Not Being Okay

Nathan fluttered his eyes with a soft groan, trying to adjust to the darkness. His eyelashes felt like delicate butterfly wings brushing against his cheeks. The evening was a blurry memory; the only thing reminding him that it was real was that he was in bed, fully clothed, exactly how Johnathan had put him here. His clothes felt like heavy armor, soaked with the weight of his tears and emotions.

Though when his hand reached out next to him, trying to find a trace of the man, there was nothing to be seen. No Johnathan. Had he gone home? Even if he had promised to stay with him? Not that he had expected anything else. Nathan's bedroom was dark and silent; only his heartbeat and shallow breathing filled the space. His heart felt like a distant drum, echoing through the emptiness.

After a minute or two of staring into the darkness, he got up. As he returned to the living room, his feet felt heavy, like they were made of lead. The lights that were still on assaulted his eyes like a thousand needles.

"Ugh...Fucking bright..."

His eyes adjusted soon, and when they finally focused, he saw a blonde man sitting at the table with his Macbook. The Macbook Nathan had never closed yesterday after writing the new chapter about Lunaria meeting Soleil. The screen emitted a soft glow, like a beacon in the night.

"John? What are you doing?" His voice was a whisper, but it felt like a scream in the silence. He could feel the hairs on his neck stand up as his tiny bit of happiness was now drowned in mistrust.

"Lunaria, his voice heavy with pain, whispered, 'Soleil, are you even real? Or just a cruel illusion meant to taunt those who the light has forsaken?'" Johnathan's voice rang as he started to quote the writing Nathan had done, a serious tone to his usually bright voice. "This line gives me chills. Lunaria is so lost in pain that he can't believe someone like Soleil could exist. It's like he's afraid to hope for something better."

The words stung in Nathan's chest as they started to pry open the dark part of his soul. He was getting into the abyss that was usually locked away. It felt like he was digging up things he wanted to keep in. This chapter was never meant to be shared, at least not with Johnathan, not like this.

"Oh, what about this one: Lunaria's voice cracked, 'Why do you reach out to me, Soleil? What can your light possibly mend in a soul shattered by darkness?'" The blonde turned around to look at the fuming yet terrified Nathan, his emerald eyes staring into his soul. "This is so raw. Lunaria is questioning why someone like Soleil would even bother with him. It's like he doesn't believe he deserves attention or care."

"Johnathan, stop." Nathan spat out, the tears burning his already sore eyes. "Why are you doing this?"

"What? I appreciate your writing. I love it! I can't help but have my eyes glued to the screen."

All Johnathan did was smile before turning back to look at the screen. Nathan's entire body was shaking and trembling. His breath was stuck in his throat.

"Stop… don't do this."

"Lunaria's eyes narrowed as he observed Soleil."

Before Johnathan could continue reading, Nathan had stormed forward, slapping the screen of the Macbook shut, grabbing the device, and holding it close to his body. The salty tears he thought were long dried up came back, cascading down his cheeks like a waterfall.

"Get out. Leave! How dare you…"

His entire body shook in anger, disbelief, and deep-rooted fear. The man had breached his trust and privacy, crossing lines he was already uncomfortable with. His voice was like a wounded animal, raw and desperate.

"Nathan. I like you." Johnathan's voice was a mere whisper, but it carried the weight of a thousand unspoken words.

Like? Love? Johnathan? What the hell was this man saying all of a sudden?

"I realized it when you were asleep—watching you breathing peacefully while clinging to my shirt. How couldn't I?" Johnathan's voice was soft, like a gentle breeze that caressed Nathan's stormy soul.

Johnathan refused to look at Nathan, quickly raising his hand to cover the lower half of his face. But it didn't do anything to cover up how red his ears had also turned when he was seemingly flustered.

"I am sorry. I shouldn't have read that. I had no right to." He scratched his cheek before he continued. "Seeing you so emotional, crying and in pain, it hurt. I couldn't understand why and caught a glimpse of the writing when I hugged you back then. I wanted to see it, to understand."

"You think sorry is enough? That saying you like me will solve this?" Nathan spat as his fingernails dug into his Mac.

"No. I don't. But that doesn't make me feel less sorry. I like you. I do. I haven't lied to you once, Nate. And I can't stand you thinking that I'm just putting on an act. That I care about you and honestly think you are amazing. And that something in you tells you it has to be a lie, that you do not deserve that."

Nathan shook his head, the anger building inside him before he snapped and started screaming.

"I am me, and Lunaria is his own separate person. Johnathan, my character is not me! You're being delusional. Leave."

"Nate. I love you. The emotional crying wreck in front of me. Who begged me not to leave him alone as he clung to me. The one who gets overly excited and then embarrassed when talking about writing. That guy."

“Idiot… asshole… I hate you." He muttered between sobs, his anger swept away by the teardrops.

"And I love you." He said as he pried the MacBook away from Nathan, putting it on the table next to them once more.

With a soft smile, Johnathan wrapped his arms around his waist and gently kissed Nathan's forehead. The warmth of his body quickly spread as his breathing steadied and his hands that clung to the man's back stopped trembling. Nathan could feel the steady beat of Johnathan's heart against his chest, a rhythm that seemed to calm the storm within him.

"Don't stress about it. I wasn't planning on telling you how I felt. At least not today." Johnathan said gently into Nathan's ear. "You don't have to give me a reply. All I want from you is to have me here. I want you to trust me and teach me more about yourself. You do deserve love and care."

Nathan couldn't reply; the words were stuck in his throat. He wanted to, even if he didn't trust him or believe his words. The terms of love and care seemed honest. At least the warmth and gentleness were. No expectations, only worry and love.

Eventually, just two words got out: "Thank you." His voice was a whisper, but it carried the weight of his soul.

As Nathan stood there, enveloped in Johnathan's embrace, he could feel the warmth of Johnathan's breath against his skin. The gentle pressure of Johnathan's arms around him was grounding, and the soft kiss on his forehead felt like a balm to his wounded soul. Nathan's senses were overwhelmed, not by desire, but by the sheer intensity of the emotions swirling around them. He could feel Johnathan's heart racing, and it was as if he could almost taste the sincerity in his words.

Johnathan's voice was rich and velvety, and Nathan could sense the depth of his feelings in the way he spoke. The air between them was charged, and Nathan felt like drowning in a sea of emotions he didn't fully understand.

Johnathan's touch was tender, and Nathan could feel the strength in his arms. His scent was intoxicating, a mix of cologne and something uniquely him. Nathan felt a strange pull, not of attraction but of connection. It was as if their souls recognized each other.

They stood like that for an eternity, wrapped in each other's arms. Nathan felt safe, cared for, and not alone for the first time in a long time.

As they finally pulled apart, Nathan looked into Johnathan's eyes. There was a softness there, a vulnerability that mirrored his own. They didn't need words; their hearts spoke volumes.