Redemption and Approval

It was now the last period of today’s class, and I still couldn’t stop thinking about my encounter with Alice.

Why was I so angry?

What was I going to do to her?

Thoughts like those kept filling my head, and they pained me every time because I couldn’t find any clear answers. In an attempt to find out the reason for my first inquiry, I recalled a memory. Like I was subconsciously blocking it out, the recollection was clouded. As fuzzy as it may have been, I could materialize the image of Kiri’s lips enclosing mine. However, I held her shoulders midway, obstructing her from continuing.

“I’m really sorry...”

“…” She said nothing and almost expressed the same. Her face was blank, yet her stare left me frozen.

There were nothing but chaos in her eyes. As the intense war between emotions battled throughout the dark wasteland, it was hard to pinpoint what exactly she was feeling. However, the coldness of hers undoubtedly cried out dread and despair. And my heart stopped, and it ached, and I couldn’t stand it.

“I c-“

“You know what, Stan, it’s fine.”, I could feel slight aggression in her voice as if she was holding in.

As I stood there speechless, powerlessness overwhelmed me. I was in fear of something, but some force just kept blocking those memories out. Like I myself didn’t want to know. Like I didn’t want to blame myself.

Then the memory froze, it was all I could remember. Maybe the source of my anger was towards myself for not being able to do anything. Yet I targeted Alice, was I just aimlessly blaming it all on her? Or was it because of her prejudice, she knew nothing about our situation? No, I can’t condemn her, I didn’t even remember what happened clearly.

Still, that left another question, did Kiri really run away because of me? I knew I was her best friend but, I was still only a friend, not her family, not her flesh and blood. I guess the thought never occurred to me because I didn’t think I myself was that important. And, considering her family situation, it all just wouldn’t make sense If I was the one prominent factor.

Now, regarding the second inquiry, I really don’t know. Or more like I’m too afraid to know. What I might have done would have been bad, and I know that I can’t ignore that. This has to change, I’ve got to stop having these malicious tendencies. I’m not evil or violent. I have to be the good guy, or at least somewhere close.

Once again, I asked myself.

Why am I like this?

“Hey, how long are you gonna stare at that table?”

Breaking me out of my submergence, I was forced to look up at the one responsible for such action.

“Oh, it’s you, hippy guy.”

“Hippy guy?”

Right, that was just his nickname, seemed like I’d forgotten his real one though.

“I mean friend number 1. Anyway, what do you want?”

“What a tone you’re using towards the people whom you owe a serious apology to.”, MTG joined the chat.

“What do you mean?”

“Do you know how embarrassing it was for us? If those two girls were cute it would have been fine, but it’s even worse than just not being cute, they were fucking over-protective lesbians!”

I raised my eyebrow.

“Elaborate.”

“Don’t you ‘elaborate’ us. You said that we were hitting on Alice, and so they decided to give us a beating of a lifetime. “

“They said I was cringe and should dig myself a hole. And all I did was add ‘girl’ to every sentence. How could someone be so mean.”

PFFT, that’s completely understandable.

“I mean I get why they would insult him but WHY ME TOO? Saying we can’t have ‘our cute little angel’ or ‘baby doll Alice’. What the fuck is wrong with these bitches, I hadn’t even said anything yet.”

“Hey, how could you say that to me, it wasn’t that cringe or anything. I was just being chill.”

Surprisingly, these two proved to be more than pawns, they’re actually very adept at clownology.

“Guess that’s my revenge for yesterday. I owe you two bastards nothing.”

“We’re not the same men anymore after this tragedy. Yet you’re not even going feel the slightest of guilt.”

“Shame on you, Stan my man, shame on you.”

Okay, maybe I did feel that I owed them something. After all, they were very amusing.

“Sure, I’ll let y’all borrow my motor for making me laugh.”

“For reals?”, both cried out simultaneously, never thought they were that interested in bikes.

“Sure, if you guys break it I’ll just sue your ass and get more money anyway.”

“Can this guy be nice for once?” Sighed MTG.

“Here’s the key. I’m not gonna supervise you kids so have fun.”, I stood up as I said and strolled my way out of class.

Now as for why I gave away the tool for transporting myself back home. I think I also owed Alice an apology. As much as the thought of talking with her again sent me chills, I deemed that it was necessary. And plus, for some unknown reason, I wasn’t that anxious now. I guess talking to those two guys made me feel somewhat better. Thank you, dumb fucks.

I was swift in reaching Alice’s class, but she wasn’t there despite my effort. I asked the two friends of hers and they told me she hurriedly left for the school gates. Could she be thinking of holding me there? If I was the one taking the initiative I thought it’d grow my confidence. However, the situation at hand seemed not to be the case, and I cowered a tad at the thought of it. After bracing myself, I dragged myself to the destined location.

As I turn outside the building, a warm glow surrounded me. It was now twilight, and with its signature tawny tone, I was suddenly filled with contentment. As I ambled through the straight terracotta path, I saw Alice standing below the rectangular metallic gates three times her height. This miniaturized the girl’s size by a margin, but I knew that held no relation to her intimidation.

“So you didn’t run away, huh?” she spoke.

“Yeah, I hadn’t finished what we were talking about.”

She moved aside from the gates and behind me, facetiously, she asked.

“Oh? Thought of reasons to defend yourself now?”

I turned my back, facing her.

“Yes, and no.”

She made a confused sound and looked at me with raised eyes. Not minding her expression, I continued.

“I do remember her trying to kiss me. And yes I didn’t accept it. But it wasn’t because I was scared of her or anything, it was something else.”

“Something else?”

“Yes. I can’t, or don’t want to remember. And frankly, if I do I don’t feel like telling you. And that’s beside the point, I don’t think I agree with you on why she ran away, I wasn’t the main issue.”

She appeared to be irritated for a split second before holding back.

And, a tiresome exhale was heard.

“You know what? That’s fine.”

“Hmm?” Shocked by her abrupt gentleness, I looked at her questioningly.

“I can't believe I'm telling you this." she gave another exhale. "You aren’t the only one who was hiding secrets you know, it’s Kiri too. She blamed you for a lot of her troubles but never actually told the whole story. She was my friend, so I took her side, but it was horrible of me to take nothing with a grain of salt and just assumed you were the villain of the story. I’m just an outsider prying into your past life, and I’ve got no right to do so. Well, all I want to say is, I’m really sorry for scaring you back there. I let my impulses take control.”

What the hell happened to her? She’s being apologetic???

The sudden guilt Alice was showing made me self-reflect, pushing me to do the same.

“No, you were just being a good friend. And, I’m sorry for suddenly bringing up the story of someone you were close to long ago. It was probably hard on you when she ran away, despite that you were here and cared for her.”

“It’s okay, I’m fine now. What’s honorable is you still trying to Kiri, it meant that you still care for her and repenting your mistakes now. At least you’ve still got hope of finding your friend…” She looked to the side with chagrin.

I stared at her as the tiny girl looked down on the ground. I couldn’t waste my chance to my inquiry, and so despite finding it hard to break the mood, I asked.

“What did Kiri tell you?”

She looked up and met my eyes. Hesitatingly, as if wondering If she should continue or not, she spoke.

“I said that Kiri was bored with her life before, and that’s the reason why she ran away. But that’s what she told me. However, I don’t think that was just the entire case, I heard her parents divorced back when she was in middle school, at the end of those years.”

I knew it. To hell with you, you old sag of shit.

“What made you think that way?”

“She was extremely secretive whenever I asked about it. I mean it’s certainly sensitive, but Kiri never accepted that her situation was not well. She said it was fine but it definitely affected her. It’s almost as if she rejected the reality completely and blamed it all on everything else, on you.”

The sun was now beneath its prior heights, and I could feel the tone turn grimmer. It’s only normal if the separation of her would family hurt her, but for that to happen she had to be close to her parents. Concerning her mother, I don’t think that’s the case. However, there was still the dad.

“What was her dad like? Did Kiri say anything fondly about him?”

Alice raised her eyes as if a light bulb was on her head.

“She told me she never wanted to meet her dad again and never spoke of his existence, ever. Could it be she felt betrayed because her dad left?”

“… I think that might be the case…”

“The fact that she didn’t fit into her class was detrimental as well. First, it was her dad, and then you, and then the rest of everyone around her. She just kept getting rejected. She had no one, even I wasn’t enough.”

As her head lowered, I could feel her voice shake, like she was trying her hardest to keep it in.

Then, a sudden despondency hit me.

I wonder, was she lonely when it all happened? For her loving father who’s been there her entire life to just not be a part of it no longer. When the stability of her family suddenly vanished and her home would never be whole ever again. Was that why she longed for someone? Someone who could fill up her void, someone who could be her new family?

Was that why she longed for me?

My vision started to blur, and I could feel moisture filling my eyes. My heart ached, and my arm went limp. As I struggle to hold it in, my forearm wiped away the dampness on my face and I grinned my teeth.

And I fucking rejected her.

If only I had been with her, cared for her. She wouldn’t have felt so lonely, she had no one, even her best friend she couldn’t count on.

“Hey, you okay there?”

How could I have done her like that? Why was I so fucking stupid?

“Hey! Are you okay?”

Her shout pulled me back into reality, and also the realization that I looked ridiculous. I probably bore the semblance of a spoiled crying child.

“No, no, I’m fine.” I peered at Alice with my still hazy view, a look of awkwardness from her face. Nevertheless, I did not mind, I was ready to repent.

“Alice, I’m sorry for taking so long to finally understand.”

“What?”

“Kiri has always been there for me when we were kids, yet I couldn’t return the favor the only time she needed it. I rejected her, just like fate had done the same. That’s when I knew, there was nothing that could justify my wrong-doing, I was entirely to blame. You’re frustration was completely accountable.”

Alice stood there speechless, still confused about my sudden statement.

“But it’s okay, I know that I was a sack of shit now, and I’m going to fix it. Even if the world is against me, I will take her side. Even if it’s meaningless now, I will repay her. I don’t care if she has been missing for almost two years already, I will find her and be there for her when we do meet again. That kiss she was giving me then, I’m embracing it now. I am hers.”

Although still baffled by my sentimental and embarrassing speech, halfway through she started looking at me in a somewhat serious way. As if giving me respect, Alice gave me a smile of recognizance.

“I didn’t know you were that dramatic, but I really can’t laugh when you’re this serious.”

Pausing for a second, as If reflecting on something, Alice exhaled a lengthy sigh.

“I regret lashing out at you, maybe I was just being a jealous bitch. Getting to know you more than a past love rival, I understand now. You’re a good guy, Stan, at least you are now. I trust you with my Kiri.”

An acceptance from Alice was enough to repair something inside me, I was being relied on. I was no longer a worthless coward, and I’m ready to fix what I had wronged, and someone believed in that. Though, her choice of words was a bit baffling.

“Wait, what do you mean love rival? And your Kiri?”

As bewildered as I might have looked. She just gave a slight smirk and said nothing.

“Alice, what are you doing with that scrawny-looking guy!”

Two girls came up two us and pulled Alice away from me. I didn’t know why but I could feel daggers coming from their eyes.

“Nothing, let’s get away from this loser.”

Wow, and I was just thinking well of you.

As they swiftly strolled away from this loser standing idly, I could see the tiny girl in the middle with both of her hands occupied by her two friends.

Over-protective lesbians, huh?

Figuring I had been staring at them and probably looked like a creep, I diverted my eyes toward two other people. But they were guys, stupid guys.

Good, I still can go home.

Those two idiots did not break my motorbike, and I felt relief of that fact.

                                                                           ***

Since yesterday was the last day of our exam period, starting from tomorrow we will have a week off. With both resolve and information on my hand, there was no longer any purpose in my staying here.

And so, in the next episode of finding my childhood friend who tried to kiss me but I refused and now I regret it. The main character will finally be on the road!

…

I knew I had my mind set on finding her and plan to take this seriously but, I wonder why I made that joke to myself. It wasn’t even funny really. But the silver lining here is that I guess it somewhat shows that I’m not trying to be an empty husk of flesh. Whatever could have made me think that way? Find out in the next… okay I’ll stop.

Today was certainly more dramatic than I had anticipated. Despite that, I would again say it was worth it, and I was sure this time. I have someone that trusts me now, and it was all that mattered to my fragile pride.

Let’s just say, I really was feeling different today.