Alan- What You Do After

The hospital corridors were hushed, bathed in a soft golden glow as the evening sun cast its gentle farewell. My footsteps echoed lightly as I ascended the staircase. But a faint sound from a distance broke the tranquility—a familiar echo. The sound of sobbing reached my ears, reverberating through the gloomy corridors.

I inched forward, my footfalls mere whispers against the floor's surface. Gradually drawing nearer, the sight that unfolded before me cast a long shadow across my heart. There, in the faint light filtering through the staircase, huddled in a corner, , like a puppet with all her strings entangled. Her silhouette draped in sadness, tears streaming down her face. 

"Iva...?" I asked, as in the silence even my hushed voice sounded unbearable.

She looked up, as her teary eyes cast a long gaze at mine. "Alan, why are you here?"

"I'm just here to check on Noah, but what are you doing in a place like this? Haven't you come to see Noah too?"

She remained silent, wiping the tears from her eyes. I continued, hoping for a connection. "Did you meet Noah already?" Her trembling hands fumbled for words, but none escaped her lips. I'd never seen Iva like this before, so fragile... like an ice-doll, as if the warmth of the slightest of my touch would leave her breaking down.

The flashes of memories from that day came gushing back at me. Even after knowing Iva for so long, to me, that day I'd seen a side of her she'd never shown me before. A side of her I'd never known anything about. It was like I kept called her name, again, and again, till my voice broke. And I learned each time that nothing called back. I learned that no matter how much I called her out, how many times I scream, it's out of my reach.

But even then, is it wrong for me to be so selfish, Iva? For being so selfish? 

"Iva, did you meet Noah? Or didn't you? Please tell me..."

Yet, she didn't say anything. I pressed on each word, as I continued. "Iva, please... say something."

The words ringed back on forth, and at long last, her voice emerged from the quiet abyss. "No, I didn't..."

I sighed, as I took careful steps towards her. She turned her gaze away from me, while I sat down right beside her. "Iva, can you tell me, what's been hurting you so much?"

"Why do you think so...?"

I tried following her gaze, so glean and distant. "Because you seem so, Iva. You seem really hurt to me."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying the truth, Iva. I'm not joking... please tell me what's hurting you."

"Don't say it like that!" She screamed, though her voice breaking down afterward, "When I'm the one who ends up hurting others."

"What do you mean, Iva?" I placed my hand over her shoulder, forcing her to bring her gaze back to mine. But she won't budge.

"That day, when Noah got into the accident, he was on a date with me. A car came rushing towards us in the rain, and Noah ended up getting hit by the car trying to protect me. It was all my fault that he ended up like that..."

Her words wavered and dissolved into sobs once more. My heart plummeted, my breath weary, as if I had been cast from the heavens themselves. Until that moment, I hadn't mustered the courage to ask about Noah's accident. Perhaps I had been shielding myself from a truth I wasn't prepared to face. But I could have never anticipated what I was about to discover.

"So you had been taking on the burden all to yourself again?"

"What are saying, Alan. It's all my fault. I'm the one to blame."

She's always sitting there, as if in one corner of a dimly lit room, from the day we had met. Always remaining a mystery to me, always alone. But deep inside, I could tell that she was strong, and kind, and that she could take on and face everything by herself. I had admired that side of hers. The kindness that she had shown me, the strength that she had shown me, I'd loved it all. Even now her weaknesses...

"So what's the problem? You say it's all your fault, that you are the one to blame? Don't give me that!"

I want to reach her, and grab hold of her.

"What are you saying, Alan?"

"You'll always keep hurting others. And they in return will keep hurting you back. That's how things work. You'll hurt, you'll get hurt. You'll learn about others, and in turn also learn about yourself too. Is there anything wrong in that?"

"But I'm the one who's always hurting everyone," Iva lamented, her anguish seeping through her words like a scar. "And at the end I'm also the only one who is taken care of. I can't do anything by myself."

"What's wrong with that, being cared for?"

"But I don't want it..."

My heart clenched, as I swiftly denied her claim. "You should just let yourself be taken care of, Iva. It's okay to be powerless sometimes. But the important thing is what you do after that. Will you keep letting yourself be cared for, or..."

"But-"

"Don't always think like that, Iva..." I insisted, my voice steady with resolve. "Seeing you like this also hurts me. But that's how I want to learn more about. I want to care for you, and see all sides of you, Iva."

"Please stop." Iva hurled away from my reach, pressing both her hands over her ears. "I don't want to hear anything else. Please stop."

An impenetrable wall, a room I don't have the keys to. Am I being too selfish? Am I doing all of this just for my sake?

"Iva?"

Maybe it is the guilt, for not reaching out to her for so long. Though I couldn't tell. She'd been hurting for so long, yet silently enduring all of it by herself. But even if it is for the sake of myself only, I'd never leave a friend of mine alone in a state like this. I won't let anyone hurt her anymore, even if I need to get these hands of mine stained for it.

All of a sudden, she stood up. She didn't even glance for a moment at me, and slowly started walking down the stairs. I got up and chased after her, grabbing her by the arm. She finally looked at me. "Iva, I never knew that all along you'd been trying your best for our sake. You were really trying your very best."

A gentle touch, but she stopped in her path. "But I want you to trust in us too, Iva... and let us try our best. Even if it takes a long time, I'm sure things will work out."

Ah, I've always wanted to show this smile to her. Not the one I usually wear on my face, but the one coming deep from my heart. "I'm sure things will work out."

The moment dissolved into a fleeting farewell, as she pushed me away and started walking down again, this time with longer strides. Unlike before, I refrained from pursuing her steps, for I had bared my heart to her. "Even if it takes a long time, huh? I wonder how long that'll be..."

For a moment, I stood there, grappling with the swirling emotions in my chest. I remembered just then, that I had come to meet Noah today. "Damn, I'm really late."  I composed myself once more, heading towards Noah's room.

Inside, Noah's face lit up as I entered, a smile dancing in his tired eyes. We shared stories, laughter, and moments of respite. But in the quiet moments between our words, I couldn't help but wonder about Iva, the tears she shed, and the wounds she carried—questions that would continue to haunt me long after the hospital corridors faded from view.

Noah and Iva, they're both quite the mystery to me.

“I actually have something to tell you. Just you, Alan...”