A Food Hack

One of the most tense face-offs of thumb war was taking place. Hand in hand, me and Sofía were at a standstill, thumbs squared up and ready for the other’s move.

Imani, who was at the edge of her Sofía lap seat, was paying close attention to our every move. “Get her Papa!”

“Mmm mm mmmm mmmmm.” Samuel presumably cheered with a hum to his mother, having a mouth filled with McNuggets.

With my larger thumb advantage I charged forward, trying to wrap around hers and press it down, but she expertly dodged and discombobulated my thumb. She’s skilled, possibly from countless hours of handwork.

Struggling to keep up with her moves, I had to know her secret. “You’re pretty good, don’t tell me you’ve been training in thumb war.”

“You’re just slow.” Sofía caught me off guard and put a heavy hold on my thumb in the middle.

“What?”

“One… two… three…” Imani counted, but it was so slow it allowed me time to release myself, otherwise I’d have lost right there.

“That’s not fair!” Sofía cried. “You’re counting too slow.”

She’s right, with how adorably my daughter thinks before each number, the countdown to ten is more like fifteen, which makes this battle weigh in my favor. I’m easily caught, but I have the strength to break free if given the time, all Sofía has is skill.

“All I hear is excuses!” I pin her thumb down with a strong position.

Imani started to count once more, causing Samuel to stop chewing his food and stare. I thought I had everything in the bag, half of my fries weren’t being taken away today, but then I saw the look on Sofia’s face.

“It hurts.” She whimpered.

I loosened my grip and let her go, pulling my hand back to my side. It’s a reflex from a time I don’t wish to remember.

“Sorry!”

“Carmine?” Sofía’s eyes widened with concern as she laid her hand down. “I wasn’t being serious.”

“Papa is out!” Imani threw a thumb back like in baseball.

“You got me good. I’ll get you back another time.” I nervously brushed it off.

Sofía shot me a wary look. “I don’t think that’s right.”

“It was clever.”

Trying to pull a curtain over it wasn’t going to work against her.

“It was inconsiderate. I’m sorry.”

“No need for apologies, I was just overreacting.”

I was already over it. Instincts kick in from time to time and I wasn’t going to let stuff like that hold me down. My main concern was whether or not Sofía would leave it be after I exposed such a vulnerable side of myself.

“How about we have a rematch?” Sofía held out her hand again.

Of all things to do, a rematch wasn’t what I was expecting of her.

“Um, I don’t know. I think I’m fine with taking the loss for today.”

“Oh come on. I won’t pull any tricks this time.”

Whatever she was planning, I thought it was out of pity. Even so, I wasn’t going to turn her down, as it’d only perpetuate the idea that I’m still afraid.

“Sure, but don’t go easy on me.”

We locked hands and prepared the thumb war once more. 

“A wee-mash?” Samuel’s jaw dropped. “Kick his butt Mommy!”

“Kick her butt Papa!” Imani shouted over Samuel.

“I’ll try my best.” Me and Sofía both said at the same time, but only one of us would be speaking the truth.

Imani counted down and we were back off to another thumb war. This time, I was playing softer, but Sofía realized and it upset her. But, instead of complaining about me throwing the game, she took the advantage and mercilessly held me down. 

“Papa, you need to get out or you’ll lose!”

“Aren’t you supposed to be counting Imani?” Sofía rubbed Imani’s head with her free hand’s knuckles.

“Oh, uh… One… Two…"

With what felt like a millennia long countdown, my loss was called to Imani's grief.

“Best of tree!” Imani demanded.

“Imani, she already won twice.”

“And?”

“Two is already a win for a best of three.”

“Huh?”

“I already lost the best of three.”

“Oh, that stinks.”

“It’s how it is. Now you can take half my fries miss champion of thumb war.” I began to pull my hand, but it failed.

Sofía looked at me with a reassuring smile as she continued to hold my hand tighter. I thought it might have been out of spite for my malpractice, and the smile was just a façade, but she warped it into us locking fingers.

“It’s okay.” She said with a tender voice, tightening her grasp.

When she spoke it resonated within me, and my heart thumped as a side effect. Such words have never felt so calming. The last I remember something similar to this feeling, it was when I was a child being nursed from sickness by my mother.

"Another war?" Imani observed our interlocked hands.

"No, we're just relaxing." Sofia brought our hands up as an example.

"You hold hands to re-wax?" Samuel joined Imani's confusion.

"Something like that.

Our hands detached from each other and I was left speechless, longing for more. I think It's been said many times before, but I really am head over heels for this crazy woman. In just the little time we've known each other, I've become so comfortable.

“Imani, give your papa a hug. He just lost twice.” Sofía stroked Imani’s head.

“Yes ma’am!” Imani quickly climbed down from Sofia’s lap and ran to me.

When Imani jumped into my arms, tears of joy started to well up inside.

“It’s okay Papa, you’ll win next time.”

“Thanks Imani.” My voice strained.

“Love you Papa.”

“I love you too.”

The only family I truly have left, my own daughter. She’s so precious. Such an overload of happiness was surely going to make me cry, but I was too insecure to stay and show this side of me.

“I have to go to the bathroom.” I put Imani down and stood up. “Can I trust you to watch her?”

“Yes, she's safe in my hands.” Sofía waved at Imani and Imani went back over to Sofía’s side.

“Be right back.”

Quickly I went through the restaurant and back into the bathroom. My nose started to run and my eyes were watering. The first thing I did was seclude myself in a bathroom stall. Fortunately nobody was there to witness me; a grown-ass man, crying in the McDonald’s bathroom with joy, that's probably the last thing someone would be doing on a McToilet.

I wiped at my eyes and sniffed to try to keep my composure, but I was a complete mess. Sitting on the toilet seat, I used the toilet paper to wipe my eyes and blow my nose.

Some time passed and I was finishing the release of all my tears when I heard the door to the bathroom open. I shut my mouth to hide my crying presence, but I could tell right away it was my daughter just by the pattern and sound of her footsteps.

“Papa?”

“Yes.”

“You pooping?”

My tearful happiness immediately transformed to a burst of laughter.

“Yea.” I lied, then I realized I would probably have to eat a worm. “No actually, I’m crying.”

“You’re pooping and crying?”

“No, I’m not pooping, I’m just crying.”

“Then why are you in the bathroom?”

“Because…” I didn’t have a clue how to fight my daughter’s logic at the time. “You’re right, I am pooping. Can you go back to Sofía please.”

“Sofía said your food is gonna be cold, and if you don’t eat it, she will.

“Tell her that’s mean.”

“Ok!” Imani scurried away back to Sofía.

I stood up from the toilet and flushed the paper I used away. 

In front of the sink, staring at the mirror, I had to remind myself what I looked like. I didn’t want to walk out the bathroom after losing a thumb war twice looking like a complete mess. My hair was tied back, but many strands were loose from the times I ran my hand through it, and the area around my eyes were pinkish. Quickly undoing my hair and having it fall down over my back and shoulders, then gripping it all in my hands and tying it back up behind my head into a neat bun, I gained back some confidence.

I’m gonna walk out of this McDonald’s bathroom like someone who didn't cry over a thumb war. I splash some water in my face and rub my eyes. The one thing me and my daughter share is our blue eyes, other than that, she’s the spitting image of my former lover, if my memory of her childhood photos serve me correct.

On my way out of the bathroom I struggled with the paper towel machine. My hands were wet and when I tried to pull at it, the paper would rip into wonky triangles down the middle. Cheap piece of junk. Worst of all it didn’t have one of those levers or hand sensors to get more paper towels, you had to pull at the paper to get more. So with my hands still soaking wet, it would slip off and break little chunks without pulling the paper out. I gave up eventually and resorted to shaking my hands, but that only left them moist.

Went into the bathroom a loser and came out a failure. I couldn't even dry my hands properly. Now I look like I was struggled with more than just the paper towels back there. When I came back to my seat all tidied up but wet-handed, everyone was completely done with their food except Sofía, who seemed to have not even touched theirs. I sat down and all she did was look at me. Imani and Samuel went back to playing.

“Here.” Sofía handed over a napkin.

“Thanks.” I took the napkin and wiped down my face and hands.

Half my fries weren't taken away. I honestly didn't care if she did. 

“Isn’t your food cold?” I broke the silence.

“It’s fine, I don’t really mind it when it comes to fast food.”

“Ah, me neither.”

“Let’s dig in.”

Almost in sync, I unwrapped my burger and so did she, but when I took my first bite, I noticed that instead of Sofía following through with the same action, she took out another sandwich and deconstructed them both.

“Um, what are you doing?” I put my burger down.

“Oh, nothing. Don’t mind me.” She started to meticulously stack the parts of the sandwiches together into one.

“I can’t ignore it.”

First she comes to a fast food restaurant dressed in this goat cosplay with no shame, then she starts doing wacky food science in front of me. Am I supposed to just think this is normal? Or am I the weird one for not doing something like that? I legitimately considered dumping the fries on my burger for a moment, but found that too uncharacteristic of me.

“It’s a food hack.”

“A food hack?”

“Yea, you take two menu items and combine them in a way that creates an entirely new experience.”

“But you’re not hacking anything, you're just combining stuff.”

“It’s internet lingo, Gramps. Ever heard of a life hack?”

“Gramps? I’m twenty-five! And no, what does hacking have to do with your life?

“Do you use a computer?”

“Yes, all the time at work.”

“No, for games and chatting.”

“I send emails, that’s about it.”

Sofía was impressed, even putting down her mutant burger creation to contemplate my very existence.

“You’re telling me, you grew up in the twenty-first century without any games?”

“I played those arcade things and had an Xbox.”

“Which one?”

“There’s more?”

“Yes, there’s the series, the one, the three-sixty, and the Xbox, plus some variants.”

“You just spoke alien to me. All I had was an Xbox.”

“So the OG Xbox.”

“What the hell is OG?”

“Oh my god.” Sofía facepalmed.

“What? I’m sorry. Did I do something wrong?”

“No-no, all good, OG means original.”

“Ah, the original Xbox.” I spoke to myself, embedding the idea in my brain. “The OG Xbox.”

“Do you understand?”

“Yea, I get it now.”

Sofía smiled and proceeded to eat her Frankenstein burger. “You’re so cute.”

I too took a bite of my own burger, and when she said that, I choked on my food slightly. Teasing that goes this far is gonna make a man think things. Maybe I’m just gullible is what she meant, if so, she’s probably not wrong.

“Is it because I don’t know this internet lingo you speak of?”

“No.” She leaned across the table.

Her hand was now on route to my face. Was she going to pull me in for a kiss? And so soon? I’m not ready at all! I closed my eyes and prepared my heart, but instead she only grazed my cheek with a finger.

“Because you’re so pure.” She brought back her hand and showed me the burger sauce she wiped off my face.

If just being touched on the cheek was already this heart-racing, imagine the actual heart attack I had when she proceeded to suck the burger sauce off her finger.

This woman was crazy and dangerous!