My Older Sister Can't Be This Useless!!!

“Guess who?!!” a voice sang out right beside my ear as my vision was bathed in darkness. I didn’t even bother answering, choosing instead to let my elbow land cleanly on the stomach of the person behind me.

I could see again.

With my vision restored I could see my idiotic older sister gasping for breath on the floor.

“Ah, you hit me, you really hit me!” she managed to cough out. “D-domestic violence!”

Did that count as domestic violence? I suppose so by strictest definition. However I believe violence doesn’t count as violence if it’s used for proper reasons. And teaching this idiot a lesson definitely counted as a proper reason for violence.

“Even if I am your sister – no because I am your sister - you shouldn’t go around hitting girls! What sort of upbringing did you have?!”

Not one much different from the one she received and yet we had turned out so differently. Might this be what they call a miracle? A sad one, if it was.

She finally got up. “Ugh, using karate on your sister, what if you had killed me?”

“Firstly, that wasn’t even karate. Secondly I didn’t hit you that hard. Thirdly, there are no lethal techniques in karate, and lastly what do you want?”

“Eh?” she stared at me in surprise. “There’s no lethal technique in karate?”

“Yes.” I lied.

“Then what’s the point of even learning it?” she muttered.

I wasn’t about to waste my breath explaining the beauty and elegance of the sport called karate so I ignored that remark. “What do you want, you walking waste of space?”

“No no, isn’t that a bit too much? How can you even say that to your beautiful sister who you look up to?”

I almost hit her with an actual karate move for that. Who looked up to her?

My older sister was currently 26 years old and still lived with her parents. She had dropped out of high school at the age of 17 and her life seemed to just go downhill from there. She had no real skills apart from pissing off both me and my parents. She had picked up the useless hobby of spending the day reading amateur fiction online. I wouldn’t complain as much if she actually read proper books but the one time I had actually gotten her to read a proper book, it had taken her two weeks to get halfway through it before she finally gave up.

After dropping out of school, she saw no reason to step out of the house and now you couldn’t get her out of it even if you used a crowbar or a baseball bat. The few times she did leave she’d spend an hour sulking about it before leaving dragging me along with her to do all her interactions for her.

She couldn’t talk to anyone outside our family but had no problem flaming and insulting people online all day. She was constantly glued to her phone not doing anything productive. If she was going to stay home all day you’d think she could at least help with chores. Nope. Her room was an utter pigsty that none of us even dared to enter anymore. Frankly speaking my parents had completely given up on her and just left her to her own devices.

I guess she was a role model to me in a distorted sort of way, as she made me aspire to be nothing like her. I honestly couldn’t understand how she could stand there smiling at me.

“No way would I look up to a jobless bum like you.” I said.

“I-I’m not jobless!!” she retorted indignantly.

“Please don’t tell me you think of your stupid blog as an actual job?” She had a blog where she posted reviews of the amateur fiction she read. I don’t think a single review had gotten more than 2 views and I had been one of those viewers (I don’t think it needs to be said who the other viewer was).

“It’s real work.” She said sulking.

I thought of her poor grammar and horrible spelling that would have made a 4 year old charming but just made her look ridiculous and held my tongue. “What do you want anyway?”

She only ever came to me for favors. You couldn’t tear her away from her phone otherwise.

“I’m not buying any tampons for you.” I said preemptively.

She at least had the grace to smile sheepishly. “Thank you for that. But no, that’s not it. I want ice cream.”

“Then get it yourself.” I said reflexively.

“Eeeh? But I don’t want to go outside.”

“And I came to you, begging for a reason to go out?” I raised an eyebrow at her.

She clapped her hands together and lowered her head. “Please! I’ll do anything you ask!”

She didn’t have anything I wanted but I acquiesced. I knew she would just keep pestering me until I went anyway. “Fine.” I stood up from the couch.

“Yay!!” I watched in disgust as she did some stupid little dance.

“Give me the money.” I held out my hand and the dance stopped abruptly.

“Um, I was actually hoping that maybe you could *cough* payformethistime.” She said bashfully.

This time I really did use a karate move on her.