Jack

TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains moments that may be considered very dark, and may be unsuitable to read for certain people.

I entered the room to find Louise laying on the bed. As soon as she saw me go in, she let out a kind smile. My throat started to burn up slightly for some reason. I didn’t really know why exactly.

“Are you alright?” I asked while approaching her.”

“I’m fine, really.” She said weakly. “Thanks for asking.”

“I’m sorry, it’s my fault this happened to you.” I grabbed a nearby chair and sat right next to her. “We shouldn’t have been so reckless. If you hadn’t been there for me, Louise, I….”

“It’s okay.”

“No, Louise, it’s not. You saved my life.” I started to slightly choke up. “It’s…It’s my fault you’re like this. Why am I always so useless?”

I suddenly felt her weak yet warm touch, as she’d grabbed my hand.

“You aren’t useless.” She insisted. “You’re strong.”

“No, I’m not, I’m weak. I’ve always been…ever since I was on Earth.”

“So you really are from that place, huh?”

Louise had been unconscious when Selphine revealed the truth to me and Emmett, so we ended up having to explain it to her afterwards, but had to be careful not to shock or destabilize her.

“I can’t believe it, to be honest.”She continued as I stayed silent. “To think that this world was…all this time…It’s a hard pill to swallow.”

“Take your time.” I told her. “I know it must be rough, but it’s the truth.”

Silence then took over as I sat there on the chair, and Louise on her bed.

“Hey, Arthur.”She said after a while. “Can I ask you something personal, if you don’t mind?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“What happened to you back on Earth?”

I froze immediately and clenched my fists instinctively.

“Sorry.” She immediately flinched upon seeing my reaction. “I-I shouldn’t have asked that…”

“No, it’s fine. I’ll tell you.”

“You don’t have to, really.”

“It’s okay, I want to. You deserve to know, you saved my life, after all.”

“I wouldn’t go that far…”

“I would.”

I then fell into silence. Talking about that day…I had never done it before. I’d locked it away, in the deepest corners of my mind. I’d….I’d pretended that I wasn’t me. All because I wanted to forget, I started to call myself by another name…

“My name-My real name, is Jack.” I finally managed to say after steeling myself.

“Jack, huh…”She looked at me with a sad expression on her face.

“I had someone precious to me, back on Earth. But she’s in a coma now. In the hospital. Doctors said there’s a chance she might not make it.” I tried my absolute hardest to stop my body from shivering while telling all this to Louise. “And the worst part is…the worst part…”

The words got stuck in my throat. I couldn’t…I can’t…

“It was…It’s all…my fault. It’s all my fault. I did this to her.”

As soon as those words came out of my mouth, the tears quickly followed.

“It’s all my fault!” I yelled. “If I hadn’t decided to drive her, that day! If I didn’t think I was cool, or invincible! If I didn’t speed up that much, despite how much she told me to slow down! I should have listened! I should have…”

I burst into sobs. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. The dam had finally burst. Everything I’d been holding in since that day, I finally let it all out.

The pain was immense. My heart was stabbed by a thousand needles. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop feeling hurt. I couldn’t stop feeling ashamed.

It was all my fault. On that day, I was the only person to blame. Why am I such a piece of shit? Why? Why? Why should someone like me be alive? This isn’t fair! I don’t want to be me! I have to be someone else! I’m Arthur! I’m Arthur! I have to be Arthur because if I’m not Arthur than I have to be…I have to be…

I suddenly felt a body embracing me. I stopped crying out of shock, Louise was hugging me gently.

“It’s okay.” She said quietly. “Let it all out. I’m here for you.”

And then, the sobbing continued again. I cried and cried into her arms. All this time, I had refused to process what had happened. I had refused to acknowledge the pain, the guilt, the sadness, the misery. I was scared, so scared. But now, now I was facing it.

This was the worst moment of my life. It all came rushing back to me. I’d never felt as badly about myself as I did in this moment. I hated every fiber of my being. Yet, for some reason, despite all the hate, all the misery, all the sadness, I also strangely felt…alive. I was alive, alive to feel hate, to feel guilt, to feel shame. I was no longer stuck in a limbo of emptiness. I was fueled with negative emotions…but emotions, nonetheless. I allowed myself to feel everything, I allowed myself to experience the worst moment in my life. Because if I didn’t, then I would never get to experience any moment at all.

I had avoided this for so long, but now I finally managed to face it. I hugged Louise back tightly, and I buried myself in her arms, and kept crying, and crying, for who knows how long, until I emptied out every single tear that had been building up since that day. Every tear that I’d refused to let out, that I’d locked away deep inside of myself, was now set free. It was all gone. All the weight, all the pressure, it was all gone, and all that was left was just pure relief.

And then, we just sat there in silence, holding each other tightly, looking at each other, being vulnerable with each other, until we finally both fell asleep.