My Feelings

***

Christmas Eve and Christmas passed really quickly. I was really surprised when he suddenly called me to his house. I was feeling dumps because it was about to turn into another lonely night after having so much fun. I guess he might have picked up on that. I was trying so hard to hide this but he can be surprisingly observing about things like these just like the gloves. But I was really glad that he invited me to his house.

I wonder when the last time was when I enjoyed an event this much. His parents warmly welcomed me. They treated me just like they would their daughter, probably. I was even accidentally about to say his mother 'Mom'. Was that because I was missing my mom so much or did I see my mom in her, I don't know.

I was really surprised to know that Kazuki was good at games too. He never fails to surprise me more and more. Maybe the days he was spending at home were more productive than his school life could have ever been. Frankly, he was good enough that he could probably get famous by live-streaming.

Should I not have meddled in his life? Would that have been better for him? Even though his mom really thanked me with her heart, so much that she might have started crying, was this really the right thing? I would love to believe it was but for some reason, I can't.

I don't know why I said what I said in the cafe. In my heart, I know that he is more special to me than any other person I have ever met in my life. But why? I don't know. What are these feelings? I don't know. I guess that was my way to delay things a little but did I hurt him in the process? There are so many things I don't know. I know this is a really lame excuse but I need time. I need time to understand my feelings.

***

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Kayo said as we were recording and of course, watching the first sunrise of the year.

"Yeah, It sure is. I can't really explain but it is giving me some really good vibes."

"Maybe because it kind of conveys how darkness is not eternal."

"That's deep coming for you. Now that I think about it you are scared of the dark after all."

"I am not! YOU pranked me." She pouted but that pout slightly faded and she said with a smile which, for some reason, felt really melancholic.

"But yeah, I might be really scared of it." 

Her kind of sad smile made me want to just go ahead and hug her. It felt painful to watch that expression. But, after really pondering over what she said for days, I kind of had this feeling that it is not the time yet. So I just smiled back and in the hope to reassure her that she is not alone I said:

"Me too!"

She gave a slight chuckle at my answer and faced the rising sun again as it painted the whole scenery we could see from the top of my house in orange and said:

"Still, this really is beautiful." Which it indeed was.

***

The shrine was filled with people. Some were drinking amazake some eating things from stalls and some checking their fortune. It was the only shrine in the area and people had to climb almost 500 steps to reach the shrine. It was not too far from home but I wouldn't say it was really close too.

"Hey, you are already here?" I saw Kayo as she appeared on the steps. She was short on breath.

"You didn't have to climb so fast."

"But I wanted to reach before you." Competitive in the most unusual things. I notice her father also appeared from behind. So I greeted him and we talked for a bit. Then he went ahead to meet with my parents. I think this is probably the first time he is meeting them.

"So your father came with you today?" 

"Yeah."

"I see." I could see faint happiness on her face.

We all went to say our prayers after that. I rang the bell twice, bowed twice, clapped twice, and bowed again. Then I brought my hands together and prayed from my heart:

"May we all remain happy."

That was honestly all I needed. After we were done, I asked Kayo about the wish she made.

"It's a secret. What about you?"

"Now, now. You can't expect me to answer if you aren't going to tell me."

"I suppose so." She chuckled.

After that, our parents kept talking meanwhile we started exploring here and there. We first went to try, of course, the fortune. And we were going to make a video about it too. I took out the phone from my pocket and started recording. Of course, I can't bring camera equipment all the way here and it will be embarrassing to take a camera here and there in a shrine too. Doing it here with a mobile was already embarrassing enough.

"Hey come on, it's your turn." I snapped out of my thoughts. I went ahead grabbed the box, shook it and I stick came out. it was the number 7. I took out the slip. We both counted 3.... 2.... 1.... , of course for exaggeration, and opened the slip like some big reveal.

Surprisingly enough, we both had sho-kichi (a small amount of luck) as our fortune. Furthermore, it stated that your life will undergo many changes and advised to stay calm in front of any difficulties.

"I just asked for happiness, didn't I?" I murmured. I saw Kayo and her face was bright red.

"Hey, you have some fever?"

"H-huuhh, U-hhhhh n-no," she stuttered frantically hiding her fortune slip, and grabbed my arm, " L-let's go try some amazake."

"Uhh... Ok, but are you sure you don't want to tie that fortune if it is bad luck."

"I-it's fine. Let's just go." Seriously what was going on with her, I wondered as I tried to stabilize the mobile in my hand while she was dragging me with her.

She calmed down after a while but didn't show me what was written in her fortune nor did she tell in the video. After that, we just hung out a bit here and there and then met up with our parents. Apparently, it was decided between them that both Kayo and her father will have lunch with us today. Kayo also agreed cheerfully. Of course, I too, didn't have any problem with this idea.

Surprisingly, Kayo also volunteered to make food with my mom and my mom agreed too. They actually seemed like real mother and daughter to me as they were chatting and Kayo learned how to cook. And thus, we all spent our day having fun.

***

I read what was written in the fortune.

"Your special someone is already beside you and he will stand with you in all difficult periods of your life."

I froze. I didn't knew how to react to that. Then just as I heard Kazuki's voice I got flustered and made up the excuse in an attempt to skip the topic of fortunes altogether.

"There is no way I am showing him this," I thought.