Justification

It had only been three minutes since the fight in the present time started but I was already starting to grasp every breath I could. Drops of sweat fell through my chin, and after accumulating into a round watery ball, it met the ground.

Surrounding us was a crowd of students, ranging from various heights and sizes, watching us beat each other into pulps as the best entertainment they ever witnessed. There were no sight of John and the girl, well why would they stay anyway? I gave them this opportunity to escape.

Before I could muster another thought to describe, fists were coming at me again. Though managed to evade, it was getting harder and harder to focus.

I’m so tired.

The fact that I was still standing was a surprise, for my eyes were struggling to even be kept open. I could hear nothing but heavy breaths, and my vision was blurrier by the second. Until it was shrouded completely in ink, again.

***

Hu Hu Hu.

“Glad I made it in time, can’t believe I overslept and had to sprint to school.”

I was standing in front of the closed door to my classroom, panting from exhaustion. Since it wouldn’t be pleasant for my fellow classmates to look at this poor sight of mine, I stayed idle for a minute before sliding the door open.

“Good morning.”

Following up with my greeting, my face would then shine brightly, and some people would greet back amiably. It’s been like that for as long as I could remember, and it would shake me the wrong way if it had been any other way. However, before I could even visualize the surroundings, the chilly air and dimly lit ash light had already rubbed me off. The corners of my mouth moved slightly downward, and my mouth was still disclosed.

Stares.

Everyone was staring at me. Everyone, with their cold, impassive eyes. Albeit the abnormal situation I was in, I could only ponder about what was behind those chalky orbs.

Judging?

As I asked myself that, I felt a sudden urge to question everyone’s attention. Yet, my mouth never mustered up the courage, and I made my way to my seat quietly. As I got closer, a premonition was gnawing at me. Inferring from what had just happened, it was only natural, I thought.

Hustler

Whore dater

Kys

And other death threats anyone could think of, at least be original in insulting someone.

So, this is what they meant by their last straw. Sure, make everyone ostracize me, that would make me care a lot. I’m so sad, I’m so regretting my decisions right now. Looks like you really won this one, huh? Clap your hands everybody.

Having grown tired of looking at the childish scribbles and slanders on my desk, I looked up to see how everyone reacted. Surprisingly, they all went back to their own little bubbles, and I was left there standing alone like a fucking idiot. It was like I had asked to be in the spotlight again.

Then, I chuckled, like a maniac. It was a light one, but I was certainly amused.

“Fuck you.”

My hand was now a raised fist, and as hard as I could, I strike the hard surface of my desk.

I had expected my knuckles to be throbbing, but the desk was eerily not dense. Bewilderingly, I blinked, and I could see someone’s forearm blocking my fist. Abruptly, I was assaulted by his punch, regardless of my brisk evading.

I took a few steps back to gain composure, nevertheless, he wouldn’t let me escape. Due to my exhaustion, it proved tremendous to dodge his attacks, hence, my being hit once more.

I writhed in pain, shutting my eyes in the process. Knowing that was detrimental in a fight, as quickly as I could, I disclosed them again. Only to be met with those cold, judging eyes again.

I could remember being done with the suffocating tension going on in my class, so I decided to stroll through the hallway. And yet, those eyes were present again, staring at me, judging me.

Is there something on my face?

I wanted to poke their eyes out, I wanted those imposing round balls to be gone. But just like last time, before I could make a second step, those mirror cracks appeared and burst into pieces again.

Another fist was flying toward me, and I was able to elude it at the last second. However, before I could even grasp a breath a round kick had struck my legs.

I fell to the ground, and there was nothing I could see but the grey pavement. As worn out as I was, I put enough energy to be able to look up again. Only to be met with those cold, judging eyes again.

“Be careful next time, a brave hero like you shouldn’t be on the ground like that you know.”

You fucking-.

My fatigue was gone, and it didn’t even take a second for me to stand up. Using every fiber of strength in my body, I lunged at them. Again, those cracks showed up and made everything disappear, apart from the reality that I was about to be welted again. Despite having been struck so many times, I was able to hold myself still and fight back. Only to be met with those cold, judging eyes again.

Everywhere, from my class, to the hallways, to the playground, to the sports field, to the school gates, to even in online confessions. I escaped to everywhere I could find. Only to be met with those cold, judging eyes again.

Until, the dirty pig’s face was again in my sight, and so did his knuckles on my chin. My vision went dark for the last time, and I was no longer standing.

***

I was laying on my bed, inside the comfort zone of my own home. It’s the only place left for me to hide, the only place left vacant of those imposing eyes.

Sigh

I let out a relief sound, and I embraced darkness once again, trying to treasure this pleasant moment for as long as I could.

Only to be met with those cold, judging eyes again.

“Get out!”

But they won’t

And I knew that as well, I knew that it was a part of my life then. Even if I screamed, even if I retorted, even if I fought, those chalky grey orbs would still be there, staring at me. There was nothing I could do, zilch will change unless the root of the problem was gone.

So, this was when.

Finding it meaningless to rest now, I laid my back to the wall beside my bed, and I covered my face with my hands.

“I’m so tired.”

…

“I was just trying to be a good friend to her, so why do you all hate me?”

I really tried.

“Or was I really just wanted to be the hero?”

No, not then.

“Even if I was, there was nothing wrong with it. I was the one who was helping Kiri, I was the fucking hero of this story! And now look at me, ridiculed, ignored, judged by everyone. What the fuck was wrong with all of you?”

Before I could control it, my perception was already hazy, and strings of moisture poured down my cheeks.

“While I was left here crying in my own ditch, you all got what you wanted. Getting to vent out your jealousy toward the girl you hate, getting on the good side of the girl you like, and no one punished you for it. And I was the hypocrite, Mark? You’re the one who won with your dog shit intentions and pathetic excuse.”

So, this was when the foundation of my craving began.

“You may have won this round, but I’ll prove you wrong eventually. No matter what.”

The foundation for my incessant need to fill the emptiness of losing.

And I even forgot it as well. It took so long just to block this out completely and finally convinced my ideals to be the just cause. But I know now that my need for excitement is nothing but a revenge quest from a bunch of assholes I met in middle school.

The world is unfair, and it’s obvious, yet I craved the opportunity to prove them all wrong. I wanted to be the hero, to help people, and fit the moral compass, meanwhile being praised by everyone. And that goal had stuck with me ever since, it was why I needed something to happen in my life.

It was a childish dream, and what I’ve become proved likewise. Jeopardizing a kid with a traffic accident, almost assaulting Alice, and prying into Kiri’s life, I didn’t mind hurting people to get what I want and lashed out at those who would remind me of the reality. I really was the hypocrite.

Ring

On the nightstand in that bedroom, my phone vibrated out of nowhere, and I picked it up.

“Meet me at the back of the school today. I’ve been thinking about us, and I want to tell you something.”

It was a text from Kiri. So, this is also when…

“I’m sorry Kiri, but they won this time.”, I merely typed ‘okay’ and sent it.

Right after my resolve was set, the first thing I did was betray it. It was like the world was telling me that I really should have realized it at that point already. Nonetheless, it’s too late now. Finding it unnecessary to remember the disappointing climax of my own story, I blinked back to the present.

Lying on the ground, about to be beaten half to death by kids I don’t even know. As I self-pitied my pathetic being, a shadow cast over me, and I could see the bottom of someone’s shoe.

Just stomp me.

I’ve given up.