged my way home that day, my heart felt like it was being torn apart, and ugly tears streamed down my face. I could sense it once more—the sensation of something slipping away, fading into the realm of memories. And even though I clung to the loneliness and sorrow, refusing to forget, the memories themselves were beginning to fade too. No matter how fiercely I tried to hold on, no matter how many times I vowed to myself, time marched on. No matter how much I try to hold on...no matter how many times I swear it to myself... time moves on, and they begin to fade. It's too cruel.