Wants, Needs and Boundaries

All Nathan could do was stare at Johnathan. The words escaped him as he watched the emerald eyes red from the tears. He was trying his best to hold back, his body and hands shaking.

"I..." Nathan started as he put the bag away, reaching his hand out to Johnathan's to hold and squeeze it. "I'm not sorry... I needed to say this. The kiss... Dating... I feel broken, John. I am not normal. I can never be what you want me to do. Do what you want me to do... I can't love you like you love me."

A weird calmness had washed over him. Now that his real fears and feelings were spilling and he no longer had a reason to flee from them, he felt relieved. He was saying it out loud and being honest with himself.

Johnathan held his hand tightly, the first tears finally rolling over his cheeks. It looked like he was dying. And even if it was a bit weird to say. It was adorable. He couldn't help it, a soft smile on Nathan's lips.

"Even I'm not completely sure about how I feel. All I know is that I'm aromantic and asexual; at least, those words Serena told me. Yet... I feel like a walking paradox."

"P-paradox?"

Nathan nodded and looked at his MacBook, the raunchy smut scene that Johnathan had written still on the screen. The blonde couldn't help but blush and stutter at the sight of it.

"I like what you wrote. It's embarrassing, of course, since, well... you know." Nathan said, a slight blush forming on his face as his voice gave out. "But I like it. It's like I can feel the emotions and the desires and just get a glimpse into your world. Romance and smut are two genres I have devoured, never having enough of them."

Johnathan looked confused, but even then, he didn't say a word; he just stood there as Nathan held his hand. It was almost like he was trying to do math with only half the data. The sight of it was endearing. He was trying so hard. Why the hell is he still here with me?

"I... don't understand you. What's going on with you, your feelings and your emotions? Why are your feelings for me so strong? It's like a mystery I want to get to the bottom of. It frustrates me seeing you so passionate."

"Because of you..."

"Because I'm empty inside. Even if I see your naked body or feel your soft lips alone. Nothing. I don't mind it, the hugs or the kisses. Before you get some crazy idea in your head, I just... am not attracted to you in that way."

The blonde nodded, trying to process what he was being told. "Okay... So I can still kiss you? Hug you?"

Nathan sighed slightly, his mind sharper and more peaceful now that he was spilling his soul. He pulled Johnathan closer, hugging him tightly against his own body. Even now could feel his body shaking. The man hugged him back.

"Okay... I lied. I am sorry. I said some things I shouldn't have."

"No... you were right. I am a little hurt, but I'll get over it. Of course, it did... when you so bluntly told me to hate you." Johnathan said with a sarcastic snicker. "You want me to dislike you because you don't love me like I love you?"

"I just don't get it... Why do you want to be with me even now that I told you this all?" Nathan said, trying to explain his feelings finally.

"Because I'm attracted to you in so many ways. Your smile on your typically cold face. The curves and taste of your soft lips. The tingles I get when our bodies finally merge in a warm hug. The sly and sexy expressions you make when you tease me. The tears in your eyes that sadly are there because of me. All the warmth in your slender body. But most of all, your incredibly creative mind."

Nathan's face started flushing about halfway through the passionate confession. His voice broke as only stutters would come out. What the actual hell? Was this man an angel? Or was he just completely insane?

"Asshole." He said, pouting slightly as he tried his best to ignore his embarrassment as he pushed the man away from him. "Idiot..."

"Well, you were the one who wanted to date this idiot. So shouldn't you say 'my asshole'?" Johnathan said, finally a smile on his tear-stained face. "All I want is to be by your side, even if it's just sitting there and breathing. However, an occasional hug would be nice. At least. And... maybe a kiss if I'm being greedy."

Nathan quickly saw his chance to retort. He crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes, glaring at Johnathan slightly. "So you don't want to do it with me?" He looked away as soon as he said it, trying to seem sad and heartbroken.

Being caught off guard, eyes wide and arms flailing, Johnathan started ranting, "Yes! I do! If you want to... but if you don't, then I. Yes. Yes, I do. Like I said, if I'm being greedy... then yes. But I don't want to hurt you. And you don't need to if you don't want to. Just. You're hot. Of course, I do. Wait, no, that sounds wrong. I mean, I am a straight..... gay? Bisexual?" He suddenly stopped talking, looking like his brain had gotten a blue screen of death.

Nathan took a deep breath, burying his shame and intense embarrassment.

"Earth to John. Chill. I was trying to joke around a little. You know, lighten the mood? I'm not made of glass... okay maybe sometimes I am. Just ask me next time. You know you can ask about my sexuality if you're curious right?"

"I can?"

A chuckle escaped his lips before he looked into the green gems that were his eyes again. "At least when we're at home. At school, we just work on the same assignment."

"What's it like?"

"To live a normal life where you don't pass out because someone decides to act out the graphic scenes you wrote? Where you don't melt at the site of a person or feel like you're on fire as soon as their lips brush against yours? Pretty normal. You look like the pervert to me."

Johnathan opened his mouth, about to say something, and then quickly closed his mouth again. His lips pressed tightly together to form a single trim line. He avoided his gaze as his eyes and neck started to change like a ripened tomato.

"If you want to kiss me, do so. I don't mind. Same for hugging, cuddling or those forehead kisses you seem addicted to. It's a bit awkward, but I... don't mind. Though when it comes to doing more, I just. I can't."

"That's fine. I just want you to talk to me. I like listening to you."

Nathan sighed before sitting back on the couch, pulling Johnathan beside him. "Want to watch an anime movie?"

The blonde pulled him into a very close cuddle, his arms tightly wrapped around his waist. It was as if he tried to tie him down. That if he let go, he would disappear with a single blink. He was warm, and the tight hug felt comfortable, though slightly desperate. His arms were still trembling, and his breathing was unstable as if he could cry any minute now.

"Well? Anime movie?" Nathan said with a smirk, the remote control now in his hands.

"A marathon..." He whimpered softly, like a beaten puppy.

The brunette couldn't help but laugh. It was a weird feeling. His chest was light as if a weight had been lifted. Even though he was sure, it would come back to hit him full force pretty soon. Maybe it would turn out well for once. This could be the one person to understand, or well that tried to understand. I wanted to know. For once, he wanted to be his unhinged, chaotic and raw self.

"Hey, loverboy. Can I stay over? I want to anime and chill with you all night long."