The Calm Before the Storm

The strong arms around his neck felt warm and soft, like he was pulled into a pillow. Nathan's entire body had gone stiff, frozen as he was finally brought back from the dark place deep in his soul. The place where he pushed the feelings he did not want to deal with. Locked away tightly and securely. One of the few keys was the song still playing over his AirPods. A song tied to many of his darkest moments, where he bawled his eyes out or screamed the lyrics in the car. Even now, just hearing it brought him back to those moments.

Warm, salty tears still poured out as his eyes became sore and puffy. Even if he wanted to rub them, he couldn't. A heavy hopelessness filled his icy chest, a hole where his heart was supposed to be. Why?

"Just keep breathing," Johnathan's warm and gentle voice whispered as he clung to Nathan, his fingers gently caressing his head.

The words he wanted to use, the witty remarks or cold replies, were gone. Nothing came up. It was all just gone, dried up or frozen solid.

The two of them stayed like that for a moment. Nathan wasn't sure what the blonde was doing. Had he read the words on his screen? The pain and doubts? Had Johnathan realized Lunaria's fears? His mind raced, going from one what-if to the next. All until Johnathan let go of Nathan and squatted down on his right side.

"Nathan. Are you okay?" Not a single hint of worry or panic in his voice.

The brunette turned his head towards Johnathan, meeting the shimmering emeralds with his reddened, murky blue eyes. He had a soft smile on his face like always. All the times before now, it would have made him feel so much better. Who wouldn't have felt safe with that endless happiness and patience? He was calm. Too calm. Ah, that was it, what had bothered him—the smile.

There it was, a fake smile, one void of Johnathan's endless puppy-like innocence and happiness. The warmth and brightness had not reached his eyes. He was pushing himself, faking it.

"Disgusting."

The word escaped his lips as he watched the man before him. He was everything he had expected him to be. Nathan frowned deeply; his eyes narrowed as he could feel his nose wrinkling. Serenity and calmness, as if he were an angel. No reaction from him at all.

Nathan bit his lip, his hands clenching so tightly that his nails started digging into his skin. How could he sit there like that? Why the hell was he so impossibly happy, or well pretended to be? What could he ever gain by being this eerily calm?

"Fuck!" he screamed as he slammed his fist onto the table.

He could feel the burning of his skin, the tingling and stinging. The pain made him quickly realize that this was indeed reality. The salty tears had been shed, and he had shown his dark and muddy side to this perfect stranger. One who did nothing but sit there and smile, watching his every move but not doing a thing. Not even being empathetic or having a shred of actual emotion.

"Leave. Go home."

"No," the man crouched in front of him stated dryly.

"What do you mean with no? Are you deaf? Leave! I want you out of here!" Nathan screamed in Johnathan's face.

"No."

"What the hell? Who do you think you are? You're just a stranger! Nobody! Nothing! Nada! An obstacle I have to deal with." His voice trembled as the words spewed out, not knowing where they came from or why he was saying them.

"Nathan, I'm not leaving."

"Why?"

Johnathan chuckled before taking Nathan's hands into his own, squeezing them softly before kissing the back of one of them. A soft honest smile now appeared, washing away his anxiety.

"Are you okay?" Johnathan asked him for the third time.

"I... I am. Of course, I am." Nathan said, his words trailing slightly as he refused to look into the man's eyes.

"Are you sure? To me, it seems like you're telling lies."

"Lies? What lies? I'm fine!"

Taking a deep breath, Johnathan placed his forehead against Nathan's hands, staying like that for a while before continuing. It was as if he was trying to organize his thoughts.

"John?"

"You're such a liar."

The words came out of the blue. A shiver went through Nathan's spine as he squeezed Johnathan's hands tightly, almost hard enough to break a finger. Where was the cool and warm man? The one who felt like the sun ready to care for every single human being that crossed his way? The man who was the center of attention and always seemed to be loved.

"You're so good at lying and pretending that you ultimately convinced yourself you're doing well. I'm not here to fight with, laugh at, bully, or tease you. Even though you seem to think otherwise, it's okay not to be okay, Nathan."

Nathan's tears, which had stopped momentarily, started pouring out full force. The torrential storm in his chest came out, accompanied by hiccups and a lot of ugly crying. He was an utter and complete mess by now. Most of his closest friends, not even his parents, had seen him like this. Vulnerable, weak, and mostly entirely shattered.

"I'm not leaving, Nathan. I will stay over tonight even if you don't want me to. You're breaking my heart, and I do not trust you by yourself like this."

"B...but... I ... you.." only stutters and mutters came out, accompanied by cries from the depths of his soul.

"I'm not letting go of the one person I have honestly liked being with in a long time."

Ah, maybe Johnathan wasn't so bad after all? Who was the liar here? The faker? The one pretending?

With another soft smile, Johnathan stood up, letting go of Nathan's hands. Within seconds Nathan's worldview had changed, his arms tightly clung around the man's neck and his legs around the athletic man's waist, holding on to dear life.

"Wha- John! Ah!" His arms trembled as he tried to stay close, terrified of falling.

"Relax. You barely weigh anything. I will only drop you if you keep struggling like this. Let's get you to bed for a nap."

With another soft kiss against his forehead, Nathan was gently carried to his bedroom and put on the bed. His cheeks burned as a few sniffles and swear words still left his lips. As soon as his body touched the soft sheets, it relaxed. Nathan let go of Johnathan, obviously avoiding looking at him. As soon as the tall and lean man wanted to leave him behind, he couldn't help but reach out, pulling his shirt.

"Stay. Don't leave." Nathan's words shook as they came out, his hands clutching the sheets tightly. "Please don't abandon me..."

With a gentle grin, Johnathan lay beside Nathan before pulling him into a close and tight hug.

"Sleep. I'll be here."

As Nathan's eyes grew heavy, he felt the gentle caress of Johnathan's fingers through his hair and the soothing warmth of his body next to him. The room was filled with a comforting silence, only punctuated by the soft fabric rustling as Johnathan adjusted himself to make Nathan more comfortable.

Nathan's heart was still racing, but the warmth was like a balm, slowly melting away the icy dread gripping him. He could feel Johnathan's steady breath against his forehead, like the gentle ebb and flow of the ocean waves. Calming. Reassuring.

Through his half-closed eyes, he noticed Johnathan glancing around the room, his gaze lingering on a picture frame on the nightstand and then on a stack of books by the bed. It was as if he was trying to understand Nathan and see into his soul through the objects surrounding him.

Nathan's eyes were so heavy now, but he fought to keep them open for a moment longer. He wanted to memorize this moment, the feeling of safety and warmth like the sun after a storm.

His voice was barely a whisper, almost drowned by his heartbeat. "Thank you, John."

Johnathan's arms tightened around him, and Nathan could feel the smile against his hair. "Anytime, Nate."

As sleep finally claimed him, Nathan felt something he hadn't felt in an eternity. Peace. The storm inside him had calmed, and though he knew it wasn't over, for the first time, he felt like maybe he didn't have to face it alone.