Iva- Whispers From The Heart

Impatiently, I listened to the faint sound of shuffling books and closing lockers as the minutes crept closer. I waited for the clock to hit the hour, for the bell to chime, for the classes to pack up for the day. And then I can be on my way too. 

When you're deeply in love with someone... someone who holds a special place in your heart, you will always want to protect them at any cost. 

That's right... when I was terrified with life itself, when I was pushing everyone away from me, Noah didn't run away. He didn't leave my side. He stayed. He held onto me the whole time. He must have known that if he were to loosen his grip, I would vanish, a fading echo in the distance. Noah didn't erase all my pain or offer to solve all of my problems. He didn't fix everything that was broken. But that's not what I needed anyway. Not really. What mattered most was that... he stayed.

 A feeling, that I'll find home whenever I'll feel lost.

But even then, when we're together, sharing smiles, the fear still lingers deep within me. That the longer I'll keep him close, the longer I'll hold onto these moments, the more I might end up hurting him, in one way or the other. How it all went with me and Alan.

I found myself standing before the door to Noah's hospital room, my hand betraying its unease as it extended toward the cool touch of the doorknob. The air was heavy with the scent of antiseptic, and the soft murmurs of nurses and the beeping of machines filled the corridor. It was just yesterday, when he regained consciousness, his voice a fragile whisper that lingered in the air like a haunting refrain, compelling me to hastily retreat from his presence. I was still flooded with regret and guilt, like a black fog gushing out and suffocating me. every step towards that room felt like a heavy weight upon my heart.

Taking a deep breath, I pushed the door open and entered the room. Noah looked pale and weak, but his eyes brightened as he saw me. 

"Iva..."

I felt a lump forming in my throat, as if guilt consuming me. It was my fault he was lying here, battered and broken, and yet... "Noah," I whispered, tears welling up in my eyes, "It's good to see you're doing fine."

"Well... yeah. The doctor also said that my recovery won't take much time."

I approached his bedside with measured steps, settling down quietly next to him. "Noah, I'm extremely sorry for everything tha-"

"Iva, why are you apologizing? It was just an accident. I'm just glad you are fine."

His frail hand reached out and weakly clasped mine, as if seeking comfort.

"But Noah, it was my-"

"Are you trying to say it's your fault, Iva?" he interrupted, his tone firm. "That I ended up injured because of you?"

"No, I mean..." I faltered, as if the words were stolen from my lips.

His other hand curled into a taut fist, grasping the blanket over him. "It's written all over your face."

I instinctively raised my hand, my fingertips grazing my lips before tracing a hesitant path over my cheeks and then to my eyes, as if my touch could somehow obscure the vulnerability that had been unveiled, to shield myself from his penetrating gaze.

His grip tightened. "You don't need to take it all on yourself, Iva. More than anything, I'm just glad that nothing happened to you."

"What are you saying..."

"Like I said, Iva, you don't need to take it all on yourself. I'm alright now, so it's fine."

"Noah, I..." The lump lodged in my throat seemed to get bigger with every fleeting moment. "I was really happy, that you asked me out that day. I wanted to make the most of the memories of the times I spent with you. But I didn't want to end up with memories like..."

In an instant, his arms encircled me. Our foreheads gently met, our eyes becoming intertwined in a gaze that spoke volumes without uttering a single word. A delicate rush of warmth from his breath brushed my skin, igniting a tender sensation. With a gentle touch, I wrapped my arms around him too, and we sat there, entwined in each other's embrace. He's so close that I could sense the air escaping through his lips, even the softest whisper would be enough for conveying our deepest emotions.

After coming to this town, I thought I could finally leave behind everything from the past and start anew. Meeting Noah gave me newfound belief. He taught me that it's okay even if I don't leave them behind, and that I can become someone strong who won't be defeated by those memories, those emotions. Even these emotions... this moment, I want to hold them tightly. But right now, even though he is right here with me, he felt so distant. Even if I shouted until my voice gave out, they wouldn't reach him. 

I couldn't reach him.

In his eyes, sparkling like luminescent sea pearls, I glimpsed my own reflection, as if they were silently revealing the thoughts hidden in the depths of my mind.

"Who do you think you are, acting all righteous! I know you mock me behind my back, laughing at the pathetic loser I am. I don't need your pity. Just get out of my sight!"

A whisper, a fragment of memory. The words I uttered, laced with hurt, resurfaced. I thought I had put a tight lid on those, and threw them away deep inside of me. We all have little whispers like these, which only we are able to hear. That's who we really are from the inside, the US we so desperately try to hide from others.

Am I really strong enough that one day... I won't be defeated?

Gasping for air, I abruptly pulled away from his embrace. Each breath felt constricted, as if I were drowning in a violent ocean of emotions.

We sat in silence for a moment, both lost in our own thoughts. The room felt suffocating, and I needed to break free from the heaviness that hung in the air. "How long will it take before you can come to school again?" I asked, trying to lighten the mood, though I realized that it wasn't the right thing to ask.

Noah smiled weakly. "Iva, I..."

"What is it, Noah?"

"I wanted to tell you something." He sighed, his expression growing serious. "I've really tried thinking it through, and I believe that it is for the best."

My heart skipped a beat. What could he possibly want to tell me? I braced myself for the worst, fearing what he might say next. "What is it, Noah?"

He took a deep breath, his eyes never leaving mine. "Iva, I think we should break up."

I felt as though the ground had shifted beneath me, and I stumbled for words. "Break up? But... why?"

Noah's voice trembled as he spoke. "Iva, I can't bear the thought of you getting hurt because of me. I'm too weak to stand by your side. I don't want to be the cause of your pain anymore."

"What are you saying, Noah?" Tears welled up in my eyes as the heartache washed over me. "You've never caused me any pain. Rather you were always beside me when I needed you the most."

You'd promised me that you'd be there for me, that you would pull me when I wouldn't be able to stand up. You walked to me through those piles of cold snow, pulled my hand, and promised me that you would show me the spring again. I want to keep holding onto that hand, just like that day, a warmth only I could feel.

"You'll be able to get right back up again, Iva, without me..."

I want to tell him everything, that I still need him, that I want him to be my everything. Yet, his smile, the subtle anguish I couldn't fully grasp, left me bewildered. If he had truly thought everything through, why did it seem like he is hurting so much? Is it right for me to be selfish? Is it right for me to keep hurting Noah?

He shook his head. "Iva, you'll be alright."

I fought back the tears, my voice trembling with desperation. "But Noah, I need you. I need you. I need you..."

It's scary to be on your own. In the end, you can't stand up on your strength alone.

He reached out, gently wiping away a tear that had escaped down my cheek. "Iva, you should start thinking for yourself too. One day you'll find someone who can protect you, make you happy. But I can't be that person to you, after all..."

His words pierced through my heart like a dagger. That same smile still hanged on his face, as if he had forgotten his usual one. Unable to find any more words, I walked out of the room, my cheeks now akin to a canvas brushed by tears. Each step I took carried the weight of a broken heart, a million fragments echoing the ache that now consumed me. The corridor's expanse seemed to stretch endlessly, illuminated by a somber light that cast elongated shadows, echoing the encompassing isolation that now held me in its grip.

Right then... I heard another voice.

"Iva...?"