Drowning in Sadness

The doorbell's shrill tone pierced through the apartment, reverberating with an intensity that matched the crescendo of Nathan's spiraling thoughts. Startled, he rushed to the door, a sense of urgency propelling him forward. With each step, anxiety tightened its grip on his chest, suffocating him with its relentless hold.

As he waited for Johnathan's arrival, Nathan threw himself into a frenzied cleaning spree, his movements fueled by a desperate need to create an impression, to be seen as more than just a mess of contradictions. Once scattered like fragments of his scattered mind, Laundry found order within carefully folded baskets. Papers that had once cluttered his desk were now neatly arranged, a façade of control. Personal items, harboring stories he wasn't ready to share, were hastily concealed, hidden away from prying eyes. He wanted to appear put-together, presentable, but deep down, he knew it was all a charade. The chaos within couldn't be contained by mere tidiness.

Finally, he opened the door, revealing Johnathan's water-soaked figure. Raindrops clung to his blond locks, dripping with a rhythmic persistence. Nathan couldn't help but marvel at Johnathan's audacity, venturing into the storm as if the elements held no power over him.

Unfazed by the tempest behind him, Johnathan crossed the threshold, his grin a beacon of unwavering positivity. The room seemed to brighten with his presence, starkly contrasting the gloom within Nathan's heart. How could someone radiate such warmth, unaffected by the torrential rain that battered the city? The question swirled in Nathan's mind, searching for an elusive answer.

"Hi!" Johnathan's cheery greeting sliced through Nathan's clouded thoughts, grounding him in the present moment.

"Hi?" Nathan replied, his voice a mixture of confusion and disbelief. What more could he say? Johnathan's demeanor resembled a carefree golden retriever, oblivious to the downpour as if the world were his playground. It baffled Nathan. How could anyone be so untouched by the relentless storm?

"Nate, do you have a towel I can borrow? I managed to stash some dry clothes, my laptop, and board games in my bag, but preserving their dryness was my main concern as I rushed over here," Johnathan's request carried a casualness that contrasted starkly with Nathan's racing thoughts.

"Uh, yeah. Of course, you can borrow one. Wait, did you say you ran over here?" Nathan's attention snapped back, the realization finally dawning on him that Johnathan had endured a fifteen-minute onslaught of rain.

"Well, yeah?" Johnathan's reply rang nonchalantly as if traversing the rain-soaked streets were an everyday occurrence.

Nathan sighed deeply, his head shaking in a futile attempt to comprehend the enigma before him. How could Johnathan remain so unaffected? Why had he braved the storm to reach Nathan's apartment?

"Go take a shower. You can use my towel and anything else you need. Just... go," Nathan's words held a gentle urgency, an attempt to restore a semblance of order amid the chaos.

"Thanks, Nate!" Johnathan expressed his gratitude before turning away, enveloping Nathan in a warm, albeit soaking-wet hug. Time seemed to stand still in that fleeting moment as if the world had ceased to exist outside their embrace. Then, with a soft brush of his lips against Nathan's forehead, Johnathan disappeared into the bathroom, leaving Nathan stunned and flustered. A rosy blush colored his cheeks, his mind reeling with emotions. Who in their right mind would kiss a stranger like that? And why did Nathan's heart pound so fiercely within his chest?

"Damn, you!" Nathan's frustration erupted in a furious exclamation, his voice echoing through the apartment. He stormed off to the kitchen, seeking solace in the familiar rituals of tea preparation.

Despite his reckless decision to brave the rain, Johnathan deserved a warm beverage to chase away the chill that had settled deep within him. The audacity to come to Nathan's apartment was wholly drenched as if there were a pressing reason for their meeting. The pretense of the assignment, a flimsy excuse to spend time together. Why did Johnathan want to be in Nathan's presence, of all people? Didn't he have his group of friends, the ones whose laughter had filled the classroom?

Nathan's thoughts swirled like a tempest, threatening to consume him. As he gathered a box of tea flavors, poured boiling water into a cup, and prepared some snacks, he battled the dark doubts that clawed at his consciousness, the shadows that threatened to consume his fragile hopes. Why did he delude himself? Even now, he knew he was nothing more than a fool. Johnathan being his friend? It was a cruel joke.

A soft chuckle, tinged with madness, escaped Nathan's lips, melding into deranged laughter. A coldness seeped into his body as if the rain outside washed away the last remnants of hope. The sound of raindrops pounding against the window became a symphony of despair, matching the rapid rhythm of his breath. He closed his eyes, swallowing back the tears that threatened to spill, the icy grip of anxiety tightening around him.

"Breathe..." he whispered, the fragility of his voice revealing the turmoil within.

Standing in the living room, he felt trapped between the storm outside and the tempest raging within. It was as if the waves of sadness were crashing over him, threatening to drown him in their relentless force. He struggled to keep himself afloat, gasping for air as the weight of despair bore down upon him.

Enough, he thought, desperation fueling his resolve. It had to end. No more. How could he allow himself to be friends with Johnathan? His radiant smiles, his overwhelming warmth—were they nothing more than a facade? Even now, the sweetness he displayed was merely a ploy for the sake of the assignment. There was no chance they would have spoken without this charade.

Even this strange fluttering in Nathan's chest felt out of place. He had never experienced such excitement or flustered emotions with his friends. And it wasn't as if he was attracted to Johnathan; as an aromantic and asexual person, he couldn't even decipher those desires and attractions if they were thrust upon him. Besides, Johnathan was a man. Nathan shook his head, attempting to dispel those thoughts. It was like encountering a cute puppy, an endearing moment that warranted a gentle pat but nothing more.

"Uhm... hey, Nate?" Johnathan's voice trembled slightly as it drifted from the bathroom. "Could you hand me my bag?"

"Your bag?" Nathan's confusion seeped into his voice, masking the pain that gnawed at his soul.

"Well, I'm kinda naked right now. I forgot my clothes, even my underwear. They're all in there. Unless you don't mind me parading through your hallways?" A flicker of nervousness undercut Johnathan's attempt at confidence and cheekiness.

Nathan's brain struggled to process the request, warmth rushing to his cheeks as it spread to his icy mind. He moved swiftly, retrieving the bag and handing it to Johnathan. He bit his lip, fighting back the tears that threatened to spill from the corners of his eyes. He offered the bag without uttering a single word, their fingers brushing ever so lightly.

"Thank you," Johnathan whispered, his words a soft caress against the storm within.

Before Nathan could catch a glimpse of Johnathan's face or offer a reply, he released the bag and hastened back to the living room. He felt like a fool, trapped in a nightmare where he would be ridiculed or taken advantage of. His friends called it an irrational fear of others, but they didn't understand. Nobody could be genuinely kind. Purity like that didn't exist, at least not in Nathan's world.

With a bitter chuckle, tinged with a touch of derangement, Nathan sought refuge in his MacBook. His hands moved with mechanical precision as he inserted his AirPods, drowning out the world with a familiar song. Its haunting melody mirrored the ache in his heart, resonating with the overwhelming sadness that threatened to consume him. As he sat there, his eyes glazed over, his fingers danced across the keys, pouring his very soul into the story—Lunaria's first encounter with Soleil, the impossibly valiant knight. The words flowed like a torrent, the taste of iron lingering on his tongue. Tears streamed down his face as he grappled with the emotions that threatened to overwhelm him. It felt like he was standing amid a downpour, his tears mingling with the rain. The waves of sadness crashed against him, leaving him gasping for air, struggling to keep himself together.

Ah. He was once again overwhelmed. The rain that fell in his mind manifested on his cheeks. The waves that threatened to drown him came forth as hiccups and short breaths, a desperate attempt to maintain control.

The world faded into insignificance as Nathan's gaze remained fixed on the screen, his eyes scanning the words he had poured onto the page. He sensed a presence in the depths of his despair—a warmth that defied logic and reason. Two strong arms encircled his neck from behind, the touch sending shivers down his spine. A warm breath grazed his ear, tickling his senses. Nathan's music played on, its haunting melody weaving through the room as he sat there, frozen, held captive by the embrace that refused to release him.

"Nathan, are you okay?"

No. He was anything but okay. The storm within him continued to rage unabated.