Broken Lies

The room was quiet as he sat there on the couch. His feet were up, his brown hair cascading over his knees as his head leaned on it. His hands were starting to hurt from clenching. The soft shower sound could now be heard farther along the hallway, a somewhat energetic voice singing songs.

Ah... What had he done?

He couldn't help it. Why did he have to be like this? Broken. Not like ordinary people. Why couldn't he just feel the same as the rest? Why?

Why didn't his body get hot like he was about to bathe in a volcano? Why wasn't his heart rushing like he'd just been on a rollercoaster ride? Why didn't he have that dryness in his throat, parched as if he had been in the desert for months? Why?

The feeling of the soft lips on his and the intense desire was still ever present. The low groans. Those earnest eyes looked at him as if they might devour him. As if he was the centre of his entire universe. Like he would never be able to live without him. How?

He didn't understand. He was swept up at the moment. Impulsive decisions. Dragged away in the current of their emotions. His emotions. Mistakes. Regrets. Why?

Even now, he could feel it, the abyss in his chest. The void. Emptiness. Settings others had, which were never imputed. How do you miss a feeling you have never known? Something you have only seen in others but never have felt. Or better yet, unable to feel?

He clenched his jaw as he felt the tingling in his nose. The salty tears started to form as shivers took over his body. A soft trembling that slowly began to reach his soul. The ink-black darkness crept up, clouding his vision. The shower's sound slowly drowned out, replaced by his heart thumping in his ears.

Why was he such a liar? How was this fair? This was such a joke.

"Shit..."

There they were, the emotions. The things he had buried so deep inside. Stuffing all thoughts and feelings into a deep corner of his mind. The place they often stayed without a problem. And now they had found a crack—a little opportunity to escape. They were pouring out into the open, flooding his entire system. It had been a while.

With a slight sniffle, he moved to grab his Macbook and Airpods. Within moments he had found a playlist on YouTube, calm music, yet the tone betrayed what the lyrics meant—staring at a white page on the screen, his hands on the cold device. He pulled up his legs again, leaning the Mac on it awkwardly.

The longer he stared at the white page, the more it felt like he was staring at his heart. Empty and dead. Nothing inside. Not a single shred of attraction. Wanting to kiss someone, feel their skin brushing against your own or the warmth of their breath. Feeling like your world might fall apart without them there to breathe the same air. Wanting to explore each other's bodies, to merge as if becoming one person. One soul separated into two bodies, trying to fuse back together.

Nothing.

It wasn't as if he minded the kiss. It was nice, especially seeing his response. The intense lust, desire, and happiness lit up his entire soul. As if he was finally allowed to go outside, feel the warmth of the sun and touch the grass. It had almost convinced him to keep acting. To also be happy.

The kiss was something he wanted, and he did. The same for dating. All his ideas. Stupid. Dumb. Why was he such an idiot? Did he think he could just act happy and content? To kiss and make out? To pretend to feel things he could never feel?

His fingers started moving on the empty page—a separate document to write down his thoughts. The tiny shreds flew through his mind. All the while, it felt like his heart was trying to claw its way outside.

As soon as his hands stopped and he looked at the words on the screen, he could feel the pounding in his head. The tears were now streaming down his face. It was something he needed to get out of his system. To get the words out of the way.

How much time had passed? Was he coming back soon? How would he explain? Would he have to talk? There was no single way he could understand. How would you explain to someone how it is to be blind? To not be able to smell a single scent? To feel nothing without being touched. It was hard enough to explain a concept to another human being. So how does one explain the absence of a feeling?

Even he didn't fully understand. It's hard to miss something you never had in the first place. Even the explanations of what attraction was supposed to feel like made no sense, though watching and teasing him made it easier to understand. Even if it was still like explaining colours to a blind man.

"Fuck..."

He put the Macbook beside him, keeping it open so the music wouldn't stop playing. The tears kept coming as he felt a tightness in his throat. Once more, he leaned his head on his pulled-up knees, drowning in his hoodie and sorrow.

After a few minutes of sitting like that, the playlist still haunting him over his AirPods, he felt a soft touch—a shoulder against his own. Soon after, a hand found his clenched fist, caressing it softly before entwining their fingers together. He couldn't help but squeeze even harder; the source of all his worries was now here to see him. To confront him. To face the lies.

Nothing.

Not a word was said. He just sat there next to him, holding and caressing his hand. Didn't ask a question. Said not a single word. No sense of panic or worry, just there. Even if it was nice not to have him scream or shout, to shake him or play the part of a knight, it felt awkward. Was he just going to sit here like this?

Shit. He was cute like this. Nice. Warm. Sweet. Like the sun so bright and dazzling. Yet also hot and bothered, passionate, and so easy to tease. Honest and open. Clear about his feelings, even if they were for another man. Even before, he had stayed calm when he was screaming and shouting at him. Spoken to him. The attraction did blind people.

"I don't love you."

The words came out. Just like that. Easy. Just breathe.

"I'm not attracted to you."

More and more words. More pain. More tears.

"I'm a liar. I'm a mess. I'm broken."

Ah, there it was. The darkness he had been holding onto for years. The woes of an aroace.

"I like you. I do. Just not how you want me to. I can't. It's impossible. They forgot to add some sprinkles to the mix before I was born. Now I'm this. I'm useless. Forgot to install the DLC of the game."

Still nothing. No words, no responses. Silence. A warm hand on his.

"I hate myself. Why am I like this? Why can't I have these feelings? To be this passionate about someone. About... you. I'm the strange one. I'm messed up. My body and brain do not work. Faulty! Broken! Dead inside!"

His breathing started to become faster, his breath sticking in his throat. The lump in there squished down as he could barely breathe. The hot tears were going, streaking over his cheeks.

"Tell me you're hurt, and it's painful to be told you're not attractive, that I'm the weird one here. That you'll do everything for me. While still wanting more than I can ever give you. That I'm a freak, it's all my fault, and I'm the weird one."

He kept going. The words spilling out. Things he had never told others, not even his parents: ragged breaths, trembling hands. A dizziness went through him.

"Just... tell me to go. To never meet you again. It's easier. It hurts so much less. Seeing you love me so passionately. Hurts."

A soft sigh escaped the man's lips, a sense of disappointment. The hand let go. The shoulder disappeared as they stood up and walked away. Not a single word.

"Please... just hate me already."

A soft tap on the shoulder finally made him look up. Snot and tear stains on his face and knees. His eyes were red, puffy and burning intensely. The despair and pain plastered on his face.

Ah.

He was crying too. His lips were moving, but not a word was said. Or at least heard. Nothing over the sound of the playlist. He held out a bag, showing him to breathe into it. Hyperventilation, something he hadn't noticed.

And so he breathed slowly but surely until he had calmed down. Until he stopped spewing out every emotion that had been locked in his soul.

He took out his AirPods, the sounds rushing back.

"Don't scare me like that... Please stay by my side. Don't leave. You are not broken. There is nothing wrong with you. Everyone is different. And I have an unhealthy obsession with you, so much so that I faint when you tease me. You are my greatest weakness and the only one I've ever felt something this strongly for. Nathan. I love you. "