Iva- I Love You

It was a dark room, and even without of any curtains, the windows stood as silent witnesses, imprisoning the feeble rays of sunlight. Seated in one corner, I longed for a brighter existence, a flicker of warmth, the mere presence of another soul. My gaze remained fixed on the door, waiting for someone to slide it open and pull me out from there.

But whenever someone comes by, someone knocks from the other side, I get scared. Things going awry, of the darkness intensifying, consumes my thoughts.

He appeared like any other passer-by, merely a fleeting presence. However, unlike the others, he refused to abandon me. He persisted, even after my reluctance to grant him entry. And then, those words escaped his lips, resonating within me.

"Iva, perhaps I have fallen in love with you"

The endless hours trapped within the confines of teacher-student counseling felt like an unyielding sentence. Those sessions left me grappling with a hollow, repetitive phrase that all of them echoed... “like yourself.” But what does that even mean? “Good sides,” they say… how is one even supposed to look for those? Searching for the goodness within, when all I knew were what I despised about myself. And because that’s all I know, I hate myself even more. It felt like stretching the limits of my being, a fruitless exercise that yielded no results. They had it all twisted.

I don’t think you can like yourself until someone says that they like you first. When someone accepts you, you can start accepting yourself. I think that’s when liking yourself becomes possible.

The moment another person chose to embrace me, only then I might feel the first stirrings of the same emotion toward myself. But that never happens. And in the end, I'm always left by myself, hating myself.

And then a question would arise within my mind, quietly whispering, "What lies ahead? Shall we let things remain as they are?"

The thoughts of "how many" eyes would turn toward my absence never held sway over me. I couldn't care less about them. But in the depths of my being, the yearning was different – not for an audience, but for a witness. It was as though the world could be stripped away, and all that mattered was the discerning gaze of one person.

If just "one person" noticed my absence, that's all I needed. The presence of "one person" held within it an extraordinary power.

Alan, I must confess, during those days, I experienced a happiness so profound it was almost quite embarrassing. Out of all the people, he found me. Me alone. To me... he became that precious someone.

Yet, when everything swirls back to haunt me, entangled with those negative thoughts... those adverse emotions... I'm left pondering, will I become the cause of his hurt too? Will he, like others before, abandon me within that dark room... all alone? Despite my every intention, my strength falters, unable to prevent the possibility of him slipping through my grasp. And inevitably, my grasp loosened, not upon him, but upon myself... and in my fear, I pushed him away, tightly shutting the door, and screamed until my voice shattered into silence.

But that day, in the train station, he held onto me. With what little strength I had left, I couldn't push him away. As if his entire existence was screaming too...

Where did it all go wrong? Where was the fault?

Resting upon my bed, the veil of night enveloped me as I stared through the window, where the night sky extended its watchful gaze. My eyes remained fixed upon the plain expanse of the ceiling above. A profound sense of calmness washed over me, as if time had momentarily paused, allowing me to bask in the simplicity of gazing into the void of its unadorned whiteness. Nestled beside me, my phone lay dormant until it suddenly buzzed, jolting me to my place. My heart leaped, its rhythm accelerating.

It was a message from Noah.

I swiftly sat up, my fingers poised to respond.

What are you doing?

My fingers trembled as they hovered over the keys, hurriedly sending a reply.

Nothing...

I just arrived here, though I haven't started unpacking my things yet.

Did you have dinner?

Yeah! My aunt threw a welcome party for me.

Having these everyday conversations tied a knot of nervousness within me. The absence of seeing him at the station led a part of me to consider that I might not get another chance. Yet, the idea of having such a casual reunion again never crossed my mind.

It's good that you're having fun. I was worried about whether you've arrived safely or not.

Iva, can I ask you something?

Yes?

Why didn't you come to the station today? Did you really not want to see me again?

For a fleeting moment, my fingers hesitated, struggling to find the right words. "I'm sorry, Noah. The station was unusually crowded, and I couldn't find you..."

Just that? His words appeared again.

Yeah.

Oh, I was genuinely worried when you hadn't come, and I had to board the train without seeing you.

Both Alan and I searched for you everywhere, and Alan even tried calling you, but you didn't answer.

After pressing send, I anxiously awaited his reply. The ensuing message arrived after a brief pause.

I guess that also happens in a station. Whatever, I got here safely. So there's no need to worry now.

Noah, there's something else I need to share with you...

I hesitated before sending my message, my fingers hovering over the send button. Although I desperately wanted to express my feelings, I couldn't find the courage to press send. The words that encapsulated my emotions were on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't bring myself to share them. I wished to open up to him, to let him know how I felt, and to ask him to wait for me as I would wait for him.

Overwhelmed, I turned off my phone, allowing it to slip from my grasp, as I sank back into my bed.