Dear Koji — You're alive, right?

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
Dear Koji,

How is everyone doing? The guitar lessons going good? I’m sure they are, you’re so determined after all.

I was gonna hide it, but I’ve come to terms with it… I quit the drums…
But don’t worry!! I’ll try my super-duper best to pick another instrument.
Making music with you and Fuyuko was such a blast, I can’t wait to visit you guys again. This time with my brand new instrument (that I have yet to find).

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with your guitar!

Nomura
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

‘Nomura’ I used to hate seeing that name written at the bottom of all the letters she sent me.

In September, after that summer break, Nomura got adopted.

Every time someone got adopted at our orphanage, I was always 90% happy. I was genuinely happy for the ones that got chosen by wonderful parents—finally getting the love they’ve long deserved. I truly felt that way. Yet, all the same, I was 10% sad. Sad that it wasn’t me.

Am I not good enough? Do I lack what it takes to be a good son? Or perhaps, I don’t deserve it.

90 to 10. That’s how it always was, except this time. When we heard that the Nomura family wanted to adopt Emi, I was devastated. 0 to 100, that was my happy to sad ratio.

Why did it have to be her?

This time it wasn’t even about me not being picked, it was about Nomura leaving us.

She became so proud of her new last name, that she pretty much dropped her first name, Emi, and introduced herself as just Nomura, on her letters it said Nomura, during phone calls, too, Nomura—and even now, in my memory; Nomura.

I was not the only one who felt terrible at her departure, Fuyuko was visibly out of it and both Hibino and Tanaka missed her a lot as well.

I had been taking her, and everything she gave us, for granted and now it came back to bite me in the butt. Dinner time was quiet. Walks to school were quiet. Fuyuko, who had slowly started talking more, went back to her quiet ways. And even me, the ‘never-stops-talking Koji’ was quiet as well.

Even though it was hard, time passed on as it always does. I continued playing the guitar, getting better by the day. I’m sure Fuyuko was also practising her singing.

In the letters I sent her back, I never expressed just how much I wanted her to be Emi, even Nomura Emi was alright. But to her, finally being part of a loving family meant more than the name we had been calling her since the day we met.

But, I understand. I do. Truly. If it were me, I don’t know how I would’ve handled it. But knowing Nomura, she would never allow me to not be Koji anymore.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
Dear Koji

Guess what?

I found a new instrument to play! It’s the saxophone!

Remember how good I was with it when we first went to the instrument store? Now I’m even better!

I’ll visit you soon, during spring break, then we’ll play music together again!

I can’t wait!

See you soon
Nomura
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

October, November, December, January, then February. All of them passed me by. Other than the letters from Nomura every now and then, and my progress with the guitar, there was nothing interesting going on in my life.

All of those months saved up their events and shoved them into March, to make that year’s spring the most eventful it could possibly be.

“What did it say in your letter, Tatsurou? In mine she said she’ll be visiting during spring break, it’s been a long while…”

He didn’t say anything, it was late at night after all. I held on to the railing of my bed and looked down, “Tatsurou?”

Then it hit me. An unbearable hit, like getting a ball kicked into your face when It’s ice cold outside on the playground. A hit that you’ll for sure be feeling for the rest of the day.

He wasn’t there anymore.

I had been so caught up in my world of thoughts that night, that I had forgotten that Tatsurou had already been adopted.

That spring break, it was just me and Fuyuko.


━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
Dear Koji

I’m so, so sorry that I couldn’t visit during spring break. I was really looking forward to seeing you guys again.

Anyway, happy birthday!!!

Already nine years old, huh. Soon you’ll be the first one to reach a two number age, cool, right?

Also, I heard from Tanaka that your progress with the guitar is going great, I’m really proud of your hard work! But you better don’t stop practicing, because I’m right on your tail with my saxophone!

Let me know how your birthday went!

Bye-bye
Nomura
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“…Koji.”

I turned my head to face Fuyuko. For the first time in a long while, she asked me to climb up a tree. Behind her face I saw the blossoming trees being gently swayed by the wind.

“Yeah?”

“Right now, do you feel free?”

I returned my gaze in front of me, “Maybe—”

“You don’t look free to me,” she said.

I looked at her again, her serious expression pierced through mine. Her usual drawn-back nature was nowhere to be seen.

“Your eyes have lost… that sparkle.”

“I’m still playing the guitar, so…”

“…I might be mistaken, but… I don’t think you’re enjoying it—at all.”

My eyes widened.

Am I not enjoying it? But I’m getting better, right?

“You’ve improved a lot… way more than me and Nomura,” Nomura, “But when I look at you… you’re not free anymore.”

“Would it be better if I just quit…?”

She shook her head, “That’s not it,” then raised it, looking at the clear sky. “I think you need to find a way to feel free again, when you’re playing the guitar.”

I copied her movements and looked at the sky as well, “And how should I do that?”

“I thought about it… but I don’t know.”

She brought her gaze down again, and looked at me, “...For now, why don’t you try adding something fresh to it?”

“…Something fresh?” I echoed.

She nodded.

Then I remembered how I suggested her to try combining singing with sitting in the tree.

“For you, it's singing and being high up in the air. And for me it’s the guitar… and nothing yet. Say, should I try singing as well?”

She clapped the palms of her hands together and smiled, the way Tanaka would. “...I think that’s a great idea.”

That same day, when I was alone in my room, I tried it. I had the sheet music of a pop song I liked, while playing the guitar, I whispered the words along. It was kind of exciting.

The next song I played, I tried whispering a little louder, and louder, and louder—until I was properly singing.

I wasn’t that good yet, but it did spark something in me. Playing the guitar while singing was a lot more enjoyable than just playing the guitar.

High in spirits, I sat down at my desk and read Nomura’s letter once again and started writing my reply. When I was lost for words, I stared at the envelope and the address written on it. She lives in Tokyo now, so does Tatsurou. We used to always call it “Big Tokyo” because we were used to the more rural lifestyle here in Shizuoka.

On the back of the envelope, in the corner, was a postage stamp of Mount Fuji. When the sky is clear, especially between winter and spring, you can see the tip of Mount Fuji towering above the distant trees from here in Shizuoka. Around the start of spring, however, it starts becoming less visible.

I wrote about it in my letter, curious if she could still see it in Big Tokyo, ‘Mount Fuji, can you see it too?’

I finished writing it, put it in an envelope and left it in the drawer of my desk.

A letter that would never be sent.

* * *


The day after, there was a phone call early in the morning.

“Yes… Yes, I understand… Well then, see you soon,” she sighed and placed her phone on the table.

“Who was that?” I asked Tanaka while shoving my breakfast in my mouth.

“…Fuyuko’s mother.”

I nearly choked on my food and started coughing.

“Her mother?”

She nodded. “Excuse me for a second,” she said as she went to the hall and went up the stairs.

Fuyuko wasn’t up yet, so she was more than likely headed to her room, while I was left wondering what that phone call was about.

Not much later she returned without Fuyuko. Apparently her mother called and was coming over somewhere next week.

“Will she take Fuyuko back with her?” I asked, more than a little anxiously.

“No, don’t worry about it. I don’t think she’s qualified for that yet. She'll be coming to see how she's doing.”

At the time I had no clue what those words really meant. I interpreted them as a visit, to see how her daughter is doing.

I knocked on her door later that day. I sat down on the spot I always sat when we played music together.

“I heard your mother will be visiting soon.”

She nodded.

I didn’t know what to make of that reaction, so I kind of just asked the question I had on my mind since I heard her mother will be coming from Tanaka this morning.

“Would you be happy if your mother took you back home?”

“Not at all,” she instantly admitted, which secretly made me happy to hear.

Although that gave me the feeling she hated her. Hence why I asked, “Hm? Don’t you look forward to seeing your mother again?”

She didn’t say anything and simply stared out in front of her.

I don’t know why I didn’t simply shut up back then.

“Did you not miss her all this time?”

I had never asked her about her parents before, so I couldn’t have had a clue about her situation.

“…I didn’t.”

I felt an aching in my heart when those words got to me, “What do you mean, you didn’t miss her, but she is coming to see you again, right?”

“I don’t want her to come here,” she said, with a slightly aggressive undertone in her usually calm voice.

“…Sorry,” I said, I didn’t understand her reason for being angry at the time, but I still felt guilty for making her angry.

She turned her head away, “…Don’t apologise either.”

I almost apologised for apologising, but swallowed it down, but didn’t ask another question.

“…Can you go take your guitar please?”

“Oh, alright. I’ll be right back.”

I went to my own room next door, took my guitar and went back. When I opened her room’s door again, she was seated with her still keyboard behind her back.

“Aren’t you gonna play the keyboard?”

She shook her head, “Just singing today.”

I sat down once again, “Want me to start?”

“Whenever you’re ready,” she said.

I didn’t know what to play, so I simply went with that one pop song I had memorised. Everything was going pretty well, until I got to the chorus, and started unconsciously singing along. Bobbing my head to the rhythm of my guitar. I only realised I was singing when Fuyuko joined in.

I lifted my head up, looking at her. Her body was slightly rocking from side to side. The eyes that were shut just a second before, opened and fell right into mine. The entire bedroom disappeared. Everything around us turned into glimmering white light. For the last time in my life I would see it. The fluffy feathers falling from her angel wings. The brightly gold shining halo glowing above the singing angel. Our eyes were still locked onto one another. I couldn’t tell if the song had ever ended, because the end of the song loops perfectly into the start. The real end to the song—the end to this moment, our last—came when Tanaka opened the door, summoning all the furniture back into place.

“You two are amazing!” she said. “Who would’ve thought that we had two singing prodigies under our roof.”

Two. I was pretty decent, too, alright.

“Thank you… I’ve still got a long way to go if I want to become the world’s best, though.”

* * *

The following week, Fuyuko’s mother visited. I was very considerate not to bother them. Even though she said she didn’t want her to come, I still thought it might’ve turned into a precious moment for them.

Right when I heard that her mother had left, I went to her room.

“Can I come in?” I whispered.

“…Not yet.”

Her voice sounded shaky, fragile and weak. Upon hearing it, I threw the door open. I saw her sitting on the floor. In shock, she turned her head around, exposing the most vulnerable expression I had ever seen on her face. Tears were rolling down her eyes, dropping down the bottom of her cheeks.

I went into her room and sat down on my knees next to her.

“Are you alright?”

She nodded her head, but looked anything but alright. She wiped away her tears with the bottom of her sleeves, then said, “She’s taking me away.”

I opened my mouth, but the words were stuck in my throat.

“I don’t want to go back…”

I said what I truly felt in that moment, “I don’t want you to go either.”

Through the tears she smiled, “That only makes it harder to go.”

“Isn’t there anything we can do?”

“…It’s already settled. I’ll start packing my stuff tomorrow.”

“T-tomorrow…?” I failed to say anything other than repeating her last word.

“I don’t want to go back! I don’t want to… go back,” this was the first time I had seen her raise her voice.

Showing this much emotion through her voice. It made it all the more difficult to say anything. What was there I could have said? The room got quiet, the silence only occasionally broken by her sobbing.

When her sobbing came to a halt, she looked at me and asked, “Koji… Can you keep a secret?”

I nodded my head.

“It’s about why I feel free when I’m sitting in a tree.”

“Please tell me.”

“I used to live in a big house with both my parents, until they got divorced. Then it was just me and mom. She started drinking… a lot and hurting me.”

“How awful…”

“She would throw things at me, beat me if I didn’t listen. She would refuse to give me food if she didn’t feel like feeding me.”

I was at a loss for words.

“Sometimes she would chase me to hurt me, then I’d run into the garden and climb up the tree. She would scream at me, throw things at me, but she would never climb up the tree to come and get me. The tree was mine. High up in the air, that’s where I could truly feel free.”

The tears started rolling down her eyes again. I felt worthless, not being able to change a thing, so I did the only thing I could, I thightly grabbed her in my arms, she didn't resist and put her arms around me.

“I don't want to leave... I don't want to go back,” she said, her tears didn't stop.

I held her more tightly than before and said, “I'll make sure you'll be brought back here. I will talk to Tanaka and Hibino. I'll make sure you're safe.”

She embraced me tighter as well.

“We'll figure something out. I promise,” I said.

* * *

The following Monday, I overslept for the first time in a long while. I was in a hurry, so I read the letter I got from Nomura on my way to school.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
Hey Koji
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

After every line I read, I turned my gaze upwards again. I wouldn’t want to be careless and get into an accident over this.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
You’re alive, right? You’re not dead are you?
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Still alive.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
I thought something bad must’ve happened since you didn’t reply to my letters!
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

I suddenly remembered the letter I wrote, but completely forgot to send. I remember what I had asked her in that letter, can you see it, too?

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
Well, anyway, I haven’t heard anything from Fuyuko at all! Is she dead too?━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

She’s still alive as well. But, I’m afraid you won’t be hearing from her in a while.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
I was just quickly writing this letter to tell you that I have quit the saxophone as well…
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

I felt my heart sinking after reading that. I was accelerating above everyone else in guitar class. I was truly getting good, a real prodigy you could say. Seeing that one of the primary reasons why I started at all is failing, really made me feel sad.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
Unfortunately we couldn't get the chance to play it together. I’ll find something new to play… I hope.
But! I’ve been helping out for real this time with baking! I’ll bake you guys something when I visit!
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

I guess she has stopped her habit of eating the ingredients.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
All that said, tell hi from me to Fuyuko.
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

I’m afraid I won’t be able to do that either. First you, then Tatsurou and now Fuyuko. I guess I am the last man standing, huh.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
Look forward to my baking skills!
(This time I won’t use my lick-claim technique, everything will be for you guys!!)

Nomura
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

I folded the letter and put it in my pocket.

Emi, you’re gonna make me cry.

Tears I had been bottling up ever since the Nomura family. Ever since I had to part ways with the one lending his ear to hear my babbling, Tatsurou. I was already at my limit, then came Fuyuko’s mother out of nowhere. And now I’m reminded of your ridiculous habits.

With dewy, watery eye, I turned my head sideways.

The big mountain, blocked from my vision by the trees along the road.

At the first clearing, I stopped walking. Not behind the many distant trees, not behind the rapidly moving clouds. It wasn't there, it was already spring after all, yet it was way too soon to be completely out of sight. It reminded me of the people I held dear. Just like Mount Fuji in spring, they all vanished from my vision.

My blurry, teary vision. But I didn't cry.

And I wouldn’t for a long time.