Don't think just do

My eyes were on the verge of eternal slumber, but as fatigued as I was, I tried to keep them open. It’s up to anyone’s question why I was even putting effort into seeing a shoe stomped on me. Not that I liked the idea of getting trampled on, but regardless, I was now millimeters before it.

Thump

Deus ex machina, usually I would hate them in movies but, who knew it would be so favorable in real life? It looked like someone had tackled my assaulter, and now they were approaching me.

“Get the hell up, stop lying there reminiscing like you’re a dying hero.”

Shut up brat, I was just tired.

My supposed hero was John, the one whom I was saving. Looked like our roles had been reversed, but I didn’t mind, it was better than getting stomped like a pig.

“Hey, what’s all the commotion about!”

A voice from an adult man was heard, and I knew we could no longer stay.

“C’mon get up, didn’t you hear that?”

John offered me a hand, and I grasped it willingly.

“There’s a broken part in the school fence, now let’s go.”

With a natural on my side, it didn’t prove too tremendous to escape. And so, I was now trudging along the sidewalk, with my shoulder and arm carried by the hero beside me.

“You know, you could have fought with me from the start.”, I said.

“I was… I was helping that girl run, okay?”

“That so.”

There was a short pause betwixt sentences before John snorted.

“I know you’re thinking I’m a coward. But there was nothing I could have done.”

“No no, I understand your situation. Been to one myself actually.”

Despite still looking forward, I could feel his head rustling through my arms to glance at me.

“So that’s why you helped me, this gave you bad memories?”, he asked.

“M-hm.”

Not elaborating, I continued to drag my feet, mindlessly trudging. Until the brat broke the silence again.

“Well, aren’t you going to tell me about it?”

“No, you’re a pretty annoying kid you know that?”

“I was being kind mind you. Through all those swollen wounds I could still see a troubled face you know. There’s something on your mind, tell me.”

He was looking at me with a caring eye, a trait I had never expected from him, despite the little interactions we’d had. I indulged him, or rather, I responded to his attentiveness with an exhale.

“Just had a realization that’s all. I’m nothing but a wannabe hero, who just wants validation and praise from people. And when things don’t go my way, I just put on a tantrum, I’m nothing but an attention grabber, just like everyone else.”

The kid didn’t reply right away, probably baffled by my vagueness. Yet, he still mustered up something.

“But today you seemed really nice, fighting six big bullies all on your own. That’s true heroism, right?”

“And that resulted in me being beaten half to death and carried by a middle schooler. And don’t forget making the one I supposedly helped turned into their next target. You should hate me for that, John.”

“But a girl was able to run away from their harassment, you were able to help. Besides, they’d pick on me regardless.”

Shockingly, John gave me a motivating assurance a second time, and I felt an odd uplifting sensation.

I guess you’re not so annoying.

I didn’t voice that thought of course, since it would get weird.

We ambled for another few minutes until the small apartment was again in sight. To somewhat treat my bruises, I got to take a shower first. As the warm water covers me, I could feel my veins contract, giving me an easing feel throughout the under of my skin. However, my experience diminished somewhat with the agonizing ache throughout the various parts of my body. I’d say it was not too bad in the end. With that in mind, I put on the clothes that I had packed at home and walked out.

When I entered the living room again, to my surprise, Kiri has already returned.

“Goddamn, they really gave you a beating huh.”

“Yeah yeah, It was likewise for them too though.”

Since both seats were occupied, I made my way to the miniature sitting pillow. On the tea table were three sets of heavy meals, all packed inside a plastic box with a see-through cover. It comprised rice, pork chops, scrambled eggs, and sausages, with lettuce as the vegetable.

“Pretty plain, but I guess that this is your treat?”

“How picky. And I was going to let you off with paying me too.”

With no reason to express courtesy, we dug in our portions. With food still in her mouth, Kiri spoke.

“So, you were pretty serious about being the nice guy, eh?”

Before I could respond, John added.

“And guess what, when we were going home, he went on an edgy soliloquy about how he just wanted praise or something.”

“Shut up kid. I was expressing myself there.”, I made a quick defense for my image.

“I’m the kid? Weren’t you the one going on some anime-y monologue?”

“Yeah, I thought you’d only say shit like that in front of close people like me but, with a kid you just met? Are you sure that you despise weebs or are you one yourself?”, Kiri interjected, with a mouth still stuffed with food. A fact which only fills up more of my embarrassment.

Did you really have to put it like that?

“All right, I’ll never open up to anyone again. A lesson taught is a lesson learned.”

Humored by my way of words, both of them chuckled, only to choke on their food seconds after.

“Serves you right.”, said me, with a marking tone.

The lights above our heads flickered, and it might have been my imagination, but the illumination that surrounded us grew dimmer.

After a few coughs, and some gulps of water, Kiri continued our conversation.

“Well, I don’t know what you’re talking about but, at least you did something, unlike John.”

Still digging his face into his dinner, John offered no defense or response. This, ambiguously, urged me to take his place.

“Give him some slack. There was nothing he could do that would ease the situation. If he had helped them, not only would he become a bigger target, the girl he was saving might undergo even more stressful harassment.”

Still unconvinced, Kiri slid her head to the side.

“And what basis do you have?”

“One of the bullies was attracted to the girl. If Stan showed up to protect her it’d cause a lot of commotions, you know.”

“I see, so it’s different from our situation back then.”, she glanced her eyes to John. “But that would also mean that you could have come up with something. Say, it must be easy to take the easy way out right, John?”

As I looked worriedly at John, expecting him to make the slightest riposte, no such occurrence happened.

“Yeah, I should have done something.”, After finishing speaking, he stood up with his now empty set.

“You tried your best, John.”, I tried to assure him.

“Well, I’m going to take a shower now.”

As his presence left the room, I and Kiri sat there with our faces dug into our dinner, and no words could be heard.

Sigh

An exhausting exhale was the first sound to emerge, and traces of soul started to fill up the air again.

“There, I’ve done it again. Why do I keep complaining about how people handle situations when I don’t know half of the shit that they’re going through?”

“Yeah, why?”, it might have gone off as a bit harsh, but I didn’t mind my tone. And it looked like it was likewise for her too. Hesitantly, she answered.

“I don’t… know. It’s like there’s thing feeling inside me that kept assuming people will persevere, all for the sake of someone else. And when they don’t, an immense frustration came over me.”

A tick ringed through my whole body. And an inquiry emerged from my mind.

“And the cause of that frustration is from…”

“I know where it’s from, Stan. I just don’t want to talk about it… Or, maybe I should.”

For a moment, I caught a glimpse of her eyes, and it gave me a nightly notion. As if they were black holes, I was pulled in.

“Hey, uh… Stan. Can I talk weirdly for a moment?”

“Uh, sure? Fire away.”

She took a moment to contemplate, before finally opening her lips.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said on that rooftop Stan, wanting to be the nice guy as compensation for the actions that you’ve done. And it hit me. The past… affected you a lot, yet you accepted it. And, I don’t know how to say this, but it looked like you grew up because of it.”

Her words had nothing but positivity and uplifting commendation, yet I couldn’t help but bite my lips.

“I can’t agree with you on that Kiri. All my past did was turn me into a sad bitch who seeks excitement and tries to act them out without a care about the consequences for other people. I mean that’s why I’m at this place at this very moment.”

“Stan, I’m going to be real with you, what the fuck does thinking like that lead you to?”

Her sudden shift in tone made me cower a tad, though I still managed to come up with an answer.

“It led to me being a petty coward that lashes out at people and has violent impulses, is that what you want to know?”

“If those violent impulses pushed you to rush at six guys alone, who are most likely dangerous, just to save a girl you’ve never met, then I don’t think it’s for the worse.”

“There’s… underlying problems too. You just don’t know what I’m like fully, Kiri.”

A sudden warmth embraced my fingers, and I glanced quickly at the sensation. Kiri’s hand was now on mine. I put my gaze on her doll-like face, and even though I compared her visage to an inhumane thing, the expression she made said completely otherwise.

“You don’t need all this philosophical bullshit, Stan. Selflessness is a good trait to have, just trying to lend a hand is already better than batting an eye, no matter how much you actually contribute. And if problems do arise, try to fix them, just like you had decided to help in the first place. Don’t lose that beautiful ideal that you’ve set for yourself.”

Speechlessly, I could only lend my ear to the sweet admiration she was caressing me with, and a familiar feeling unveiled in my heart. It was almost like that time when the blond tiny girl Alice commended me for still trying to find Kiri back then. My face was probably flustered right now, since Kiri was beaming at me. After a few seconds, she retrieved back to her initial position, and continued.

“After all, it’s because of you that I’m having an epiphany.” She scratched her head, expressing her stalemate at forming words. “Perhaps the traumas I’ve experienced might still be affecting me as well.”

As much as I wanted to deny it, it’s true that Kiri had just confessed her imperfection, and I could no longer feign ignorance to the fact that she has problems too. And so wordlessly, I felt an apology was needed toward another certain mysterious girl, and a needed ear to my troubled friend before me.

“I just told you that I have had these senseless frustrations toward cowards, but there’s more to it than that. There’s this thing gnawing at me constantly, pulling me down no matter what I do. And it coerces me to spend every single moment of my day trying to ease it. But all I’ve done was ignore, which made me forget the pain at first, but I knew now that it was no way to deal with my past problems.”

That, and the mood swings too.

Unknowingly, Kiri gave me a long glance, and I stuttered in response. Nonetheless, it didn’t matter, for she was the one who continued.

“You made me realize what I needed to do, Stan. You dragged me back to reality. You made me see clearly. And so, as repayment, I’m giving you a chance of redemption to me. Will you help me accept my past?”

As soon as she declared those words, her legs stood tall. And before I even realized it, my eye had begun to moisturize. As much as the effort of holding it in, something inside me exploded.

“PFF! What the hell Kiri, I thought you didn’t like edgy role-play.”

A sudden tomato hue permeated her face, and she gritted her teeth in frustration. It felt like it was the first time she had ever made an expression so cute.

“I’m being serious here. Aren’t you into these deep and ambiguous long talks.”

Still humored, I tried to stern up my face, though I could feel that my lips were still curled up somewhat. I looked into her eyes, a glimmer of the ceiling light in contrast with the eternal black orbs. With that alone, I felt the guts inside of me combust, and the heat got me riled up.

Maybe I should still try to be the nice guy.

Internally declared so, I looked for words that would make my grand promotion to be by her side more ceremonial. Though, even if I could stern my face up for long talks, role-playing was not a feasible task. Consequently, I only chose to offer her my hand.

Matching her eye level, I spoke as the corner of my lips curled up on its own.

“Sure, I’ll help you, Kiri.”

“Yeah. And I’ll help you help me, Stan.”

We eyed each other, embracing this honorable and wholesome moment. But before rainbows and sunshine could manifest, a bewilderment caused me to disclose my concerns.

“So, what do you plan us to do?”

Without words, she merely glanced to the bathroom door on the other side of the room. And as the sound of cascades from within ceased, I realized what we had to do.