The Lies We Tell Ourselves

The journey to Astern seemed to have started out on the right foot. The road ushered the travelers mostly through long stretches of meadow with tall green grasses and specklings of cheerful daisies, rainbows of lupine, and vibrant bell flowers throughout. A birch lined river snaked its way in the opposite direction, flowing away from the snow peaked mountain range that reached towards the clouds that they were steadily making their way to.

The group had set out early, before even the first rays of light could peek over the horizon. Sakura was in high spirits at the prospect of information that they could actually use, and possibly be one step closer to finding out more about Ivy’s past and what exactly she may be. The woman practically skipped down the road, arm in arm with the girl, joyfully chattering and barely coming up for air.

As if everything was just fine and always had been.

Ren felt uneasy with how the night had ended. He wanted to push the issue, make Sakura come to grips with Raz’s death, knowing full well that she’d been going through the last six years running from it.

Alone.

The same way he had.

There had been a time where they would have dealt with it together; pushing and pulling against each other, being weak when the other was strong, and strong when the other was weak. They could lean on each other, be what the other needed, and receive the same in exchange. They had spent their childhood relying on each other, a constant that was as predictable as the sun rise. Now, it was only Ren reaching out while Sakura pulled away, staying just out of his grasp, refusing to be caught.

Not that he could blame her. Right or wrong, he had made his decision those years ago knowing full well what it would entail. What it would do to them.

The look she had given him at the door was how he felt. Lost. Heartbroken. Guilty.

And it kept him quiet. Kept him from stealing her laughter and the effortless way she danced along the path with the girl, picking flowers and braiding them in each other's hair. Kept him from destroying this moment of temporary euphoria she was experiencing in exchange for an encore of their shared misery. Kept him from tearing the bandage off and actually trying to heal the wound. Instead, he chose to ignore it and continue to let it fester. Ren would watch it grow and further infect the woman’s already volatile state of mind, eating away at what stability she had managed to maintain. Because as much as he wanted what he wanted and wanted it now, he couldn’t force it. He had to let it be. Let it come as it may. Allow her to deal with it in her own time. Wait for her to come to him.

So they continued along with the sun rising higher and higher in the sky; Sakura and Ivy gabbing and giggling while twirling each other round and round, their cherry and amethyst tresses like a flowing garden, Zero quietly following along, and Ren observing, content with the current superficial peace they had found with one another.

As night fell, they made camp and studied the map around the fire.

Ivy traced her finger along the line for the road, stopping at the mountains they had been going towards all day. “We should make it to the base by mid-morning if we leave early again. There’s a small village before we get into the range where we might be able to pick up a few more supplies. The weather is unpredictable and can be pretty severe, so it wouldn’t be a bad idea to get a little extra.”

The man peered over the girl’s shoulder. “The path goes pretty high in elevation. You should be okay with your cloak, Little One, but what about you? I don’t think those shorts are gonna cut it.” He turned his attention to the fox as she plucked the wilted flowers from Ivy’s hair and unraveled the braids.

Sakura reached into her boot and pulled out a dark blue ribbon. “I’ll be fine.” She gave it a wiggle and tucked it back in place. “I’m sure you’ll survive somehow.”

“Somehow.” He jangled his bracelet and grinned at the demon who glared back.

Ivy looked at the devil. “How about you, Zero? Will you be alright, or should we try to get you something more in the village?”

Zero’s eyes met the girls. “I don’t really get cold,” he said softly.

“It’s true,” Ren cooed as he wrapped his arms around the boy’s shoulders and rubbed his cheek affectionately into his white hair. “Zero’s always so nice and toasty warm.”

The devil sat there completely straight faced as if there wasn’t a towering man burrowing into his scalp. “Are you sure your cloak will be enough?” he asked Ivy.

“It should be.” She nodded slightly, giving the question extra consideration. “I’ve never had a problem with the cold before.”

“If not, you can just cuddle with Zero,” the angel chimed with a teasing grin. “I’m sure he won’t mind.”

The girl quickly looked down at her lap while the boy’s eyes narrowed along with a slight offset of his jaw, neither knowing how to respond to the suggestion. The man had a special talent in making things exceedingly awkward, and he took immense pleasure in doing so.

Sakura wasn’t nearly as amused as she tugged the angel off of the devil. “Will you leave them alone?!” she scolded. “Nobody needs or wants your opinion.”

“You need to be nice,” Ren feigned innocence. “He will be the one to save us all from hypothermia!”

“Good!” the fox shot back. “He can sleep in the tent with us. You can freeze!”

“Ivy!” the man cried to the girl, searching for an ally in his plight. “Sakura’s being mean to me again! Tell her I’m allowed in the tent, too.”

Ivy sighed, wondering when she had become responsible for two people older than herself. “I think it’s time for bed.” She stood and gently pulled Sakura towards the tent. “Good night, Ren. Good night, Zero.” Her farewell to the boy more subdued, still feeling the humiliation of the angel’s words nibbling at her.

The two girls made their way to the tent as Ren called after them, still ever hopeful. “I’m scared of the dark! Can I sleep with you?”

“No!” Sakura barked as she disappeared within. Ivy gave the angel a sympathetic shrug and followed.

He scowled, settling next to Zero who had claimed the map. “One of these days that’s gonna work,” the man informed no one in particular.

“I don’t think it will,” the devil stated, foreseeing only failure in the angel’s future.

“Just you wait. It’ll happen. She can pretend all she wants, but she can’t resist me forever.” The angel watched the tent closely, plotting his next attack. “Don’t let that violent temper of hers fool you. It just means she’s still madly in love with me. She’ll come around.”

Zero had no intention of arguing or entertaining the man in his delusions. All he ever seemed to do was upset the vixen in one way or another all while convincing himself that he was furthering his own agenda. The boy wanted no part of any of it. “How long will it take to get through the mountains?” he asked, figuring it was best to change the subject.

Ren turned back to join him in studying the map. “Probably two days. Maybe more if the weather turns and stays bad. As mild as it’s been we should be able to make it through without too much problem, but those mountains really are unpredictable. It’s not unheard of for it to be clear skies, then pour rain or hail or dump a bunch of snow that melts off in a few hours.” He looked at the boy. “You need to constantly be aware of Ivy.”

Zero nodded, his focus on the map, the unsettled feeling from the man’s earlier teasing still lingering. It was probably just another opportunity for him to pick on the boy and he would rather just ignore it.

“Look at me, boy.” The devil turned to the angel as his voice became stern. “I’m serious. Those mountains are dangerous and people freeze to death, or drown, or get caught in mudslides all the time. If you or Sakura or I get separated, we’ll be fine. The same doesn’t go for Ivy. She doesn’t have the same strength and stamina. Even if she gets separated with Sakura, depending on how bad the weather is, it could end up very badly for her. Do you understand?”

“I do.”

“Good.” Ren ruffled his hair and laid back, his hands cradling his head. “Who knows, if you’re lucky maybe you’ll get to keep her warm,” he said with a sly smirk, unable to resist harassing the quiet boy for long and hoping for an interesting reaction.

Zero felt the familiar pull in his chest at the thought. He certainly wouldn’t mind being put in a situation where their bodies were forced to be in close proximity of each other. The touch of her skin, the melodies from her lips, her smell…

Zero looked at Ren dubiously. “Are you planning something?”

“No,” the man said lazily, his eyes closed. “But I could.” He peeked out of one eye at the devil, knowing full well what the boy wanted. He had always been difficult to read but when it came to Ivy, the angel could see it written all over the devil’s face. “Would you like me to?”

Zero did want him to.

The boy had no idea how to navigate his budding relationship with the girl when there were two other people there with voices louder and more demanding than his own. Sakura had been with Ivy for years and the intimacy the two shared was tightly woven and completely their own. One that was untouchable by anyone other than them. And Ren had always been able to quickly read those around him and adjust accordingly in order to articulate himself effortlessly. It seemed to come second nature to the man; able to seamlessly slip into any conversation without fail. Zero was the odd one out. It took time for him to string the right series of syllables together in order to create a coherent response. There was no way he could compete with the other two for Ivy’s attention.

And more than anything, he wanted it fully without any distractions.

“No,” Zero muttered and laid down, turning on his side away from the angel.

Ren closed his eye and chuckled softly, “What have I told you about lying?”