Alan- By Her Side

I've always wondered how it feels when those who are the closest to you start hating you. The idea of needing to push them aside, to distance myself from their once familiar embrace, is a disquieting thought that haunts me. Though I've encountered this reality once before in my life, the apprehension it brings remains as potent as ever.

The truth is, I don't want anyone to hate me. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I've always tried to cover everything up, repressing those feelings for years. But in the end they'll evantually break. And once that barrier crumbles, the fear takes root – the fear that I've become unwelcome, an unwanted presence, a sentiment that unsettles me profoundly. It'll feel like they don’t want me anymore. It makes me scared. That's why I always try to keep the air around me light. I don't want my words to settle down on their hearts, just want them to push those words aside like a flowing breeze. Even when I mean them.

But one day I might need to face my own weaknesses too. And when I'll have to make that decision, will I be able to keep myself from hurting anyone else? I'd never want to lose them, those I've come to call my precious friends. They showed me who I am. And you can't just start loving yourself or believing yourself, unless someone else tells it to you.

I awaited the bell's melodic chime, its resonance a herald of the much-anticipated recess. The classroom, its walls bearing the weight of countless lessons, sprang to life as students surged from their seats, filling the space with movement and voices. Slowly, I pushed myself up from my chair, about to join the stream of students heading toward the cafeteria. Yet, before I could take my first step, Noah suddenly appeared, crashing right in front me.

"What's the matter?" I asked. His gaze seemed distant, not quite meeting mine, "Wanna go to the cafeteria together?"

I couldn't help but notice the tension radiating from him, his body frozen in place. Something was definitely amiss.

"I have something to talk to you about?"

"About what?"

"I'll tell. But at first-"

"Let's go to the cafeteria then. We can talk there."

"No, not there," his voice fell to a hushed tone, an unexpected intensity coloring his words. "Somewhere quiet, like the rooftop."

"Why the rooftop? Is it that important?"

His request caught me off guard. Why the rooftop? Why is he insisting on talking there? The seriousness in his voice sent a shiver down my spine, a mysterious undercurrent beneath his request.

A second of silence before he continued, delivered with a quiet resolve that sent a tremor through my being, "You'll understand. Just come with me."

Noah's acting a bit strange today, not that I can put a finger on it though. The veneer of his typical reserve seemed to have been replaced by an uncharacteristic solemnity. He stood before me, an enigma I struggled to comprehend. "Let's get going..." he implored, as I saw a flicker of urgency in his eyes. With a sudden burst of energy, he set off down the long corridors, gesturing me to follow.

Caught in the swirl, I hastened my steps, trailing behind Noah as we weaved through the hallways. Questions tumbled through my mind, desperate for answers that only he seemed to possess. What's Noah hiding behind those eyes?

As I climbed the worn-out stairs, I could feel the world below slipping away, all the chattering and laughter fading beneath my soles. This rooftop has always been a safe sanctuary for me. Whenever I'm feeling down, I come to this place. Always alone.

"Remember that time, when I didn't come to class after recess?" I said, "I didn't return after the classes had begun, and you guys searched for me all day long."

"Oh, you're talking about that time..."

"If I remember, it was Mr. Husky's class after recess, right?"

"Don't ask about that. But you even got us worried that day too."

I grinned, "I was hiding here, in the rooftop, wondering what kind of face Mr. Husky was making..."

"Iva was really worried about you though..." The old rustic bars creaked as he opened the roof gate.

Above, the vast expanse of the sky stretched out, a boundless canvas painted in hues of blue and white, dotted with fluffy clouds that lazily traversed the horizon. The rooftop itself was weathered, marked by the passage of time and the countless footprints. Adorned with weather-beaten tiles that had long lost their luster, their edges worn and chipped from years of exposure. And above all, silent, with no eyes to pry and no ears to catch a whisper.

Leaning against the railing, I felt its coolness against my palms, grounding me at the moment. As calming as a ripple in the water.

"Good," Noah began with a heavy sigh, "We won't have any interruptions here."

The flash of breeze pushed through us. "The letter arrived a few days ago..." He let the breeze push him behind, swinging as his hands held onto the railing. "from my uncle, that is."

The words hung in the air, each syllable floating like leaves over still pond water.

"From your uncle? Do you mean-"

"Yeah, I'll be leaving Camden in a few days. I've already applied for a high school in Boston."

"So that's why you've been acting a bit strange for the last few days..." How could I forget. We had talked about this before, that day in the hospital after he got in an accident. After which we got into an argument. And I ran away, not wanting to face those words. But even now I am baffled by them crashing upon me like violent waves. "I thought you'd leave after high school."

"I'd considered it before. But leaving as soon as possible was the most logical to me. I'd like to get to know the place a bit more before applying for college."

A clear lie...

"Is it really just that? Leaving during your last year..."

"I'm also planning on working in my uncle's studio. Nothing else."

My eyes kept hanging at the horizon far away, crashing onto the land like a quiet waterfall. I was at a loss for words, not knowing what should tell him. Should I congratulate him? Or just remain silent?

But I did none of them. Maybe he wasn't even expecting what I had in my mind.

"Have you told Iva about it?"

He hesitated. "Why do you ask?"

"Just asking... have you told her yet?"

"No, not yet..."

My eyes grabbed onto his gaze, pulling them right into mine. "How long do you plan on keeping her in the dark? You should've told her by now."

"Yeah, I know. But-"

"But what?" I hissed, "Do you plan on leaving like that, without saying a goodbye? Do you know how much she will be hurt?"

"What do you think, I don't know? I've also been thinking about it for quite a long time..."

My voice kept going up. "Then, what's wrong? Are you scared to break up with her again?"

"It's nothing like that between the two of us now. You're getting it all wrong-"

"Huh, then what about last winter?" My voice had gotten even louder, "You two were still dating back then. Even after breaking up once."

"At least listen to what I have to say..." His muscles tensed, and all of a sudden he grabbed onto my collars. He gasped, while his eyes stared beneath. "We weren't dating last winter. You aren't understanding it."

"Then why are you scared to tell her... that you are leaving?"

He remained silent, not even a word or a nod.

"What, why won't you tell her?"

I was present here that day, Noah. Standing right by the gate... I saw everything that happened. It's not fair, Noah... always trying to force your feelings upon others, thinking that things will somehow work out. Actually, you just want to make her forget you. That's why you are leaving all of a sudden. Don't just take it all upon yourself and leave like nothing had happened. You should know too...

I made him let go off my collar, taking a step back. I continued in a hushed tone. "You know she still loves you, right? That's why you can't tell her that?"

"You're wrong!"

"Huh, what

"I don't know if she still loves me or not, let alone if she had ever loved me in the first place..."

"Noah... what are you even saying?"

"As I said, there was nothing like that going on between the two of us, however it seemed like from outside..."

You clueless idiot. Do you even understand what you're saying? Are you trying to force yourself to believe that too?

"Do you really mean that?"

"Iva isn't as strong as she seems to be. Deep down, she has a really fragile heart." He clung onto the railing again, taking his eyes as far away as possible, "She bottles all her worries and anxieties up inside her, and doesn't let them out. I, too, had caused her a lot of pain before. After I got into the accident, then broke up with her... though it took too long for me to realize."

"So you're just afraid to hurt her again?"

"Alan, could you ever tell, that Iva had been living in a harsh winter till now?"

A memory I'd totally forgotten about, came flashing back to me.

"Winter? What do you mean?"

"Like I said, a really harsh winter. One where the snow melts only to freeze into even thicker piles. One where the spring never arrives?"

"What's with your weird analogy. I'm not getting the point."

"Can you tell, Alan, what comes after the ice melts away during winter?"

"Spring, isn't it?"

"You're right. And I want to be that sunshine for Iva, who can bring the spring back in her life."

"You might be correct. Deep down, I just want her to leave behind all those memories. After all, each passing day would turn even more unbearable than before. I had promised her that I would be there by her side when she can't stand up. But at the end, it was me who ended up hurting her the most, and now even leaving her side."

This time I grabbed onto his collar, shaking him on both sides. "Don't make it sound that easy. How can she just leave behind all those memories?"

"I know, but I can't think of any better way..."

Every muscle in my face wanted to scream at his face. "Didn't you say you'd be her sunshine, Noah?"

"Then, what about you? Don't you too love Iva?" I wasn't expecting to hear that, at least from him. He stopped resisting, continuing in his calm tone.

"Huh!" My face flustered up, "What are you saying?"

"Don't even try to deny. It's written all over your face..."

"Don't joke with me. Iva is a precious friend of mine. I've known her since grade school. That's all there is to it."

"And the same is for me. She's also my precious friend. All this time, I'd been lying to myself. I'd been lying to my own feelings, and to her too. I've told you this before, she needs someone by her side who can pull her up every time she falls down. It doesn't necessarily mean it must be me..."

"Don't just blabber what you think. I can't fill the void in her heart after you leave her behind."

"You don't need to. Time will heal itself. Just stand beside her and watch over her from behind. You should understand her better than me."

For all this time, I had been trying to keep my cool. His words were getting on my nerves, and I couldn't tell how long I could bear with them. My fist shot forward, finding its mark on Noah's jaw. The impact pushed through my hand, jolting my knuckles with searing pain. But at that moment, all I had in my mind were unsorted thoughts of hate and disgust, drowning out any discomfort.

Noah stumbled backward, his body colliding on the floor. His eyes widened with shock, and instinctively, his hand went to his throbbing jaw. Blood trickled from the cut on his lip, "What's wrong with you, Alan?"

"Don't think that you can make people feel the way you want to!"

"I don't even want to, Alan! I don't want to get back anything that I'd broken with my own hands. I just want to do what's best for her..."

The school bell chimed again. Recess is already over, and I didn't even have anything from the cafeteria. Noah sat up on the floor, while I started walking away. I turned to him by the roof gate for the last time, looking right at him.

"If that's what you wanted, then you shouldn't have even thought of leaving her side."

I walked down from the rooftop, back to the classroom. Although we were able to call it a day before letting Iva catch onto anything, the guilt still weighed on my mind. I'm a powerless idiot, something I'd learned from when Noah came into our lives. I'd been really close to Iva, but even then, nowhere near close to understand what was deep inside her heart.

In the end, it was Noah who found her.

That afternoon, I was out in the neighborhood taking a stroll. By then, the evening sun began its descent, casting a warm, golden glow over the town.

Back home, my room had just turned into a sanctuary to breed all my thoughts. That's why I've come out for a breather. And each step I took carried me further away from the chaotic demands of the day, allowing me to immerse myself in the quiet beauty of the surroundings.

Only a few lingering souls were out to savor the fading daylight. A gentle breeze rustled through the trees, whispering secrets and carrying the scent of blooming flowers. But when I was right around the town park, I saw Iva and Noah, talking there. Both of them live close by. Did they meet here by chance, or did Noah call her here?

I tried sneaking by, trying to listen to what they were talking about. Settling behind a bush, I strained to catch their words. Yet, before I could catch onto anything, Iva abruptly broke away, fleeing from the scene. In that fleeting moment, her eyes sparkled, reflecting the hues of the setting sun. But it wasn't just any sparkle. It was evident... she was crying.

That's how things are then, I guess. As I said, she still loves you, Noah. She still loves you. How do you expect me to stand by her side then, when you are the one she wants to be by her side the most? Just what should I do?