VI. it's not about taking sides

I gave up on small talk after Izumi's girlfriend replied with a one-liner for the third time. Birds of a feather, I supposed. It's not like I really knew her, anyway. By the time we reached the same coffee shop we often visited with Kenji and Izumi, I'd begun to feel less like Sisyphus and more like Meursault. When she said, "Since I asked you to come, it's my treat," I, like any self-respecting gentleman would, ordered three cups of coffee and some cake. Pretty sure I saw her eyebrow twitch, but she said nothing about this.

As punishment, perhaps, Izumi's girlfriend chose a table next to the bathrooms. 

"So," she began, at the same time some guy walked out the restroom whilst wiping his wet hands on his pants, "I think both of us are pretty straighforward, so I'll just get to the point: you should say yes to Hanamura."

I waited for a punchline that never came. "What. Didn't you tell me to stay away from her yesterday?"

"That's because I didn't know all the details."

"And her presumed confession fundamentally alters the situation how, exactly?"

"It's not—ugh. It's not like that." I looked out the window instead of at her. The constant flushing noises were driving me homicidal. It wasn't even that full today—never was—and the lack of decoration supposedly drew inspiration from some post-modernist, avant garde shit I did not care too understand. Honda (wait, no, that wasn't it) continued: "Before I keep going, how much do you know about what happened with her?" To which I shrugged. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"I don't really know that much, aside from how everyone's supposed to hate her now or whatever."

A waiter—Nomura’s older brother—delivered our snacks. He tried to make eye contact with me, probably to tease me, but I ignored him on purpose. Its alternative might have been unwise given the circumstances. Still, I kind of felt bad. Izumi's girlfriend Hoshikawa (maybe) took a sip of her tea before proceeding: "I wouldn't say hate, but..." as she trailed off, I looked back at her, because what followed after a phrase like that was more often than not an excuse, sometimes validation. "...she's not a good person. She’s really not.”

I bit on the cookie instead of replying.

"And I know you might be thinking that she's never done anything to you, but that's because you don't know her. Actually, it's also because she's pretty."

Yeah, made sense for me to judge someone based on appearance, being such a looker and all. The first and last time I went to a costume party as a child, they called my dad to come and pick me up, because my zombie persona made all the kids cry and the host choked on his snot and threw up on top of the presents. 

"There's two types of weird: cute if it's done by someone attractive, and creepy if it's not."

Maybe the host's parents would've reacted better to me laughing if I had been 'cute' instead of them telling my dad to get me to a troubled children's psychiatrist. "I didn't help her because she's good-looking, if that's what you're implying," I said. "That's not how that works."

"Then how does it?"

"You help someone because you can, not because of how they look like. Isn't that common sense?"

"No."

"Okay."

"Listen, that's how it should be, but in practice, people go for the pretty girl before anyone else. If you've talked to Waku—Hanamura then you'll know she's kind of..." she trailed off, looking at the walls as though they had the rest of the script. "...peculiar." That was putting it lightly. "But like I said, it's only cute because—"

"I think you're cuter than her," I said. "Not hitting on you or anything, obviously, just saying your argument doesn't hold much weight to me."

This actually stunned her into silence for a moment. Sorry, Izumi, I stole your girlfriend. I was just that gifted at talking to women. "You're lying."

"Nope."

"You have to be lying, or are you being sarcastic? With you I can never tell."

"Ouch. No I'm not. She's... fine, I guess. I don't know. You kind of look like one of those German dolls with more dolls inside them."

I meant it, too. Where Hanamura had a more slender figure, Ho.. shi... no was short but voluptuous and had a sharp, piercing gaze. Case in point: the way she leered at me. "Matrioshka dolls?" She asked. I nodded. "One, they're Russian. Two, I'm still not sure if you're being sarcastic, but I'll let it pass. So you're telling me that if she was the exact same person in the exact same situation but showered once a week, had alopecia due to lack of skin care and brushed her teeth once a month you still would've helped her out?"

It was interesting to hear Hoshino's (?) take on what it meant to be ugly. I shrugged. "Sure. I'd also tell her to get better hygiene."

She'd barely touched her tea while I'd already finished two cups of coffee; I'd have to slow down for the third. Weird how the conversation had gone from her failing to tell me why she wanted me to date a presumed bad person to a failed dissertation on appearance bias. Maybe she thought I'd agree with her because I wasn't good-looking. That I'd side with her. That it'd be enough. I could also just be cynical. Honestly, attractive people should just shut the fuck up on the matter.

Pretty sure her last name was Honda. Wait, no. Wasn't her first name Yuriko or something? She wasn't speaking. Might as well give her some time to drink tea. Say something funny and friendly to dispel any possible hostility. "Is that projection?" I asked. Wait, fuck. It sounded better in my head. Why did it matter, anyway? Whatever. I'd tell Izumi to get his ass ready for a consolation prize if they broke up over this. "Because, as you're probably well aware of, Izumi is an asshole (no pun intended), but since he's good-looking, then... I guess that's fine?"

It took a few seconds for her to reply. "It's not like that."

"Then how is it?"

"Yamazaki does not depend on his appearance."

"But Hanamura does? How?"

She sighed, then gestured at me. "See? I knew it. You're getting defensive about it."

It'd been a genuine question, but if I were to point this out, it'd seem as though I'd gotten defensive about being called out for being defensive. It'd been amusing at first, but this was starting to get annoying. "How about you tell me what she did?" I asked.

"...sure, sorry. I think that'll help. So, for one, she wasn't supposed to give the entrance ceremony speech. That should've been me."

I’m pretty sure I weaponized my condition to be able to skip said speech last year. Few things bored me more than curated, meaningless speeches from people my age. “Oh. That’s too bad.”

Again, she leered at me. It'd been my fault for forgetting to add emotion to that, so I pretended not to notice. Hoshino continued: "The runner up didn't bring anything, so you know what happened? She volunteered. With my speech. Of course, I couldn’t just say no given the situation, so she got the credit. She never told anyone that her debut should’ve been mine.”

“Why couldn’t you say no, though?” 

"It's not like the ceremony could happen without a speech."

"Why didn't you tell anyone that that was supposed to be you, then?"

"I did! I did, actually, but it's like nobody listened. Not until a couple of weeks ago anyway." Fuck, I ran out of coffee. She hadn't even finished half her tea. "To be honest, I don't really like talking behind people's backs, so I tried to get her to admit it instead. Every time I brought up the topic, she'd have something else to do or something she'd forgotten and had to go back to all of a sudden. It got to a point where one day I just couldn't stand it anymore."

If I told her this counted as talking behind someone's back, she might tell me I was on Hanamura's side or something, so I kept it to myself.

"Apparently, she kept saying she's rich, too, and it's not like I like judging people by their cover, but she never really wore anything that'd make her seem wealthy, you know? She also said she knows four languages but I've never heard her talk in anything but Japanese. Because of this, and because she dyes her hair—which you've noticed, I assume—and is tall, a lot of people assume she's half something. She never says yes or no, which means she's not. Why not just be honest about it?"

"What else did she lie about?" I asked.

"Don't get me started. She said she kept getting love letters, but no one ever saw them. She lied about having a boyfriend in another school, that he cheated on her, so she broke up with him, but then we found out her boyfriend's profile was fake. Who does that? Also this stupid... annoying fake cute persona she got going on. I've told her to drop it before, but she pretends not to know what I'm talking about."

At this point, I might as well be a pillow for her to scream against. I said nothing. Didn't need to.

"That's not even scratching the surface, but I'd bore you if I kept talking about all the stupid things she does for attention. Point is, she lies to everyone. That's all she does. I defended her at first, obviously, like the... dumbass I am, but after more and more evidence kept piling up, I just... you understand, right? How it's like to realize someone you used to consider a friend was just using you."

"Yeah."

"Get it now?"

“Yeah.”

Finally, she sipped. At some point, I'd shoved my hands into the pockets of my pants, begun to stare out the window again. It didn't look like it'd rain. I hadn't even noticed the sun had fled already. "Sorry, Watanabe," continued Hoshisomething. "I get that you thought it was nice for someone like her to notice you, but—" 

She stopped. I'd scowled at her before thinking. Right. After shaking my head as if to say 'it's nothing', I turned back to the early evening outside. 

"...sorry, I didn't mean it like that. Um, that's just something she told me she likes doing, too."

"Talking to ugly guys?"

"That's not what I meant. Also, I think you're kind of cute, actually, in an, uh, abstract way."

"Not sure if I should take that as an insult."

"It's not." It was Hoshino's (?) turn to scowl. She'd gone from screaming into her pillow to punching it. "Point is," she said, "She told me she likes talking to SINGLE guys that DON'T SEEM TO LIKE ANYONE so they'll, you know, notice her."

"Okay." Her Freudian slip had hurt more than it should've. Fuck. Ouch. "I still don't get why you want me to date her."

Hoshino lifted her cup, circled it a bit, then put it back down. Few things were more miserable than lukewarm tea. She could also just be stalling. "Listen..." I listened. "It's a bit awkward now that I'm actually saying it out loud. You like pranks, right?"

I nodded. 

"...so my friends and I were thinking, why not give her a taste of her own medicine? After all she did to us... to everyone, really. To you. How about you say yes and give us the details after? Believe me, it's not like she actually likes you or anything. She's probably just trying to use you so she's not alone anymore."

"Are you seriously telling me to get a girlfriend so I can laugh at her behind her back?"

"It's not—"

"—like that? What is it like, then?"

Hoshino sighed. "So you're still siding with her after everything I told you."

"It's not about taking sides."

"Nah. It's about defending the pretty girl so she'll fall for you. Seriously." She sighed. To her credit (?)  Hoshino (?) looked more disappointed than angry. Maybe. I used to think I was good at reading people, but apparently not. Granted, I'd thought Hanamura's behavior was bizarre at the time, but not because she faked it. Now...

'She's probably trying to use you so she's not alone anymore.'

Why was that a bad thing, anyway? It happened all the time. "I have to go," I said. "I'm the one that cooks dinner at home, so."

"...will you tell Yamazaki-san about this?"

"As far as I'm concerned, this is none of his business."

Whatever reaction she had to this, Hoshino kept to herself. As I stood up, she told me, "I thought you were smarter than this, Watanabe. It's disappointing." I said nothing. As I turned to leave, she said, "You guys are all the same."

"Maybe," I replied, then left.